Have just read your thread and my heart goes out to  you.  Kathy and Steve have given good responses.

No matter how long you are with someone  you love, when they are 'lost' to you, even when you know the end is coming, that final goodbye is still a shock.  The tears of grieve take their toll but as Kathy has said it is still very raw for you and early days to be coping alone. I lost hubby of 37 yrs (best friend for 42 ish) and knew for over three years that the cancer would take him away.  It does not make it any easier to adjust to life alone and yes have shed tears (with others, alone and even talking/typing on here), it a natural release of our emotions. Take time to reflect, remember and be emotional when needed and when the time is right you will begin to move forward, step by step, day by day. Keeping busy helps and I have never had such a tidy house as I have in the past few months but when I sit and think I am beginning to draw on particualy happy memories as my personal coping mechanism and chatting on this forum has helped enormously as I know I am not the only one going through the pain of loss.  Treat yourself with kindness. Regards Jules54

Thanks jules54 

Hi I do try to keep busy spend a lot of time with family which makes it a bit easyer time alone is the worst plenty of walks with the dog . Night time is terrible couple of wines before bed don't help much as you say day at a time it still a struggle to look at photos just start the tears off again .trev. 

Hi trev

Its still such early days following the loss of your loved one.  They do say time is a healer and its just four months since my hubby died. We all handle grief differently and whilst I still shed tears occasionally, I now look at the photos round the house to remind me that the time we had together was precious and that hubby is now free from the discomfort (his word for pain) that the cancer brought into his life.  Its not an easy journey but he is held in my heart always and no one can take that away. Wishing you a peaceful weekend.Jules

hi jules

spent time with family over the weekend how do you cope when you return to empty house still cant seem to beleave thats shes not hear.must still be very had for you knowing each other for so long we had 18 great years togetter five of which where fighting that horrid decease. i still dont no how im going to cope with out her just taking day at a time but not getting any easyer . trev

Hi Trev

Tried to post a reply but link lost (not sure why as internet is fine at the moment hey ho).  I am glad you enjoyed family time at the weekend.  I too have family plans but for next Saturday.  I have both children and grandchildren coming for lunch as well as hubby's sister in law.  She has  not  been seen the funeral as she and her other brother and his wife moved to the Isle of Man a couple of weeks before hubby's death.  She must be finding it hard to comes to terms with it all as they moved in December but last saw him at the end of November when he travelled to see them to say goodbye and good luck. Time with family is such a comfort.

As to coming home to an empty house  I personally feel okay with this as its where we built a life together (we only ever lived here) and its where I feel the closest to my hubby and the  memories. I am  not sure if it makes a difference in that when he worked he travelled on business away from home, sometimes for weeks at a time and so I have been used to my own company in the past.  I think it is more likely that he was, in the last weeks of his life, very weary, fed up with not being able to enjoy food and hated the 'fuss' as he called it of having to rely on others. He was a quiet man (did not like talking about his illness which is what brought me to the forum initially) and told me that he did not fear death - heartbreaking at the time but strangely reassuring in grief.

I do have wobbly days, tears still come and go but this, I feel, is part of the grieving process and it takes the time it takes.  You cannot rush back into normality at a flick of a switch but the coping day to day seems to work for me.  I am slowly getting used to facing things on my own but am glad of my support network (real and virtual) and in turn am trying to support my children who are also grieving for their Dad (they are adults and my daughter and son in law have their own difficulties in explaining it all to a very 'on the ball' six year old). I welcome company but also crave my own space for reflection. The grieving process is a very personal for each one of those affected but no one can take away the memories made and my hubby would hopefully approve of my slow progress forward.

Look after yourself Trev. Regards Jules

Hi Trev,
I too struggled to coming home to an empty house initially, but little by little I got better at handling it.  One day at a time my friend.
Even now 7 months later it crosses my mind that it's all a bad dream, but I know it's not so I throw myself into an activity usually gardening.  Keeping busy helps me.  It's rare I get a solid sleep in a good block but hey ho I manage to get on with it.
I find some comfort in remembering all the good years we had together. How fortunate we were to find such love and friendship in each other and boy did we have some laughs.  
Anyway, just wanted to touch base with you Trev,
Thinking of you
Kathy x
 

hi kathy

good to hear from you im trying to take it a day at a time and as you say keeping busy helps had my grandson for a sleep over last night which helped a bit hard trying to explain why his nana not here anymore still had a good time. still cant bring myself to sort out any of her things it still hurts to much when i think about her it feels like my heart is being torn out .I now its early days but it still not getting much easyer like you she loved her garden so im trying to keep it looking good think she would like that .going out most of tomorrow with more grandkids keeps my mind off things hate being at home alone on weekends .anyway good to talke to you again and thanks .

