I so sorry for your loss I've been through exactly the same scenario where my dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer so I was looking after him  for 2 years at 18 then after he beat it and recovered abit due to the chemo he got spots on his lungs. loads of hospital operations later the days went by he took all the medicine at home by the home nurse and all the injections they was giving him I felt as if they was just giving him doses off stuff he dosnt need !! as the days went by he got skinner and skinner and could not move eat drink and my dad was healthy he would always jump up run around play about in his 50s till he the bowel cancer a week went by me and his wife staying up back to back giving him oxygen off the tank on and off swobbing his mouth and then came the moments he took his last breaths and I couldn't bare the pain I was just in shock I've never experienced something like this in my life and I've been through a lot I can't get the picture out my head on my dad it plays over now and then and it just haunts me every time I break down but I have to stay strong if u ever want to talk let me know [@Gabrielle21]‍ 

After my dad died this week I have felt really strongly to read and help some people on here. May I just say that your reply is so true and simply amazing to read! Thankyou x

My dad died on Tuesday in exactly the same circumstances as you and you have to take comfort that you were all there when he passed. Sounds like you did everything for him and said exactly the right things to comfort him at the right times. It's very hard to come to terms with this but in time it will get better. Bring family a little closer and talk about the happy memories holidays and hobbies and then you will all learn to laugh again. 
Sending you so much love and light xx

Hi Gabrielle,

your not alone! My dad passed two days ago and I was with him until his last breath. He had the "death rattle" as they call it but I was lucky enough to have a Marie curie nurse in who told me he wouldn't see the next day but was not in pain. This allowed us to be by his side and expect the death however, when he eventually passed away the horrible noise and last breaths he had are haunting my every memory. I can't sleep, if I stop and think it relax I think of this. I know it's early but I worry this won't go away. I am lucky I have a lovely family and an amazing wife  to speak to but I personally will be seeking some counselling tomorrow to help me through. I am not scared to ask for help we all need it. I wish, and hope you can feel comfort going forward and I hope you can get the haunted images out of your head. If you can't please seek help. Take care x

Hi, my dad died two years ago in November, so shortly after your dad died. My dad did not pass silently  in his sleep either. He gasped for air for around 40 minutes, his eyes followed our voices. Most of the time I am ok with this,, time heals etc. But it still haunts me. There was an incidient at the hospital before he died and he was left in alot  of pain. You are right, it is very hard. People can say what they like, But it happened, it leavesus feeling confused about what they are experiencing,  and it was not what I expected, what i had hoped for him,  and it continues to stay with me. Life is not what we read in the fairytales and neither is death, as it turns out. Two years later I still picture it and it crushes me, but I can't tell anyone, becuase we just don't talk about death. We just talk about healing and moving on my circle. So i feel weak. 

I can 100% relate to this post-my dad died 6 weeks ago. my dad died 9 weeks after he was diagnosed with cancer..(he told us 2 weeks after he was diagnosed) giving us 7 weeks with dad before he died. Those 6 weeks n 5 days were spent in hospital n final 2 days at home where he wanted to die.. watching my dad lose his ability to talk to walk, to eat, watching him take his final breath is the most traumatic experience I've ever been through..  I have flash backs making sleeping very difficult. I miss him soo much his smile his smell our chats.. 

Hi, so sorry for your loss. And everyone else reading this in similar situations.

I know it's been years since you posted but I've just been through a similar situation so wanted to reply 

My Dad was diagnosed with colon cancer with liver mets already present at diagnosis 2 years ago, in October 2020. He had surgery on the original colon tumor which was successful & then 18 months of chemo to try & shrink/keep at bay the liver mets. He did really well on chemo for 18 months until May this year when scans showed it was no longer effective. He was put forward for a clinical trial in September IF he was well enough, unfortunately before this time he was hospitalised twice with suspected sepsis, it was concluded that it wasn't in fact sepsis but was in fact his own liver starting to fail & there was "nothing more they could do". He was sent home from hospital & was told to prepare himself that he only had "weeks" to live.
 

After 8 & a half weeks (so he did well bless him) we had to call an ambulance for him as he was in severe pain, I personally knew at this moment that he would not be going back home again :( He was admitted to hospital, the pain was controlled but 2 days after being admitted he was deteriorating quite rapidly.
 

I was with him for his last 3 hours..... it certainly did not seem peaceful to me at all, he was complaining of pain (despite the nurses administering pain relief), was very restless (which I do know is a part of the dying process), but it was the way he looked at me that still haunts me... my Dad who has always been my protector, the macho man that would never let his daughter see him suffering made eye contact with me & looked to me to be absolutely petrified. I can't get this image out of my head. After receiving his "final dose" of morphine the last 15 minutes of his life were peaceful, despite his Cheyne-Stokes breathing, which again I know is a normal process. But it is the hour before this final 15 minutes that I keep thinking of & can't get the image out of my head. After he passed sitting with him for a while, to me he still didn't look "at peace" after he had passed. I have not told any of the other family of this as as far as they are aware it was very peaceful... and I would rather them think that for their own comfort  
 

It was 12 days ago that he passed away, 5 days after his 66th birthday, today I visited him in the chapel of rest. Although he did not by any means look 'alive' I do think it really helped me going to see him today, he looked at peace, actually looking better than he has done for the last 6 month, it was nice for me to have my last ever sight of my Dad being at peace, with no jaundice (which he had for the 8 weeks before his death), and looking like the old him from 6 months plus ago 

So my advice to anyone that has the same experience of the original poster & myself is that if you are able to, and if you WANT to as I am aware it is a personal choice (my sister did not want to go to the chapel of rest), that it has really helped me today. And although I will probably always have that vision of him looking scared, seeing him at peace today did help me compared to 12 days ago 

His funeral is Tuesday, I may well visit him again on Monday, it really did help me 

Take care everyone xxx 

Gosh, I could have written this post myself. It's so very similar to how I feel about my Dad's passing, and how I've been feeling since he passed away in April. I'm haunted by my Dad's death too. I still vividly see the images of him dying, gasping for air and making noises. I can really relate to your experience and your loss. I'm really sorry to hear your sad story, and when I read it, I couldn't believe how similar it was to my own. My Dad was my rock, and I thought he still had time. My head is full of thoughts, sadness and memories from that fateful night. We didn't have any family around, it was just me and my son who were at my Dad's bedside when he was close to dying. It's a long story but I was just thinking and feeling the same things as you. My Dad passed in April this year and near the end, we just didn't want him to suffer anymore, but it was the saddest night I've known since my mum passed. My world changed overnight. I hope you can find some comfort through your grief. It's hard and things aren't the same again. Thanks for sharing your story. Take care. X

Gabrielle 21.  I know exactly how you feel.  I looked into my Dad's eyes as he was passing away.  He used to joke that he wasn't bothered about living forever but in his final moments he was scared.  He breathed "I'm scared"  through his oxygen mask.  It haunts me  I know, knew him so well that we called each other soulmates.  I felt him leave me.  He pointed as he was passing to something I couldn't see.  I said " what Daddy what?". .I thought he was pointing to the window. It was like he saw something beyond my recognition.  I followed his finger for a split second and I turned back to him and his spirit  had flown away. All in a heartbeat.