Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

Hopewells - I am  sorry to hear about both your Mum and your little brother, although good news that he is on the mend, and am sorry you are going through all this at such a young age.  I wish you well with all that lies ahead.  I take on board what you say about feeling lucky for the time I have had with my Mum, but that doesn't necessarily make what she is going through any easier to deal with - with things like this, it's probably best not to try and compare who is luckier than who, as when you are going through it, I'm sure it's just as hard for all of us for many different reasons and in many different ways.  Thank you for your advice and your prayers and for sharing your story.

Mickied - thanks also for your reply, you are absolutely right that the only way to deal with this is to live one day at a time, and I absolutely have to focus on doing that.  But you are right that it comes down to the kind of person you are, and just because something like this happens, you can't suddently change the way you feel or react to things.  I wish you all the strength to get through this to, and please stay in touch as  I feel there are some similarities in the way we are feeling and coping.

Brian - a massive thanks to you again, you write so well and manage to say so many of the right things.  Thank you for your wishes.  I am feeling better this week, and planning a few more trips to spend time with Mum  I just want to until we are given some more indication fo what the future holds, and without sounding morbid, would never want to regret not spending time with her - she keeps feeling guilty about us travelling to see her, so I am having a job convincing her that we do it because we want to!  All the very best to you and please stay in touch.

Catherine x

Hi Catherine

As they say life can be so cruel sometimes and it can be very hard to try and get through each day as it comes.  How is your mum keeping and how are you?

I kept your mum in my prayers and discovered last week that a young baby who undergone a heart operation survived and is on the mend so sometimes there is someone listening.

Thank you for the invitation to stay in touch which I promise I will do.

Take care

Mickied

Hello All,

Forgive me for the long and rambling message to follow - am feeling pretty tired and emotional today, so just need to get a few of the thoughts flying round my head down in writing...

The last week has been tough - we had a couple of days with mum and dad before Easter, and it was hard to leave them as I knew it would be.  But we had promised to go and see my in laws, and it was a nice weekend with them.  But so hard to leave Mum, she was wiped out just from a couple of days with us, and I came away with this horrible image of her in  my mind, being a shadow of her former self.  And this was made all the more upsetting as she knows this and hates it too.

I saw my parents briefly after Easter, they had been staying with my brother and stopped here on the way home.  My mum looked even more tired and was in pain from her back and legs, which had been stopping her sleeping well.  We spoke about our forthcoming holiday, and mum said she didn't think she would be able to go, but still wanted us (as in me, my husband and daughter) to go.  I said we wouldn't want to go without them, as would miss them not being there and would rather have the time with them in a different way.  I wanted to avoid an argument, but she really couldn't understand what I was saying and insisted we go, saying she would be even more upset if we didn't.  It was left at that, as I absolutely was not going to argue with her.

I rang my parents yesterday and it was awful - Dad answered and when he heard my voice, he just broke down.  I was terrified, as could not establish for some time whether something specific had happened.  Mum has apparently been really suffering this week - wiped out tired, in pain, not sleeping and breathless and energy less.  I feel so useless being so far away, and just don't know what to do or think. I think it just hit dad really hard as was a bit of a harsh reminder of what is happening and what lies ahead.  Mum has decided to go ahead with a very aggressive course of treatment, and I think we are all afraid how she will react, how much she will suffer and whether it will do any good anyway.

My mind is in turmoil today - the holiday is not important to me, but I'm afraid of upsetting mum if we don't go, I know if we go I will regret it as would regret not spending the time with her. And I'm worried about saying this to her as don't want it to come across that I know we only have limited time left to spend with her.  And how can I help more with day to day care for her, we live 3 hours away, work are understanding but only to a point, and anyway, it just seems that being with us is too much for mum as leaves her so tired.  My mum feels my daughter should be my priority, and of course I do not want to do anything that detracts from my care for her, but it just seems like maybe mum needs care even more at the moment.  I want to keep everyone happy, but don't want to do things I know I will regret in order to keep the peace.

