Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

Hopewells - I am  sorry to hear about both your Mum and your little brother, although good news that he is on the mend, and am sorry you are going through all this at such a young age.  I wish you well with all that lies ahead.  I take on board what you say about feeling lucky for the time I have had with my Mum, but that doesn't necessarily make what she is going through any easier to deal with - with things like this, it's probably best not to try and compare who is luckier than who, as when you are going through it, I'm sure it's just as hard for all of us for many different reasons and in many different ways.  Thank you for your advice and your prayers and for sharing your story.

Mickied - thanks also for your reply, you are absolutely right that the only way to deal with this is to live one day at a time, and I absolutely have to focus on doing that.  But you are right that it comes down to the kind of person you are, and just because something like this happens, you can't suddently change the way you feel or react to things.  I wish you all the strength to get through this to, and please stay in touch as  I feel there are some similarities in the way we are feeling and coping.

Brian - a massive thanks to you again, you write so well and manage to say so many of the right things.  Thank you for your wishes.  I am feeling better this week, and planning a few more trips to spend time with Mum  I just want to until we are given some more indication fo what the future holds, and without sounding morbid, would never want to regret not spending time with her - she keeps feeling guilty about us travelling to see her, so I am having a job convincing her that we do it because we want to!  All the very best to you and please stay in touch.

Catherine x

Hi Catherine

As they say life can be so cruel sometimes and it can be very hard to try and get through each day as it comes.  How is your mum keeping and how are you?

I kept your mum in my prayers and discovered last week that a young baby who undergone a heart operation survived and is on the mend so sometimes there is someone listening.

Thank you for the invitation to stay in touch which I promise I will do.

Take care

Mickied

Hi Catherine,

Thanks for updating us. Hope you are soon able to get to sleep better as lack of sleep has an accumulative effect. But I am so glad you have been able to have a good talk to your mother. It is so hard  to see someone we love slowly getting worse as I know all to well with my own mother. I do hope the treatment works for your mother and she doesn't have many side effects. Please take care, sending best wishes to you and all your family, Brian.

Hi Catherine

Still hoping and praying that the new treatment will be a complete success for your mum.

I hope you have a nice holiday Catherine the three of you.

I felt the same whenever a hospice nurse called to see my father-in-law it started to hit home but not with my husband he was in total denial of his father having cancer.

I think he was trying to hold on to every piece of hope he could find.

Take care and chat soon

Mickied

Hello Everyone,

It's been a while since I wrote on here, we took the holiday that caused so much worry and work has been crazy, which in many ways has provided some distraction from what has been happening with Mum.

All,in all, and despite all the heartache prior to going,  I think it was the right thing to do - it was not the holiday we had hoped for, but I found the quiet time away with my husband and daughter therapeutic and relaxing.

Mum was admitted to hospital around the time we went away - I was up with her before we went, and she was deteriorating quite noticably, really short of breath, increased pain and just unable to find any energy to do anything.  She briefly started the aggressive treatment option, but this triggered what happened next.  Later that week, sher breathing had got bad to the point she couldn't move - she was seen by a GP who just said she needed oxygen for her breathing, and when this made no difference, her oncologist advised her to go to A&E, and upon admission to the hospital she was found to have blood clots and fluid on her lungs, neither of which have been fully solved in the time that has gone by, and in fact she has deteriorated further due to picking up an infection.

So we are now in the situation where after 3 weeks in hospital, my darling mum is today being moved to a hospice.  The doctors have said they want to carry on treating her for the fluid and infection, so it is a hospice linked to a medical unit, but they have warned us to prepare for time being short - a matter of weeks, or possibly days if they cannot get on top of her current condition.

I think I have slipped into disbelief - I know what is happening, but it's like it isn't - is this self-preservation kicking in, because if I start to believe it, I will fall apart?  I'm barely crying, because I am scared that if I start, I won't stop.  I know there are so many of you out there who have gone through this, and I want to be as strong and brave as you, but I don't know if I can be.

I am really trying though - I still daily think of how wonderful my mum is, and how wonderful my life has been because of her.  We had a long bank holiday weekend with them last weekend, and I was able to visit mum in hospital alone a couple of times, and we just chatted as we always did, and although touched on the obvious subject, mainly tried to stay away from it.  I will always cherish those moments now.

I am trying to do as much to be of use, and help her but nothing feels enough compared to the size of what is happening.  I am so sad that my Mum has done everything that was suggested to help, and these have in fact made her worse - there is suggestion that the chemo has knocked her immune system to the point that she cannot fight off this infection.  I said all along, when Mum seemed well for a few months, that I feared a rapid deterioration and this is what's happened.

