I'm 15 and I can't cope with my mum's death

I'm 15 and 2 months ago my mum passed away. Since i was born she had cancer around 7 times, and the final time she battled for about 3 months. A year ago she had her stomach removed  due to oesophageal and the year leading up to the next cancer was very difficult for her as she found it very difficult eating and drinking, and would usually throw up after every meal. This meant that she had to live for a year in pain, she was uncomfortable and could not enjoy normal things. After months of khemo she was in hospital for about a month, and when we were told that she was going to die in a couple of days, my amazing mum fought for another week! I helped a lot for the months leading up to her death and I would come home from school to look after her, help her or even just lie with her and talk to her. The last couple of years I have had such a strong relationship with my mum and the fact that she is now gone has completely broke my heart. I told my mum that I would be strong but I am finding it so hard just to get up in the morning, I don't want to go to school and I don't want to live anymore. The only reason stopping me from doing something extreme is that I know it would not make my mum happy and it would put my family through a lot more than what they are already going through and i couldn't do that. I get very angry and jealous of my friends' families and I even feel weirdly bitter towards people that have done nothing to me, I am just jealous of their 'perfect' lives. My mum, more than anything, wanted to see me and my 12 year old sister grow up and as I am in my final year of secondary school small things like finding prom dresses or my exams make me want her around more than ever. My house now doesn't feel like a home and there is a numb feeling in my heart that actually hurts. Wherever I am, I feel like i shouldn't be there and nothing feels right, I miss her so so much and its completely changed my life. The worst part, I think, is the goneness. The fact that I will never see her again which I am finding terribly hard to live with. I constantly cry and I feel so depressed, I really can't cope and I don't know what to do. I hate saying all this because my mum didn't want her death to make me as a person, and I promised I won't let it, just for a while I am going to find it hard to be strong. I talk and write to her which makes me feel better, and after she died I constantly saw a white butterfly. I swear, it followed me every day until it started to get colder. These comforted me extremely but now winter's coming I feel more alone and scared to be without her. I just love her and miss her so much, she was my world and I want her back so badly - I would die to be with her.

Thank you for taking the time to read this

Parents
  • Hello and welcome to this friendly and supportive forum and thanks for having the courage to tell us your sad story. I don't mind admitting, as a man with a granddaughter nearly your age, I read what you have written with tears in my eyes. To lose you mother at this age is so tragic for you for now is the time you need her more than ever. You have the consolation of knowing you did everything you could for your mother and I feel sure she is very proud of you and she would have known how much you loved her. I lost my own mother over seven years ago and I still miss her, but in time we do learn to adjust to a life without them. I hope you believe what I am about to say to you. Your mother may no longer be with you in a physical sense but she will always be with you in spirit for she has helped shape the loving and caring person you are. It has taken a while for me to recognise it but every now and then I say or do something and it suddenly hits me, that's exactly what my mother would have said or done. It felt a little eerie at first but now I find it quite comforting, like she is still here watching over me, occasionally wagging her finger disapprovingly at me if she disapproves of something I've done.  Grief is a powerful emotion and we all react differently. You will have both good and bad days ahead but remember your mother would want you to be strong as you can in the circumstance. I am glad you have already had two other responses and both Lorraine and DPA have offered good advice, it is good to talk and you shouldn't try to deal with this all on your own.

    Please take care, sending best wishes to you and please keep in contact, Brian 

Reply
  • Hello and welcome to this friendly and supportive forum and thanks for having the courage to tell us your sad story. I don't mind admitting, as a man with a granddaughter nearly your age, I read what you have written with tears in my eyes. To lose you mother at this age is so tragic for you for now is the time you need her more than ever. You have the consolation of knowing you did everything you could for your mother and I feel sure she is very proud of you and she would have known how much you loved her. I lost my own mother over seven years ago and I still miss her, but in time we do learn to adjust to a life without them. I hope you believe what I am about to say to you. Your mother may no longer be with you in a physical sense but she will always be with you in spirit for she has helped shape the loving and caring person you are. It has taken a while for me to recognise it but every now and then I say or do something and it suddenly hits me, that's exactly what my mother would have said or done. It felt a little eerie at first but now I find it quite comforting, like she is still here watching over me, occasionally wagging her finger disapprovingly at me if she disapproves of something I've done.  Grief is a powerful emotion and we all react differently. You will have both good and bad days ahead but remember your mother would want you to be strong as you can in the circumstance. I am glad you have already had two other responses and both Lorraine and DPA have offered good advice, it is good to talk and you shouldn't try to deal with this all on your own.

    Please take care, sending best wishes to you and please keep in contact, Brian 

Children
  • Hi n1234

    Welcome to Cancer Chat. It's great to see you have received some lovely replies. I agree that it would be good to let someone at your school know what is happening, as they will be able to support you. If you would like to chat to others who are your age and are going through similar experiences, rip rap could be a good place to try. Also kids konnected.

    Our nurses will be happy to talk to you too. Their contact details are here and you can call them free from a UK landline between 9am and 5pm Monday to Friday.

    Please come here to chat anytime and to let us know how you are getting on.

    Best wishes

    Jane

  • Hello, thank you for all your kind words. What you have said is pretty amazing and it comforts me to know that it will get better.. I even feel her prescence sometimes now so it is nice to think that in the future it may even be more prominent. I'm sorry I don't really have much to say back but every word meant a lot.... Naomi