Hi Nicola,

im exactly the same. I lost my mum about 16 weeks ago, and ever since I've had moments where it's just unbearable but I keep thinking oh it's fine I'll see her later anyway. It's like I can't trick my brain into actually believing it, I'm constantly telling myself I'll see her or speak to her later so I don't need to be sad. We haven't cleaned out any of her things yet which none of us want to do at all, but seeing everything just how it was when she was here it's just so hard to imagine that she's gone. I am terrified for when I do start to believe it because it's going to be unbearable. I get so angry too, it's just not fair is it. My Aunty text me the other day saying how she was starting to feel better and happier and it wound me up- I just thought lucky for you! Everyone means well I just have no tolerance for anybody anymore and I'll happily take them on! I haven't seen my dad or my brother in weeks too cause of bloody corona. Just sick of it all.  Stay strong and somehow we'll get through this xxx

Hi Nicola,

im exactly the same. I lost my mum about 16 weeks ago, and ever since I've had moments where it's just unbearable but I keep thinking oh it's fine I'll see her later anyway. It's like I can't trick my brain into actually believing it, I'm constantly telling myself I'll see her or speak to her later so I don't need to be sad. We haven't cleaned out any of her things yet which none of us want to do at all, but seeing everything just how it was when she was here it's just so hard to imagine that she's gone. I am terrified for when I do start to believe it because it's going to be unbearable. I get so angry too, it's just not fair is it. My Aunty text me the other day saying how she was starting to feel better and happier and it wound me up- I just thought lucky for you! Everyone means well I just have no tolerance for anybody anymore and I'll happily take them on! I haven't seen my dad or my brother in weeks too cause of bloody corona. Just sick of it all.  Stay strong and somehow we'll get through this xxx

Hi RachWBA

Thank you for your reply to my post. I'm sorry you lost your mum.

I can completely relate to everything you say, it's such a surreal feeling. I start to get tearful and then it just goes, like a switch. I know that it will hit and like you,  know how unbearable it will be. 

I saw my mums husband in Sainsbury's last week and immediately I thought where's mum. Sometimes, I wish I could run and run and run and just never see familiar places ever again.

Sorting your mums things will be very difficult and I hope you have support when you do it. My mums husband returned every photo of my children that id given my mum a few days after she passed and I was told if I wanted anything I had to go to theirs and take what I wanted. Couldn't believe it as he put all of her clothes in the lounge and I had to take what I wanted. It was heartbreaking to say the least, I was so angry with him because what was the rush. I will never understand it. I've now got a wardrobe full of her clothes and shoes because at present I can't bear to let any of it go.

I understand what you mean about your aunty I guess she's trying to help you believe it will get better but you need to be able to take it at your own pace. My uncle tells me every time I speak to him that 'they only take the good ones'. Really, is that supposed to make me feel better? I know it's difficult to know what to say to comfort you but honestly it's better to say nothing. 

I hope that you are able to see your Dad and brother soon and that you can give each other ongoing support.

Thanks again and it's good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. Sending  you my best wishes.

Nicola x

Hi

feeling the need to read through your posts. I lost my mum 4 wks ago to bowel cancer. I'm just starting the journey and dread every minute of everyday. Don't want one day to end or the other to start. There is a slight comfort knowing your not on your own but an over whelming how do we go on, it takes your breath away. It helps talking to people who really know how you feel. Reaching out to any advise. Thankyou 

Hi Jayne

Thank you for replying to my post and reading my past ones. So sorry to read about your mum.

Every minute of the day I wish I could change my life and go back to when my mum was still with us. I miss her so so much, I think about her every second of every day. I just wish it hadn't been my mum that was taken.

This forum has helped me a lot as it does give me comfort to know that I'm not alone but nothing anybody can do or say will change things and I hate it that I can't see my mum anymore.

The last 3 weeks of my mums life were without doubt the worst time of our lives. Being told there was nothing that could be done for my mum was unbelievable and I spent it in denial but I sobbed, screamed and begged for it to be different. My mum was her usual rock and kept telling me I had to accept it but I just couldn't. She was 5 days short of her 75th birthday.

Since she's gone I have been waiting for reality to hit me, I thought I would be on the floor spending my days in a daze and unable to function. As yet I've not had this. I'm deeply sad all the time, I cry sometimes but then I push it away and it switches off. I went back to work 5 weeks after losing my mum, and only lasted 2 weeks. I've been off since. For me I believe the lockdown is having some effect of not accepting that my mum has gone, I have no routine and every day blends into one.

I have started talking on the phone with a lady from bereavement support team at the hospice. I've been unsure about it as I don't feel I'm grieving at all, still in denial as I truly believe my mum will be back.

The only way I get through each day is that I distract myself as much as I can. I have no motivation for anything but I've been very lucky that my daughter has been at home with me (she's just started another job) so I have been able to talk with her continuously. My children all had an amazing close relationship with their Nan, she helped me bring them up so was like a parent. I also read a lot of posts on here and that does keep me distracted. I have a big fear of grief, I want it to come but I dread it too.

Do you have support from family/friends? Do you feel able to speak to the hospice about bereavement support as it may help to talk to somebody who won't judge and you can cry, sob and rant as much as you need.

Sorry if I haven't been able to help as I still believe I'm not in the grieving stage yet, I'm still very angry at the world and I feel so envious of people who haven't experienced loss.

