spent time with family over the weekend how do you cope when you return to empty house still cant seem to beleave thats shes not hear.must still be very had for you knowing each other for so long we had 18 great years togetter five of which where fighting that horrid decease. i still dont no how im going to cope with out her just taking day at a time but not getting any easyer . trev
Tried to post a reply but link lost (not sure why as internet is fine at the moment hey ho). I am glad you enjoyed family time at the weekend. I too have family plans but for next Saturday. I have both children and grandchildren coming for lunch as well as hubby's sister in law. She has not been seen the funeral as she and her other brother and his wife moved to the Isle of Man a couple of weeks before hubby's death. She must be finding it hard to comes to terms with it all as they moved in December but last saw him at the end of November when he travelled to see them to say goodbye and good luck. Time with family is such a comfort.
As to coming home to an empty house I personally feel okay with this as its where we built a life together (we only ever lived here) and its where I feel the closest to my hubby and the memories. I am not sure if it makes a difference in that when he worked he travelled on business away from home, sometimes for weeks at a time and so I have been used to my own company in the past. I think it is more likely that he was, in the last weeks of his life, very weary, fed up with not being able to enjoy food and hated the 'fuss' as he called it of having to rely on others. He was a quiet man (did not like talking about his illness which is what brought me to the forum initially) and told me that he did not fear death - heartbreaking at the time but strangely reassuring in grief.
I do have wobbly days, tears still come and go but this, I feel, is part of the grieving process and it takes the time it takes. You cannot rush back into normality at a flick of a switch but the coping day to day seems to work for me. I am slowly getting used to facing things on my own but am glad of my support network (real and virtual) and in turn am trying to support my children who are also grieving for their Dad (they are adults and my daughter and son in law have their own difficulties in explaining it all to a very 'on the ball' six year old). I welcome company but also crave my own space for reflection. The grieving process is a very personal for each one of those affected but no one can take away the memories made and my hubby would hopefully approve of my slow progress forward.
Hi Trev, I too struggled to coming home to an empty house initially, but little by little I got better at handling it. One day at a time my friend. Even now 7 months later it crosses my mind that it's all a bad dream, but I know it's not so I throw myself into an activity usually gardening. Keeping busy helps me. It's rare I get a solid sleep in a good block but hey ho I manage to get on with it. I find some comfort in remembering all the good years we had together. How fortunate we were to find such love and friendship in each other and boy did we have some laughs. Anyway, just wanted to touch base with you Trev, Thinking of you Kathy x
good to hear from you im trying to take it a day at a time and as you say keeping busy helps had my grandson for a sleep over last night which helped a bit hard trying to explain why his nana not here anymore still had a good time. still cant bring myself to sort out any of her things it still hurts to much when i think about her it feels like my heart is being torn out .I now its early days but it still not getting much easyer like you she loved her garden so im trying to keep it looking good think she would like that .going out most of tomorrow with more grandkids keeps my mind off things hate being at home alone on weekends .anyway good to talke to you again and thanks .
There is no rush to deal you your wife's things, especially if it brings you some comfort having them around you. Its four and a half months sinc I lost my hubby and though I have 'recycled' most of his clothes, I still have some and yesterday was glad as I could then help my daughter out. My six year old grandson has been having difficulty coming to terms and understanding what Grandad's death means and asks lots of questions which we answer the best we can. With the help of his Mum and Dad and the school they are now building up a memory box and they are going to have made 'memory bears' (using one of hubby's suits). There are no right or wrong lengths of time when grieving; its such a personal thing. My friend's husband could not face it at all and eventually after 10 months his youngest son (my godson) helped him out when he realised how emotional his Dad was feeling about it (it had not occurred to him to ask for support).
I am still 'wobbling' along on occasions but would consider this normal when you have loved and lost. Take care of yourself. Jules
having a really bad day today cant seam to understand why shes not hear although she was ill for five years and watched her getting worse over the last couple of months.
I never missed one appointment with her over the years and cared for at home when she was on chemo
why do i feel so guilty and feel i should have done more carnt help feeling like this .
Spending time with the family as much as i can but as you now times a lone are hard even the dog is finding it tuff he is a comfort to me thou.
My grandkids are still to young to understand but we do tell them about nanny and when ever we see a white feather we tell them its nanny watching over them.
Hi Trev, Sorry to hear today has been a struggle for you. I think the emotions you are going through are quite " normal". I am sure you did everything humanly possible and were of great support for your wife. That was your gift to her and what a fortunate lady having you accompanying her through that time. Please don't beat yourself up. I had a bit of meltdown last night going through photos used for funeral slideshow, but today has dawned and I am back ready to get on with it and attack it with vim and vigour. I had to pep myself up for the dog as they sense our despair and dog was very "depressed" at one point missing his dad and picking up my vibes. Time spent with my grandkids bring great joy, 2 and 4 years, but I think time alone is important and just a period we have to work through, hard though it is. Thinking of you Trev Take care Kathy x
Like the lovely Kathy has said, your feelings are a perfectly normal reaction to having lost the love of your life. We all feel that 'should we have done more' guilt feeling (even felt it during the illness when I am honest with myself). I wish there was a magic way of changing the vulnerability I feel because my hubby is not here but in my head know this is all part of the changes we face as the days/weeks etc pass.. Your family and friends (like mine) are a huge support and having lost my 'wife' status, I do find the urge to up the 'Mum' responses (as if I am doing it for two perhaps). We are all helping each other but I also know they need to have a 'normal' routine again and slowly but surely we will achieve this as its what my hubby would have wanted more than anything.
On a day when I can 'face it' I do a small job of sorting a space/drawer/cupboard and go through the very natural emotions of what if's/memories flooding back (good and bad). Because I have a few days on my own (no work and family busy) am having a bit of a Spring Clean on my own stuff and finding it quite therapeutic (could be an excuse for some 'new' retail therapy).
In your head you know you did everything you could for her but your heart is hurting and this is the most natural feeling of grief that I know. Small steps Trev and do ask others for support as and when you need to.
Sadly many on the forum really do understand though I know it feels like its only happening to you and outwardly to others we appear no different. You need to allow yourself time to adapt to the situation. I felt somewhat lost for a good few weeks because, not only had I lost my man but also the routine of looking after him. Now over four months on I understand that he is free from the discomfort of living with Cancer (it caused the loss of his great love of the work he did and led to him being withdrawn as well as being sick of being 'regularly monitored by his medical team when he just wanted the normality of life as it was before diagnosis). You, like I and many others, did do all that we could but just wish it did'nt have to be the way it is. I am hoping, and have been told, that time heals so that it what I am moving towards. Its just a slow process of accepting this new 'solo me'. Best regards and virtual hug.Jules
I'm still struggling quite a bit can't get my head around that she is never coming home and after careing for so long and having all this time to fill. Family and friends help a lot but I can't expect them to be around 24 /7 so it can be lonely still she'd a tear most days there's always something start me off . And there so much to sort out which I can't always face at the moment
Now off to see the grandkids they usually cheer me up a bit .any way how are you coping .
