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Mother passed away and I don't want my boyfriend

BluebelleGray
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Hello,

I was extremely close to my mum and I looked after her 24/7 in her final few weeks. Sadly, she passed away after a long fight with breast cancer. Quickly after her death I went travelling with my boyfriend and between us we were really good. Since coming home, the shock of losing my mum hit me and suddenly I had to grieve and get used to house etc and then I was back at uni with even more stress and work - I live at uni during term time. Now, i've started pushing my boyfriend away and hes irritating me. We've been together for 5 years and we were so happy but now I dont feel the same way and I cant think of a rational reasoning why. I don't want to break up with him if my feelings are being distorted because I'm going through grief. I told him that I was going to start going to counselling to talk through my issues and he got upset and offended that I wasn't talking to him. 

I'm going through so much and I cant think clearly - especially in what is best for me and my relationship.

 

Any advice?

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    Hi Bluebell ......... I am so very sorry to hear that your Mum passed away and can only imagine how difficult her loss has been for you to cope with.  I think that you are probably right that by going away, you have had a delay in coming to terms with things and are grieving now that life has returned to its 'new normal' for you.

    Sometimes when we lose someone we love so much, we mentally push others away a little because we know we cant cope with going through that hurt again - a kind of self-imposed safety net I guess - and we dont even realise we are doing it! 

    I think your idea of seeing a counsellor is a very good one.  McMillan (usually based at your local hospital) normally have a Relationship Counsellor for those affected by cancer.  It would be great for you to maybe see the counsellor alone and then, if he agrees, for you and your partner to see them together.  The counsellor should also be able to assure your partner that he is doing all 'the right things' by being supportive to you - but sometimes, in such a complex situation, a little outside help is also needed.  It sounds like your relationship is a good one and worth fighting for.

    This forum is also a great place to write down your emotions and get them off your chest.  There are many others here who have lost their Mum/Dad and will understand your feelings at this time.  If you type in something like 'lost my Mum to Cancer' in the Search Forum slot on the purple strip above - other threads will come up from people in the same situation and you may be able to post on recent discussions and find support.

    Please keep in touch whenever you need and I hope you get in touch with McMillan and they can help you both x

     

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    Hi Bluebell ......... I am so very sorry to hear that your Mum passed away and can only imagine how difficult her loss has been for you to cope with.  I think that you are probably right that by going away, you have had a delay in coming to terms with things and are grieving now that life has returned to its 'new normal' for you.

    Sometimes when we lose someone we love so much, we mentally push others away a little because we know we cant cope with going through that hurt again - a kind of self-imposed safety net I guess - and we dont even realise we are doing it! 

    I think your idea of seeing a counsellor is a very good one.  McMillan (usually based at your local hospital) normally have a Relationship Counsellor for those affected by cancer.  It would be great for you to maybe see the counsellor alone and then, if he agrees, for you and your partner to see them together.  The counsellor should also be able to assure your partner that he is doing all 'the right things' by being supportive to you - but sometimes, in such a complex situation, a little outside help is also needed.  It sounds like your relationship is a good one and worth fighting for.

    This forum is also a great place to write down your emotions and get them off your chest.  There are many others here who have lost their Mum/Dad and will understand your feelings at this time.  If you type in something like 'lost my Mum to Cancer' in the Search Forum slot on the purple strip above - other threads will come up from people in the same situation and you may be able to post on recent discussions and find support.

    Please keep in touch whenever you need and I hope you get in touch with McMillan and they can help you both x

     

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