Hello Jess 

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. Grief is a natural process but it can be devastating. It's understandable that you're struggling with some difficult thoughts and feelings at the moment but there's lots of help and support available out there. You've made the first step in posting here on the forum and hopefully some of our other members who understand the pain that comes with losing a loved one will share their advice with you soon. 

In the meantime, I'd really encourage you to speak with your GP about how low you're feeling. I'm sure they will be able to offer some support to help you find an even keel so that you can continue to not just function on a daily basis but be able to make things a little easier. 

I'd also suggest that you consider getting in touch with Cruse, a charity that is able to offer bereavement support. Having a safe space in which to talk about your grief can be invaluable and I know that we've had many members here on the forum who have benefitted from grief counselling. 

Keep in touch Jess, let us know how you're doing and we'll do our best to try and offer some support during this difficult time. 

Best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

I am so sorry about your Mum. I'm 27 and also lost my Mam to Kidney cancer in April. The emotional rollercoaster you go on is horrendous and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It also annoys the life out of me when someone says everything happens for a reason or she is in a better place. She didn't want to die, how can she be in a better place when she isn't with us? I feel like punching them if I'm honest, but I know that's the grief and sometimes people don't understand watching someone suffer for so long. I found that writing down my memories and how I'm feeling did help me a bit in the beginning, but I haven't picked up my book in a few months now. I think you just try and block out the emotions just to try and manage. You're so right, your kids need their mam right now and you need them. I hope you and your kids make some memories during this hard time and can bring eachother even a tiny bit of happiness during this horrible time. They say it gets easier as time goes on but I think you just get better at dealing with life. Please reach out if you ever want to chat ️

Thankyou so much for replying , in a really weird way it makes things easier sometimes knowing other people are going through this (even though I wouldn't wish it on anyone :( ) , I hope you're doing as ok as can be , I couldn't agree more when people say things you just get so angry I'm angry at the minute that everyone says she's around me and that my mums watching over me. We have had an awful 5 years of bad luck in the family and I can't see how anyone can be watching over me. And the whole she's in a better place is so annoying because as you know yourself living with kidney cancer is not a normal life you deal with the IPs and downs every day so I'm one way yes it's better she hasn't got cancer but I bet you probably agree you start thinking well she shouldn't have got it in the first place. It's just awful , I'm off work tomorrow and have joined a gym and then have a hair app so I'm going to make the first step and ring the hospice , they have offered me counselling, what do you find helps you day to day ? X  ( ps get the book back out and write how you feel it's making the first step that's always hard but can help I feel better just you relying tonight ️

Thankyou for you're reply , I'm finding I'm fine for a few weeks and then have an awful week  and really struggle . 
I get out to work every day and I'm in a really good routine which helps but I find mentally sometimes that makes me feel worse that life is carrying on without her but then I have no choice . I know understand actual heartbreak. The hospice offered me counselling a few weeks ago and asked me to ring them . I havnt done this yet and I'm going to make that step tomorrow and book a session when the kids are at school . I definitely think talking face to face with how I feel will help x

It's a wierd feeling of understanding and being heard when you talk to someone who has been through a really similar thing isn't it! I haven't been on here In months and I logged on and yours was the first I saw! When I read your post I was like omg this is how I feel and we are a similar age and it was kidney cancer as well. 
I'm doing as okay as you can, I feel like now I just say yeah I'm okay cause friends, work colleagues or family ask and it's easier than saying no actually I'm having a crap time, and sometimes I feel like I'm doing my friends heads in if I'm sad or if I talk about my mam, I'm so paranoid!

