The struggle is so hard. My husband left me because its alt my fault! There’s absolutely notjing you can do to stop somebody so angry being horrible.  I for one am glad he left because id have collapsed by now. Under the weight of his continual cruelty and attempted control.  He had somewhere to go.  I have no useful words for tjose of you who bear this huge weight without the acknowledgement and support of the nhs and many of your friends and relatives. Step away for a few hours as much as you can. Go anywhere. Sit in a cafe and stare out of the window. Wishing you love and strength xx

Thank you x very hard isn't it x they told him his chemo isn't working and the cancer has  spread even more , I can understand his anger but I'm all he has in his life x they're trying another one docetaxel fingers crossed x 

So sorry what you went through x thank you for the reply x

Hi

you arent alone in this, my partner has stage 4 neck and throat cancer he had surgery in feb and finished treatment in june, during his intense 6 week treatment he treated me like total crap, nothing i did was good enough, i drove him hosptail each day which was 3 hours away, i give my work to look after him, we have 6 young children, the things he said to me was unreal and total acceptable, most days he left me in tears and i flet so alone ( still do at times ) i just want the guy i fell in love with back, i told him how he treated me and he appolised, i knew it wasnt the real him but still no excuses, once his treatment finshed i thought happy days he will go back to being himself nope he is very disant how speaks to me,can be nasty most days and its like walking on egg shells, i hate it, i have taken time out for me, i go to the gym which is my me time,give yourself a break, i told my partner he may have the cancer but its me that is going through it as well.

i just want someone to ask me how my day is, how im feeling as i feel as carers we dont tend to loook after ourslefs. if you ever want to chat my inbox is always open, take care off yourself

I cannot tell you all how utterly relieved I am to have found this thread. My once thoughtful and charming husband has become really horrible and unpleasant, openly admitting that he'll do what he likes. This apparently includes wetting the bed, drinking himself stupid (and no I don't buy it for him, his parents drop it off) smashing up the house falling over drunk, and refusing to take care of the most basic personal hygiene. 

I sent him to stay with his parents for a break, within one week he'd ended up in hospital because he was making himself vomit as a result of suddenly eating rubbish. I managed to get him into a cottage hospital where he was supposed to be making the most of physio etc to get better. Instead he's been even more self-indulgent, charming to the staff (until they ask him to do anything at all) and being vile to me. I have to go to a meeting there this week with his parents to talk about what's next for him. The NHS and his parents are all trying to bully me into having him home. I'm not having it. I've been doing this for six years on my own now, have lost two jobs, am on the verge of losing the house, my friends are sick of it,  and all for just daily criticism and cruelty.

All the stuff out there that talks about the practical and counselling help available is total BS when it turns out that your questions and problems aren't sorted by 'having a bath' and when there is zero co-operation from the patient. But hey, let's keep advertising coffee mornings. As you may have gathered, I've really had enough. 

Completely understand exactly where you're coming from 

Thankfully, my Dad has in no way turned nasty, but the care he's had so far has been very functional rather than personalised. I'm sorry to say that it feels that you're very much a number rather than a person.

But as for the "support" offered to family - absolutely agree that it's all there as long as your problem is in the text book. You're talked over, no chance to ask a question or express an opinion - just a case of ticking off forms and sending you on your way.

I wish I'd come to this chat 2 years ago.  My husband has Myeloma and has had treatment weekly for 2 years.  He's been vile and nothing I do is good enough.  I was devastated by the diagnosis and cared for him through a stem cell transplant.  Covid hit and no visiting and I couldn't go to appointments. He announced last night he's been having an affair with a cancer unit nurse, who cares and listens.  He packed two bags and has gone to her. He accused me of not caring, no going to appointments etc.  I feel broken, used and he's gone off to new relationship.  21 years mean nothing.  I'm 57 and she's 45.  He believes it's ok as we weren't getting on.  We didn't talk, I've blocked the cancer to cope - I lost my strong husband.  Perhaps I should have checked drugs spoken before

This thread helped me so much before the actual event. To be fair, my wife isn't being nasty, but she has had a couple of "moments", and those who said, just remove yourself from the situation and let them be, are spot on. I nipped out for 30 mins - 1 hour and upon my return she was completely and utterly fine. Had i stood there and went toe to toe or even showed her rant was irking me, it would have lasted hours on end, and even through to the next day.

Saying that, cancer or not, it doesn't give anyone carte blanche to do or say what the hell they want if they are in full control of all their faculties. Abuse is abuse, no matter what the abuser is living through. The fact is, if someone is being nice to others or singing your praises in front of others, they are fully aware of their awful behaviour.

My partner has turned on me so many times it's soul destroying I am mourning a man & relationship whilst he's still here , my hairs coming out in chunks & his family just don't realise the extent of the abuse x

I am sending you a huge hug it's a very , very lonely place to be . You are not alone x