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this rant.

Best wishes to everyone out there,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine,

You have no need to apologise about rambling or ranting, for this site is the ideal place to do that. I'm often guilty of rambling anyway. 

One of the things I have found about cancer is it turns our lives upside down and causes us great problems regarding making the right choices. It sounds like you have one of those problems right now and whichever choice you make, you may feel guilty or that you have been talked into making a choice you are not happy making. You are in such a difficult situation and I do feel for you.

To know that your dear mother is suffering and getting weaker and that it's upsetting you dad so much must be very painful for you even more so as you don't live close by.     I can tell by what you have written it is taking a big toll on you too Catherine, and you do have to look after yourself too. I hate the way cancer plays so much havoc with our emotions. You have a very delicate balancing act to try and keep the peace and keep everyone happy as you have said.

Please take care, Thinking of you Brian

Hi  Catherine,

I know how difficult that 'holiday question' is and the inner turmoil in brings. Going back just over five years my Dad had planned and paid for a holiday for the whole family to enjoy knowing he only had months at most (prostate/lung cancer). We agreed to go because it would be his last holiday. 3 days before departure he told us he and Mum would not be coming but he insisted (just like your Mum) that he wanted to have the memory of us going away and enjoying ourselves because normal life must continue for those who can manage it. I too was devasted at this thought but we talked and it became apparent it would upset him more if we did not go. We went and I hated every minute of it though the rest of the family rallied round and we did our best. 5 days later I returned to see my Dad and he was eager to hear all about it and how had we enjoyed ourselves.  I was truthful, said the place/hotel etc was lovely and I thanked him for sending us on holiday but I spent all the time worrying about him back at home.  He understood what I was saying but our holiday photos gave him such pleasure in his final weeks that I realised the holiday was not just for  us  but for him too.  Its so hard when you love someone  to be apart and all families are different but in the end I was grateful to my Dad for being so open, letting me continue with my life which to him was far more important as he had lived his as he wanted to and wanted the same for me.

I hate the cancer journey (now doing it with my hubby) but my Dad's outlook on life has left its mark and though my husband is terminal we dont know how long he has  and so we carry on as normal as possible, visiting friends when we want to and having them to us when we can manage it.  Hubby tires easily and some visits are shorter than others. We have to be guided by his feelings as he know how he feels. I still have my nights out (though I am always at the end of the phone).

Brian's right its so hard being a watcher and it takes its toll on us all. Come and rant whenever you need to. You have to unload somewhere and better on the forum than getting upset when you see your Mum.  My hubby tried the aggressive route of treatment (saying he would give anything a go to lengthen his quality of life) and it was never a cure option but we hope he will have longer with us in better health. He is on slow release pain relief and suffers breathlessness when he walks or tackles the stairs but  he knows what he wants and no doubt will give me orders when the time comes.

Please take care of yourself. We all know we cant be in two places at once as much as that would solve so many problems.  Thinking of you during this difficult journey as one of the many going through hell. virtual hugs being sent your way.

Hi Catherine

Sorry I am only getting back to you today after reading your message.  I truly hope that this new course of treatment is a success for your mum Catherine.  I am still praying for her every night so hopefully someone is listening to me.

In relation to the holiday I am afraid that is one decision you have to make yourself.  Do you go but if you are anything like me you wouldn't even enjoy it but everyone is different.

It sounds like Catherine your mum is trying to prepare you for when she is no longer here pointing out to you that your daughter is your main priority.

I remember my uncle doing the same before my granny died.  He was telling my mum that she had to put us first as her family now as she spent her life looking after my granny as she was the youngest of the family.  I can feel myself filling up writing this Catherine and God only knows what is going through your mind at the minute.

Don't you think for one minute you are ranting you are just being honest with the people who know what you are going through.

Take care and thinking about you.

Mickied

Hi All, Brian, Jules and Mickied in particular,and thank you all so much for your kind replies.

