Hi Nicola,

im exactly the same. I lost my mum about 16 weeks ago, and ever since I've had moments where it's just unbearable but I keep thinking oh it's fine I'll see her later anyway. It's like I can't trick my brain into actually believing it, I'm constantly telling myself I'll see her or speak to her later so I don't need to be sad. We haven't cleaned out any of her things yet which none of us want to do at all, but seeing everything just how it was when she was here it's just so hard to imagine that she's gone. I am terrified for when I do start to believe it because it's going to be unbearable. I get so angry too, it's just not fair is it. My Aunty text me the other day saying how she was starting to feel better and happier and it wound me up- I just thought lucky for you! Everyone means well I just have no tolerance for anybody anymore and I'll happily take them on! I haven't seen my dad or my brother in weeks too cause of bloody corona. Just sick of it all.  Stay strong and somehow we'll get through this xxx

Hi RachWBA

Thank you for your reply to my post. I'm sorry you lost your mum.

I can completely relate to everything you say, it's such a surreal feeling. I start to get tearful and then it just goes, like a switch. I know that it will hit and like you,  know how unbearable it will be. 

I saw my mums husband in Sainsbury's last week and immediately I thought where's mum. Sometimes, I wish I could run and run and run and just never see familiar places ever again.

Sorting your mums things will be very difficult and I hope you have support when you do it. My mums husband returned every photo of my children that id given my mum a few days after she passed and I was told if I wanted anything I had to go to theirs and take what I wanted. Couldn't believe it as he put all of her clothes in the lounge and I had to take what I wanted. It was heartbreaking to say the least, I was so angry with him because what was the rush. I will never understand it. I've now got a wardrobe full of her clothes and shoes because at present I can't bear to let any of it go.

I understand what you mean about your aunty I guess she's trying to help you believe it will get better but you need to be able to take it at your own pace. My uncle tells me every time I speak to him that 'they only take the good ones'. Really, is that supposed to make me feel better? I know it's difficult to know what to say to comfort you but honestly it's better to say nothing. 

I hope that you are able to see your Dad and brother soon and that you can give each other ongoing support.

Thanks again and it's good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. Sending  you my best wishes.

Nicola x

Hi Jayne

I'm ok thanks, how are you feeling today?

Yes, it's definitely difficult  to live with each day. Since losing mum Fridays are a low day, I always think this time so many weeks ago she was still here. My mind still won't accept she's gone and I still talk like she's still here. It's such a strange feeling as you know and I'd give anything to be able to say Hi Mum and to hear Hi Nic

My brother changed his WhatsApp picture of him and mum looking at each other. It knocked me for six. It's such a lovely photo and you can see the love, pride and adoration in her face. We were so so lucky to have her, and I know so many people never experience that type of love but it's so hard without her. If only ........

Thinking of you, take care of yourself and family.

Best wishes

Nicola x

Hi nicola

Thinking of you. Gosh everyday is a struggle. Diffenantly a roller coaster. One day you feel a little stronger then your right back at the start again. Hope your brother is helping you through. Still early days really,trying to keep busy sometimes helps for a awhile but we need time to reflect also. Really hope your taking care of you.

sending hugs

jayne xx

Hi Jayne, 

Thinking of you too. Yes totally agree with you, really is like a rollercoaster. I hope you are coping when you have bad days.  I think you are right about the need to reflect, I read lots of people write their thoughts down. Probably helps a lot. Just makes me wonder if I will ever feel content again 

Im very lucky as I have amazing children and a good family.  Hope you are getting support too. 

Life will never be the same.

Sending Hugs

Nicola x

Hi Nicola x

Yes your right, don't think we will ever feel the same again. Having your mum taken to soon is something we shouldn't even expect to get over. ( or even want to). When they are in our thoughts they are very much still in our lives. 

Yes our families and our children give us distraction and our love for them although different to the love between ourselves and our mums is not comparable. We can only hope to offer the bond that was created for us. It hurts everyday, I still and always will love my mum everyday. 

Your in my thoughts, take care

love Jayne xxx

Hi Jayne

Yes, I totally agree, I think about and love my mum constantly, she's never out of my head. I totally get what you mean about never wanting to getting over their loss. It's something you accept and learn to live with in time I guess. I think cos our mums were taken too soon makes you so sad for them, that there were so many more experiences and memories to be made. I struggle so much with the 'This is it' feeling, a part of me still thinks she's coming back. 

