Hi you probably read some of my posts let me say first how sorry i am you must all be suffering .ive been in your dads position and yours . He will pick himself up no doupt about that we dont think we will but we do .you need to get on with your life if you stay you litraly will be making a rod for your back as your poor dad will rely on you and never get back on his feet i went through the same with paperwork but once you do the first lot of paperwork the rest comes eisier might i suggest a quick phone call to your dad last thing at night because thats when it hurts and the lonelyness of that empty bed realy hits so a quick chat will just take a bit of lonelyness away . Its Ionely road is Grief for you to but we do get through it we aways miss our loved ones but it dosnt hurt just a mild ache but like i am he will be ok then you will be ok seems to work that way but can empathise with you both .paul

Hi Lucy,

I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel and you're not alone. We, too, are facing the prospect that my Dad will not be around for much longer and I worry so much about my Mum as they are soul mates and have been together since the age of 18. 

x 

Hi

We've just had the news that my Dad has Oesophageal Cancer and he cannot have surgery or Chemo/Radio as the Drs have said Surgery too invasive for his body to cope with it and also the tumour on his foodpipe won't respond to ChemoRadio so basically my Dad is a write off.  I feel absolutely devastated and we are just trying to process it all and try to remain positive for my Dad but it's so hard.  We had no idea it was even cancer.  We thought it was a hernia and to be told quite bluntly that you've done well to reach 74.  I'm so upset and angry why my Dad he's suffered with Rheumatoid arthritis all his life and now this.  
 

Lou x

Hello Lucy. 

I would like to send my condolences to you following the death of your mother after a long struggle for all concerned. I hope you are able to find some comfort with the thought that she is now at peace and her suffering is over.

I really don't think you need to feel guilty about leaving your father on his own. He will feel broken whether you are with him or not.

I was widowed aged 57 in 2016 when I lost my dear husband to lung cancer. I have 2 sons who were 35 and 32 at the time who live away. I would have never given a thought to them staying with me, they have their own lives, partners, jobs etc.

They are always there if I need them, we keep in touch every day. They lost their father which is hard for them but as I know from losing my mum it is not the same as losing a spouse or partner.

It maybe sounds selfish but I didn't want them to stay with me, I knew that I had to cope on my own and face the reality of the big hole left in my life. Maybe your father is thinking the same way.

It is so hard l won't deny it but we gradually have to accept the new normal.

I send my best wishes and I am sure that your mother would be happy to see you getting on with your life and with many happy memories in your heart.

Lynne.

Hi Everyone, 

Thank you so much for all your replies, always nice to hear from others who are going through the same thing or can relate in some way.

I think the main reason I really worry is because I lost my Grandma years ago now and my Grandad went from being this strong, independant guy to an absolute shell of himself and through a state of loneliness ended up making himself ill and passing away himself 5 years later.

Also my mum did everything for my dad, he spent their whole marriage in ignorant bliss to the amount of house work/ admin work etc that mum did, and he really has no idea how much there is that needs to be done, I will have to write him up an instruction manual on what needs doing weekly, how to pay bills, etc etc. Sounds pathetic but it really is needed.  

He does have a social life and friends, he's still nipping out to the pub for his pint with friends, which is good as he's not cooping himself up inside feeling sorry for himself, and he's hoping to get back out fishing once the weather brightens up. 

Of course I will try to get back once a month or so, however I'm aware a couple of days being at home is literally just paving over the cracks for a short duration of time, the rest of the time he's just alone. 

I will be glad of the break though to be honest, dealing with the death of my Mum whilst also sorting all probate things, utility bills, pensions, cooking, cleaning etc is really starting to wear me down. I am in need of some time out for myself, for the sake of my own health and sanity. Starting to get very agitated which doesn't help anyone. 

Hi Lucy,

Sounds like you have been incredibly brave throughout this. You do where possible have to invest time in yourself too as it can mask the grieving process to move from looking after someone with cancer to then picking up the pieces after. I'm still in the process of checking in on my nan, dad and bro to make sure they are ok but im conscious I have to be ok as well. 

Well Done, you're being incredibly brave though! 

Scott

Hi again Lucy. I had a little chuckle to myself when reading of your Dad's cooking skills, finances etc

My dad is just the same, my mum did everything for him. She died in 2011 when he was 80 and my brother and myself thought he wouldn't last long after my mum. Heis coming up to 89 now but still can't cook, do any washing or deal with bills or anything financial and has never had any intentions of trying. The thing is he just lives 5 minutes away from me so I suppose I made a rod for my own back as I didn't want to upset him after my mum died.However 9 years later and nothing has changed, I sometimes wish I was further away. In the middle of this I cared for my late husband at home on his 6 month cancer journey. I don't think things are going to change now!!!

Take care,

Lynne.

I was the same as you, I grieved a lot before my dad even passed away and on that last day I remember saying in my head 'dad go to sleep now'. Never in a million years did I think I would say that, selfishly at all costs I wanted him here, but the torture at the end is unbearable. 
 

I have hands down found the hardest part of this worrying about my mum being alone. I don't even know what the answer is, but 11 months on I still worry and am constantly calling her to make sure she has plans. I think it's just natural to worry and of course mum keeps saying I still need to live my own life. Easier said than done! 
Keep in contact, visit often, but ultimately and sadly I think it would do them more harm than good for us to live there and them become reliant on our company. 

I didn't, but at 31 I wanted to move back home even though I had just had a baby and a husband. 

So bloody hard and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this as well x 

Being 3-4 hour drive away, I had to leave my dad after a couple of  months with a sort of menu plan and he drew up his own bills and housework and laundry plan.  In his 80s he picked up the cooking no problem,which surprised us all, and had a couple of meals out a week.  I messaged every morning and called every night, sometimes for an hour or so,I must admit also checking also what was eaten and that he had some greens and plenty water. Regular visits,and especially initially and daily contact, and knowing you care go a long way.