Syliva, I am so very sorry for your loss, I know how it feels, my husband passed away in October and I miss him so much, I too wish they could let us know they are ok.  There are lots of people on here going through the same terrible time who will offer support.  Sending love to you Debbie xxxxxx

Hi Debbie, how are you?  hope your ok , not been to good these last couple of days you seem to be ok ,then you seem to  take  steps back again. Went to a memorial service at the crem where my husbands service was every one that was there has lost a loved one in the last 12 month, it was very moving and sad at the same time . take care Syl x

Hi Debbie, 

Have to agree that keeping busy has been my  most effective coping mechanism and as I only work 10+ hrs per week, there is much time to fill. Over the  past  21 months I have slowly rebuilt my routine to suit me. Having hubby's illness deteriorating over nearly three years means that life now is so completely different and at times still feel guilty that I can enjoy stuff like going out socially and pleasing myself. Of course I know hubby wanted me to get on with things but the emptiness that widowhood brings does interfere with life on occasion. I am so grateful for support of those around me and slowly building up confidence to do things on my own has been a bit of a personal challenge as obviously before hubby's death decisions were discussed jointly and now it's down to what I want though I still find myself wondering what  he would have said; only natural I suppose.

This coming Saturday is my grandsons 3rd birthday  so will be popping round for a couple of hours to join the fun along with his other nanny. No plans for Sunday yet but will be out walking if the weather is ok. Still pottering in the garden on dry days and thankfully able to mow the lawn again yesterday so looking ok so far. Also have a weekend coming up when I will be feeding daughter's cat for 4 days as they go away for a few days during the half term hols. I am also going to friends 30th anniversary party in a couple of weeks. It will be lovely catching up with them as the moved to Sussex earlier this year and have not seen them for a while. 

You say you booked some time off to cover the upcoming anniversary of Sam's passing and if it feels right then it probably is. I was not at work on the anniversary at the beginning of this year and just wanted to be alone with my thoughts  which the children  understood .  In the end i spent a little time at his resting place and found solace in the peacefulness. It is such a personal journey that we all take but I still find being on the forum is helping.

Sending hugs, take care. Jules  xx

Hi Jules, glad your ok you sound as busy as ever  some times i wish i was that busy it passes the time and  stops you from thinking  about things. Swimming aerobics has stopped now for a few week  as my instructor is on holiday, then the kids are off school the week after.the kids did the walk for the brain tumour charity they raised over  100 pound each  the weather was good  as well so they enjoyed the  6 mile walk. if the weather is ok hope to do my garden at week end  might have to borrow my  neighbours lawn mower as mine isnt cutting proper, i am still feeding  the hedgehog that comes in to my garden, if the weather stays mild they wont  hibernate  till november  or till the weather gets cold ,im not doing much over the week end  might go into town saturday,hope to go out for sunday dinner with the kids but im not sure yet. Have a nice week end  regards Syl x

Hi debbie, glad your ok at the moment  glad you booked the week off work will give you time  to relax  and spend time with your nieces ,me and hubby used to go to Blackpool a couple of times a year to watch a show stay over in one of the many hotels we did enjoy it even though it is tacky it is one of the many things i miss  going to the sea side .im sure  you will pick the right word for sams memorial all i put in the book of remembrance book for hubby was gone fishing it fitted him to a t  and me and the kids  had a smile  when we thought of it .hope you have a good week end . take care Syl x

Hi Syl,

I am slowly learning to pace my various activities so I have something to do each day but not exactly a fixed routine so that I can vary it as and when other things crop up. I am not keen on the darker early evenings but still go out for a walk if I can as it breaks up the day rather than sitting in front of  the TV or over thinking things. Still missing hubby of course  especially at family occasions like my grandsons 3rd birthday party yesterday but am sure we were being watched over and making new memories with my family is important to us all.

Had new bedroom blind fitted yesterday and it looks  so much better than the old curtains. Despite the early downpour today went to the gym for my social fix and then did the weekly shop. Will bake a cake later as have a friend coming for coffee on Tuesday. She has been following slimming world so must look up  online,a recipe that she will be able to have. I have a personal target, albeit small, to lose before my son's wedding but my willpower  is harder in the evenings ha ha. 

