Hi Nicola,

im exactly the same. I lost my mum about 16 weeks ago, and ever since I've had moments where it's just unbearable but I keep thinking oh it's fine I'll see her later anyway. It's like I can't trick my brain into actually believing it, I'm constantly telling myself I'll see her or speak to her later so I don't need to be sad. We haven't cleaned out any of her things yet which none of us want to do at all, but seeing everything just how it was when she was here it's just so hard to imagine that she's gone. I am terrified for when I do start to believe it because it's going to be unbearable. I get so angry too, it's just not fair is it. My Aunty text me the other day saying how she was starting to feel better and happier and it wound me up- I just thought lucky for you! Everyone means well I just have no tolerance for anybody anymore and I'll happily take them on! I haven't seen my dad or my brother in weeks too cause of bloody corona. Just sick of it all.  Stay strong and somehow we'll get through this xxx

Hi RachWBA

Thank you for your reply to my post. I'm sorry you lost your mum.

I can completely relate to everything you say, it's such a surreal feeling. I start to get tearful and then it just goes, like a switch. I know that it will hit and like you,  know how unbearable it will be. 

I saw my mums husband in Sainsbury's last week and immediately I thought where's mum. Sometimes, I wish I could run and run and run and just never see familiar places ever again.

Sorting your mums things will be very difficult and I hope you have support when you do it. My mums husband returned every photo of my children that id given my mum a few days after she passed and I was told if I wanted anything I had to go to theirs and take what I wanted. Couldn't believe it as he put all of her clothes in the lounge and I had to take what I wanted. It was heartbreaking to say the least, I was so angry with him because what was the rush. I will never understand it. I've now got a wardrobe full of her clothes and shoes because at present I can't bear to let any of it go.

I understand what you mean about your aunty I guess she's trying to help you believe it will get better but you need to be able to take it at your own pace. My uncle tells me every time I speak to him that 'they only take the good ones'. Really, is that supposed to make me feel better? I know it's difficult to know what to say to comfort you but honestly it's better to say nothing. 

I hope that you are able to see your Dad and brother soon and that you can give each other ongoing support.

Thanks again and it's good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. Sending  you my best wishes.

Nicola x

Hi nicola

 How are you doing. Thinking of you and your family. Xx

regards Jayne xx

Hi Jayne

How are you and lovely to hear from you. I meant to message to see how you are but ran out of time each day. 
 

Life is so hectic again, back to work now and not much time to think but having lots of sleepless nights.

it's my youngest daughters 30th birthday next week, we will celebrate but it will have such bittersweet moments.

How are you and your family doing? Are you back at work now as seeing lots of restrictions lifted. 
 

Thinking of you and your family and I appreciate you taking the time to message me 

Nicola x

Hi Rk999

Life is so cruel. I lost my precious Mum 6 weeks ago.

Out of the blue diagnosed with Pancratic cancer with liver and stomach mets. Right there and then we were told there was little that could be done. The week previous to Mums diagnosis she was in London with me, having lovely meals and walks and living life in her joyous way as she always did. 
The cancer took hold immediately and each day was just torture for her and for us to see our invincible Mum deteriorate in front of our eyes.

Covid stole 3 weeks from us that we were not allowed to visit her in hospital, I don't think I will ever recover from the sadness of seeing her face through the window looking so lost.

We were then told nothing could be done and I brought her home and nursed her until her last breath.

It all feels like a nightmare you can't wake up from.

I lost my wonderful Dad only 7 months ago suddenly too, we were only 3 months in from trying to make sense of losing Dad when Mum was diagnosed. As I wrote this, I can't believe this has happened to us still.

My Mum was 72, it will be her birthday tomorrow, I am dreading it, the first birthday I will not spend with her, we spent them together always. My Dad was 74, no age at all. They were so vibrant.

I am 39, no children, I feel I have nothing to cling onto, thank god for my husband who try's to lift me up.

The loss of both parents in such a short time is more than I can bare, but I'm still standing and some days I don't know how. Mum was the most caring, loving & fun Mum anyone could wish for, she was my world.

Hi Hez2020

I could have wrote this post, I'm 39 as well

I too have lost my mum to Pancreatic Cancer just 6 weeks ago. Her birthday is on Saturday and she would have been 72 also. 

