Hi Jen

I'm sorry to hear what your going through.

My partner has cancer and I can relate to you. It's hard dealing with the mood swings and as his partner I feel my own feelings are irrelevant to him sometimes of how hard it is for us too. I do try to talk to him as I can relate where you say he doesn't want to talk about treatment etc, like I say to my partner- these aren't easy conversations to have but they are important as I I'm scared too, I'm never there when you speak to your consultant, I want to know what is going on to help and understand too- (as Covid has made everything so difficult-scans being pushed back/not being allowed to be in the hospital with him). I have now suggested that I am on the call with him next time or whether I can ask the consultant questions that I know he wants to avoid. He buries his head with the cancer in some ways and to the world makes out he's strong where I see his true mix of emotions and his fear at home. It's heartbreaking watching him being so scared but you are allowed to have a voice, as you are also going through this too emotionally. It sounds like your husband is scared and taking it out on you. Maybe as someone else mentioned on here could you stay at a friends for a few days to give yourself a break, write him a letter with some happy memories and also how your feeling now which he could read and reflect on. My friend's husband had cancer and is now clear and the best advice she gave me with how to deal with his mood swings, was to just be patient and to try not to take things personally which I know is hard but when I asked her if he had mood swings and she said yes they were awful just knowing it wasn't just me made me feel better- especially when you get told you don't understand how hard it is. Luckily I have some great friends who support me.  If your husband was a decent man before maybe it's the cancer that has caused him to react in this way. Does he get medical help? I know my partner has a psychiatrist that helps him to deal with his emotions. 

Hi Jen

I'm sorry to hear what your going through.

My partner has cancer and I can relate to you. It's hard dealing with the mood swings and as his partner I feel my own feelings are irrelevant to him sometimes of how hard it is for us too. I do try to talk to him as I can relate where you say he doesn't want to talk about treatment etc, like I say to my partner- these aren't easy conversations to have but they are important as I I'm scared too, I'm never there when you speak to your consultant, I want to know what is going on to help and understand too- (as Covid has made everything so difficult-scans being pushed back/not being allowed to be in the hospital with him). I have now suggested that I am on the call with him next time or whether I can ask the consultant questions that I know he wants to avoid. He buries his head with the cancer in some ways and to the world makes out he's strong where I see his true mix of emotions and his fear at home. It's heartbreaking watching him being so scared but you are allowed to have a voice, as you are also going through this too emotionally. It sounds like your husband is scared and taking it out on you. Maybe as someone else mentioned on here could you stay at a friends for a few days to give yourself a break, write him a letter with some happy memories and also how your feeling now which he could read and reflect on. My friend's husband had cancer and is now clear and the best advice she gave me with how to deal with his mood swings, was to just be patient and to try not to take things personally which I know is hard but when I asked her if he had mood swings and she said yes they were awful just knowing it wasn't just me made me feel better- especially when you get told you don't understand how hard it is. Luckily I have some great friends who support me.  If your husband was a decent man before maybe it's the cancer that has caused him to react in this way. Does he get medical help? I know my partner has a psychiatrist that helps him to deal with his emotions. 

I am so sorry to hear what you are living through, when facing health difficulties or mental stress some people do change tack, and it can be incredibly hard to put up with it, and there have been times in the past when I ended up ringing the Samaritans or Womens Aid just to let off steam because I could not believe I was sitting there and taking it to the point of not eating or sleeping properly, and that was before I got cancer. Ive got a long term health condition, have had multipe surgeries for hips and feet and ankle and now mastectomy and reconstruction which is very wonky because, guess what, theres a huge malformation to my chest wall under where they operated. Your husband may be worrying about his future, and scared that if you show that you are ill, he will be unable to cope with that and his own issues.  I can only suggest this, but maybe you could talk to your own medical team and see what they suggest if they know him as well?  Relate has long waiting lists. but for now, Id be saying do what you can to keep safe first of all, get phone numbers of people like Samaitans and Womens Aid, so someone who can listen to you becomes easily accessible, they are usually accessible online too. Being ill is not an excuse for being a bully, it might explain being the centre of attention attention seeking person, but its not acceptable in a loving relationship. I really applaud you for sharing, you have already helped someone else on here who felt she was the only one dealing with partner behaviour like this, now we know there are at least three of us who get these issues cropping up. Hang in there, believe in you. look after him yes, but mutual respect should  not leave home when cancer arrives.