I love how our mums taught us how to be mums and that's something you will never have taken away, what's that saying "you reap what you sow". My mum was so loved and the huge gap she's left is testament to her and what she means to us all. I know it's the same for you. Life has to move forward I know but there's so much I want to tell my mum. It's so hard accepting I can't.

Thanks for staying in touch, it helps me so much knowing how others genuinely get how you feel. I think cos we and our mums are similar age you understand what each other is going through. 

Thinking of you, Take care.

Nicola x

Hi Nicola

How are you ? Gosh grief is a journey, find I still have tears most days. I've had a big birthday recently,I found that really hard. The thoughts of Mum are never far away. Just wanted you to know I still think about you and your family, hope your doing ok together. Xx

love Jayne xx

Hi Jayne, thanks for thinking of us. I often wonder how you and your family are coping.

That must of been a difficult day for you, trying to celebrate but also missing your mum being there so much. Grief is such a difficult journey.

I think the tears help, I still rarely cry,  I wish I could. I feel wrong for not. I miss my mum desperately, I think about her all day every day. I still haven't moved on from the feeling that she's coming back soon.

I went back to work today on a phased return. I ended up not doing very much, just some training and checking emails so was ok. The first step forward to my new normal although I'd give anything to go back to my real normal.

Take care and best wishes.

Nicola x

Bless you Nicola,

I know that feeling. I think for the rest of our lives the complete void we feel will have a presents about us. It's so hard, I find the start and end of the day worse, I don't not want to think of Mum but it just brings tears to me. Have you still got your Dad? 

All I can say is your not alone sweetheart, im right here with you, I feel your pain. Keep in touch.

regards Jayne xx

Hi Jayne, Thanks for your kind words, it helps me so much knowing you understand how I feel. So sad that grief is part of life.

I totally understand what you are saying and believe that this is how it will be for me now, my mum was such a huge part of my life that her loss will never fade. I know that in time I will learn to live this way but it still feels so wrong and unsettled. 

I think if you can cry it's so much better for you and you are dealing with those feelings, I wish I could cry more  for my mum. My daughters are able to and can get their feelings out there. I do have tears and terribly low days but I don't sob like I thought I would. I'm always waiting for it to happen.

I lost my dad in 2016, it was a complete shock as he hadn't been unwell. My mum and dad divorced when I was a teenager but they remained very close friends. Losing both in a short period has been hard. How about you, do you still have your dad?  
 

Thanks again Jayne, thinking of you and hope you are being supported. Stay in touch and take care of yourself.

Best wishes

Nicola x

Hi Nicola

Gosh, it's all life changing isn't it. People say when you lose someone you love something inside you leaves also. It's like an open wound, not being able to heal. As the days go by, I'm finding it sooo hard. You just miss them so much. The voice, the laughter,mother advise,their hugs.

My dad is 80, now a broken man, so trying to support him also. Going over home tears me up every time. Mum totally looked after dad, cooking etc. So he needs us, so a new learning curve for us all. Life just seems all wrong currently. Certainly can't get my enthusiasm back to do any thing much.

Hows work going for you now? I will be trying to return soon ️.

Do your girls live at home, wondering what ages they are. I have a 22 yr old and a 19 yr old.

Take care Nicola. Glad your there, it helps  xx

Hi Nicola

Gosh, it's all life changing isn't it. People say when you lose someone you love something inside you leaves also. It's like an open wound, not being able to heal. As the days go by, I'm finding it sooo hard. You just miss them so much. The voice, the laughter,mother advise,their hugs.

My dad is 80, now a broken man, so trying to support him also. Going over home tears me up every time. Mum totally looked after dad, cooking etc. So he needs us, so a new learning curve for us all. Life just seems all wrong currently. Certainly can't get my enthusiasm back to do any thing much.

Hows work going for you now? I will be trying to return soon ️.

Do your girls live at home, wondering what ages they are. I have a 22 yr old and a 19 yr old.

Take care Nicola. Glad your there, it helps  xx

Hi Nicola and Jayne, sorry to hear of your losses. My mum passed away of endometrial sarcoma 7 weeks ago. I'm in my early 40s not married and my brother is 37 not married either. My dad is trying to be brave but very sad and cries at any memory. My mum was only 71. She was diagnosed only 10 months prior and was mostly fine until 3 weeks before. Then she rapidy declined. I think about the last 6 days she spent at home a lot -she was on morphine, midazolam and an anti-nausea via the syringe driver. 