Hope you are enjoying a peaceful weekend.  Take care 

Jules 

Hi Jules, glad you had a nice time at your grandsons birthday party they must keep you young and active, glad your still going for your walks  even though the nighst are drawing in .have felt quite sad today went into town this morning just to get out of the house for a couple of hours, have cried most of the afternoon  but it dosnt change any thing i dread the dark nights its some thing that i have got to get used to  hope i feel better about things tomorrow regards Syl x

Hi Syl,

It's just very tiring when we feel this way isn't it.  Sadly no magic remedy for grieving but the tears do bring some relief.

I have been spending a few hours each day editing my photos that are stored on my current laptop which is not working too well and hoping to replace it soon. Hubby bought it for me after he was diagnosed so the time line for all the pictures matches his cancer journey. Has been a labour of love to keep the memories safe and so far have transferred over 1000  assorted pictures of family events which are now stored on a memory card. The eldest grandson loves looking back through them from time to time.

Hope you are being kind to yourself. It is not an easy time but the forum gives us somewhere to offload without upsetting the family who are also grieving.  Take care. Jules 

Hi Jules, still feel quite sad  been to my sisters for a few hours , she has just got a dog from cheshire dogs home a Jack Russell its very nice, i would love a  dog  to keep me company but my cat dosnt like dogs. Hopefully going out for dinner with the kids on sunday, not sure where  were going yet, not doing much tomorrow or saturday only a bit of shopping ,might take my selfoff to the garden centre  saturday just to get out of the house for a bit,not heard off Debbie in a while hope she is ok .have a nice week end  regards Syl x

Hi Syl

Think it's only natural that we feel times of deep sadness but it is good that you were able to spend some time with your sister and bet the dog was fun to be around. I have never had dogs but son has a westie which is a lovely to see when we get together.

Now some more time has passed since hubby's death  I  think a new pattern of my life is emerging. It is definitely not what I  would have chosen but then life always has a way of throwing uncertainty at you. It's  nearly 21 months since our lives changed and me, my children and grandchildren are having to get on with things. I  do not want them worrying about me and so have been encouraging them to enjoy the life we now have and taken a step back to how we used to stay in touch rather than seeing them so frequently. It's hard for them too as they  are of course devastated to lose their Dad and we all miss him and always will but it is important for them to get on with enjoying their own family life, just as we did for so many good years. Time has helped me adjust to spending time alone but I  no longer feel as lonely as I  have a certain structure to my days and no longer feel I must keep my mind occupied as I allow myself to recall the good times and feel blessed to have both understanding from those around me day to day and the forum  for support. It is not always that easy but manageable.

I am sure Debbie is coping in her own way as we all try and do. She has some time booked off as her husband 's anniversary of passing approaches and I  am keeping her in my thoughts and send you both virtual hugs as we travel forward. Take care Jules 

Hi Jules, dont feel much better im afraid  been to the hospital  today  they think i have got scaring on my lungs  due to my many years of smoking  have got  to go for more tests when ever that is . Its nice your geting on with life , went to the garden centre on saturday  full of xmas things  every one looked so happy i felt so sad walking round on my own .went for Sunday dinner with the kids  it was very nice  ,i to dont tell  them how i feel  as they  have to get on with life and i dont wont to worry them. Dont know wether i can be on my own  night after night   i think that is whats  causing   all my tears at the moment  its so lonely with no one to talk to .take care Syl x

Hi Syl

Your post really touched a nerve within me and I  so wish I  could find the right words to bring you some comfort. Life changes overnight when you lose your special other half but it takes so much longer to grieve and perhaps process all the feelings that we have. 

I know you say I am getting on with my life but it is not the same one I had before hubby's diagnosis/death nor can it ever be and that is sad. I  do miss his nearness and though he was never much of a talker of course being on our own takes away so much companionship and I  was surprised how vulnerable I felt in certain situations. It  has taken nearly two years to be where I  am now and the help of many around me.

I could not and still do not suppress the feelings I have from the children because they are perfectly normal emotions and they would be worried about me in any event. My daughter especially picks up on my moods and it works in reverse too. Hubby is a natural part of our chats when we see each other but it is not our only conversation which I  find really helpful. I also had pretty regular chats with hubby's  GP at her suggestion throughout the first year of bereavement which were  invaluable as she explained how natural the feelings I  had were and guided me through. It could be that you would benefit from having just one friend, family member or the Gp to completely offload to as bottling up and dealing with your feelings alone is so very very hard. I lost count how often I  rambled on the forum to the virtual friends who did and still are there for me and now I seem to be doing it still!!

