Syliva, I am so very sorry for your loss, I know how it feels, my husband passed away in October and I miss him so much, I too wish they could let us know they are ok.  There are lots of people on here going through the same terrible time who will offer support.  Sending love to you Debbie xxxxxx

Hi Debbie, how are you?  hope your ok , not been to good these last couple of days you seem to be ok ,then you seem to  take  steps back again. Went to a memorial service at the crem where my husbands service was every one that was there has lost a loved one in the last 12 month, it was very moving and sad at the same time . take care Syl x

Hi Jules, glad you had a nice time at your grandsons birthday party they must keep you young and active, glad your still going for your walks  even though the nighst are drawing in .have felt quite sad today went into town this morning just to get out of the house for a couple of hours, have cried most of the afternoon  but it dosnt change any thing i dread the dark nights its some thing that i have got to get used to  hope i feel better about things tomorrow regards Syl x

Hi Syl,

It's just very tiring when we feel this way isn't it.  Sadly no magic remedy for grieving but the tears do bring some relief.

I have been spending a few hours each day editing my photos that are stored on my current laptop which is not working too well and hoping to replace it soon. Hubby bought it for me after he was diagnosed so the time line for all the pictures matches his cancer journey. Has been a labour of love to keep the memories safe and so far have transferred over 1000  assorted pictures of family events which are now stored on a memory card. The eldest grandson loves looking back through them from time to time.

Hope you are being kind to yourself. It is not an easy time but the forum gives us somewhere to offload without upsetting the family who are also grieving.  Take care. Jules 

Hi Jules, still feel quite sad  been to my sisters for a few hours , she has just got a dog from cheshire dogs home a Jack Russell its very nice, i would love a  dog  to keep me company but my cat dosnt like dogs. Hopefully going out for dinner with the kids on sunday, not sure where  were going yet, not doing much tomorrow or saturday only a bit of shopping ,might take my selfoff to the garden centre  saturday just to get out of the house for a bit,not heard off Debbie in a while hope she is ok .have a nice week end  regards Syl x

Hi Syl

Think it's only natural that we feel times of deep sadness but it is good that you were able to spend some time with your sister and bet the dog was fun to be around. I have never had dogs but son has a westie which is a lovely to see when we get together.

Now some more time has passed since hubby's death  I  think a new pattern of my life is emerging. It is definitely not what I  would have chosen but then life always has a way of throwing uncertainty at you. It's  nearly 21 months since our lives changed and me, my children and grandchildren are having to get on with things. I  do not want them worrying about me and so have been encouraging them to enjoy the life we now have and taken a step back to how we used to stay in touch rather than seeing them so frequently. It's hard for them too as they  are of course devastated to lose their Dad and we all miss him and always will but it is important for them to get on with enjoying their own family life, just as we did for so many good years. Time has helped me adjust to spending time alone but I  no longer feel as lonely as I  have a certain structure to my days and no longer feel I must keep my mind occupied as I allow myself to recall the good times and feel blessed to have both understanding from those around me day to day and the forum  for support. It is not always that easy but manageable.

I am sure Debbie is coping in her own way as we all try and do. She has some time booked off as her husband 's anniversary of passing approaches and I  am keeping her in my thoughts and send you both virtual hugs as we travel forward. Take care Jules 

Hi Jules, dont feel much better im afraid  been to the hospital  today  they think i have got scaring on my lungs  due to my many years of smoking  have got  to go for more tests when ever that is . Its nice your geting on with life , went to the garden centre on saturday  full of xmas things  every one looked so happy i felt so sad walking round on my own .went for Sunday dinner with the kids  it was very nice  ,i to dont tell  them how i feel  as they  have to get on with life and i dont wont to worry them. Dont know wether i can be on my own  night after night   i think that is whats  causing   all my tears at the moment  its so lonely with no one to talk to .take care Syl x

Hi Syl

Your post really touched a nerve within me and I  so wish I  could find the right words to bring you some comfort. Life changes overnight when you lose your special other half but it takes so much longer to grieve and perhaps process all the feelings that we have. 

I know you say I am getting on with my life but it is not the same one I had before hubby's diagnosis/death nor can it ever be and that is sad. I  do miss his nearness and though he was never much of a talker of course being on our own takes away so much companionship and I  was surprised how vulnerable I felt in certain situations. It  has taken nearly two years to be where I  am now and the help of many around me.