Yeah I totally agree, every time someone says at least she is out of pain, I think well why did it happen to my mam in the first place? Watching your mam go downhill so fast and knowing it's coming is the worst heartbreak I have ever felt. All we can do is try and do them proud, but it's so hard when life is going on without them:-(. Doing something for yourself like joining a gym and getting your hair done is definitely an amazing first step, it's little things that bring you even a second of happiness! And you bloody deserve it!! Day to day I just try and keep as busy as possible but sometimes I just crash and have a terrible few days and think I need help I can't do this, and then it passes for a while and then it all comes back! A night time is the worst; but I've started listening to podcasts when I'm trying to sleep and find it helps because it stops you having flashbacks of them poorly or the day they died; which I really struggle with! Thank you for replying, I feel a bit better too! Just writing it all down helps xx 

Thanks for you're reply , I think it helps so much talking with people around my age going through the same sort of situation . My heart breaks reading your reply , I was so close to my mum she was more like a sister too so I totally get it there's no bond like it If pleural effusion is where the lungs are surrounded by water that cause chest pain that's exactly what happened to my l , we knew things were bad but after she had that drained she went downhill and people say at least you had a chance to say goodbye but as like you it all happened so fast .

im devestated to hear that you had to move from the family home , how do you feel about that would you rather still be there or are you glad to have a fresh start ?,

my mum bought her house when I was 6 so it's been the family home for 22 years , now I can't bear to visit it ( my mums partner younger brother and sister still live there ).

im also very angry at the fact she's gone , im angry that I didn't see her during the first lockdown , im angry that she was taken so young , that my kids won't feel the love she gave me for years from they're Nan it's just loads of things isn't it . I also think unless you've been through something like this you just don't get it . I've never felt heartbreak like it!

I started the gym this week as I'm going to set a goal to walk up snowdon for the hospice in June and hopefully that will help massively , maybe you should start something , do you have counselling ? I made the first step today and rang the family support at our local hospice and they're going to book me in xx

same to you chat anytime I've only had this account a few days and it already helps sharing experiences xxx

I feel totally the same Jess. My precious mum died last June from stage 4 brain & lung cancer which had metastasized from her breast cancer which she had had in 2018. She was diagnosed in November & 7 months later she was gone. I live in NY but flew back to Scotland immediately when she found out & stayed by her side for every step of those 7 months. We also lost my dad in a freak fall 10 weeks before my mum died which was so unexpected & was such a heartbreaking ordeal to go through while also caring for mum 24/7. Here I am now 7 months since she passed & 9 for dad & I am still absolutely devastated on a daily basis. I've been talking to a grief counselor from the hospice since last February which I highly recommend. I find that it helps to just to be able to talk freely about mum as I try not to always be a Debbie downer when friends ask how I am even though i'm desperate to talk about her a lot. Sometimes it's so hard to see everyone else just going on with their normal lives again but im still stuck in this dark, sad, exhausting mindset all the time. Right now im finding it very hard to function, im barely sleeping, my mind NEVER stops thinking about mum & I'm having a really hard time dealing with this awful debilitating depression. I used to read this forum when I was looking after mum but have never written on here till tonight. I'm sad to read your story & the others who have responded to you but am glad that I have found people who understand what im going through & who can relate. This is a horrendous journey to be on & one which can feel incredibly lonely at times so I'm relieved to know that im really not alone in this nightmare. Sending all who have lost someone they truly love the biggest hug. I know I could really use one too. 

Hey lovely girl , sorry for the late reply I was in a right state when I wrote for the first time and was surprised with the replies feel like it really helped ️ I've had my little boys 6th birthday and been working loads so havnt had a chance to come on here . 
 

Absolutely heartbroken for you , I bet you just think why me , when's the luck going to change for you to have no mum and dad . I don't actually know how you're coping but I think you're right being on here and reading other peoples stories makes you realise it actually is common but it's hard when you look around social media and the majority of people you know have they're parents and nans still etc and you just feel like you have all the bad luck , losing my mum isn't the only thing that's happened to us either and I just can't even imagine anything else happening . 
 

how are you this week ??.. I don't know how to do it but I've seen you can actually message people on here so message me anytime!! I'm feeling ok this week I booked my first counselling session which is on the 09th feb so I can't wait for that feel like I have a lot to get off my chest ️ 
 

sending you lots of hugs because I know how you feel when people are constantly asking how you are and you can't just keep saying no actually I'm not ok because people don't understand ‍♀️‍♀️