Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

Hopewells - I am  sorry to hear about both your Mum and your little brother, although good news that he is on the mend, and am sorry you are going through all this at such a young age.  I wish you well with all that lies ahead.  I take on board what you say about feeling lucky for the time I have had with my Mum, but that doesn't necessarily make what she is going through any easier to deal with - with things like this, it's probably best not to try and compare who is luckier than who, as when you are going through it, I'm sure it's just as hard for all of us for many different reasons and in many different ways.  Thank you for your advice and your prayers and for sharing your story.

Mickied - thanks also for your reply, you are absolutely right that the only way to deal with this is to live one day at a time, and I absolutely have to focus on doing that.  But you are right that it comes down to the kind of person you are, and just because something like this happens, you can't suddently change the way you feel or react to things.  I wish you all the strength to get through this to, and please stay in touch as  I feel there are some similarities in the way we are feeling and coping.

Brian - a massive thanks to you again, you write so well and manage to say so many of the right things.  Thank you for your wishes.  I am feeling better this week, and planning a few more trips to spend time with Mum  I just want to until we are given some more indication fo what the future holds, and without sounding morbid, would never want to regret not spending time with her - she keeps feeling guilty about us travelling to see her, so I am having a job convincing her that we do it because we want to!  All the very best to you and please stay in touch.

Catherine x

Hi Catherine

As they say life can be so cruel sometimes and it can be very hard to try and get through each day as it comes.  How is your mum keeping and how are you?

I kept your mum in my prayers and discovered last week that a young baby who undergone a heart operation survived and is on the mend so sometimes there is someone listening.

Thank you for the invitation to stay in touch which I promise I will do.

Take care

Mickied

Hello Annabel - thanks so much for reading my story, and for getting in touch.  Always lovely to know there are people who relate to your feelings and understand what you are going through.

I know what you mean about chats by phone, you always feel against the clock and it is never the same as face to face.  I hope you get good opportunities to see and talk to your daughter in person.  I think my mum can open up as she needs to , but actually quite often will ask us to change the subject after a while.  I know she is scared about what is happening, so this is partly a self-defence thing for her, but we speak about things enough that I think she is comfortable doing so.  Am seeing her for a couple of days this weekend, and we will be talking about what she has decided to do in terms of future treatment, not going to be easy for any of us but we wil all support her.

How are things going for you - you mention you received your diagnosis just before Christmas, which must have been a terrible shock.  I hope things are going ok for you?

Well, thanks again for getting in touch and please take care of yourself,

Catherine x

Hello All,

Forgive me for the long and rambling message to follow - am feeling pretty tired and emotional today, so just need to get a few of the thoughts flying round my head down in writing...

The last week has been tough - we had a couple of days with mum and dad before Easter, and it was hard to leave them as I knew it would be.  But we had promised to go and see my in laws, and it was a nice weekend with them.  But so hard to leave Mum, she was wiped out just from a couple of days with us, and I came away with this horrible image of her in  my mind, being a shadow of her former self.  And this was made all the more upsetting as she knows this and hates it too.

I saw my parents briefly after Easter, they had been staying with my brother and stopped here on the way home.  My mum looked even more tired and was in pain from her back and legs, which had been stopping her sleeping well.  We spoke about our forthcoming holiday, and mum said she didn't think she would be able to go, but still wanted us (as in me, my husband and daughter) to go.  I said we wouldn't want to go without them, as would miss them not being there and would rather have the time with them in a different way.  I wanted to avoid an argument, but she really couldn't understand what I was saying and insisted we go, saying she would be even more upset if we didn't.  It was left at that, as I absolutely was not going to argue with her.

I rang my parents yesterday and it was awful - Dad answered and when he heard my voice, he just broke down.  I was terrified, as could not establish for some time whether something specific had happened.  Mum has apparently been really suffering this week - wiped out tired, in pain, not sleeping and breathless and energy less.  I feel so useless being so far away, and just don't know what to do or think. I think it just hit dad really hard as was a bit of a harsh reminder of what is happening and what lies ahead.  Mum has decided to go ahead with a very aggressive course of treatment, and I think we are all afraid how she will react, how much she will suffer and whether it will do any good anyway.

