Your post really touched a nerve within me and I so wish I could find the right words to bring you some comfort. Life changes overnight when you lose your special other half but it takes so much longer to grieve and perhaps process all the feelings that we have.
I know you say I am getting on with my life but it is not the same one I had before hubby's diagnosis/death nor can it ever be and that is sad. I do miss his nearness and though he was never much of a talker of course being on our own takes away so much companionship and I was surprised how vulnerable I felt in certain situations. It has taken nearly two years to be where I am now and the help of many around me.
I could not and still do not suppress the feelings I have from the children because they are perfectly normal emotions and they would be worried about me in any event. My daughter especially picks up on my moods and it works in reverse too. Hubby is a natural part of our chats when we see each other but it is not our only conversation which I find really helpful. I also had pretty regular chats with hubby's GP at her suggestion throughout the first year of bereavement which were invaluable as she explained how natural the feelings I had were and guided me through. It could be that you would benefit from having just one friend, family member or the Gp to completely offload to as bottling up and dealing with your feelings alone is so very very hard. I lost count how often I rambled on the forum to the virtual friends who did and still are there for me and now I seem to be doing it still!!
I am sorry that your hospital appointment seems to have thrown up more questions than answers and hope that your GP can shed some light on what and when happens next. I still take someone with me when I attend any appointments of a serious nature as a bit of a nervous wreck in such situations. Hopefully they will be able to help with your ongoing treatmrnt/medication required. Hope too that you talk about it with your kids as am sure they would not want you to be coping alone with all this. Mine get pretty cross if they find out I am hiding stuff from them even though I feel I should be the one protecting them. They often remind me that they may be my 'children' but they are also 'adults'. I know they have a point!
Sorry this has been such a long post and if, at ant time, you want to chat please do if it helps at all. Several of my forum friends prefer to chat via private messaging as well as on forum so if you fancy that just ask the moderators and they can put it in place for you.
I went out for the day yesterday, took my camera for company and enjoyed walking around the London Wetland Centre so have something to chat to my Mum about in a couple of hours. She has been I low mood and listens rather than talks so I need conversation for two!
Take care my friend and sending virtual hugs. Jules.
Hi Jules , its nice of you to say all those nice things every thing you say is true it is a journey we all have to face one way or another, and we all have to come to terms with differant things in life . there is a bereavement service i can ring if i dont feel any better i will give them a ring. i should let the kids know how i feel , but sometimes i feel as if im being a burdon even though they would go mad if thats what i thought. i am going to my friends tomorrow night there are 5 of us going we all used to work together so it will be nice to catch up with things . the weather is quite nice at the moment not taken george out this week he has gone away with his owners in a caravan in Wales, maybe thats why im a bit down stuck in most of the week not much fresh air. regards Syl have a nice week end x
Just wanted to send you virtual hugs today. Whilst I know you think about Sam every day, today will come with poignant memories and I am keeping you in my thoughts. Be kind to yourself. Jules xx
Hope you had a good evening meeting up with friends. It is lovely to have a chatty session rather than spending time alone. I must admit I would go stir crazy if I did not go out for a few hours every day and am not looking forward to the clocks going back tonight as I have been going for short walks after my dinner to help with my fitness. I will see how I feel doing them in the dark as they are only around my local streets but would be nice if I had someone to walk with I suppose.
Spent an hour or two yesterday tidying, cleaning and filling the bird feeding stations and having been to the London Wetland Centre in the week I treated myself to a window feeder which I have now attached to my patio doors. I thought it would take ages for feathered visitors to try it out but already the robin and blue *** have popped on it. It comes with a 'roof' so the larger birds do not get a chance to land.
I spent a few hours with my daughter and grandsons yesterday and as it was the last day of half term for the eldest one, we treated ourselves to a lovely lunch at the local Harvester as well as taking them to the park and hunting for pine cones (plenty to be had) so they can make decorations/table centre piece.
Once my mail is answered I plan on going shopping (not exactly exciting but necessary!) and need to stock up on soft drinks, wine and nibbles as having a Body Shop at home party on Wednesday. Think I will treat myself to a colourful plant to brighten up indoors as my orchids are now starting to fade and the weather is pretty drab though mild today.
I really doubt that your could ever be a burden in the eyes of your children so hope you can share your thoughts with them though the bereavement number is a handy standby to have. Take care. Jules xx
Good to see your post and know how much mutual understanding there is amongst us all. Even though time passes and we all have memories, it is not the same any more. As you have said it is just a case of getting on with it and out of respect for my hubby's memory I am trying hard to do so. I am sure the new puppy is giving you lots of extra walks. What did you call it? No doubt the grandchildren have an extra reason to visit you now and love those autumnal walks together. Take care and sending you virtual hugs as you also approach another 'anniversary'. Jules xx
Glad the puppy is bringing joy and companionship and no doubt lots of exercise. Maggie is a lovely name and they are such a friendky breed. Hubbys family had one when we first met and we took it for some lovely walks.
I am managing quite well though still miss hubby and suppose always will; only natural. Keeping busy seems to be the answer but a little harder in the winter months. Still with good family, friends and my forum buddies still holding it together and know life us precious. Onwards and upwards. Hugs returned abd be kind to yourself. Jules
Chris, thank you so much for your kind words and thoughtfulness remembering Sam's anniversary. It was an emotional day spent with family and friends it was nice to hear people talk about Sam. I will be thinking of you next Sunday. I would quite like a dog but nobody to look after it whilst I'm at work they are such good company. Sending love to you take care Debbie xxxxx
Jules, thank you so much for caring and remembering, so very kind of you. I went to the cemetery with family and friends and then went for a coffee and we all shared memories of Sam, it was emotional but lovely to talk about him. I miss him so very much as I know you too miss your hubby I wish things could have been different for all of us. although the future still looks bleak I will try to move forward and make Sam proud. love and thanks Debbie xxxxx
Hi jules, I had a nice night with my friends i wòrked with them for over 20 years its nice to catch up with them, we met up in one of the houses we had nibbles and a glass of wine we also talked about wills , funerals , and where we wont to be buried ,and where we met our hubbys 3 of us are widows. but it was all done light hearted and with a laugh i didnt get home till 11 o clock. have seen the wetlands on TV they look really good,im assuming you live not far from there , my Brother in law lives in Wokingham. George is back from his holiday he enjoyed running on the beach and going in the sea, i can start taking him out again now went to my daughters for dinner sunday it was lovely she dosnt take after me for cooking my mother in law was a good cook must take after her. speak to you soon regards Syl x
Hi Debbie, not heard off you im a while i saw what you posted to Jules and Chris , im glad everything went well at sams memorial its nice to remember and talk about the ones we love.its the first xmas without my hubby its going to be hard for me and the kids ,i think we are going to my sons for xmas it will be just a quite dinner for the three of us im not sure if my Daughters partner will be with us.hope to hear off you take care Syl x