I'm not sure I've said on here before, but my mum and dad had a 'trip of a lifetime' planned for January, a 5 week Carribean cruise - I so wish they had gone, and not done the chemo which didn't work.  I keep thinkking of this, I know it is the beauty of hindsight thing, but I can't help thinking I would feel better if they'd had that one amazing exerience together before my mum goes.

I'm rambling, just pouring out what is going through my mind, but I know you  lovely people won't mind!  Thanks as always to anyone who reads and replies, to know you are out there and taking the time really helps

Love to all xxx

Hi Catherine

I had been thinking about you lately and now this news about your poor mum.  I am glad you went on holiday.  It gave you and your family some time to be together.

I am glad the oncologist advised your mum to go to her A & E Dept where they were able to treat your mum.  My heart goes out to you after hearing they have now transferred your mum to a hospice.

I hope they can treat your mum here for the infection to give her a bit more time with her family.

You are just on a rollercoaster at the minute Catherine everything is just too much to take in sometimes.  It is only when we are faced with situations like yours we start to see the real us.

We panic about are we strong enough to cope with what lies ahead and only you can answer that question.  Just enjoy the time you have left with your mum Catherine and cherish every moment.

With cancer Catherine we never know what is round the corner and an infection setting in can set a person back. 

I am still keeping you and your mum in my prayers and thoughts.

Take care

Mickied

Hi Catherine,

I am so sorry to hear about your mothers deteriation. I can so relate to what you said about it's happening but it feels like it isn't. It almost like it is happening to someone else. When my mother reach the stage your mother is at, I felt so useless as I was powerless to stop what was unfolding before me. Even though I had lots of support from my family, I did feel so alone. I was a weird feeling and one I cant fully explain. You say you don't know if you can be brave and strong, but you will of that I am sure. You say you are trying to avoid crying Catherine and I do understand why you say that. But please don't bottle it up too much for crying is natures safety valve that lets us shed some of those pent of feelings that tend to pile up much like a log jam. It better to release them a little at a time.

Please take care , will be thinking of you and anytime you want to chat you know where to come.

Sending best wishes to you and your family, Brian

Hiya Catherine,

Bless you for having the strength to post here after what must have been a nightmare of a few weeks.  Am so sorry to read that your poor Mum (who so much wanted to fight to live) has been unfotunate enough to suffer from the consequences of treatment. My hubby was the same but has always said that you have to try as if it works it can make a difference.  She still sounds an amazing lady and keep having those chats when you can manage visiting , they mean so much. As you say hindsight is a wonderful thing a regards the holiday of a lifetime she may have taken with your Dad but in her heart she wanted to try and extend her life and she felt it was the right choice.  Maybe too she was worried about being away from home in case she became ill (my hubby does not feel 'safe' at the thought of travelling for holidays now so we have resigned ourselves to a back garden summer should he stay stable). I think you will find the move to the hospice a much more peaceful place than a general hospital (My Dad always said they were so friendly and understanding when he went in both for respite for my Mum and towards the end some three months later).  They are a special breed of staff  there and seem to encompass the whole family.  Also feel free to come and ramble whenever you need to offload - we all do it and I am sure it helps to write down how you feel. Believe you me I  have often typed in tears as I am sure many others do to - its a release valve that can come on at the most unexpected times and there is no right or wrong time to cry.

I am pleased that you managed that holiday with your husband and daughter. I am sure it  was a strange experience in many ways as your head would be in one place and your  heart in another but your daughter and other half need you to as much as you need them.  Wishing you all a peaceful weekend and know that the forum is always here to listen.  Sending virtual hugs.  Jules

Hello Jules,

Thanks so much as always for finding the time to reply, and for finding the right things to say to ease some of the painful thoughts I've been having throughout this.  You are right about my parents cancelled holiday, and my husband has said much the same thing - would we ever have rested knowing she had opted to do that instead of start the treatment, and would she have enjoyed it anyway.  It is painful now but at the time, was the right thing to do.

We have all said that we feel somewhat calmer that she is now in a hospice, it is partly for respite care as well as the fact that time is so uncertain - she was on a manic hospital ward for 3 weeks, and the lack of proper rest has wiped her out so we are hoping that a calmer environment will give her more strength and peace of mind, but it really is a one day at a time thing.  I will take comfort from your Dad's words, and know from experience with my Grandad that they are a very special place, and in many ways provide care for the family as well.