Jules, thanks for sharing the story of your Dad and the holiday, but so sorry to hear you have been so touched by cancer already, as well as now going through it with your husband.  Your words about the holiday have been really helpful (see below) .  You are so right that you just have to carry on as normal every day that you can, and it always sounds like your husband has reached a good place mentally which I hope gives you peace of mind as well.

We've had a pretty tough week again, but after much talking and heartache, we have now decided to go ahead with the holiday.  The compromise is that I am up with mum and dad at the moment, and we are going to take some extra time off work after the holiday to come and spend a long weekend with them over the bank holiday.  As you said with your Dad Jules, it became apparent that Mum would be more upset if we didn't go.  I'm still not sure, but I am trying to look on it as time with my husband and daughter as well, and there is never quite enough of that in amongst work and everything else.

Mickied - I think you are right, that Mum is trying to make sure the 3 of us stay strong as a family, partly because it eases her mind to think of us being happy and settled, but also as you say preparation for when she is no longer here to look after her little girl...!  Thank you so much for your continued prayers, it's really feeling at the moment like we need them more than ever.

Brian - thank you as well for getting in touch, you are right that this is taking quite a toll on me - I am not sleeping at all well, especially the last few nights, so I know I need to get on top of that.  I had a long chat with mum last Friday, which was the day she met her Macmillan nurse - it was so weird, in some ways I felt so much better knowing that someone so caring and capable is looking after Mum, but in some ways it was the one thing that really brought home to me what is happening.  I am just pleased to be here with mum today and tomorrow - it is hard as she has deteriorated so much since I saw her just over 2 weeks ago, but we are really hoping that the new treatment, hard as it is, will improve some of her symptoms.  Keeping everything crossed.

Thank you again to all of you, and thinking of you all,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine,

Thanks for updating us. Hope you are soon able to get to sleep better as lack of sleep has an accumulative effect. But I am so glad you have been able to have a good talk to your mother. It is so hard  to see someone we love slowly getting worse as I know all to well with my own mother. I do hope the treatment works for your mother and she doesn't have many side effects. Please take care, sending best wishes to you and all your family, Brian.

Hi Catherine

Still hoping and praying that the new treatment will be a complete success for your mum.

I hope you have a nice holiday Catherine the three of you.

I felt the same whenever a hospice nurse called to see my father-in-law it started to hit home but not with my husband he was in total denial of his father having cancer.

I think he was trying to hold on to every piece of hope he could find.

Take care and chat soon

Mickied

Hello Everyone,

It's been a while since I wrote on here, we took the holiday that caused so much worry and work has been crazy, which in many ways has provided some distraction from what has been happening with Mum.

All,in all, and despite all the heartache prior to going,  I think it was the right thing to do - it was not the holiday we had hoped for, but I found the quiet time away with my husband and daughter therapeutic and relaxing.

Mum was admitted to hospital around the time we went away - I was up with her before we went, and she was deteriorating quite noticably, really short of breath, increased pain and just unable to find any energy to do anything.  She briefly started the aggressive treatment option, but this triggered what happened next.  Later that week, sher breathing had got bad to the point she couldn't move - she was seen by a GP who just said she needed oxygen for her breathing, and when this made no difference, her oncologist advised her to go to A&E, and upon admission to the hospital she was found to have blood clots and fluid on her lungs, neither of which have been fully solved in the time that has gone by, and in fact she has deteriorated further due to picking up an infection.

So we are now in the situation where after 3 weeks in hospital, my darling mum is today being moved to a hospice.  The doctors have said they want to carry on treating her for the fluid and infection, so it is a hospice linked to a medical unit, but they have warned us to prepare for time being short - a matter of weeks, or possibly days if they cannot get on top of her current condition.

I think I have slipped into disbelief - I know what is happening, but it's like it isn't - is this self-preservation kicking in, because if I start to believe it, I will fall apart?  I'm barely crying, because I am scared that if I start, I won't stop.  I know there are so many of you out there who have gone through this, and I want to be as strong and brave as you, but I don't know if I can be.

