Hi there Caroline...

Oh my, your heart must be braking ... this first year is what l think is the raw year ... like a wound that does not heal ... you have been through a tramatic time ... and to have children, you have to care for day to day ... l think your doing an amazing job ... and yes birthdays and xmas and dad's day, they will all hurt ... what l did on my mum's birthday was go somewhere she loved, have a cream cake, and order a snowball drink, that she loved ... Xmas we had a chat about mum time ... and raised a glass up to her .. 

There are ways to bring him along on this path your all on, and share thoughts, hugs, and even a few tears with your kids .. I lost mum nearly 30 years ago, but we still talk about her lots of times .. 

One thing that does really make me so sad, is to have a mother like that... there is no excuse not to hold your child's hand through this time, no matter the age .. even if she had things in her past, so did my dad.. he was abused for years as a child, but turned out the most wonderful loveling dad ever .. 

If I'd been blessed to have had a daughter like you... I'd be so proud of you right now .. when l lost mum, my then hubby just said "everyone's got to die sometime" I stopped loving him that day, and that's why he's my ex ... so from this mum, with no daughter's, I'm sending you a big proud mummy hug ..

She will need you one day, and just remember what she did for you, at this time... you are being a wonderfull mum to your babies, you will never hurt them as you are not your mum.. if it were me, I'd not even give her another thought, if she's not there now, she never will be... 

Any time you need a chat, I'm here most days ... hold on to those kids of yours, they'll help you through ..

Look after your heart now ... chrissie 

Hello Caroline; am so sorry you are having such a rough time. Of course you miss your husband even more when there is a family celebration and this should be a time when families come together.  Has your mum always been difficult in this way?  Does she have trouble when dealing with emotional subjects?  More to the point did she support you throughout your husband's illness and decease?  I know from personal experience that some people go over the top with gushing when there has been a death while others just shuffle awkwardly and try to avoid talking about it!  Also, sorry to ask questions, did your mum usually come to your daughters' birthday celebrations?  We would all like to think that mum would give us a shoulder to cry on and try to help in any way possible in your situation which is why I wondered if she was always a bit cold? 

I don't know if you have read this website's information about grief so am attaching a copy.  As the article states it is a very personal thing to each and every bereaved person.  However long it takes and whatever form it takes is personal to each bereaved person.

www.cancerresearchuk.org/.../coping-with-grief

My very best wishes to you and your family in this very difficult time.  Annie

Thankyou xx

My mum has always been like this and yes she has been to celebrations before but doesn’t stay that long. I have told myself there does come a time when even though she’s my mother I can’t go on having a person in my life like this. Since my husband was diagnosed she never seen him once even though I only live a 10 minute car journey away. 

Oh dear, that must be hurtful for you.    Maybe your children will want to have a relationship with her but that is of course up to them and it doesn't sound as though your mum is going to put much effort into this.  But you need to do what is right for you and your daughters following the loss of your husband and their father.  I am sure you talk about him at the family celebrations and keep his memory alive in many ways.  If your mother wants to join in then it is up to her to make the effort.  Is your father still around - I only ask because - if he has died - I wonder how she coped with that.  But your responsibility is really to yourself and your daughters now.  Do whatever feels right for yourself.  Annie

Hi there i lost liz the love of my life to 29th april .i got mad with my sister over things but this is diffrent with your mum i would just for time being bite your toungh for a while as if you fall out it may hurt your family to she is still there gran . You may think diffrently later or in the end not care at all but you need to just make your life as simple as possible just look after and be kind to yourself perhaps get over it was all your mum could say just pity her and think ime better than that sorry i cant be much help if at all but your not alone on here .p

My husband died on 18 January 2018. He was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. He died with 2 months. Yesterday on the 14 February was his birthday. It's 2 years since he passed away but it is still very difficult for me. It still feel fresh. I d cry some times. But I have to be strong for our 7 year old daughter. 

Hi ime so sorry its so hard i know . I think in certain ways we never get over it just learn to live with it we realy have no choice ime a guy and have to admit at times it hits me and flattens me i come on in the hope i can give a bit of support .may i ask did you have any counciling it does help especialy as months go by and the world goes back to normal but we are still hurting at least you get to talk about things in my case i contacted the hospice as they deal with loss every day and and that hour a week was a lifeline because for us all of a sudden the life we knew ends and its very hard to start again its iot that long for you and its not to late .best wishs paul

Hi Paul 

I did got a little bit of counselling from Macmillan and now I am getting counselling from the University. 

It is still very hard.. There are times where I don't even feel like getting up at all. 

Yes for some time there dosnt seem much point getting up but it will get easier glad at least you have a counciler to talk to one day the sun will shine and life will have a meaning again its just a question of hanging in there .paul