My mind is in turmoil today - the holiday is not important to me, but I'm afraid of upsetting mum if we don't go, I know if we go I will regret it as would regret not spending the time with her. And I'm worried about saying this to her as don't want it to come across that I know we only have limited time left to spend with her.  And how can I help more with day to day care for her, we live 3 hours away, work are understanding but only to a point, and anyway, it just seems that being with us is too much for mum as leaves her so tired.  My mum feels my daughter should be my priority, and of course I do not want to do anything that detracts from my care for her, but it just seems like maybe mum needs care even more at the moment.  I want to keep everyone happy, but don't want to do things I know I will regret in order to keep the peace.

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this rant.

Best wishes to everyone out there,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine,

You have no need to apologise about rambling or ranting, for this site is the ideal place to do that. I'm often guilty of rambling anyway. 

One of the things I have found about cancer is it turns our lives upside down and causes us great problems regarding making the right choices. It sounds like you have one of those problems right now and whichever choice you make, you may feel guilty or that you have been talked into making a choice you are not happy making. You are in such a difficult situation and I do feel for you.

To know that your dear mother is suffering and getting weaker and that it's upsetting you dad so much must be very painful for you even more so as you don't live close by.     I can tell by what you have written it is taking a big toll on you too Catherine, and you do have to look after yourself too. I hate the way cancer plays so much havoc with our emotions. You have a very delicate balancing act to try and keep the peace and keep everyone happy as you have said.

Please take care, Thinking of you Brian

Hi  Catherine,

I know how difficult that 'holiday question' is and the inner turmoil in brings. Going back just over five years my Dad had planned and paid for a holiday for the whole family to enjoy knowing he only had months at most (prostate/lung cancer). We agreed to go because it would be his last holiday. 3 days before departure he told us he and Mum would not be coming but he insisted (just like your Mum) that he wanted to have the memory of us going away and enjoying ourselves because normal life must continue for those who can manage it. I too was devasted at this thought but we talked and it became apparent it would upset him more if we did not go. We went and I hated every minute of it though the rest of the family rallied round and we did our best. 5 days later I returned to see my Dad and he was eager to hear all about it and how had we enjoyed ourselves.  I was truthful, said the place/hotel etc was lovely and I thanked him for sending us on holiday but I spent all the time worrying about him back at home.  He understood what I was saying but our holiday photos gave him such pleasure in his final weeks that I realised the holiday was not just for  us  but for him too.  Its so hard when you love someone  to be apart and all families are different but in the end I was grateful to my Dad for being so open, letting me continue with my life which to him was far more important as he had lived his as he wanted to and wanted the same for me.

I hate the cancer journey (now doing it with my hubby) but my Dad's outlook on life has left its mark and though my husband is terminal we dont know how long he has  and so we carry on as normal as possible, visiting friends when we want to and having them to us when we can manage it.  Hubby tires easily and some visits are shorter than others. We have to be guided by his feelings as he know how he feels. I still have my nights out (though I am always at the end of the phone).

Brian's right its so hard being a watcher and it takes its toll on us all. Come and rant whenever you need to. You have to unload somewhere and better on the forum than getting upset when you see your Mum.  My hubby tried the aggressive route of treatment (saying he would give anything a go to lengthen his quality of life) and it was never a cure option but we hope he will have longer with us in better health. He is on slow release pain relief and suffers breathlessness when he walks or tackles the stairs but  he knows what he wants and no doubt will give me orders when the time comes.

Please take care of yourself. We all know we cant be in two places at once as much as that would solve so many problems.  Thinking of you during this difficult journey as one of the many going through hell. virtual hugs being sent your way.

Hi Catherine

Sorry I am only getting back to you today after reading your message.  I truly hope that this new course of treatment is a success for your mum Catherine.  I am still praying for her every night so hopefully someone is listening to me.

In relation to the holiday I am afraid that is one decision you have to make yourself.  Do you go but if you are anything like me you wouldn't even enjoy it but everyone is different.

It sounds like Catherine your mum is trying to prepare you for when she is no longer here pointing out to you that your daughter is your main priority.