I am sorry that your hospital appointment seems to have thrown up more questions than answers and hope that  your GP can shed some light on what and when happens next. I still take someone with me when I  attend any appointments of a serious nature as a bit of a nervous wreck in such situations. Hopefully they will  be able to help with your ongoing treatmrnt/medication required. Hope too that you talk about it with your kids as am sure they would not want you to be coping alone with all this. Mine get pretty cross if they find out I am hiding stuff from them even though I  feel I should be the one protecting them. They often remind me that they may be my 'children' but they are also 'adults'. I  know they have a point!

Sorry this has been such a long post and if, at ant time, you want to chat please do if it helps at all.  Several of my forum friends prefer to chat via private messaging as well as on forum so if you fancy that just ask the moderators and they can put it in place for you.

I  went out for the day yesterday, took my camera for company and enjoyed walking around the London Wetland Centre so have something to chat to my Mum about in a couple of hours. She has been I  low mood and listens rather than talks so I  need conversation for two! 

Take care my friend and sending virtual hugs. Jules.

Hi Syl

Your post really touched a nerve within me and I  so wish I  could find the right words to bring you some comfort. Life changes overnight when you lose your special other half but it takes so much longer to grieve and perhaps process all the feelings that we have. 

I know you say I am getting on with my life but it is not the same one I had before hubby's diagnosis/death nor can it ever be and that is sad. I  do miss his nearness and though he was never much of a talker of course being on our own takes away so much companionship and I  was surprised how vulnerable I felt in certain situations. It  has taken nearly two years to be where I  am now and the help of many around me.

I could not and still do not suppress the feelings I have from the children because they are perfectly normal emotions and they would be worried about me in any event. My daughter especially picks up on my moods and it works in reverse too. Hubby is a natural part of our chats when we see each other but it is not our only conversation which I  find really helpful. I also had pretty regular chats with hubby's  GP at her suggestion throughout the first year of bereavement which were  invaluable as she explained how natural the feelings I  had were and guided me through. It could be that you would benefit from having just one friend, family member or the Gp to completely offload to as bottling up and dealing with your feelings alone is so very very hard. I lost count how often I  rambled on the forum to the virtual friends who did and still are there for me and now I seem to be doing it still!!

I am sorry that your hospital appointment seems to have thrown up more questions than answers and hope that  your GP can shed some light on what and when happens next. I still take someone with me when I  attend any appointments of a serious nature as a bit of a nervous wreck in such situations. Hopefully they will  be able to help with your ongoing treatmrnt/medication required. Hope too that you talk about it with your kids as am sure they would not want you to be coping alone with all this. Mine get pretty cross if they find out I am hiding stuff from them even though I  feel I should be the one protecting them. They often remind me that they may be my 'children' but they are also 'adults'. I  know they have a point!

Sorry this has been such a long post and if, at ant time, you want to chat please do if it helps at all.  Several of my forum friends prefer to chat via private messaging as well as on forum so if you fancy that just ask the moderators and they can put it in place for you.

I  went out for the day yesterday, took my camera for company and enjoyed walking around the London Wetland Centre so have something to chat to my Mum about in a couple of hours. She has been I  low mood and listens rather than talks so I  need conversation for two! 

Take care my friend and sending virtual hugs. Jules.

Hi Jules , its nice of you to say all those nice things every thing you say is true it is a journey we all have to face one way or another, and we all have to come  to terms with differant things in life . there is a bereavement service i can ring if i dont feel  any better i will give them a ring. i should let the kids know how i feel , but sometimes i feel as if im being a burdon even though they would go mad if thats what i thought. i am going to my friends tomorrow night there are 5 of us going we all used to work together so it will be nice to catch up with things . the weather is quite nice at the moment not taken george out this week he has gone away with his owners in a caravan in Wales, maybe thats why im a bit down stuck in most of the week  not much fresh air.  regards Syl  have a nice week end x

Hi Syl,

Hope you had a good evening meeting up with friends.  It is lovely to have a chatty session rather than spending time alone. I must admit I would go stir crazy if I did not go out for a few hours every day and am not looking forward to the clocks going back tonight as I have been going for short walks after my dinner to help with my fitness.  I will see how I feel doing them in the dark as they are only around my local streets but would be nice if I had someone to walk with I suppose.

Spent an hour or two yesterday tidying, cleaning and filling the bird feeding stations and having been to the London Wetland Centre in the week I treated myself to a window feeder which I have now attached to my patio doors.  I thought it would take ages for feathered visitors to try it out but already the robin and blue *** have popped on it.  It comes with a 'roof' so the larger birds do not get a chance to land.

