Hi Gabrielle, I feel the exact same as you.

No one talks about the actual dying part and I'm angry that no one prepared us for it. I think my Mum had a pulmonary embolism on the day she died, I came in really early in the morning and she told me she was in pain and they weren't giving her pain relief, so I asked the nurses to keep giving her morphine, muscle relaxants, anything to make her feel okay, then she dropped into unconsciousness but she kept placing her hand over her heart.

Her family came to visit and say goodbye and I couldn't see them so I stayed away for 3, maybe 4 hours, then I came back and it was just me and my sisters. We drew the curtains and sat down by her bed and held her hands and started to tell her what we were going to do with the rest of our lives (we're 20, 22 & 24) and then suddenly she opened her eyes and started moving them back and forth really quickly and taking really shallow fast breaths. I panicked and ran to tell the nurse who gave her more morphine, I could hear her struggling to breathe on the other side of the curtain but I couldn't go back in, it was like I was paralysed, and then she died. 

She died with her eyes open and I wasn't there. She couldn't see anything except the ceiling (if she could see) and all she could hear was the three of us crying uncontrollably. I am haunted by that. She must have been so scared and all I did that day was pump her with drugs and not even be there in her last moments. I feel sick and guilty and horrified at the amount of pain and fear she must have felt, it keeps me up at night and makes my stomach churn and it feels like my biggest secret because no one has asked what her death was like, so I just carry it with me and it eats away at me.

Hi Gabrielle, I feel the exact same as you.

No one talks about the actual dying part and I'm angry that no one prepared us for it. I think my Mum had a pulmonary embolism on the day she died, I came in really early in the morning and she told me she was in pain and they weren't giving her pain relief, so I asked the nurses to keep giving her morphine, muscle relaxants, anything to make her feel okay, then she dropped into unconsciousness but she kept placing her hand over her heart.

Her family came to visit and say goodbye and I couldn't see them so I stayed away for 3, maybe 4 hours, then I came back and it was just me and my sisters. We drew the curtains and sat down by her bed and held her hands and started to tell her what we were going to do with the rest of our lives (we're 20, 22 & 24) and then suddenly she opened her eyes and started moving them back and forth really quickly and taking really shallow fast breaths. I panicked and ran to tell the nurse who gave her more morphine, I could hear her struggling to breathe on the other side of the curtain but I couldn't go back in, it was like I was paralysed, and then she died. 

She died with her eyes open and I wasn't there. She couldn't see anything except the ceiling (if she could see) and all she could hear was the three of us crying uncontrollably. I am haunted by that. She must have been so scared and all I did that day was pump her with drugs and not even be there in her last moments. I feel sick and guilty and horrified at the amount of pain and fear she must have felt, it keeps me up at night and makes my stomach churn and it feels like my biggest secret because no one has asked what her death was like, so I just carry it with me and it eats away at me.

Hi pgh you where there just behind the curtain honest however someone dies its not like the media portrays its horrible i dont think your mum will have been frightend and ive seen daughters freeze my partners daughter froze when she came to see liz in hospital ai litraly had to put my hands round her and lead her to the bed so i wouldnt feel guilty about that you where there hope my kids are as good when i go but not just yet sounds like the guilt things getting to you try not to let it if you can .paul