trev,x

Hi trev

There is no rush to deal you your wife's things, especially if it brings you some comfort having them around you.  Its four and a half months sinc I lost my hubby and though I have 'recycled' most of his clothes, I still have some and yesterday was glad as I could then help my daughter out.  My six year old grandson has been having difficulty coming to terms and understanding what Grandad's death means and asks lots of questions which we answer the best we can.  With the help of his Mum and Dad and the school they are now building up a memory box and they are going to have made 'memory bears' (using one of hubby's suits). There are no right or wrong lengths of time when grieving; its such a personal thing.  My friend's husband could not face it at all and eventually after 10 months his youngest son (my godson) helped him out when he realised how emotional his Dad was feeling about it (it had not occurred to him to ask for support).

I am still 'wobbling' along on occasions but would consider this normal when you have loved and lost. Take care of yourself. Jules

hi jules 

having a really bad day today cant seam to understand why shes not hear although she was ill for five years and watched her getting worse over the last couple of months.

I never missed one appointment with her over the years and cared for at home when she was on chemo 

why do i feel so guilty and feel i should have done more carnt help feeling like this .

Spending time with the family as much as i can but as you now times a lone are hard even the dog is finding  it tuff he is a comfort to me thou.

My grandkids are still to young to understand but we do tell them about nanny and when ever we see a white feather we tell them its nanny watching over them. 

Hope you and the family are doing ok .trev

hi jules 

having a really bad day today cant seam to understand why shes not hear although she was ill for five years and watched her getting worse over the last couple of months.

I never missed one appointment with her over the years and cared for at home when she was on chemo 

why do i feel so guilty and feel i should have done more carnt help feeling like this .

Spending time with the family as much as i can but as you now times a lone are hard even the dog is finding  it tuff he is a comfort to me thou.

My grandkids are still to young to understand but we do tell them about nanny and when ever we see a white feather we tell them its nanny watching over them. 

Hope you and the family are doing ok .trev

Hi Trev,
Sorry to hear today has been a struggle for you. I think the emotions you are going through are quite " normal".  I am sure you did everything humanly possible and were of great support for your wife. That was your gift to her and what a fortunate lady having you accompanying her through that time.
 Please don't beat yourself up.
I had a bit of meltdown last night going through photos used for funeral slideshow, but today has dawned and I am back ready to get on with it and attack it with vim and vigour.
I had to pep myself up for the dog as they sense our despair and dog was very "depressed" at one point missing his dad and picking up my vibes.
Time spent with my grandkids bring great joy, 2 and 4 years, but I think time alone is important and just a period we have to work through, hard though it is.
Thinking of you Trev
Take care
Kathy x
 

Hi Trev

Like the lovely Kathy has said, your feelings are a perfectly normal reaction to having lost the love of your life. We all feel that 'should we have done more' guilt feeling (even felt it during the illness when I am honest with myself). I wish there was a magic way of changing the vulnerability I feel because my hubby is not here but in my head know this is all part of the changes we face as the days/weeks etc pass..  Your family and friends (like mine) are a huge support and having lost my 'wife' status, I do find the urge to up the 'Mum' responses (as if I am doing it for two perhaps). We are all helping each other but I also know they need to have a 'normal' routine again and slowly but surely we will achieve this as its what my hubby would have wanted more than anything.

On a day when I can 'face it' I do a small job of sorting a space/drawer/cupboard and go through the very natural emotions of what if's/memories flooding back (good and bad). Because I have a few days on my own (no work and family busy) am having a bit of a Spring Clean on my own stuff and finding it quite therapeutic (could be an excuse for some 'new' retail therapy).

In your head you know you did everything you could for her but your heart is hurting and this is the most natural feeling of grief that I know. Small steps Trev and do ask others for support as and when you need to.