My Mum was full of life too and I can't believe she has been taken from me. She was a very young 71 year old, she was healthy and active. She was so kind and a brilliant Nan. 

I feel like Covid has robbed me of precious time with her, due to COVID there was delays in testing and by the time she was diagnosed it was just too late. 

I just feel so angry and find myself asking Why? Why her? Why did I have to lose my Mum? Why do my children have to live without their Nan? 

Life is just so unfair

Hi Hez2020, 

I am so so sorry to hear about your amazing Mum. Happy Birthday to her today.

Strangely it was also my Mum's 72nd birthday this last Saturday. My dad, brother and I ended up going to a restaurant in the countryside to a place that she had really liked when she visited last year. None of us said anything really - it's one of life's big tragedies that a day so happy your whole life goes to being one of the saddest. I hope you are able to get through it somehow. My way was to buy a huge bouquet of flowers for her and place it next to all the pictures of her we have framed and put around the house. Each year I would send her flowers and I have decided I will never stop. 

I totally understand how you are feeling and I can't even comprehend you losing both your parents at such a young age. It's so completely unfair. The one thing is that they are together now. I have to watch my poor dad lost and alone without my Mum. They would have been married 50 years this coming October. He is trying to be brave but it must feel horrible. 

There is something about the sudden deterioration of someone who has been healthy and vibrant as you say their whole life that is so tough to see. I felt that way too and everyone morning I wake up with those images in my mind. We really thought she would beat the disease - I just never thought she would succumb to it regardless of what the doctors told us. I really think she thought she would make it. 

I know there is very little I can say to make you feel better. Somehow this forum does help me - hearing that others are going through the same thing. Also, feel grateful that you have your husband - I don't, and I rely on my friends and family. It would be nice to have a partner who is there to support you all the time and who you don't have to be strong for. 

All my love, 

R

Hi Nicola, 

Im so so sorry for my late reply. Also, of course very sorry for your loss. Yes we are stumbling along - it will be 3 months in two days, how time flies. It was her 72nd birthday last weekend which was very hard. None of us really knew what to say to each other. I posted a picture of her on Instragram and it was comforting to hear all the lovely things that people had to say about her. 

I think about her final days a lot - how weak and frail she was, losing control of her body, not being able to eat, all the sores in her mouth, not even being able to turn herself in bed. Poor thing. I wish I could get those images out of my mind and focus on the good only but I can't, not yet at least. 

Love to you all,

R

Hi Jayne, 

So very sorry for my late reply. Thank you so much for your note and what you say regarding the pain relief makes a lot of sense.

I hope you are starting to feel better. Well not better as such but at least getting used to living with the loss - maybe that is the best we can hope for.  

I try to remember my mother fondly but I just feel so sad at how she suffered that final month - so restless at night, unable to eat or sleep and yes being alone in the hospital for a few nights. She was such a good and kind person - didn't deserve that end at all and such a young age too. Not that any cancer is better or worse to die from than the others but what the bowl obstruction does to the body is so miserable. 

Maybe it is true what they say that God takes all the good ones first - certainly true for all the mothers of the ladies on this forum. 

All my love,

R

Hi Jo23, 

I wondered how you are doing? 

Just over 2 months now without Mum. Still doesn't feel real to me, like I am stuck in a place where I am just waiting for her to come back. 
Whatever has happened in life previously it's all gone back to normal, and to know that will never happen is so scary. I think about Mum every minute, and torture myself thinking I just need her to come back and make it all ok.

I look at families sat having meals together, happy and smiling like we always have and think why.. why us? We were so happy with the little things in life and just sat together having a glass of wine and a laugh was enough.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm doing well considering how Mum & I were attached at the hip, but it angers me as I think I'm dying inside ... I will always be sad.

Mum taught me to be strong and I try so hard but as the time goes on and the realisation hits harder, some days are just impossible.

Next week I have to start work again, my whole life changed in the blink of an eye and I am dreading it, I feel like work is so petty in comparison to what has happened, but routine I guess sometimes helps. 
Are you starting to make any sense from losing your mum yet?

Be nice to hear from you.