I spent a few hours with my daughter and grandsons yesterday and as it was the last day of half term for the eldest one, we treated ourselves to a lovely lunch at the local Harvester as well as taking them to the park and hunting for pine cones (plenty to be had) so they can make decorations/table centre piece.

Once my mail is answered I plan on going shopping (not exactly exciting but necessary!) and need to stock up on soft drinks, wine and nibbles as having a Body Shop at home party on Wednesday. Think I will treat myself to a colourful plant to brighten up indoors as my orchids are now starting to fade and the weather is pretty drab though mild today.

I really doubt that your could ever be a burden in the eyes of your children so hope you can share your thoughts with them though the bereavement number is a handy standby to have. Take care. Jules xx

Hi jules, I had a nice night with my friends  i wòrked with them for over 20 years its nice to catch up  with them,  we met up in one of the houses we had nibbles and a glass of wine we also talked about  wills , funerals , and  where we  wont to be buried ,and where we met our hubbys  3 of us are widows. but it was all done  light hearted and  with a laugh i didnt get home till 11 o clock. have seen the wetlands on TV they look really good,im assuming you live not far from there , my Brother in law  lives in Wokingham. George is back from his holiday he enjoyed running on the beach and going in the sea, i can start taking him out again now   went  to my daughters for dinner sunday  it was lovely  she dosnt take after me for cooking my mother  in  law  was a good cook must take after her. speak to you soon regards Syl x

Hi Syl

I do enjoy catching up with friends especially now the evenings are drawing in so early.  My two work shifts were extremely busy this week and the Christmas shoppers out in force . I went to a Halloween craft market on Monday night, held a Body shop party at home on Wednesday and then helped my daughter at the mum and toddler group's  Christmas shopping fundraiser  last night. Today just popped to the gym and then did housework before finally putting the fire on for a coffee break. Am seeing friends on Sunday but will  go walking tomorrow once the food shop is done.

Hope you have a pleasant weekend. No doubt more fireworks to listen to. Been quite a few already around here but I do not plan going to the local display this year. My hubby used to love these nights but I am not the greatest fan. Take care. Jules

Hi Jules,how did your party go there are some lovely things in the Body Shop but they are dear ,i go in  some times  , im not to bothered about xmas this year  having a quite dinner at my sons just the three of us ny health not to good at the moment having a CT scan Friday im quite worried as my hubby had lung cancer and my symptoms are the same  as his was  also in hospital wednesday to have fluid drained from my ear my hubby was a  lovely opptomist im just the opposite sorry to dump my woes on you have a nice week end  im out with my sister for a few hours tomorrow take care Syl x

Hi Syl

So sorry to read of your continuing health problems which I can understand must be very distressing for you and the waiting for appointments/scans and results is such an anxious period. Never any need to apologise for sharing your feelings.  This forum provides a safe haven for so many and I still use my own thread to offload on those dark days that I feel the need for extra support.  Sometimes it just feels easier to speak freely here rather than worry your nearest and dearest. Of course, when our hubbys were with us there was mutual support close by and I have to admit to feeling more vulnerable at certain times.  Doubt that will  change easily but being able to chat on forum has helped.

My Body Shop evening was a very pleasant social occasion.  No pressure (my daughter is the consultant!!) and lots of lovely offers on the night which meant my family/friends nearly all got 30% discount so handy both for personal buys and gifts for Christmas.

The following evening I went to a Christmas Shopping Night held to raise funds for Mother and Toddler Club (which my daughter helps organise).  Was like a market with craft stalls and local 'at home' businesses.  Helped set up from 6-8 and then doors were open and we had steady flow for a couple of hours before it  ended at 10 pm.  After clearing up the hall my daughter dropped me home.  Needless to say I managed to buy a few more gifts which was very handy indeed.

Hope you enjoy the time with your sister.  I have my son, partner and little grand-daughter coming for lunch today  after they have taken her swimming and will be nice to have company.  I popped to the gym first thing so enjoyed the sunshine after yesterday's awful day.