I am really trying though - I still daily think of how wonderful my mum is, and how wonderful my life has been because of her.  We had a long bank holiday weekend with them last weekend, and I was able to visit mum in hospital alone a couple of times, and we just chatted as we always did, and although touched on the obvious subject, mainly tried to stay away from it.  I will always cherish those moments now.

I am trying to do as much to be of use, and help her but nothing feels enough compared to the size of what is happening.  I am so sad that my Mum has done everything that was suggested to help, and these have in fact made her worse - there is suggestion that the chemo has knocked her immune system to the point that she cannot fight off this infection.  I said all along, when Mum seemed well for a few months, that I feared a rapid deterioration and this is what's happened.

I'm not sure I've said on here before, but my mum and dad had a 'trip of a lifetime' planned for January, a 5 week Carribean cruise - I so wish they had gone, and not done the chemo which didn't work.  I keep thinkking of this, I know it is the beauty of hindsight thing, but I can't help thinking I would feel better if they'd had that one amazing exerience together before my mum goes.

I'm rambling, just pouring out what is going through my mind, but I know you  lovely people won't mind!  Thanks as always to anyone who reads and replies, to know you are out there and taking the time really helps

Love to all xxx

Hi Catherine

I had been thinking about you lately and now this news about your poor mum.  I am glad you went on holiday.  It gave you and your family some time to be together.

I am glad the oncologist advised your mum to go to her A & E Dept where they were able to treat your mum.  My heart goes out to you after hearing they have now transferred your mum to a hospice.

I hope they can treat your mum here for the infection to give her a bit more time with her family.

You are just on a rollercoaster at the minute Catherine everything is just too much to take in sometimes.  It is only when we are faced with situations like yours we start to see the real us.

We panic about are we strong enough to cope with what lies ahead and only you can answer that question.  Just enjoy the time you have left with your mum Catherine and cherish every moment.

With cancer Catherine we never know what is round the corner and an infection setting in can set a person back. 

I am still keeping you and your mum in my prayers and thoughts.

Take care

Mickied

Hi Catherine,

I am so sorry to hear about your mothers deteriation. I can so relate to what you said about it's happening but it feels like it isn't. It almost like it is happening to someone else. When my mother reach the stage your mother is at, I felt so useless as I was powerless to stop what was unfolding before me. Even though I had lots of support from my family, I did feel so alone. I was a weird feeling and one I cant fully explain. You say you don't know if you can be brave and strong, but you will of that I am sure. You say you are trying to avoid crying Catherine and I do understand why you say that. But please don't bottle it up too much for crying is natures safety valve that lets us shed some of those pent of feelings that tend to pile up much like a log jam. It better to release them a little at a time.

Please take care , will be thinking of you and anytime you want to chat you know where to come.

Sending best wishes to you and your family, Brian

Hi Catherine,

I am so sorry to hear about your mothers deteriation. I can so relate to what you said about it's happening but it feels like it isn't. It almost like it is happening to someone else. When my mother reach the stage your mother is at, I felt so useless as I was powerless to stop what was unfolding before me. Even though I had lots of support from my family, I did feel so alone. I was a weird feeling and one I cant fully explain. You say you don't know if you can be brave and strong, but you will of that I am sure. You say you are trying to avoid crying Catherine and I do understand why you say that. But please don't bottle it up too much for crying is natures safety valve that lets us shed some of those pent of feelings that tend to pile up much like a log jam. It better to release them a little at a time.

Please take care , will be thinking of you and anytime you want to chat you know where to come.

Sending best wishes to you and your family, Brian

Hello Brian - like Jules, you always find the right words to help me look at things in a better light, so thank you.  I know you have both lost parents, so can really relate to what I am feeling and going through so I know your words are heartfelt.