I remember my uncle doing the same before my granny died.  He was telling my mum that she had to put us first as her family now as she spent her life looking after my granny as she was the youngest of the family.  I can feel myself filling up writing this Catherine and God only knows what is going through your mind at the minute.

Don't you think for one minute you are ranting you are just being honest with the people who know what you are going through.

Take care and thinking about you.

Mickied

Hi All, Brian, Jules and Mickied in particular,and thank you all so much for your kind replies.

Jules, thanks for sharing the story of your Dad and the holiday, but so sorry to hear you have been so touched by cancer already, as well as now going through it with your husband.  Your words about the holiday have been really helpful (see below) .  You are so right that you just have to carry on as normal every day that you can, and it always sounds like your husband has reached a good place mentally which I hope gives you peace of mind as well.

We've had a pretty tough week again, but after much talking and heartache, we have now decided to go ahead with the holiday.  The compromise is that I am up with mum and dad at the moment, and we are going to take some extra time off work after the holiday to come and spend a long weekend with them over the bank holiday.  As you said with your Dad Jules, it became apparent that Mum would be more upset if we didn't go.  I'm still not sure, but I am trying to look on it as time with my husband and daughter as well, and there is never quite enough of that in amongst work and everything else.

Mickied - I think you are right, that Mum is trying to make sure the 3 of us stay strong as a family, partly because it eases her mind to think of us being happy and settled, but also as you say preparation for when she is no longer here to look after her little girl...!  Thank you so much for your continued prayers, it's really feeling at the moment like we need them more than ever.

Brian - thank you as well for getting in touch, you are right that this is taking quite a toll on me - I am not sleeping at all well, especially the last few nights, so I know I need to get on top of that.  I had a long chat with mum last Friday, which was the day she met her Macmillan nurse - it was so weird, in some ways I felt so much better knowing that someone so caring and capable is looking after Mum, but in some ways it was the one thing that really brought home to me what is happening.  I am just pleased to be here with mum today and tomorrow - it is hard as she has deteriorated so much since I saw her just over 2 weeks ago, but we are really hoping that the new treatment, hard as it is, will improve some of her symptoms.  Keeping everything crossed.

Thank you again to all of you, and thinking of you all,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine,

Thanks for updating us. Hope you are soon able to get to sleep better as lack of sleep has an accumulative effect. But I am so glad you have been able to have a good talk to your mother. It is so hard  to see someone we love slowly getting worse as I know all to well with my own mother. I do hope the treatment works for your mother and she doesn't have many side effects. Please take care, sending best wishes to you and all your family, Brian.

Hi Catherine

Still hoping and praying that the new treatment will be a complete success for your mum.

I hope you have a nice holiday Catherine the three of you.

I felt the same whenever a hospice nurse called to see my father-in-law it started to hit home but not with my husband he was in total denial of his father having cancer.

I think he was trying to hold on to every piece of hope he could find.

Take care and chat soon

Mickied

Hello Everyone,

It's been a while since I wrote on here, we took the holiday that caused so much worry and work has been crazy, which in many ways has provided some distraction from what has been happening with Mum.

All,in all, and despite all the heartache prior to going,  I think it was the right thing to do - it was not the holiday we had hoped for, but I found the quiet time away with my husband and daughter therapeutic and relaxing.

Mum was admitted to hospital around the time we went away - I was up with her before we went, and she was deteriorating quite noticably, really short of breath, increased pain and just unable to find any energy to do anything.  She briefly started the aggressive treatment option, but this triggered what happened next.  Later that week, sher breathing had got bad to the point she couldn't move - she was seen by a GP who just said she needed oxygen for her breathing, and when this made no difference, her oncologist advised her to go to A&E, and upon admission to the hospital she was found to have blood clots and fluid on her lungs, neither of which have been fully solved in the time that has gone by, and in fact she has deteriorated further due to picking up an infection.

So we are now in the situation where after 3 weeks in hospital, my darling mum is today being moved to a hospice.  The doctors have said they want to carry on treating her for the fluid and infection, so it is a hospice linked to a medical unit, but they have warned us to prepare for time being short - a matter of weeks, or possibly days if they cannot get on top of her current condition.

