Hello Lucy. 

I would like to send my condolences to you following the death of your mother after a long struggle for all concerned. I hope you are able to find some comfort with the thought that she is now at peace and her suffering is over.

I really don't think you need to feel guilty about leaving your father on his own. He will feel broken whether you are with him or not.

I was widowed aged 57 in 2016 when I lost my dear husband to lung cancer. I have 2 sons who were 35 and 32 at the time who live away. I would have never given a thought to them staying with me, they have their own lives, partners, jobs etc.

They are always there if I need them, we keep in touch every day. They lost their father which is hard for them but as I know from losing my mum it is not the same as losing a spouse or partner.

It maybe sounds selfish but I didn't want them to stay with me, I knew that I had to cope on my own and face the reality of the big hole left in my life. Maybe your father is thinking the same way.

It is so hard l won't deny it but we gradually have to accept the new normal.

I send my best wishes and I am sure that your mother would be happy to see you getting on with your life and with many happy memories in your heart.

Lynne.

Hello Lucy. 

I would like to send my condolences to you following the death of your mother after a long struggle for all concerned. I hope you are able to find some comfort with the thought that she is now at peace and her suffering is over.

I really don't think you need to feel guilty about leaving your father on his own. He will feel broken whether you are with him or not.

I was widowed aged 57 in 2016 when I lost my dear husband to lung cancer. I have 2 sons who were 35 and 32 at the time who live away. I would have never given a thought to them staying with me, they have their own lives, partners, jobs etc.

They are always there if I need them, we keep in touch every day. They lost their father which is hard for them but as I know from losing my mum it is not the same as losing a spouse or partner.

It maybe sounds selfish but I didn't want them to stay with me, I knew that I had to cope on my own and face the reality of the big hole left in my life. Maybe your father is thinking the same way.

It is so hard l won't deny it but we gradually have to accept the new normal.

I send my best wishes and I am sure that your mother would be happy to see you getting on with your life and with many happy memories in your heart.

Lynne.

Hi Everyone, 

Thank you so much for all your replies, always nice to hear from others who are going through the same thing or can relate in some way.

I think the main reason I really worry is because I lost my Grandma years ago now and my Grandad went from being this strong, independant guy to an absolute shell of himself and through a state of loneliness ended up making himself ill and passing away himself 5 years later.

Also my mum did everything for my dad, he spent their whole marriage in ignorant bliss to the amount of house work/ admin work etc that mum did, and he really has no idea how much there is that needs to be done, I will have to write him up an instruction manual on what needs doing weekly, how to pay bills, etc etc. Sounds pathetic but it really is needed.  

He does have a social life and friends, he's still nipping out to the pub for his pint with friends, which is good as he's not cooping himself up inside feeling sorry for himself, and he's hoping to get back out fishing once the weather brightens up. 

Of course I will try to get back once a month or so, however I'm aware a couple of days being at home is literally just paving over the cracks for a short duration of time, the rest of the time he's just alone. 

I will be glad of the break though to be honest, dealing with the death of my Mum whilst also sorting all probate things, utility bills, pensions, cooking, cleaning etc is really starting to wear me down. I am in need of some time out for myself, for the sake of my own health and sanity. Starting to get very agitated which doesn't help anyone. 

Hi Lucy,

Sounds like you have been incredibly brave throughout this. You do where possible have to invest time in yourself too as it can mask the grieving process to move from looking after someone with cancer to then picking up the pieces after. I'm still in the process of checking in on my nan, dad and bro to make sure they are ok but im conscious I have to be ok as well. 

Well Done, you're being incredibly brave though! 

Scott

Hi again Lucy. I had a little chuckle to myself when reading of your Dad's cooking skills, finances etc

My dad is just the same, my mum did everything for him. She died in 2011 when he was 80 and my brother and myself thought he wouldn't last long after my mum. Heis coming up to 89 now but still can't cook, do any washing or deal with bills or anything financial and has never had any intentions of trying. The thing is he just lives 5 minutes away from me so I suppose I made a rod for my own back as I didn't want to upset him after my mum died.However 9 years later and nothing has changed, I sometimes wish I was further away. In the middle of this I cared for my late husband at home on his 6 month cancer journey. I don't think things are going to change now!!!

Take care,

Lynne.

Lynne, I understand partly how you must feel regarding your dad. My mum died 9 months ago. Mum and dad had been married for 66 yrs. My dad is 90yrs old, lives alone and manages with the help of my brothers, sisters and me. We go and see him every day. But he is so lonely and grieving, but doesn't complain. It is heart breaking. If I miss a day of visiting I feel so guilty. I feel like I want to take on his pain for him. How do we get through this.