I wanted to say a particular thank you to you for your words about mum sounding like an amazing lady - sometimes when I have written on here, I am conscious that it is about me and how I feel, and I very much want to convey in all this that my mum is a wonderful person and your words bring me some comfort that maybe I have communicated that more than I think.

Your are also completely right that the holiday was a good thing to do - it made me realise that emotionally, I probably have been a bit distant from my husband and daughter, and it also reminded me how lucky I am to have them and that time with them is precious.

I understand your husband's wish to stay close to home, and I am sure we are due a beautiful summer (after the awful winter we have had) so will keep everything crossed for you that the weather is kind and that he remains well, and you can have some lovely warm and lazy days in your garden.

My dad has just called whilst I was writing this message (we decided to head up tomorrow to give my mum time to get settled and get some much needed rest), and has said they both feel so calm now mum is in the hospice (St Barnabas in Lincoln) - dad is already over-whelmed with the kindness and care of the staff, and this really helps.

A big thank you again, and take care,

Catherine x

Hello Brian - like Jules, you always find the right words to help me look at things in a better light, so thank you.  I know you have both lost parents, so can really relate to what I am feeling and going through so I know your words are heartfelt.

You mention about a weird feeling, which is exactly what I feel now - like you say, powerless in one way, but I have just been saying to my husband that I feel strangely calm.  I think it is partly the self-preservation thing I mentioned earlier, like not letting myself get onto the downward spiral of falling apart.  But it is also that in some ways it feels like all the turmoil of the fight is coming to an end, and the important thing now is for mum to be calm and comfortable, and knowing that she is helps me too.  Difficult to explain, but some of the way I am feeling now is unexpected.

Thank you for your words about crying, I promise not to bottle it up, but to be honest just talking abd writing on here lets me get a lot of the emotion out.  I do find that I get very choked when I speak about it, but am fortunate to be surrounded by people who care so much that they don't mind me sharing how I feel.  LIkewise, all you lovely people on here are very ease to share with.

Thank you again Brian, for your words today and previously.  And I must ask, how is your father doing now?  And you, as I know this cancer battle has affected you personally as well?

All the very best,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine,

Thanks once again for your kind words. The hospital finally found out my father had a twisted bowel which got worse at times. They finally operated on him and he is now home recuperating. It has taken a lot out of him as he is still very weak. I am both amazed and proud of him as next month he will be 91. To have been in and out of hospital 11 times since October and still not have given in shows the fighting spirit he has.

As for me I have had the results of my latest blood test a couple of weeks ago and my PSA is still the lowest that can be measured at 0.01. That make it sixteen months in a row now. My diabetes and cholesterol are also very good so I feel I am so very lucky to have such good results.

Thank you for asking Catherine when I know you have enough problems of you own. I am so glad I found this site, nearly a year ago now as I have met so many wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate people like Jules and yourself and so many others. Talking to you all is a real privilege.

Have a great wekend, and thanks once again for your kind words. Best wishes to you and your family, Brian.

Mickied,

So sorry for not replying to you sooner, but I read your message last week and as always your kind words really did the trick and lifted my spirits.

Suffice to say, life has been somewhat crazy this last week - have been travelling up and down the M1/A46 to Lincoln and back, but it has been worth every minute to spend time with Mum, even when she has been too weak to talk, I've just been able to sit and hold her hand.

The hospice she is in in a wonderful place - I had my husband and daughter with me last weekend, and we were a little worried about a toddler being there but the staff embarced us all and made us so welcome.

All in all, I think she is  in a better place than a week ago - the future is completely uncertain, the docs won't commit, but she is rested and comfortable and at ease with where she is and what is happening.  We couldn't really ask for more under the circumstances.

Thanks again for your support and I hope all is well with you, take care and have a good weekend,

Catherine x

Mickied,

So sorry for not replying to you sooner, but I read your message last week and as always your kind words really did the trick and lifted my spirits.

Suffice to say, life has been somewhat crazy this last week - have been travelling up and down the M1/A46 to Lincoln and back, but it has been worth every minute to spend time with Mum, even when she has been too weak to talk, I've just been able to sit and hold her hand.

The hospice she is in in a wonderful place - I had my husband and daughter with me last weekend, and we were a little worried about a toddler being there but the staff embarced us all and made us so welcome.

All in all, I think she is  in a better place than a week ago - the future is completely uncertain, the docs won't commit, but she is rested and comfortable and at ease with where she is and what is happening.  We couldn't really ask for more under the circumstances.

Thanks again for your support and I hope all is well with you, take care and have a good weekend,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine

There is no need to apologise.  I am so glad that my input helped a bit and thank you for this.

