I'm 15 and 2 months ago my mum passed away. Since i was born she had cancer around 7 times, and the final time she battled for about 3 months. A year ago she had her stomach removed due to oesophageal and the year leading up to the next cancer was very difficult for her as she found it very difficult eating and drinking, and would usually throw up after every meal. This meant that she had to live for a year in pain, she was uncomfortable and could not enjoy normal things. After months of khemo she was in hospital for about a month, and when we were told that she was going to die in a couple of days, my amazing mum fought for another week! I helped a lot for the months leading up to her death and I would come home from school to look after her, help her or even just lie with her and talk to her. The last couple of years I have had such a strong relationship with my mum and the fact that she is now gone has completely broke my heart. I told my mum that I would be strong but I am finding it so hard just to get up in the morning, I don't want to go to school and I don't want to live anymore. The only reason stopping me from doing something extreme is that I know it would not make my mum happy and it would put my family through a lot more than what they are already going through and i couldn't do that. I get very angry and jealous of my friends' families and I even feel weirdly bitter towards people that have done nothing to me, I am just jealous of their 'perfect' lives. My mum, more than anything, wanted to see me and my 12 year old sister grow up and as I am in my final year of secondary school small things like finding prom dresses or my exams make me want her around more than ever. My house now doesn't feel like a home and there is a numb feeling in my heart that actually hurts. Wherever I am, I feel like i shouldn't be there and nothing feels right, I miss her so so much and its completely changed my life. The worst part, I think, is the goneness. The fact that I will never see her again which I am finding terribly hard to live with. I constantly cry and I feel so depressed, I really can't cope and I don't know what to do. I hate saying all this because my mum didn't want her death to make me as a person, and I promised I won't let it, just for a while I am going to find it hard to be strong. I talk and write to her which makes me feel better, and after she died I constantly saw a white butterfly. I swear, it followed me every day until it started to get colder. These comforted me extremely but now winter's coming I feel more alone and scared to be without her. I just love her and miss her so much, she was my world and I want her back so badly - I would die to be with her.
Thank you for taking the time to read this