She was in a lot of pain for the last 48 hours or so. Then they give her midazolam and she never woke from it. Doesyou know if the pain can still be felt while on it? I worry a lot about whether she could still feel her intense pain, whether she could hear us talking to her. 

It's so sad. I wake up in disbelief every morning too so I totally understand how you all feel. I dont have a husband or boyfriend or children either. Count yourselves lucky that you have them in your lives!

Hi Jayne

Yes, it does get harder as the days go by. I see my mum so vividly but as I step forward she steps back. My heart aches and a laugh, a chat feels so long ago. As you say, the wound will never heal. Have you got any voicemails or videos of your mum? Just to hear her voice again may comfort you. At the moment I can't even look at a picture of my mum, it breaks me and even though I want it to hit, for some reason I have to push it away. I hope in time I can have photos of her around.

Must be so hard going home and your mum not being there, your poor dad. I really feel your sadness. As you say a new way of living. My sister lived with my mum and mums husband, she has very bad days and I can't imagine how hard it is for her. 
 

Work has been ok thanks, I've not had to do my normal job and that has helped a lot, im in the office next week as well so it's easing me in before I start clinical work again. I hope work will be ok when you go back. So hard when your friends/colleagues lives haven't changed at all but we've lost so much.

I've got four lovely girls 35, 33, 30 and 29. My son is 14, I've been very lucky to have such wonderful children and I count my blessings daily. I'm exceptionally close to all of them. My mum helped me raise them and she too was  so very close to them, they've lost a second mum and their struggle is massive. They are there for me though always and help me so much. Second daughter and son still live at home so I'm never on my own. That makes a huge difference for me as they are always there when I'm having very bad days. 
 

Are both your girls at home? Hope you are all able to help each other. 
 

Take care and glad your are there too

Nicola x

Hi rk999

So sorry you've lost your mum, nothing can prepare you and it's so hard saying goodbye. I'm sorry for your dad and brother's loss too. My mum was almost 75, I feel so sad that her life was cut short and that she's missing out on everything she loved so much. 

My mum also had a very rapid decline. It's awful to think of our mums in pain, my mum didn't have the syringe driver attached until her last day so her sedation dose was minimal. I hope the sedation helped your mum but I don't know the answer to your question. 
 

I find this forum very helpful and talking to Jayne has helped me see I'm not alone. It's a comfort when somebody else can identify with the pain and despair that you feel and help you with it.
 

Take care of yourself and your family and i hope you can give each other support. 
 

Please continue to post on this thread if it helps you in anyway.

Best wishes, Nicola 

Hello to you,

Its so heart wrenching to go through this experience, surely only those of us that do can really symphytise. Bless you,mwe feel your pain in the passing of your Mum.

To watch the most dear person you love in pain is traumatic, we had that to and once the pain relief was ramped up you begin to lose the interaction. But it was only then that Mum seemed to be at piece. I know she could hear us talking to her. So I'm sure your Mum could to.Im also sure her pain was gone other wise she wouldn't of relaxed like she did. Mum was a fighter till the end. Of course we didn't want to lose her nor could we watch her suffer anymore with the bowel problem that occurred. It hurts every minute of everyday, a loss like no other. How do we keep going of that I'm not sure. Cry as you must, it won't change what's happened but it is an emotion to be released.

Here if. Want to chat.

kind regards

Jayne

Hi Rk999

Life is so cruel. I lost my precious Mum 6 weeks ago.

Out of the blue diagnosed with Pancratic cancer with liver and stomach mets. Right there and then we were told there was little that could be done. The week previous to Mums diagnosis she was in London with me, having lovely meals and walks and living life in her joyous way as she always did. 
The cancer took hold immediately and each day was just torture for her and for us to see our invincible Mum deteriorate in front of our eyes.

Covid stole 3 weeks from us that we were not allowed to visit her in hospital, I don't think I will ever recover from the sadness of seeing her face through the window looking so lost.

We were then told nothing could be done and I brought her home and nursed her until her last breath.

It all feels like a nightmare you can't wake up from.

I lost my wonderful Dad only 7 months ago suddenly too, we were only 3 months in from trying to make sense of losing Dad when Mum was diagnosed. As I wrote this, I can't believe this has happened to us still.

My Mum was 72, it will be her birthday tomorrow, I am dreading it, the first birthday I will not spend with her, we spent them together always. My Dad was 74, no age at all. They were so vibrant.

I am 39, no children, I feel I have nothing to cling onto, thank god for my husband who try's to lift me up.