I think I have slipped into disbelief - I know what is happening, but it's like it isn't - is this self-preservation kicking in, because if I start to believe it, I will fall apart?  I'm barely crying, because I am scared that if I start, I won't stop.  I know there are so many of you out there who have gone through this, and I want to be as strong and brave as you, but I don't know if I can be.

I am really trying though - I still daily think of how wonderful my mum is, and how wonderful my life has been because of her.  We had a long bank holiday weekend with them last weekend, and I was able to visit mum in hospital alone a couple of times, and we just chatted as we always did, and although touched on the obvious subject, mainly tried to stay away from it.  I will always cherish those moments now.

I am trying to do as much to be of use, and help her but nothing feels enough compared to the size of what is happening.  I am so sad that my Mum has done everything that was suggested to help, and these have in fact made her worse - there is suggestion that the chemo has knocked her immune system to the point that she cannot fight off this infection.  I said all along, when Mum seemed well for a few months, that I feared a rapid deterioration and this is what's happened.

I'm not sure I've said on here before, but my mum and dad had a 'trip of a lifetime' planned for January, a 5 week Carribean cruise - I so wish they had gone, and not done the chemo which didn't work.  I keep thinkking of this, I know it is the beauty of hindsight thing, but I can't help thinking I would feel better if they'd had that one amazing exerience together before my mum goes.

I'm rambling, just pouring out what is going through my mind, but I know you  lovely people won't mind!  Thanks as always to anyone who reads and replies, to know you are out there and taking the time really helps

Love to all xxx

Hi Catherine

I had been thinking about you lately and now this news about your poor mum.  I am glad you went on holiday.  It gave you and your family some time to be together.

I am glad the oncologist advised your mum to go to her A & E Dept where they were able to treat your mum.  My heart goes out to you after hearing they have now transferred your mum to a hospice.

I hope they can treat your mum here for the infection to give her a bit more time with her family.

You are just on a rollercoaster at the minute Catherine everything is just too much to take in sometimes.  It is only when we are faced with situations like yours we start to see the real us.

We panic about are we strong enough to cope with what lies ahead and only you can answer that question.  Just enjoy the time you have left with your mum Catherine and cherish every moment.

With cancer Catherine we never know what is round the corner and an infection setting in can set a person back. 

I am still keeping you and your mum in my prayers and thoughts.

Take care

Mickied

Hi Catherine

I had been thinking about you lately and now this news about your poor mum.  I am glad you went on holiday.  It gave you and your family some time to be together.

I am glad the oncologist advised your mum to go to her A & E Dept where they were able to treat your mum.  My heart goes out to you after hearing they have now transferred your mum to a hospice.

I hope they can treat your mum here for the infection to give her a bit more time with her family.

You are just on a rollercoaster at the minute Catherine everything is just too much to take in sometimes.  It is only when we are faced with situations like yours we start to see the real us.

We panic about are we strong enough to cope with what lies ahead and only you can answer that question.  Just enjoy the time you have left with your mum Catherine and cherish every moment.

With cancer Catherine we never know what is round the corner and an infection setting in can set a person back. 

I am still keeping you and your mum in my prayers and thoughts.

Take care

Mickied

Mickied,

So sorry for not replying to you sooner, but I read your message last week and as always your kind words really did the trick and lifted my spirits.

Suffice to say, life has been somewhat crazy this last week - have been travelling up and down the M1/A46 to Lincoln and back, but it has been worth every minute to spend time with Mum, even when she has been too weak to talk, I've just been able to sit and hold her hand.

The hospice she is in in a wonderful place - I had my husband and daughter with me last weekend, and we were a little worried about a toddler being there but the staff embarced us all and made us so welcome.

All in all, I think she is  in a better place than a week ago - the future is completely uncertain, the docs won't commit, but she is rested and comfortable and at ease with where she is and what is happening.  We couldn't really ask for more under the circumstances.

Thanks again for your support and I hope all is well with you, take care and have a good weekend,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine

There is no need to apologise.  I am so glad that my input helped a bit and thank you for this.

