Hi Nicola, 

Im so so sorry for my late reply. Also, of course very sorry for your loss. Yes we are stumbling along - it will be 3 months in two days, how time flies. It was her 72nd birthday last weekend which was very hard. None of us really knew what to say to each other. I posted a picture of her on Instragram and it was comforting to hear all the lovely things that people had to say about her. 

I think about her final days a lot - how weak and frail she was, losing control of her body, not being able to eat, all the sores in her mouth, not even being able to turn herself in bed. Poor thing. I wish I could get those images out of my mind and focus on the good only but I can't, not yet at least. 

Love to you all,

R

Hi Jayne, 

So very sorry for my late reply. Thank you so much for your note and what you say regarding the pain relief makes a lot of sense.

I hope you are starting to feel better. Well not better as such but at least getting used to living with the loss - maybe that is the best we can hope for.  

I try to remember my mother fondly but I just feel so sad at how she suffered that final month - so restless at night, unable to eat or sleep and yes being alone in the hospital for a few nights. She was such a good and kind person - didn't deserve that end at all and such a young age too. Not that any cancer is better or worse to die from than the others but what the bowl obstruction does to the body is so miserable. 

Maybe it is true what they say that God takes all the good ones first - certainly true for all the mothers of the ladies on this forum. 

All my love,

R

Hi Jo23, 

I wondered how you are doing? 

Just over 2 months now without Mum. Still doesn't feel real to me, like I am stuck in a place where I am just waiting for her to come back. 
Whatever has happened in life previously it's all gone back to normal, and to know that will never happen is so scary. I think about Mum every minute, and torture myself thinking I just need her to come back and make it all ok.

I look at families sat having meals together, happy and smiling like we always have and think why.. why us? We were so happy with the little things in life and just sat together having a glass of wine and a laugh was enough.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm doing well considering how Mum & I were attached at the hip, but it angers me as I think I'm dying inside ... I will always be sad.

Mum taught me to be strong and I try so hard but as the time goes on and the realisation hits harder, some days are just impossible.

Next week I have to start work again, my whole life changed in the blink of an eye and I am dreading it, I feel like work is so petty in comparison to what has happened, but routine I guess sometimes helps. 
Are you starting to make any sense from losing your mum yet?

Be nice to hear from you.

Hi Slayer3tt3, time is so crazy. It all feels like yesterday that our mums where here. Everything is still so fresh and familiar. I'm 7 months on from losing my mum, and even typing the words 'losing my mum' still turns my stomach and a feeling of utter disbelief still comes over me, like I can't be talking about my mum.

I absolutely understand how you feel about photos, they make the nightmare more real. In the first few weeks I looked at them all the time and played voicemails.. I just can't now. It kills me. My friend for Christmas bought me a frame with a collage of pics of mum & I. I guessed it would be from the shape of the gift, so I got my husband to open it, I've still not looked at it, how can she be a picture, she was here and us living our lives what feels like yesterday.

Dont beat yourself up about the nursing home, your choice was for your mums best interest, I'm so sorry to hear you were let down. Due to the pandemic even though I cared for mum at home we were let down by everything too, the hospital, any small bit of help we got, it was all a nightmare and adds to the pain we have to live with, which I will never forgive. We were made to feel the same way, like there was no point. There was every point, thinking about that part of it destroys me. The fact I can't make it right. The only comfort I get is like you, we tried our best, in the worst possible time of life, with a pandemic. I know I physically couldn't have done any more, even though I reproach myself daily, but I hear my Mum saying "you did your best love".

I would give anything to have one more minute with her, and I struggle everyday but I tell myself, I have to go on for my mum, live a life for her and me, as impossible as it feels at the moment.

Small steps are better than standing still, I hope you can make those small steps and try not to punish yourself.

xx

Thankyou so much for your message, its really hard because im just still ignoring it all , not at all sunk in that  shes gone and im never gonna hear her voice again.

Coming up to the two year mark soon ive got to this point not thinking about it, im gonna hate the day when it sinks in and reality really hits, best wishes and thanks again

Thankyou for your message, yes people tell me to try to be strong for my kids although two are grown my youngest is eight, i really try but my mums been in my life forever now shes been taken away i cant live knowing this, think its why i block it and dont think on it i cant , like i said i cant look at her picture.

Time is taking me farther from her and i dont think times heals, not for me it feels like  i never had a mum horrid feeling because i know i did but her being here now shes gone that i struggle with.Thankyou again and hugs to you and all of us in this awful place without our mums.

Dear Nicola

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum.  I lost my mum last year,  she declined rapidly too, and although I'm relieved that she's not suffering anymore,  I feel like I have a hole in my soul.  I want to tell you that you're going to be ok,  you just need to cry and allow your pain to come out,  when you're ready. It's ok not to feel ok,  just talk to someone if you need to, a dr, a Psychologist,  a therapist. Take your time to get used to a new normal,  it will slowly become easier for you with time. Losing my parents has always been my biggest fear,  even since I was very young,  and so when it happened to my mom,  I crumbled. But I'm ok,  and you will be too. Hang in there,  feel what you need to feel,  and each time you cry, you'll get a little bit stronger.  Sending you big hugs. Take care of yourself. 

Hi Dee

Thank you for responding to my post.  I'm sorry you've lost your mum too. The last 16 months have been the most difficult of my life, as you say knowing she's not suffering brings some relief but I still miss her every minute of every day and a part of my heart is gone. I've coped much better than I thought I would, I was given an extra responsibility at work which I have gone into head first and that keeps me distracted. I still can't look at photos of my mum or listen to her voicemails and even now I think I'm still in denial as some days I strongly believe she will be back. I do feel her presence and at times feels she is with me.  

So much has happened since she went and I feel so sad that's she missed out on all of it.  
 

I hope you are coping and adjusting to your new normal.

sending hugs, look after yourself. 
nicola 

Hi Nicola

Thank you so much,  I'm doing OK.. just takes time.  You'll adjust to a new normal,  and you'll be able to smile at the good memories...

Small steps,  but you'll see... you'll get there.  

I go through periods of listening to my mums voice and looking at pictures, and then other times I just can't do it because I don't want to think about it.  I treasure everyone more now,  and I have more patience with people... I'm just living in the moment,  and laughing again.. and you will too :)

Keep in touch,  and hang in there,  remember there are people if you need help to feel ok xx

Big hugs and have a beautiful day :)

Dee