I am so sorry about your Mum. I'm 27 and also lost my Mam to Kidney cancer in April. The emotional rollercoaster you go on is horrendous and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It also annoys the life out of me when someone says everything happens for a reason or she is in a better place. She didn't want to die, how can she be in a better place when she isn't with us? I feel like punching them if I'm honest, but I know that's the grief and sometimes people don't understand watching someone suffer for so long. I found that writing down my memories and how I'm feeling did help me a bit in the beginning, but I haven't picked up my book in a few months now. I think you just try and block out the emotions just to try and manage. You're so right, your kids need their mam right now and you need them. I hope you and your kids make some memories during this hard time and can bring eachother even a tiny bit of happiness during this horrible time. They say it gets easier as time goes on but I think you just get better at dealing with life. Please reach out if you ever want to chat ️

I am so sorry about your Mum. I'm 27 and also lost my Mam to Kidney cancer in April. The emotional rollercoaster you go on is horrendous and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It also annoys the life out of me when someone says everything happens for a reason or she is in a better place. She didn't want to die, how can she be in a better place when she isn't with us? I feel like punching them if I'm honest, but I know that's the grief and sometimes people don't understand watching someone suffer for so long. I found that writing down my memories and how I'm feeling did help me a bit in the beginning, but I haven't picked up my book in a few months now. I think you just try and block out the emotions just to try and manage. You're so right, your kids need their mam right now and you need them. I hope you and your kids make some memories during this hard time and can bring eachother even a tiny bit of happiness during this horrible time. They say it gets easier as time goes on but I think you just get better at dealing with life. Please reach out if you ever want to chat ️

Thankyou so much for replying , in a really weird way it makes things easier sometimes knowing other people are going through this (even though I wouldn't wish it on anyone :( ) , I hope you're doing as ok as can be , I couldn't agree more when people say things you just get so angry I'm angry at the minute that everyone says she's around me and that my mums watching over me. We have had an awful 5 years of bad luck in the family and I can't see how anyone can be watching over me. And the whole she's in a better place is so annoying because as you know yourself living with kidney cancer is not a normal life you deal with the IPs and downs every day so I'm one way yes it's better she hasn't got cancer but I bet you probably agree you start thinking well she shouldn't have got it in the first place. It's just awful , I'm off work tomorrow and have joined a gym and then have a hair app so I'm going to make the first step and ring the hospice , they have offered me counselling, what do you find helps you day to day ? X  ( ps get the book back out and write how you feel it's making the first step that's always hard but can help I feel better just you relying tonight ️

It's a wierd feeling of understanding and being heard when you talk to someone who has been through a really similar thing isn't it! I haven't been on here In months and I logged on and yours was the first I saw! When I read your post I was like omg this is how I feel and we are a similar age and it was kidney cancer as well. 
I'm doing as okay as you can, I feel like now I just say yeah I'm okay cause friends, work colleagues or family ask and it's easier than saying no actually I'm having a crap time, and sometimes I feel like I'm doing my friends heads in if I'm sad or if I talk about my mam, I'm so paranoid!

Yeah I totally agree, every time someone says at least she is out of pain, I think well why did it happen to my mam in the first place? Watching your mam go downhill so fast and knowing it's coming is the worst heartbreak I have ever felt. All we can do is try and do them proud, but it's so hard when life is going on without them:-(. Doing something for yourself like joining a gym and getting your hair done is definitely an amazing first step, it's little things that bring you even a second of happiness! And you bloody deserve it!! Day to day I just try and keep as busy as possible but sometimes I just crash and have a terrible few days and think I need help I can't do this, and then it passes for a while and then it all comes back! A night time is the worst; but I've started listening to podcasts when I'm trying to sleep and find it helps because it stops you having flashbacks of them poorly or the day they died; which I really struggle with! Thank you for replying, I feel a bit better too! Just writing it all down helps xx