I am so glad to hear your mum is more comfortable and is aware of what is happening in the hospice.  The staff there must do a wonderful job and as Jules says the people there are treated like a person and not another number by other members of the medical profession.  Just take each day as it comes Catherine and enjoy your time with your mum even if it is just to sit and hold her hand and let her know you are there.  I am sure your mum was delighted to see your little one last weekend.

I wish there was more I could say Catherine to make things easier but there isn't.

Just found out the other day a brother of my father's is in hospital with bronchial pnuemonia in both lungs and it doesn't look too good.

Take care and keeping your mum in my prayers

Mickied

Hi again,

Thanks again for the words of comfort, always so appreciated.

Just wanted to say so sorry to hear the news of your dad's brother, and hope he will be well looked after where he is, and is now as well and comfortable as can be.

Thinking of you,

Catherine x

Hi Mickied - sorry, that last message I posted was in reply to yours, but I didnt put your name on it!  Take care xx

Hello everyone,

I'm afraid to say that this is the message I never wanted to write, but sadly knew would come at some point soon.  My darling Mum passed away in the early hours of this morning.  We all managed to be with her (just, as after several days and nights of sitting at her bedside, had decided to take short sleep shifts so it was a bit of a panic to get everyone up in time) but fortunately the wonderful nurses at the hospice helped us achieve this.  Despite the horrendous situation, the nurses were able to keep her comfortable and pain free, and Mum's last minutes were peaceful and with those who loved her so much.

It has been the strangest day - I think we are all exhausted and numb, but have gone from moments of joy and laughter as we think about Mum, to moments of immense sorrow and disbelief.  I guess this is normal.

I'm in such a state this evening that I am struggling to find the words that I want to say.  But, and forgive me if this seems a little indulgent, I did just want to come on here and pay tribute to my mum, by saying what a wonderful person she is, and that we could not have wished for a better Mum, wife and grandmother (and, also, judging by the state of my husband today, am guessing she was considered a wonderful mother-in-law too!)  None of us quite know what our lives will be like without her, but we know they will always be richer for her having been in them.

My thoughts continue to be with those going through the ordeal of cancer at the moment, and also to all of you who have been so kind to support me as I have tried to come to terms with Mum's illness.  Your kindness has been so very appreciated.

Thank you everyone, Catherine xx

Catherine, my thoughts are with you and the rest of your family during this saddest of times. It was  a lovely tribute to your Mum that you found the strength to post so soon after your loss. She will live in your heart forever and has helped make you who you are. Am pleased for you all that you were able to be with her during her last few days and that she passed with the comfort of her family around her in such peaceful and pain free surroundings. Sending virtual hugs.Jules x

Dear Catherine

I am sending condolences to you from all of us at Cancer Chat. You have been with your mum every step of the way and, as Jules has said, it is good to know that she had a peaceful final few days surrounded by her loved ones.

Best wishes to you and your family at this sad time,

Jane

Oh Catherine,

I am so sorry to read this. But I think it just goes to show from the tribute you wrote about your mother, what a wonderful daughter you are and it must have made your mother very proud to have a daughter who loved her as much as you have. Like Jules, I am glad you and the family were able to be with her right to the end. I know the hugely differing range of feelings you talk about as I felt pretty much the same when I lost my mother. I thank you for coming on here to let us know and please come back anytime you want Catherine, for you have made many friends on here over the past few months who will do all we can to help and support you through this most painful time.

Sending my deepest sympathy and condolences both to you and your family, please take care of yourself, Brian

Catherine,

Just to say I am so sorry to hear that you lost your Mother yesterday. You describe her as a wonderful Wife, Mum, Grandma and Mother in Law.  I just want to say I think she must have passed on some of her traits to you as you have written such lovely messages to people (including myself) on here, and it sounds like you are a wonderful daughter to your late Mum.  Thinking about you and your family at this terrible time.  I hope and pray that the day will come very soon that people dont have to lose their lives to this awful illness.   Kathryn x  

Jules, Brian, Kathryn and all others who have replied to me previously,

Thank you so much for your words of kindness and comfort,.  The last few days have been impossibly hard, but I have found that the kindness and thoughts of others, and in particular those who have gone through this, have helped so much.

I will certainly stay in touch on this forum, as will never forget the support of you all, and as alwasy wish you all the very best.

Take care,

Catherine xx