Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

Hopewells - I am  sorry to hear about both your Mum and your little brother, although good news that he is on the mend, and am sorry you are going through all this at such a young age.  I wish you well with all that lies ahead.  I take on board what you say about feeling lucky for the time I have had with my Mum, but that doesn't necessarily make what she is going through any easier to deal with - with things like this, it's probably best not to try and compare who is luckier than who, as when you are going through it, I'm sure it's just as hard for all of us for many different reasons and in many different ways.  Thank you for your advice and your prayers and for sharing your story.

Mickied - thanks also for your reply, you are absolutely right that the only way to deal with this is to live one day at a time, and I absolutely have to focus on doing that.  But you are right that it comes down to the kind of person you are, and just because something like this happens, you can't suddently change the way you feel or react to things.  I wish you all the strength to get through this to, and please stay in touch as  I feel there are some similarities in the way we are feeling and coping.

Brian - a massive thanks to you again, you write so well and manage to say so many of the right things.  Thank you for your wishes.  I am feeling better this week, and planning a few more trips to spend time with Mum  I just want to until we are given some more indication fo what the future holds, and without sounding morbid, would never want to regret not spending time with her - she keeps feeling guilty about us travelling to see her, so I am having a job convincing her that we do it because we want to!  All the very best to you and please stay in touch.

Catherine x

Hi Catherine

As they say life can be so cruel sometimes and it can be very hard to try and get through each day as it comes.  How is your mum keeping and how are you?

I kept your mum in my prayers and discovered last week that a young baby who undergone a heart operation survived and is on the mend so sometimes there is someone listening.

Thank you for the invitation to stay in touch which I promise I will do.

Take care

Mickied

Hi  Catherine,

I know how difficult that 'holiday question' is and the inner turmoil in brings. Going back just over five years my Dad had planned and paid for a holiday for the whole family to enjoy knowing he only had months at most (prostate/lung cancer). We agreed to go because it would be his last holiday. 3 days before departure he told us he and Mum would not be coming but he insisted (just like your Mum) that he wanted to have the memory of us going away and enjoying ourselves because normal life must continue for those who can manage it. I too was devasted at this thought but we talked and it became apparent it would upset him more if we did not go. We went and I hated every minute of it though the rest of the family rallied round and we did our best. 5 days later I returned to see my Dad and he was eager to hear all about it and how had we enjoyed ourselves.  I was truthful, said the place/hotel etc was lovely and I thanked him for sending us on holiday but I spent all the time worrying about him back at home.  He understood what I was saying but our holiday photos gave him such pleasure in his final weeks that I realised the holiday was not just for  us  but for him too.  Its so hard when you love someone  to be apart and all families are different but in the end I was grateful to my Dad for being so open, letting me continue with my life which to him was far more important as he had lived his as he wanted to and wanted the same for me.

I hate the cancer journey (now doing it with my hubby) but my Dad's outlook on life has left its mark and though my husband is terminal we dont know how long he has  and so we carry on as normal as possible, visiting friends when we want to and having them to us when we can manage it.  Hubby tires easily and some visits are shorter than others. We have to be guided by his feelings as he know how he feels. I still have my nights out (though I am always at the end of the phone).

Brian's right its so hard being a watcher and it takes its toll on us all. Come and rant whenever you need to. You have to unload somewhere and better on the forum than getting upset when you see your Mum.  My hubby tried the aggressive route of treatment (saying he would give anything a go to lengthen his quality of life) and it was never a cure option but we hope he will have longer with us in better health. He is on slow release pain relief and suffers breathlessness when he walks or tackles the stairs but  he knows what he wants and no doubt will give me orders when the time comes.

Please take care of yourself. We all know we cant be in two places at once as much as that would solve so many problems.  Thinking of you during this difficult journey as one of the many going through hell. virtual hugs being sent your way.

Hi Catherine

Sorry I am only getting back to you today after reading your message.  I truly hope that this new course of treatment is a success for your mum Catherine.  I am still praying for her every night so hopefully someone is listening to me.

