Hello Paula.. I've just come across your post and i remember only to well just how you feel at this moment in time. I lost my wife just over 2 years ago and all i can say is there are lot's of kind people on here and it's partly because those kind people i was able to cope. 

Dear shakia6

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I haven't written to anyone on this site, or put pen to paper much at all since losing my partner to bladder cancer in May. We had the diagnosis in January and believed that surgery would contain the cancer but quickly found out that the cancer had spread to his bowel, and treatment was delayed further as a result of the COVID19 lockdown here. I cared for him throughout until we went into hospice two days before I lost him. The feeling of emptiness you describe is very real to me, and although everyone's grief is unique to them and their relationship, I want you to know that there will be others who can sit with you in your profound loss. I felt numb and lifeless and then overwhelmed with sadness and pain with what felt like no respite. I couldn't think or feel anything without him or it being about him. I had no interest in being with anyone or hearing from anyone but him and every sentiment grated because it wasn't capable of bringing him back. Every day felt like an assault of some kind. It would take monumental effort just to get out of bed, and sometimes I didn't bother. It's all valid, and you don't need to justify any of what you're feeling or experiencing. 

I can't tell you that it goes away. There isn't a second in the day where I don't miss and long for my person. I grieve for the loss of all our plans and I dredge my memories every day just to get me through. But, I do have brief moments where I'm able to see through the feelings to some peace or a joyful memory. I hold onto those. I write to him every day, and have done since that first morning. It helps me to talk to him and share my thoughts and feelings with him. It helps because I know he's here with me, and he'll always be with me. I also visit places that we went to together for quiet walks, and I consider that my precious time for the two of us. I do my best to receive but then set aside the well-intentioned but often ill-timed expectations of some people. People will draw from their own experiences of loss, like I am here, but it cannot compare because no-one else can know the joy of the unique relationship you shared with your husband. I haven't rushed to join a support group either, although covid has prompted me to seek some online support which has been helpful. More than anything, I try to be honest about how I'm feeling, and accept that I have days where I feel like I'm right back at the beginning of this and it feels like everything is too real and raw and unreal all at the same time. 

I know that more than anything, the only support and help you really want right now is the support and love of your husband, and this reply won't give you that. I hope at least you feel heard and this brings you some comfort. You are loved, and that will never leave you. 

My heart goes out to you i lost my dad day before fathers day its a horrible disease aml 

Thank you, David. I'm so sorry to hear you've lost your dad. I hope you are able to talk about your father as often as you want to, and remembering him helps you . More good men need their stories told. I'm sure he's shaped the person you are. 

Hello,

I understand the meaning of bereavement I lost my husband April 19th 2020 to secondary aggressive cancer stage four. We had been together for 28 year's married 25 year's. He was the only man in my life whom I have ever loved. I have cried with heart break. Every day I have to face the loneliness in the morning's and the evening's. My mind never stop's looking at the memories of our live's together, even memories have come forth I thought I had forgotten and has been a task to deal with. Bereavement is like an attachment to my brain which I try hard to deal with and doesn't go away. I keep myself occupied which help's sometimes. I have many wonderful friend's who have listened to my grief. My family also have been very supportive.

Bereavement in away is like a punishment in a way for all the grief of guilt I feel when I look back and as much as I tell my self I cannot changed the past, i still have to deal with my anger, my crying, my loneliness and heart break. I know time is a heeler, how long I have no idea. I loved him with all my heart and alway's will and hope to meet him again one day.

I truly feel your loss and understand what you have and still are going through. It is said it does get easier in time. I look forward to when I can smile when looking at my beautiful memories.

Hi, I'm Gemma,

 I lost my husband to Pancreatic cancer 5 years ago.

We had been together 45 years. I met him when I 

was fifteen years old and we got married 4 years later.

He was diagnosed on June 17th 2016 and died August 17th 2016. I'm happy that I was able to take care of him at home. We had one son and I'm very fortunate to have two beautiful grandchildren, which my husband had already known. He was the love ️ of my life. I miss him desperately. But I'm confident he will be waiting for me when my time comes. 
I so identify with other people who have been through a similar situation . 
I'm very in touch with the after life, we talked about it before my husband passed, and I know he's not in any pain.... he's in a very happy place... He has let me know

Gemma, it is so good to hear you are in touch with the afte life.

We love with our full hearts. That love between us does not suddenly go, from our partners side and our side. It remains and carries on, that's how I feel, just across the thin veil in a dimension we cannot see but exists, like WiFi.

My hope is we get comfort from our loved ones as they see us and know how much we love them. Thank you for sharing. If you wanted to share your experience of connecting with the after life, I would so love to hear. 

much kindness and comfort from 

Fellow spirtial soul