Wishing you all the best and hope you find strength while coming to terms with your loss.

Nicola x
 

Hi Nicola,

Gosh so many of the things you write are so true and I Can truly feel your pain.My mum had bowel cancer, it was diagnosed 2 1/2 yrs ago you talk about denial even through chemo etc I anted to believe that we would make it through. Mum was so positive and strong, like yours had played a big part in the grandchildrens lives. Of that we should be grateful but we are still consumed in grief currently. 

Middle of March Mum took a turn and ended back in hospital and moved to hospice even then on her determination to come home we felt we could get over this blip, my sister and I looked after her in what was to be the last few weeks. Mums wishes was to be at home, again during the current lock down I suppose we should be grateful it was that way.

I struggle to talk about it, yet to tell many people as wit makes it so real. I find the lockdown a safe bubble to be in as I haven't got to face the world, but it's only putting off the envitable. I'm a hairdresser and really can't face the whole reliving of it all as clients ask. 

Yes have thought about hospice  counciling, it may help, not sure, it won't change the out come. Mum was 75 also, my daughter 22 just about to sit uni exams so very sad her Nan won't be here on completion as she was an inspiration and so enjoyed my daughters achievements.

Its all so heart breaking, like hitting a brick wall or being thrown in the air in to lots of pieces. You know love is cruel. It's because we loved them so much that it hurts so much. People say be kind to yourself! 

Not sure anything makes sense currently. Keep your Mum close think about her as much as you like every minute of everyday is fine, I know we all want that last hug, conversation, kiss. There would never be a right time. Your mum is there she's in your heart your very being your smile and your tears. Feel her in you ,feel her with you, she is there because you have her in your heart and we will never let them go.

Take care Nicola, I'm thinking of you. Be blessed that your Mum was your mum and you will always be her daughter. If it helps always happy to be in contact, it helps a little I think. 

Little steps today, Jayne

Hi Jayne

Thank you for your kind words, it makes me realise my reaction is how it affects lots of people.

Losing your mum during lockdown is doubly cruel, I'm grateful that mum was able to see her family during her last weeks.

You're right, we are so blessed to have such amazing mum's in our lives, that's why it's so difficult to have to say goodbye. I agree, you'd never let them go, but I feel she's still with me.

I hope your return to work will be as painless as possible. People will definitely ask as I imagine your clients become friends  and though they genuinely care it's so hard to keep reliving the loss. 

Thanks again for supportive words and as you say we will always be their daughters and they our mums and I'm grateful every day for that.

I too am happy to stay in contact, it does help I think. As you say little steps.

Good luck to your daughter with her exams.

Best wishes

Nicola x

Hello Nicola

I have been thinking of you today, another day of acceptance and adjustment. 

Your right one day we all have to face this cruel parting, as in our birth when our mums adjusted to having us like we have with our children, we can never be prepared for this hurdle. It's not something we talk about is it really, it's so upsetting and no one likes to upset anyone. When we've list our loved ones to early it makes it even harder to accept. Don't think we will ever accept that it's doubley cruel.As they say it's probably best we don't know what's aheD for us. Let's hope when we reach their ages we will be even more worldly wise and accepting as our mums so bravely where. Be thankful for all the lovely memories it was our mums that gave them to us, we won't let anyone take those away.

My daughter finished exams yesterday, we miss mum every minute of everyday and I see that as a good thing. She's right with us.

Hope your finding some strength and comfort somehow. You were obviously loved don't lose that feeling xx.

Take care Jayne xx

Hi Jayne

Nice to hear from you. Yes, another day of trying to accept this new normal.

Like your mum, mine was so proud of her family and involved in us. She was always so pleased to be part of it and my decision making always involved her. She just loved life and it's so hard to accept, as yours was taken way to soon. I feel so envious of those who keep their mums until they are much older. I know I have to let that go but I can't at present. The anger is still at the forefront.

I agree though we are so lucky to have the lovely memories and to have been surrounded by so much love is  amazing and something you can't tak for granted. It's because of this the goodbye is so difficult.

Thanks again for your messaging, it really does help  knowing you understand.

Take care and my thoughts are with you.

Nicola x

Hi Nicola 

Hope your holding up, gosh it's so hard isn't it. All consuming, grief is a hard journey one we wasn't expecting so soon. Thinking of you, I know nothing feels right. 

Jayne xx

Hi Jayne

I'm ok thanks, how are you feeling today?

Yes, it's definitely difficult  to live with each day. Since losing mum Fridays are a low day, I always think this time so many weeks ago she was still here. My mind still won't accept she's gone and I still talk like she's still here. It's such a strange feeling as you know and I'd give anything to be able to say Hi Mum and to hear Hi Nic

My brother changed his WhatsApp picture of him and mum looking at each other. It knocked me for six. It's such a lovely photo and you can see the love, pride and adoration in her face. We were so so lucky to have her, and I know so many people never experience that type of love but it's so hard without her. If only ........

Thinking of you, take care of yourself and family.

Best wishes

Nicola x

Hi nicola

Thinking of you. Gosh everyday is a struggle. Diffenantly a roller coaster. One day you feel a little stronger then your right back at the start again. Hope your brother is helping you through. Still early days really,trying to keep busy sometimes helps for a awhile but we need time to reflect also. Really hope your taking care of you.

sending hugs

jayne xx