In relation to the holiday I am afraid that is one decision you have to make yourself.  Do you go but if you are anything like me you wouldn't even enjoy it but everyone is different.

It sounds like Catherine your mum is trying to prepare you for when she is no longer here pointing out to you that your daughter is your main priority.

I remember my uncle doing the same before my granny died.  He was telling my mum that she had to put us first as her family now as she spent her life looking after my granny as she was the youngest of the family.  I can feel myself filling up writing this Catherine and God only knows what is going through your mind at the minute.

Don't you think for one minute you are ranting you are just being honest with the people who know what you are going through.

Take care and thinking about you.

Mickied

Hi All, Brian, Jules and Mickied in particular,and thank you all so much for your kind replies.

Jules, thanks for sharing the story of your Dad and the holiday, but so sorry to hear you have been so touched by cancer already, as well as now going through it with your husband.  Your words about the holiday have been really helpful (see below) .  You are so right that you just have to carry on as normal every day that you can, and it always sounds like your husband has reached a good place mentally which I hope gives you peace of mind as well.

We've had a pretty tough week again, but after much talking and heartache, we have now decided to go ahead with the holiday.  The compromise is that I am up with mum and dad at the moment, and we are going to take some extra time off work after the holiday to come and spend a long weekend with them over the bank holiday.  As you said with your Dad Jules, it became apparent that Mum would be more upset if we didn't go.  I'm still not sure, but I am trying to look on it as time with my husband and daughter as well, and there is never quite enough of that in amongst work and everything else.

Mickied - I think you are right, that Mum is trying to make sure the 3 of us stay strong as a family, partly because it eases her mind to think of us being happy and settled, but also as you say preparation for when she is no longer here to look after her little girl...!  Thank you so much for your continued prayers, it's really feeling at the moment like we need them more than ever.

Brian - thank you as well for getting in touch, you are right that this is taking quite a toll on me - I am not sleeping at all well, especially the last few nights, so I know I need to get on top of that.  I had a long chat with mum last Friday, which was the day she met her Macmillan nurse - it was so weird, in some ways I felt so much better knowing that someone so caring and capable is looking after Mum, but in some ways it was the one thing that really brought home to me what is happening.  I am just pleased to be here with mum today and tomorrow - it is hard as she has deteriorated so much since I saw her just over 2 weeks ago, but we are really hoping that the new treatment, hard as it is, will improve some of her symptoms.  Keeping everything crossed.

Thank you again to all of you, and thinking of you all,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine,

Thanks for updating us. Hope you are soon able to get to sleep better as lack of sleep has an accumulative effect. But I am so glad you have been able to have a good talk to your mother. It is so hard  to see someone we love slowly getting worse as I know all to well with my own mother. I do hope the treatment works for your mother and she doesn't have many side effects. Please take care, sending best wishes to you and all your family, Brian.

Hi Catherine

Still hoping and praying that the new treatment will be a complete success for your mum.

I hope you have a nice holiday Catherine the three of you.

I felt the same whenever a hospice nurse called to see my father-in-law it started to hit home but not with my husband he was in total denial of his father having cancer.

I think he was trying to hold on to every piece of hope he could find.

Take care and chat soon

Mickied

Hello Everyone,

It's been a while since I wrote on here, we took the holiday that caused so much worry and work has been crazy, which in many ways has provided some distraction from what has been happening with Mum.

All,in all, and despite all the heartache prior to going,  I think it was the right thing to do - it was not the holiday we had hoped for, but I found the quiet time away with my husband and daughter therapeutic and relaxing.

Mum was admitted to hospital around the time we went away - I was up with her before we went, and she was deteriorating quite noticably, really short of breath, increased pain and just unable to find any energy to do anything.  She briefly started the aggressive treatment option, but this triggered what happened next.  Later that week, sher breathing had got bad to the point she couldn't move - she was seen by a GP who just said she needed oxygen for her breathing, and when this made no difference, her oncologist advised her to go to A&E, and upon admission to the hospital she was found to have blood clots and fluid on her lungs, neither of which have been fully solved in the time that has gone by, and in fact she has deteriorated further due to picking up an infection.