Sadly many on the forum really do understand though I know it feels like its only happening to you and outwardly to others we appear no different. You  need to allow yourself time to adapt to the situation. I felt somewhat lost for a good few weeks because, not only had I lost my man but also the routine of looking after him.  Now over four months on I understand that he is free from the discomfort of living with Cancer (it caused the loss of his great love of the work he did and led to him being withdrawn as well as being sick of being 'regularly monitored by his medical team when he just wanted the normality of life as it was before diagnosis).  You, like I and many others, did do all that we could but just wish it did'nt have to be the way it is. I am hoping, and have been told, that time heals so that it what I am moving towards. Its just a slow process of accepting this new 'solo me'.  Best regards and virtual hug.Jules

Hi Trev,

Just wonder how you are going?

Kathy x

Hi Kathy, 

I'm still struggling  quite a bit can't get my head around that she is never coming home and after careing for  so long and having all this time to fill.  Family and friends help a lot but I can't expect them to be around 24 /7 so  it can be lonely still she'd a tear most days there's always something start me off . And there so much to sort out which I can't always face at the moment 

Now off to see the grandkids they usually cheer me up a bit .any way how are you coping .

thanks for being there 

trev.x

Hi Trev,
Everything is still very raw for you.  I am doing ok.  If I get down can "feel" someone with big feet giving me a kick up the behind and telling me to get on with it.  The grandkids give me great motivation and that is good.
Leave the sorting out till whenever.... No rush.
Just look after yourself, that's what she would have wanted.
Take care my friend,
Kathy x
 

Hi Trev

Please do not be too hard on yourself or expect too much too soon.  As Kathy has said most things can wait until you feel ready to approach them.  There is no urgency and grieving takes the time it takes.  One minute I will be doing okay and then something will knock me back and I feel vulnerable again.  I have accepted this as normal and try not to overthink my feelings, just go with them and my family and friends (virtual ones included) continue to give support when required. it is  not unheard of for me to turn up at work  needing a hug and have come to the conclusion that my face gives me away. Like you the grandchildren bring  great rewards and time with them and my own kids of course is always preciious.

Be kind to yourself and take care Jules x

Hi jules54 

Still struggling at times still feeling very alone even when I'm with friends and family how ever much I try I can't believe she's not seating next to me . It's only been 10 weeks but it feels like for ever my emotions are all over the place . I don't work retired early to look after sue so trying to stay busy my grandkids are all under six so they are a bit of a handful they really miss their nan as well . Milo our cross poodle still sit's  at the door waiting for her it's breaks my heart to see his sad little face . Sorry to waffle on having a bad day .hope you still doing okay trev x 

Hi Trev

Rest assured my waffling usually lasts a lot longer. Its a hard road that we are travelling down for sure and animals also show their own emotions.  I do not have any pets but whilst hubby was ill two of our neighbours' cats used to come and visit regularly and they still pop in though not as often.They wander around, look at me sitting where he used to sit (best view of the garden) and you can almost hear their brains whirring and wondering as to where he is.

Five and a half months have gone by (some of it in a bit of a haze I feel) and I am still having my moments of utter sadness.Its hard to explain but there are days when I can feel alone and then others where I feel lonely (I think there is a difference!) even if in the company of family and friends.  I am truly blessed and my two children are close by and the grandchildren, 6 and 20  months, bring me so much pleasure (tinged with the inner sadness of what hubby is missing).  I am lucky to work just over 15 hrs a week and that gives me focus.  I think if I didn't have this routine I would have found it much harder to cope but thats just me I guess.

I am still being seen by the GP (there today in fact) who looked after hubby (we were both under the same practice but I had never seen this doctor until she cared for him).  She told me that she felt it important to follow through with the 'other halves'/widows and its good to talk feelings through and be told they are part of the grieving process. I am back to socialising with close friends and every 'first' still brings on the emotional thoughts and less often now, the tears. 

On Sunday my daughter and grandson did the Race for Life and I went with them as usual to support them (her 9th time and his 1st) as we had always done.  Was in bits when they crossed the finishing line and even typing this is causing emotion.  Was so proud of them both. My grandson has found it difficult to take it all in but is being helped both by us all talking openly about Grandad and also the school he attends have been very supportive. It is still very much a case of supporting each other through the down times but we are all moving forward slowly and know that wherever and whatever we are doing, hubby/Dad/Grandad is held within our hearts as we manage this different journey.

Sending you hugs; I and the lovely people of this forum do understand and are happy to listen. Jules x