The loss of both parents in such a short time is more than I can bare, but I'm still standing and some days I don't know how. Mum was the most caring, loving & fun Mum anyone could wish for, she was my world.

Hi Hez2020

I could have wrote this post, I'm 39 as well

I too have lost my mum to Pancreatic Cancer just 6 weeks ago. Her birthday is on Saturday and she would have been 72 also. 

My Mum was full of life too and I can't believe she has been taken from me. She was a very young 71 year old, she was healthy and active. She was so kind and a brilliant Nan. 

I feel like Covid has robbed me of precious time with her, due to COVID there was delays in testing and by the time she was diagnosed it was just too late. 

I just feel so angry and find myself asking Why? Why her? Why did I have to lose my Mum? Why do my children have to live without their Nan? 

Life is just so unfair

Hi Hez2020, 

I am so so sorry to hear about your amazing Mum. Happy Birthday to her today.

Strangely it was also my Mum's 72nd birthday this last Saturday. My dad, brother and I ended up going to a restaurant in the countryside to a place that she had really liked when she visited last year. None of us said anything really - it's one of life's big tragedies that a day so happy your whole life goes to being one of the saddest. I hope you are able to get through it somehow. My way was to buy a huge bouquet of flowers for her and place it next to all the pictures of her we have framed and put around the house. Each year I would send her flowers and I have decided I will never stop. 

I totally understand how you are feeling and I can't even comprehend you losing both your parents at such a young age. It's so completely unfair. The one thing is that they are together now. I have to watch my poor dad lost and alone without my Mum. They would have been married 50 years this coming October. He is trying to be brave but it must feel horrible. 

There is something about the sudden deterioration of someone who has been healthy and vibrant as you say their whole life that is so tough to see. I felt that way too and everyone morning I wake up with those images in my mind. We really thought she would beat the disease - I just never thought she would succumb to it regardless of what the doctors told us. I really think she thought she would make it. 

I know there is very little I can say to make you feel better. Somehow this forum does help me - hearing that others are going through the same thing. Also, feel grateful that you have your husband - I don't, and I rely on my friends and family. It would be nice to have a partner who is there to support you all the time and who you don't have to be strong for. 

All my love, 

R

Hi Nicola, 

Im so so sorry for my late reply. Also, of course very sorry for your loss. Yes we are stumbling along - it will be 3 months in two days, how time flies. It was her 72nd birthday last weekend which was very hard. None of us really knew what to say to each other. I posted a picture of her on Instragram and it was comforting to hear all the lovely things that people had to say about her. 

I think about her final days a lot - how weak and frail she was, losing control of her body, not being able to eat, all the sores in her mouth, not even being able to turn herself in bed. Poor thing. I wish I could get those images out of my mind and focus on the good only but I can't, not yet at least. 

Love to you all,

R

Hi Jayne, 

So very sorry for my late reply. Thank you so much for your note and what you say regarding the pain relief makes a lot of sense.

I hope you are starting to feel better. Well not better as such but at least getting used to living with the loss - maybe that is the best we can hope for.  

I try to remember my mother fondly but I just feel so sad at how she suffered that final month - so restless at night, unable to eat or sleep and yes being alone in the hospital for a few nights. She was such a good and kind person - didn't deserve that end at all and such a young age too. Not that any cancer is better or worse to die from than the others but what the bowl obstruction does to the body is so miserable. 

Maybe it is true what they say that God takes all the good ones first - certainly true for all the mothers of the ladies on this forum. 

All my love,

R

Hi Jo23, 

I wondered how you are doing? 

Just over 2 months now without Mum. Still doesn't feel real to me, like I am stuck in a place where I am just waiting for her to come back. 
Whatever has happened in life previously it's all gone back to normal, and to know that will never happen is so scary. I think about Mum every minute, and torture myself thinking I just need her to come back and make it all ok.

I look at families sat having meals together, happy and smiling like we always have and think why.. why us? We were so happy with the little things in life and just sat together having a glass of wine and a laugh was enough.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm doing well considering how Mum & I were attached at the hip, but it angers me as I think I'm dying inside ... I will always be sad.

Mum taught me to be strong and I try so hard but as the time goes on and the realisation hits harder, some days are just impossible.

Next week I have to start work again, my whole life changed in the blink of an eye and I am dreading it, I feel like work is so petty in comparison to what has happened, but routine I guess sometimes helps. 
Are you starting to make any sense from losing your mum yet?

Be nice to hear from you.