So we are now in the situation where after 3 weeks in hospital, my darling mum is today being moved to a hospice.  The doctors have said they want to carry on treating her for the fluid and infection, so it is a hospice linked to a medical unit, but they have warned us to prepare for time being short - a matter of weeks, or possibly days if they cannot get on top of her current condition.

I think I have slipped into disbelief - I know what is happening, but it's like it isn't - is this self-preservation kicking in, because if I start to believe it, I will fall apart?  I'm barely crying, because I am scared that if I start, I won't stop.  I know there are so many of you out there who have gone through this, and I want to be as strong and brave as you, but I don't know if I can be.

I am really trying though - I still daily think of how wonderful my mum is, and how wonderful my life has been because of her.  We had a long bank holiday weekend with them last weekend, and I was able to visit mum in hospital alone a couple of times, and we just chatted as we always did, and although touched on the obvious subject, mainly tried to stay away from it.  I will always cherish those moments now.

I am trying to do as much to be of use, and help her but nothing feels enough compared to the size of what is happening.  I am so sad that my Mum has done everything that was suggested to help, and these have in fact made her worse - there is suggestion that the chemo has knocked her immune system to the point that she cannot fight off this infection.  I said all along, when Mum seemed well for a few months, that I feared a rapid deterioration and this is what's happened.

I'm not sure I've said on here before, but my mum and dad had a 'trip of a lifetime' planned for January, a 5 week Carribean cruise - I so wish they had gone, and not done the chemo which didn't work.  I keep thinkking of this, I know it is the beauty of hindsight thing, but I can't help thinking I would feel better if they'd had that one amazing exerience together before my mum goes.

I'm rambling, just pouring out what is going through my mind, but I know you  lovely people won't mind!  Thanks as always to anyone who reads and replies, to know you are out there and taking the time really helps

Love to all xxx

Hi Catherine

I had been thinking about you lately and now this news about your poor mum.  I am glad you went on holiday.  It gave you and your family some time to be together.

I am glad the oncologist advised your mum to go to her A & E Dept where they were able to treat your mum.  My heart goes out to you after hearing they have now transferred your mum to a hospice.

I hope they can treat your mum here for the infection to give her a bit more time with her family.

You are just on a rollercoaster at the minute Catherine everything is just too much to take in sometimes.  It is only when we are faced with situations like yours we start to see the real us.

We panic about are we strong enough to cope with what lies ahead and only you can answer that question.  Just enjoy the time you have left with your mum Catherine and cherish every moment.

With cancer Catherine we never know what is round the corner and an infection setting in can set a person back. 

I am still keeping you and your mum in my prayers and thoughts.

Take care

Mickied

Hi Catherine,

I am so sorry to hear about your mothers deteriation. I can so relate to what you said about it's happening but it feels like it isn't. It almost like it is happening to someone else. When my mother reach the stage your mother is at, I felt so useless as I was powerless to stop what was unfolding before me. Even though I had lots of support from my family, I did feel so alone. I was a weird feeling and one I cant fully explain. You say you don't know if you can be brave and strong, but you will of that I am sure. You say you are trying to avoid crying Catherine and I do understand why you say that. But please don't bottle it up too much for crying is natures safety valve that lets us shed some of those pent of feelings that tend to pile up much like a log jam. It better to release them a little at a time.

Please take care , will be thinking of you and anytime you want to chat you know where to come.

Sending best wishes to you and your family, Brian

Hiya Catherine,

Bless you for having the strength to post here after what must have been a nightmare of a few weeks.  Am so sorry to read that your poor Mum (who so much wanted to fight to live) has been unfotunate enough to suffer from the consequences of treatment. My hubby was the same but has always said that you have to try as if it works it can make a difference.  She still sounds an amazing lady and keep having those chats when you can manage visiting , they mean so much. As you say hindsight is a wonderful thing a regards the holiday of a lifetime she may have taken with your Dad but in her heart she wanted to try and extend her life and she felt it was the right choice.  Maybe too she was worried about being away from home in case she became ill (my hubby does not feel 'safe' at the thought of travelling for holidays now so we have resigned ourselves to a back garden summer should he stay stable). I think you will find the move to the hospice a much more peaceful place than a general hospital (My Dad always said they were so friendly and understanding when he went in both for respite for my Mum and towards the end some three months later).  They are a special breed of staff  there and seem to encompass the whole family.  Also feel free to come and ramble whenever you need to offload - we all do it and I am sure it helps to write down how you feel. Believe you me I  have often typed in tears as I am sure many others do to - its a release valve that can come on at the most unexpected times and there is no right or wrong time to cry.