I am so glad to hear your mum is more comfortable and is aware of what is happening in the hospice.  The staff there must do a wonderful job and as Jules says the people there are treated like a person and not another number by other members of the medical profession.  Just take each day as it comes Catherine and enjoy your time with your mum even if it is just to sit and hold her hand and let her know you are there.  I am sure your mum was delighted to see your little one last weekend.

I wish there was more I could say Catherine to make things easier but there isn't.

Just found out the other day a brother of my father's is in hospital with bronchial pnuemonia in both lungs and it doesn't look too good.

Take care and keeping your mum in my prayers

Mickied

Hi again,

Thanks again for the words of comfort, always so appreciated.

Just wanted to say so sorry to hear the news of your dad's brother, and hope he will be well looked after where he is, and is now as well and comfortable as can be.

Thinking of you,

Catherine x

Hi Mickied - sorry, that last message I posted was in reply to yours, but I didnt put your name on it!  Take care xx

Hello everyone,

I'm afraid to say that this is the message I never wanted to write, but sadly knew would come at some point soon.  My darling Mum passed away in the early hours of this morning.  We all managed to be with her (just, as after several days and nights of sitting at her bedside, had decided to take short sleep shifts so it was a bit of a panic to get everyone up in time) but fortunately the wonderful nurses at the hospice helped us achieve this.  Despite the horrendous situation, the nurses were able to keep her comfortable and pain free, and Mum's last minutes were peaceful and with those who loved her so much.

It has been the strangest day - I think we are all exhausted and numb, but have gone from moments of joy and laughter as we think about Mum, to moments of immense sorrow and disbelief.  I guess this is normal.

I'm in such a state this evening that I am struggling to find the words that I want to say.  But, and forgive me if this seems a little indulgent, I did just want to come on here and pay tribute to my mum, by saying what a wonderful person she is, and that we could not have wished for a better Mum, wife and grandmother (and, also, judging by the state of my husband today, am guessing she was considered a wonderful mother-in-law too!)  None of us quite know what our lives will be like without her, but we know they will always be richer for her having been in them.

My thoughts continue to be with those going through the ordeal of cancer at the moment, and also to all of you who have been so kind to support me as I have tried to come to terms with Mum's illness.  Your kindness has been so very appreciated.

Thank you everyone, Catherine xx

Catherine, my thoughts are with you and the rest of your family during this saddest of times. It was  a lovely tribute to your Mum that you found the strength to post so soon after your loss. She will live in your heart forever and has helped make you who you are. Am pleased for you all that you were able to be with her during her last few days and that she passed with the comfort of her family around her in such peaceful and pain free surroundings. Sending virtual hugs.Jules x

Dear Catherine

I am sending condolences to you from all of us at Cancer Chat. You have been with your mum every step of the way and, as Jules has said, it is good to know that she had a peaceful final few days surrounded by her loved ones.

Best wishes to you and your family at this sad time,

Jane

Oh Catherine,

I am so sorry to read this. But I think it just goes to show from the tribute you wrote about your mother, what a wonderful daughter you are and it must have made your mother very proud to have a daughter who loved her as much as you have. Like Jules, I am glad you and the family were able to be with her right to the end. I know the hugely differing range of feelings you talk about as I felt pretty much the same when I lost my mother. I thank you for coming on here to let us know and please come back anytime you want Catherine, for you have made many friends on here over the past few months who will do all we can to help and support you through this most painful time.

Sending my deepest sympathy and condolences both to you and your family, please take care of yourself, Brian

Catherine,

Just to say I am so sorry to hear that you lost your Mother yesterday. You describe her as a wonderful Wife, Mum, Grandma and Mother in Law.  I just want to say I think she must have passed on some of her traits to you as you have written such lovely messages to people (including myself) on here, and it sounds like you are a wonderful daughter to your late Mum.  Thinking about you and your family at this terrible time.  I hope and pray that the day will come very soon that people dont have to lose their lives to this awful illness.   Kathryn x  

Jules, Brian, Kathryn and all others who have replied to me previously,

Thank you so much for your words of kindness and comfort,.  The last few days have been impossibly hard, but I have found that the kindness and thoughts of others, and in particular those who have gone through this, have helped so much.

I will certainly stay in touch on this forum, as will never forget the support of you all, and as alwasy wish you all the very best.

Take care,

Catherine xx

Catherine,  everyone who has shared your story will be keeping you in their thoughts during the terribly hard time for you and your family. The forum's support is there for whenever you need to chat. Take care and sending hugs.Jules