You mention about a weird feeling, which is exactly what I feel now - like you say, powerless in one way, but I have just been saying to my husband that I feel strangely calm.  I think it is partly the self-preservation thing I mentioned earlier, like not letting myself get onto the downward spiral of falling apart.  But it is also that in some ways it feels like all the turmoil of the fight is coming to an end, and the important thing now is for mum to be calm and comfortable, and knowing that she is helps me too.  Difficult to explain, but some of the way I am feeling now is unexpected.

Thank you for your words about crying, I promise not to bottle it up, but to be honest just talking abd writing on here lets me get a lot of the emotion out.  I do find that I get very choked when I speak about it, but am fortunate to be surrounded by people who care so much that they don't mind me sharing how I feel.  LIkewise, all you lovely people on here are very ease to share with.

Thank you again Brian, for your words today and previously.  And I must ask, how is your father doing now?  And you, as I know this cancer battle has affected you personally as well?

All the very best,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine,

Thanks once again for your kind words. The hospital finally found out my father had a twisted bowel which got worse at times. They finally operated on him and he is now home recuperating. It has taken a lot out of him as he is still very weak. I am both amazed and proud of him as next month he will be 91. To have been in and out of hospital 11 times since October and still not have given in shows the fighting spirit he has.

As for me I have had the results of my latest blood test a couple of weeks ago and my PSA is still the lowest that can be measured at 0.01. That make it sixteen months in a row now. My diabetes and cholesterol are also very good so I feel I am so very lucky to have such good results.

Thank you for asking Catherine when I know you have enough problems of you own. I am so glad I found this site, nearly a year ago now as I have met so many wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate people like Jules and yourself and so many others. Talking to you all is a real privilege.

Have a great wekend, and thanks once again for your kind words. Best wishes to you and your family, Brian.

Brian,

Apologies for the delayed reply, but I read the wonderful news of your Dad's and your own progress with much happiness.  Long may it last for both of you.

I couldn't agree more with your words about how good it was to find this site, and what a difference it has made to share stories with so many people.  It always makes me feel better to think that people will take the time to help, and for that I am grateful.

We are in a better place than a week ago - the future is completely uncertain for my mum, in terms of time, but she is at ease and comfortable and rested and in a wonderful hospice where she is getting amazing care.  I've been with her as much as possible, and will be going again this weekend.

For now, things are as good as they can be under the circumstances and for that we have to take comfort.

Thanks again for all your words of support,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine,

There is absolutely no need to apologize for you have so many thing to worry about. I feel glad your mother is in a good hospice. I found out when my mother was in one, they are better at administering pain relife far better than a hospital. And the staff seem to have more time to spend with the patient.

So I am very pleased to hear your mother is at ease. This must be a big relief for you but you must feel tired from all the travelling you are doing. I hope this period of peace for your dear mother continues and that she increases in strength as a result. It is so hard when our loved ones future is uncertain for we cant make plans.

I felt my mother would be here forever and I do still miss her. She would be so proud of her great grandchildren and is missing seeing them grow up. But I have met up with my sister twice in the last week or ,and who only lives about 1 1/2 hours drive from where I live and who I knew nothing about until about twenty years ago. My mother had to have her adopted when she was a young baby and I only found out about her after finding my father in Canada. I spent last Sunday walking round a National Trust garden with her and several times things she said reminded me so much of my mother. She has the same zany sense of humour as my mother so although she never met my mother until I managed to locate her about twenty years ago, I feel a part of my mother lives on in my sister.

Anyway I have rambled enough for one day. Please take care and I send best wishes to you, you mother and family, Brian.

Hi Brian,

Like you, I thought Mum would be here forever, it is only really when something like this happens that you realise that we are all here for quite short time really, and that we are very dependent emotionally on our loved ones.  It's that reason that makes me feel so vulnerable when I think of mum not being here.  But as you say, I often think of your words about parents living on in their children and it was lovely to read your story of your sister, who is proof of this.  It sounds like you have had  some big events happen in your life, some very happy and some very sad, but I am sure these have all helped make you the very kind and wise man you so clearly are!

Thank you for all your good wishes,

Catherine x