Dear shakia6

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I haven't written to anyone on this site, or put pen to paper much at all since losing my partner to bladder cancer in May. We had the diagnosis in January and believed that surgery would contain the cancer but quickly found out that the cancer had spread to his bowel, and treatment was delayed further as a result of the COVID19 lockdown here. I cared for him throughout until we went into hospice two days before I lost him. The feeling of emptiness you describe is very real to me, and although everyone's grief is unique to them and their relationship, I want you to know that there will be others who can sit with you in your profound loss. I felt numb and lifeless and then overwhelmed with sadness and pain with what felt like no respite. I couldn't think or feel anything without him or it being about him. I had no interest in being with anyone or hearing from anyone but him and every sentiment grated because it wasn't capable of bringing him back. Every day felt like an assault of some kind. It would take monumental effort just to get out of bed, and sometimes I didn't bother. It's all valid, and you don't need to justify any of what you're feeling or experiencing. 

I can't tell you that it goes away. There isn't a second in the day where I don't miss and long for my person. I grieve for the loss of all our plans and I dredge my memories every day just to get me through. But, I do have brief moments where I'm able to see through the feelings to some peace or a joyful memory. I hold onto those. I write to him every day, and have done since that first morning. It helps me to talk to him and share my thoughts and feelings with him. It helps because I know he's here with me, and he'll always be with me. I also visit places that we went to together for quiet walks, and I consider that my precious time for the two of us. I do my best to receive but then set aside the well-intentioned but often ill-timed expectations of some people. People will draw from their own experiences of loss, like I am here, but it cannot compare because no-one else can know the joy of the unique relationship you shared with your husband. I haven't rushed to join a support group either, although covid has prompted me to seek some online support which has been helpful. More than anything, I try to be honest about how I'm feeling, and accept that I have days where I feel like I'm right back at the beginning of this and it feels like everything is too real and raw and unreal all at the same time. 

I know that more than anything, the only support and help you really want right now is the support and love of your husband, and this reply won't give you that. I hope at least you feel heard and this brings you some comfort. You are loved, and that will never leave you. 

Dear shakia6

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I haven't written to anyone on this site, or put pen to paper much at all since losing my partner to bladder cancer in May. We had the diagnosis in January and believed that surgery would contain the cancer but quickly found out that the cancer had spread to his bowel, and treatment was delayed further as a result of the COVID19 lockdown here. I cared for him throughout until we went into hospice two days before I lost him. The feeling of emptiness you describe is very real to me, and although everyone's grief is unique to them and their relationship, I want you to know that there will be others who can sit with you in your profound loss. I felt numb and lifeless and then overwhelmed with sadness and pain with what felt like no respite. I couldn't think or feel anything without him or it being about him. I had no interest in being with anyone or hearing from anyone but him and every sentiment grated because it wasn't capable of bringing him back. Every day felt like an assault of some kind. It would take monumental effort just to get out of bed, and sometimes I didn't bother. It's all valid, and you don't need to justify any of what you're feeling or experiencing. 

I can't tell you that it goes away. There isn't a second in the day where I don't miss and long for my person. I grieve for the loss of all our plans and I dredge my memories every day just to get me through. But, I do have brief moments where I'm able to see through the feelings to some peace or a joyful memory. I hold onto those. I write to him every day, and have done since that first morning. It helps me to talk to him and share my thoughts and feelings with him. It helps because I know he's here with me, and he'll always be with me. I also visit places that we went to together for quiet walks, and I consider that my precious time for the two of us. I do my best to receive but then set aside the well-intentioned but often ill-timed expectations of some people. People will draw from their own experiences of loss, like I am here, but it cannot compare because no-one else can know the joy of the unique relationship you shared with your husband. I haven't rushed to join a support group either, although covid has prompted me to seek some online support which has been helpful. More than anything, I try to be honest about how I'm feeling, and accept that I have days where I feel like I'm right back at the beginning of this and it feels like everything is too real and raw and unreal all at the same time. 

I know that more than anything, the only support and help you really want right now is the support and love of your husband, and this reply won't give you that. I hope at least you feel heard and this brings you some comfort. You are loved, and that will never leave you. 

My heart goes out to you i lost my dad day before fathers day its a horrible disease aml 

Thank you, David. I'm so sorry to hear you've lost your dad. I hope you are able to talk about your father as often as you want to, and remembering him helps you . More good men need their stories told. I'm sure he's shaped the person you are.