Hi Sarah,

I know this is an old post but out of sheer desperation I randomly typed into google the words "I can't believe my dad has gone" and your post came up. It is only been about 3 and a half weeks since my Dad passed and I just wanted to let you know i think it is totally normal to feel this way and that i hope you are feeling more hopeful now more time has gone by xx

Hi guys,

My dad died on the 4th Jan 2019.

Like you guys I see him on the hospital bed begging for oxygen, I can think of other memories but it's this that plays over in my mind.  I get periods where it's almost like im obsessing about it all. I think I subconsciously try to pretend he's still here just busy and we haven't got round to catching up yet. Its almost inconceivable that hes no longer going to be here.   This grief at the moment doesn't really seem to get  "better", if anything the intensity if the sadness that hes not here seems to get worse.

Most people think I'm lucky as dads sparked pick up two days before he passed and everything you would want a parent to say to you was said and we laughed and cried together, but then he went down hill fast begging for oxygen to be turned up, but we couldn't as it was doing more harm than good.   I can see why people would think the first part would make me happy.  But I think in a way it only makes it harder, as I have to live with the memory of him deing like that, in some ways I cant help but think it is easier on people who don't witness this but cruel in the sense of not having them moments were things are said.  Thinking like that only  makes me feel guilty, but in my heart I'm grateful for those two days, I just can't get over the end and him suffering.  He was a proud man I know being like that would be the last thing he sould want.  I also know he wouldn't want me to torture myself , but I can't seem to get on with it, I think maybe I don't want to get over it, but I'm not sure.

Hi guys,

My dad died on the 4th Jan 2019.

Like you guys I see him on the hospital bed begging for oxygen, I can think of other memories but it's this that plays over in my mind.  I get periods where it's almost like im obsessing about it all. I think I subconsciously try to pretend he's still here just busy and we haven't got round to catching up yet. Its almost inconceivable that hes no longer going to be here.   This grief at the moment doesn't really seem to get  "better", if anything the intensity if the sadness that hes not here seems to get worse.

Most people think I'm lucky as dads sparked pick up two days before he passed and everything you would want a parent to say to you was said and we laughed and cried together, but then he went down hill fast begging for oxygen to be turned up, but we couldn't as it was doing more harm than good.   I can see why people would think the first part would make me happy.  But I think in a way it only makes it harder, as I have to live with the memory of him deing like that, in some ways I cant help but think it is easier on people who don't witness this but cruel in the sense of not having them moments were things are said.  Thinking like that only  makes me feel guilty, but in my heart I'm grateful for those two days, I just can't get over the end and him suffering.  He was a proud man I know being like that would be the last thing he sould want.  I also know he wouldn't want me to torture myself , but I can't seem to get on with it, I think maybe I don't want to get over it, but I'm not sure.

Hi your message is just how am feeling lost my dad on 2nd november 2019 had to wait until the 15th november for his funeral ...l gave up working to care for my dad we totally adored each other spent many sleepless nights in hospital with him until the end l left to get him to head home for my mum and l had just left like 10mins and he slipped away his pain was over l am so lost without him cant eat or sleep uncontrollable crying l need my dad l keep shouting out for him ,he wouldnt want me to fall to pieces ....so hope its gets easier as l suffer from anxiety attacks ...big hugs to you for sharing your sadness xx

Hi All

I've been reading all your posts and I want to express to you all my deepest condolences on the loss of your Dads. I know exactly what you're all going through - I lost my Dad on 18th December 2016- nearly 3 years ago. I am an only child and i am so similar in nature to my Dad, even looking similar.  We had no idea that he had Metastatic cancer in bowel and bladder too i believe. It was all so very quick with my Dad. He had celebrated his 80th birthday just over a month before adn then was unwell the folloiwng day, with sickness but just presumed too much on his birthday. Then he got a bit better and then he was unwell. They found he had sepsis which they gave him overnight high dose intravenous antibiotics. A week or so later Mum noticed he looked yellow and took him to GP. They said to go to hopsital. that was a Friday. They said they'd do tests the following Monday, and then on the Tuesday they decided to try to put a stent in for him. that didn't work as the mass in him was too big to allow them in. The Thursday they told Mum he had cancer and she told me. It was such as shock - there had been no evident problems. They said it would be weeks rather than months, He had a stent put in in a different way on the Friday and we made plans to get things ready for him to come home. We went to see him Friday, he wasn't great, but rallied when he saw us. He asked for a  close family friend to come up who's also our Associate vicar. He stayed with us till about 11pm when he and i went home, and Mum stayed overnight with Dad.I picked her up the following morning and she had a break. I went back to see Dad in the afternoon- precious times with him just telling him i loved him. Mum went to see him in the evening but didn't ring me at the time she promised and i knew something was wrong. Just as i was sensing it she rang to say he wasn't good. My husband took me in and Mum and I stayed with him. We just sat with Dad holding his hands and talking to him, telling him we loved him and it was ok, and at 1am he gently peacefullly passed away. It was so peaceful and he was in no pain for which I am so thankful. He knew we were there with him, and although it was the hardest thing to ever watch, I'm so glad i was there with him. 

I really struggled with his death - we had had no warning to come to terms with cancer, let alone preparing for him to pass away. I couldn't take it in. I kept remembering those last few days. All the pictures that came back to my head were those last few days and the last hours.Sometimes that's still all I can see in my head, but it does get better. I'd cry on seeing his photo in our wedding picture, but i can look at it now, and I stroke it.

In the days afterwards I'd be helping Mum with sorting things out, and at night/evening I'd be crying on my husband or at bedtime i'd cry. I had to go to the doctor and take longer compassionate leave and ended up having to have time off work for a month or so and then a phased return.  I was lost without him and still feel taht in a way but i know he's always watching over me . It's so awful that it's an exact week before Christmas. That one was so awful. Thankfullly in a way it was only my husband, my Mum and I.  We didn't have to try to pretend anything.  At least we had things to keep us busy such as the paperwork and will etc. and funeral plans. We had to wait until two weeks into the new year before the funeral but at least it gave us time. My husband and i went away in between Christmas and New year as planned as Mum had said Dad would want that. It felt so alien though to leave MUm at that point, especially as she had to see the funeral director. 

Dad left a big hole in my life and heart that can never be filled, but the hole and the heartache does get smaller as life and the "normal" everyday things begins to grow around it. You never lose the feeling completely and no one will ever fill that hole, but you can learn to live with it. Journalling how you feel each day is good, and I found it helpful and still do, sometimes, to write a letter to Dad. I don't now send it, but i just update it, as if i were telling Dad about things.

At the time i had our vicar who i could send cards like father's day and birthday cards to . He kept them all in a special box for me(which I'd given him) and then he will give them back to me when I'm ready to read them and keep them or not if i no longer feel the need to send them. 

Typing a note to Dad is now very therapeutic. I tell him what Mum's doing and my worries about her. I usually type to him around Christmas or his anniversary or bithday,and I talk to him at other times when I'm alone in the house. 

Wishing you all the very best, and I pray that you will know comfort at this difficult time. 

Was so comforting to myself reading all about your beloved dad passing and how you and your mum are coping big hugs to your family ...am trying my best my dad only passed on 2nd Nov 2019 and his funeral was on the 15th Nov first xmas without him