Shalia,

Your story is so similar to mine,I could not help but post.  I lost my husband of 30 years to small cell cancer in August.  He almost fainted on July 31st, went into the hospital, was diagnosed the following week.  He also was complaining of back pain and thought he had sprained his back at the gym. The pain became severe mid-July but urgent care treated it as if he had a sprain. He came home with pain pills, but then got dehydrated which later causing the fainting.   Supposedly the cancer causes the dehyration which led to me calling emergency services when he fell in the bathroom.

When he was diagnosed, they said he had 3 months.  I brought him home for hospice on August 9th and he died a week lated on August 16th.  I thought I would have more time with him to tell him how much I loved him and more.  After he came home, I think he gave up and once he had morphine, he could no longer respond.  I feel guilt that I didn't say more sooner.  I took care of his body but realize I didn't do enough, or I can't remember, whether I comforted his spirit, and this is killing me.  

I am 66 and my husband was 78.

My coping is prayer, crying and support through grief groups.  The groups help because you can hear from other people experiencing the same thing.  We are not alone.  God has been good on those days when I can barely stand it, my chest hurts, and He helps me through that time.

I know that he did not want to have pain, and had a low tolerance for it, so I'm comforted that this was taken care of.  I am just angry at myself for not remembering what I said or my belief that I didn't say enough.   It was devastating as you well know.

I am sorry that you also have young children who are taking this journey with you, but one thing they will know is that once in a lifetime love you and I experienced with our husbands.

I pray you find strength and peace through this.

All these stories are mine also. My dear husband complained last year of hip aches, back aches, headaches. He was retired and not real active so we chalked it up to old age. lJust before Christmas 2017, he went in to the doctor for the flu and told he most likely had lung cancer. He thought ok, caught early and they scheduled testing. Three weeks later and only two days after being told that indeed it was full fledged stage four lung cancer, he was gone. Tha last dayhe couldn't get comfortable, his heart felt like knives jabbing. He tipped over after coming out of the bathroom and I had to call 911. January 14, 2018 he died. I was so mad at him for some things he had done, I watched him suffer those few short weeks and swear I was watching him die. I suffer survivors quilt and extreme loneliness trying to understand and cope. It was our second marriage for each and we were so in love for twenty five years and were truely soulmates. He gave me the best years and a wonderful life. I was just going to retire with him to enjoy our cabin after years of hard work getting it done. Now it's hard to enjoy any thing at all and have so much guilt for not telling him how much he has meant to me those last days. He seemed in denial, didn't want to talk much, was so miserable so I left him alone to rest and now this guilt is killing me. My married  daughters from a previous marriage loved him like a father and can help me just so much as they have their lives and families. I feel I bring them down so much when I cry but I just can't seem to break out of this depression setting in. I went to my first Hospice support group and just cried. I plan to go back as they all have been where I am now. It's just so devistating to be alone when life was just perfect and the future was bright. Not only did I lose my best friend, my husband, I also lost my will to live. We all die, but we assume it will not be until a long retirement and sickness takes others, not us. Not being of a religious background, are we simply a lottery in the cycle of life and death?  You would think that by now, all the money thrown at cancer research, we would no longer just find out that we have it and poof-gone! The medical field has really failed this!!!!

thank you for your kind words, today makes eight months since my husband passed away, I have not posted in a long while been dealing with some things, that only make me miss him even more, because we always worked through things together, now I have to get used to doing it on my own, some days are so hard for me, but I am maintainig for me and my kids, blessings to you and thank you for your words of encouragement

Hi, I'm Gemma,

 I lost my husband to Pancreatic cancer 5 years ago.

We had been together 45 years. I met him when I 

was fifteen years old and we got married 4 years later.

He was diagnosed on June 17th 2016 and died August 17th 2016. I'm happy that I was able to take care of him at home. We had one son and I'm very fortunate to have two beautiful grandchildren, which my husband had already known. He was the love ️ of my life. I miss him desperately. But I'm confident he will be waiting for me when my time comes. 
I so identify with other people who have been through a similar situation . 
I'm very in touch with the after life, we talked about it before my husband passed, and I know he's not in any pain.... he's in a very happy place... He has let me know

Gemma, it is so good to hear you are in touch with the afte life.

We love with our full hearts. That love between us does not suddenly go, from our partners side and our side. It remains and carries on, that's how I feel, just across the thin veil in a dimension we cannot see but exists, like WiFi.

My hope is we get comfort from our loved ones as they see us and know how much we love them. Thank you for sharing. If you wanted to share your experience of connecting with the after life, I would so love to hear. 

much kindness and comfort from 

Fellow spirtial soul