I could not and still do not suppress the feelings I have from the children because they are perfectly normal emotions and they would be worried about me in any event. My daughter especially picks up on my moods and it works in reverse too. Hubby is a natural part of our chats when we see each other but it is not our only conversation which I  find really helpful. I also had pretty regular chats with hubby's  GP at her suggestion throughout the first year of bereavement which were  invaluable as she explained how natural the feelings I  had were and guided me through. It could be that you would benefit from having just one friend, family member or the Gp to completely offload to as bottling up and dealing with your feelings alone is so very very hard. I lost count how often I  rambled on the forum to the virtual friends who did and still are there for me and now I seem to be doing it still!!

I am sorry that your hospital appointment seems to have thrown up more questions than answers and hope that  your GP can shed some light on what and when happens next. I still take someone with me when I  attend any appointments of a serious nature as a bit of a nervous wreck in such situations. Hopefully they will  be able to help with your ongoing treatmrnt/medication required. Hope too that you talk about it with your kids as am sure they would not want you to be coping alone with all this. Mine get pretty cross if they find out I am hiding stuff from them even though I  feel I should be the one protecting them. They often remind me that they may be my 'children' but they are also 'adults'. I  know they have a point!

Sorry this has been such a long post and if, at ant time, you want to chat please do if it helps at all.  Several of my forum friends prefer to chat via private messaging as well as on forum so if you fancy that just ask the moderators and they can put it in place for you.

I  went out for the day yesterday, took my camera for company and enjoyed walking around the London Wetland Centre so have something to chat to my Mum about in a couple of hours. She has been I  low mood and listens rather than talks so I  need conversation for two! 

Take care my friend and sending virtual hugs. Jules.

Hi Jules , its nice of you to say all those nice things every thing you say is true it is a journey we all have to face one way or another, and we all have to come  to terms with differant things in life . there is a bereavement service i can ring if i dont feel  any better i will give them a ring. i should let the kids know how i feel , but sometimes i feel as if im being a burdon even though they would go mad if thats what i thought. i am going to my friends tomorrow night there are 5 of us going we all used to work together so it will be nice to catch up with things . the weather is quite nice at the moment not taken george out this week he has gone away with his owners in a caravan in Wales, maybe thats why im a bit down stuck in most of the week  not much fresh air.  regards Syl  have a nice week end x

Hi Debbie

Just wanted to send you virtual hugs today.  Whilst I know you think about Sam every day, today will come with poignant memories and I am keeping you in my thoughts. Be kind to yourself. Jules xx

Hi Syl,

Hope you had a good evening meeting up with friends.  It is lovely to have a chatty session rather than spending time alone. I must admit I would go stir crazy if I did not go out for a few hours every day and am not looking forward to the clocks going back tonight as I have been going for short walks after my dinner to help with my fitness.  I will see how I feel doing them in the dark as they are only around my local streets but would be nice if I had someone to walk with I suppose.

Spent an hour or two yesterday tidying, cleaning and filling the bird feeding stations and having been to the London Wetland Centre in the week I treated myself to a window feeder which I have now attached to my patio doors.  I thought it would take ages for feathered visitors to try it out but already the robin and blue *** have popped on it.  It comes with a 'roof' so the larger birds do not get a chance to land.

I spent a few hours with my daughter and grandsons yesterday and as it was the last day of half term for the eldest one, we treated ourselves to a lovely lunch at the local Harvester as well as taking them to the park and hunting for pine cones (plenty to be had) so they can make decorations/table centre piece.

Once my mail is answered I plan on going shopping (not exactly exciting but necessary!) and need to stock up on soft drinks, wine and nibbles as having a Body Shop at home party on Wednesday. Think I will treat myself to a colourful plant to brighten up indoors as my orchids are now starting to fade and the weather is pretty drab though mild today.

I really doubt that your could ever be a burden in the eyes of your children so hope you can share your thoughts with them though the bereavement number is a handy standby to have. Take care. Jules xx

Jules, thank you so much for caring and remembering, so very kind of you. I went to the cemetery with family and friends and then went for a coffee and we all shared memories of Sam, it was emotional but lovely to talk about him.  I miss him so very much as I know you too miss your hubby I wish things could have been different for all of us. although the future still looks bleak I will try to move forward and make Sam proud.  love and thanks Debbie xxxxx 

Jules, thank you so much for caring and remembering, so very kind of you. I went to the cemetery with family and friends and then went for a coffee and we all shared memories of Sam, it was emotional but lovely to talk about him.  I miss him so very much as I know you too miss your hubby I wish things could have been different for all of us. although the future still looks bleak I will try to move forward and make Sam proud.  love and thanks Debbie xxxxx