Hi Ladies so sorry for all your losses, its gonna be 2 yrs ,cant believe im saying 2 yrs ,i never thought time could pass this quick, like i woke now from the day she died, i still cannot accept her gone , i get through it i think because my minds blocked it it feels like i never had a mum, it the only way i can do it, i cant of had my mum and now shes gone

I cant seem to look at a photo of her if i do it becomes real, i feel so empty angry heartbroken , some days i wish id never wake up, i feel horrid because she needed palliative care but didnt want her going home to her house it wasnt suitable .so thought a nursing home so she would have someone there if i coudnt be, i wish to god i never they were awful, honestly all the manager who was a nurse used to say was shes dying theres no point, they didnt care 247 i was there with my daughter they hated it. im so messed up .(

Hi Slayer3tt3, time is so crazy. It all feels like yesterday that our mums where here. Everything is still so fresh and familiar. I'm 7 months on from losing my mum, and even typing the words 'losing my mum' still turns my stomach and a feeling of utter disbelief still comes over me, like I can't be talking about my mum.

I absolutely understand how you feel about photos, they make the nightmare more real. In the first few weeks I looked at them all the time and played voicemails.. I just can't now. It kills me. My friend for Christmas bought me a frame with a collage of pics of mum & I. I guessed it would be from the shape of the gift, so I got my husband to open it, I've still not looked at it, how can she be a picture, she was here and us living our lives what feels like yesterday.

Dont beat yourself up about the nursing home, your choice was for your mums best interest, I'm so sorry to hear you were let down. Due to the pandemic even though I cared for mum at home we were let down by everything too, the hospital, any small bit of help we got, it was all a nightmare and adds to the pain we have to live with, which I will never forgive. We were made to feel the same way, like there was no point. There was every point, thinking about that part of it destroys me. The fact I can't make it right. The only comfort I get is like you, we tried our best, in the worst possible time of life, with a pandemic. I know I physically couldn't have done any more, even though I reproach myself daily, but I hear my Mum saying "you did your best love".

I would give anything to have one more minute with her, and I struggle everyday but I tell myself, I have to go on for my mum, live a life for her and me, as impossible as it feels at the moment.

Small steps are better than standing still, I hope you can make those small steps and try not to punish yourself.

xx

Hi Slayer3tt3, time is so crazy. It all feels like yesterday that our mums where here. Everything is still so fresh and familiar. I'm 7 months on from losing my mum, and even typing the words 'losing my mum' still turns my stomach and a feeling of utter disbelief still comes over me, like I can't be talking about my mum.

I absolutely understand how you feel about photos, they make the nightmare more real. In the first few weeks I looked at them all the time and played voicemails.. I just can't now. It kills me. My friend for Christmas bought me a frame with a collage of pics of mum & I. I guessed it would be from the shape of the gift, so I got my husband to open it, I've still not looked at it, how can she be a picture, she was here and us living our lives what feels like yesterday.

Dont beat yourself up about the nursing home, your choice was for your mums best interest, I'm so sorry to hear you were let down. Due to the pandemic even though I cared for mum at home we were let down by everything too, the hospital, any small bit of help we got, it was all a nightmare and adds to the pain we have to live with, which I will never forgive. We were made to feel the same way, like there was no point. There was every point, thinking about that part of it destroys me. The fact I can't make it right. The only comfort I get is like you, we tried our best, in the worst possible time of life, with a pandemic. I know I physically couldn't have done any more, even though I reproach myself daily, but I hear my Mum saying "you did your best love".

I would give anything to have one more minute with her, and I struggle everyday but I tell myself, I have to go on for my mum, live a life for her and me, as impossible as it feels at the moment.

Small steps are better than standing still, I hope you can make those small steps and try not to punish yourself.

xx

Thankyou for your message, yes people tell me to try to be strong for my kids although two are grown my youngest is eight, i really try but my mums been in my life forever now shes been taken away i cant live knowing this, think its why i block it and dont think on it i cant , like i said i cant look at her picture.

Time is taking me farther from her and i dont think times heals, not for me it feels like  i never had a mum horrid feeling because i know i did but her being here now shes gone that i struggle with.Thankyou again and hugs to you and all of us in this awful place without our mums.