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husband's cancer has made him nasty

jenjennyjennifer
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I really hope this doesn;t sound selfish, and the main reason I am posting this is to see if anyone else has had the same experience and if so how they coped, and in fact if they coped, becuase I'm struggling and ready to give up.

We were married only 8 months ago and my husband had his cancer diagnosis six weeks later. a shock of course.  Since then he has been dismissive and cruell and downright nasty.  I have my own medical issue which in no way am I comparing, but following some bad news about that yesterday he has today told me that I am medically trying to 'trump' him and take the attention away from him (even though I haven't told anyone else).  He tells me that I am not nice enough or good enough to look after him and that our relationship has to go 'on hold' until he decides otherwise.  If I try and keeps things 'normal' I'm accused of not caring and if I try and talk about it and see how he's doing I'm drawing attention to it and being a *** about it.  Not once has he bothered to see if I'm ok (I have an elderley mum who needs support, and autistic son and a full time job.  If I say I'm in need of a walk with the dog on my own I'm neglecting him.  He had a procedure two days ago (day surgery) and i genuinely feel that it would have been better for everybody if he hadnt survived the anaesthetic.  There, I said it.  I'm a kind and compassionate person and try and give any help to anyone but being hated and critisized and spoken down to day in day out is very challenging, actually I just want to cry but I'm too busy. Thinking about it he has become an abuser.  If I don't challenge his abuse then I am an enabler.  I'm just wondering if cancer has done this to other men, or if he's just decided to show his true colours?

 

  • Offline in reply to Ragbags1

    Thank you!

    Just knowing that other people are going through the same thing makes it a bit better

  • Offline

    Hi there makes me feel so comforted to read your post.My husbands moods are getting so hard to live with, he says it's my actions that make him the way he is.I try my best but nothing is good enough.It is mentally and physically draining treading on eggshells everyday.Some days he can be the most loving man then it can all change in a heartbeat and i'm the worst person ever.He has been told he's allowed to be selfish.I try to arrange trips to make memories but he dosn't want to deal with everyday life that not how he wants to end his life 

  • Offline in reply to olympias

    I was given the heads up, that people with Cancer can become nasty, grumpy... Nothing prepared me for it though! He is on Cycle 2 of his Chemo (not too bad side effects so it's not that) Everything I do is wrong, moans - best place for me is work!! And yes I'm going in tomorrow on Bank Holiday  

    we are not alone ️ ️

  • Offline in reply to nujay

    My husband has cancer and at the moment I am maternity leave. He is in total denial if I am honest despite having treatment and he is still holding down his full time job. By the weekend he is exausted and snaps at me and is horrible. I cried last night cause I don't know how to cope sometimes. We have young children and in the week I hold the fort so he can have treatment and still go to work. The consultant gave him the go ahead to work as well - if it helps his mental health. But what about mine. Sometimes I can feel mine rapidly going down the drain cause I have kids and basically feel exausted. Nothing has changed for him despite having cancer- he is working still as much as he ever did- if not more. It's ridiculous. Everyone says to just stop telling him to rest and let him do what he wants. I am pretty cross I am the only person telling him working full time is making our lives a nightmare. He goes to bed by 9pm and by the weekend he is so moody. He had been on steroids for chemo which makes it worse too. He won't discuss his cancer with me. 
     

    Feels so hard. 
     

     

  • Offline in reply to Dinamo

    Hi i saw your post and just had to reply, no way is he allowed to be selfish,who ever told him that hasn't got a clue , I've been living with cancer over 6years im also a carer for my wife,we have odd rows about  things but soon sorted and back to normal, there's no need to be grumpy to you if he starts just go out the way he's mobile and working which is good, like you said probably in denial .

    Hope you can get something sorted over his moods.

    Good luck.

    Billy

  • Offline in reply to olympias

    Hello I know exactly how you feel , my partner was horrible too saying cruel stuff to my cats even . He's now left me to live with his mother. I did everything for him to support and he called me selfish because I had a break night out with my family, it's the third time it's happend I'm heart broken I really am . But at the same time I don't miss the abuse , which caused me pain too .

     

    Take care x 

  • Offline in reply to Rusty1

    Has anyone here tried speaking to their partner's doctor to see if a change of meds will help. I am at my wits' end. Partner is on cycle 2 of a new chemo regime which comes with a lot of dextamethasone on the side as he had a bad reaction to the chemo last time.  I know he is in pain - but he is just being so angry with me all the time... has currently gone off and barricaded himself into the bedroom. I just don't know what to do. I would speak to his oncologist- but I just hate to think how angry he would get if it got back to him that I had done this...

    ... just feels like a no win situation?

  • Offline in reply to Dinamo

    Whoever told him he is allowed to be selfish needs to be made aware of the impact this has had on his behaviour - assuming he's not just making this up.

    Cancer brings out the best in some people and the worst in others. 

    You seem to be in a lose-lose situation - maybe he needs some counselling to help him recognise the damage he is doing? 

  • Offline in reply to olympias

    I had tried calling the mental health team, he just kept saying I'm alright !! Which clearly isn't,  I tried all sorts and have him full support but was never enough .

    hope you're ok and trying to look after yourself too! It's an exhausting roll, especially if you're working aswell x 

  • Offline in reply to Rusty1

    My husband has AML, this has been going on for 5 years now. I have two teenage boys who really have only known 'ill dad' I shield them constantly from the ups and downs and the nastiness. The leukaemia has now relapsed and isn't responding but they are trying venetoclax which might give him a bit more of a chance. I am so tired. I am so fed up, I'm not very well. My parents both have cancer. I just want it all to be over, I can't live like this forever. If they can get my husband well enough they might try a stem cell transplant and that will be more horror and trauma. We weren't in a good place before all this and now well you can all imagine. I do try to keep things pleasant at home but the effort is literally killing me. I don't know where to turn for help because I sound so nasty thinking like this. He is a cancer surviving hero and I am the one who has lost my future. , hugs to anyone feeling the same xxxx

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