Take care, Jules

Hi Jules, sounds as if your geting into the xmas spirit  and buying  up the body shop for  your family and friends. me and the kids arnt bothering with xmas this year ,just a quite dinner at my sons. i have had my scan  at my local hospital got to wait now for the results , also had a gromet fitted in my right ear, they drained it as it was full of fluid it was surpposed to help with my tinatus, it dosnt seem to have worked at the moment . we have had a lot of rain just lately so havnt took george out much this week,going to the friendship group Monday sometimes i have to force my self to do things feel sad at losing hubby and health worrying me gets to much some times,as i said before  im a pessimist so that dosnt help ,i try to be positive but the feeling dosnt last long take care Syl x

Hi Syl

I too am really missing hubby with both Christmas and 2nd anniversary of his death looming.  He absolutely loved this time of year and being with family (even had a bright green shirt and was christened Mr Holly by our kids when small - it stuck!). Being with family and future inlaws for the day it will be busy and our kids and grandchildren  give my life a reason to be blessed still.  I know hubby will be there in spirit as we all remember him and as it is Darcey's first Christmas that brings joy and for them all it is important to make happy memories.  My grandson who will be 8 at the end of the month often talks of his grand dad  as we all do and I have no doubt that there will be tears at some point during the festivities but no shame in that. I will also go down and see myMum though she has never liked Christmas but used to make an effort when my Dad was alive as he loved it (they were definitely chalk and cheese).

The body shop goodies were mainly for myself (love their bath stuff) though a couple of bits will make up the token gifts we exchange with friends/family.   Managed to get a couple of DVDs that my eldest grandson wants so another tick of the list yesterday. Christmas day will be mainly spent chatting round the meal able and then taking the dog and children for a walk before coming back home.  Will be on my own until lunch time which will give me quiet time for reflection.  Daughter and family staying overnight and will be with me Boxing Day and it is usual for friends to pop in for a cuppa if they are passing. As my son and family will pop over to see the future inlaws they also said they will call in for a bit which will be lovely.  With more space in my through lounge I had no doubt the little ones will be busing making dens(the favourite pasttime for the two boys at the moment (not to self to keep the playstuff handy for building as it keeps them occupied quite well).

Hope you do not have to wait to long worrying for your results.  It is certainly not easy having to face things alone is it? I do feel anxious when such things are approaching and always glad to get them over.  Do hope they can get to the bottom of your health worries.  My Mum also had grommits fitted for tinnitus and it took a few weeks before she noticed a small difference though she was told there was no complete cure and was advised to use other noise to help block it.  She finds it very unpleasant especially as she is now has poor hearing as this seems to make the condition more irritating and no longer uses her music headphones.

Very wet and windy here this morning but am going out in around half an hour for my usual trip to gym and then have a 2 mile walk planned - boots and brolly at the ready.  Need to keep the exercise up to help with my arthritis which the damp weather does not help!

Hope you enjoy your Monday group get together. Having time during the day to be social does help me cope somewhat with the quieter evenings and it is amazing how many people chat when out walking (even though I am very often the only one without a dog!!).  Will definitely be a muddy walk today I think especially as horses often use the bridleways through the local woods.  I will also try and pop into the farmer's market en route.

Be kind to yourself and come and chat when you need to offload.  The support I get on my thread on dark days helps so much. Take care. Jules xx

Hi Jules, thought i would send u a quick message not much to tell you at the moment ,not heard anything off my scan yet ,i have a awful cough at the moment  been to the dr on a coures of antibiotics, so havnt been out much still took george out just to get some fresh air.my son goes away Saturday,so wont see him for a couple of week if i feel up to it going out for sunday dinner with my  daughter, it depends if my cough is any better i hope so feeling a bit down at the moment nothing seems to be going right lately .take care have a nice week end spk to you soon Syl.

Hi Syl

Always feels harder dealing with problems on your own doesn't it.  When our hubby's were there it gave us love and security and sometimes it is an effort to just do it for yourself. I do hope your results come through soon but pleased your GP has at least given you some antibiotics so he must think there is maybe an underlying chest infection causing your cough.  I hope they help when they kick in. I always find the cough is worse at night so sleep deprivation does not help either.  I now always have an extra pillow when have a cough as this helps a bit. It would be nice if you were able to go out with your daughter but, if not, perhaps she could bring a meal in and share it with you.  At least then you get some social time.  Our family are fans of a monthly takeaway as more of a social event than when cooking.  Hubby and I started this when I was working full time so that I had a night off (he did not cook!!) though in pre-kids days it was weekly.

No plans for this weekend but will go walking all being well and to the gym too (my social outlet which has  been working quite well as can go when I feel like it between 9 and 2 at weekends and often stop for a cuppa afterwards).  My grandson turns 8 on Tuesday so will drop his gift in sometime as he will be at school on the day.

Take care and stay cosy.  Jules xx