I am pleased that you managed that holiday with your husband and daughter. I am sure it  was a strange experience in many ways as your head would be in one place and your  heart in another but your daughter and other half need you to as much as you need them.  Wishing you all a peaceful weekend and know that the forum is always here to listen.  Sending virtual hugs.  Jules

Hello Jules,

Thanks so much as always for finding the time to reply, and for finding the right things to say to ease some of the painful thoughts I've been having throughout this.  You are right about my parents cancelled holiday, and my husband has said much the same thing - would we ever have rested knowing she had opted to do that instead of start the treatment, and would she have enjoyed it anyway.  It is painful now but at the time, was the right thing to do.

We have all said that we feel somewhat calmer that she is now in a hospice, it is partly for respite care as well as the fact that time is so uncertain - she was on a manic hospital ward for 3 weeks, and the lack of proper rest has wiped her out so we are hoping that a calmer environment will give her more strength and peace of mind, but it really is a one day at a time thing.  I will take comfort from your Dad's words, and know from experience with my Grandad that they are a very special place, and in many ways provide care for the family as well.

I wanted to say a particular thank you to you for your words about mum sounding like an amazing lady - sometimes when I have written on here, I am conscious that it is about me and how I feel, and I very much want to convey in all this that my mum is a wonderful person and your words bring me some comfort that maybe I have communicated that more than I think.

Your are also completely right that the holiday was a good thing to do - it made me realise that emotionally, I probably have been a bit distant from my husband and daughter, and it also reminded me how lucky I am to have them and that time with them is precious.

I understand your husband's wish to stay close to home, and I am sure we are due a beautiful summer (after the awful winter we have had) so will keep everything crossed for you that the weather is kind and that he remains well, and you can have some lovely warm and lazy days in your garden.

My dad has just called whilst I was writing this message (we decided to head up tomorrow to give my mum time to get settled and get some much needed rest), and has said they both feel so calm now mum is in the hospice (St Barnabas in Lincoln) - dad is already over-whelmed with the kindness and care of the staff, and this really helps.

A big thank you again, and take care,

Catherine x

Hello Jules,

Thanks so much as always for finding the time to reply, and for finding the right things to say to ease some of the painful thoughts I've been having throughout this.  You are right about my parents cancelled holiday, and my husband has said much the same thing - would we ever have rested knowing she had opted to do that instead of start the treatment, and would she have enjoyed it anyway.  It is painful now but at the time, was the right thing to do.

We have all said that we feel somewhat calmer that she is now in a hospice, it is partly for respite care as well as the fact that time is so uncertain - she was on a manic hospital ward for 3 weeks, and the lack of proper rest has wiped her out so we are hoping that a calmer environment will give her more strength and peace of mind, but it really is a one day at a time thing.  I will take comfort from your Dad's words, and know from experience with my Grandad that they are a very special place, and in many ways provide care for the family as well.

I wanted to say a particular thank you to you for your words about mum sounding like an amazing lady - sometimes when I have written on here, I am conscious that it is about me and how I feel, and I very much want to convey in all this that my mum is a wonderful person and your words bring me some comfort that maybe I have communicated that more than I think.

Your are also completely right that the holiday was a good thing to do - it made me realise that emotionally, I probably have been a bit distant from my husband and daughter, and it also reminded me how lucky I am to have them and that time with them is precious.

I understand your husband's wish to stay close to home, and I am sure we are due a beautiful summer (after the awful winter we have had) so will keep everything crossed for you that the weather is kind and that he remains well, and you can have some lovely warm and lazy days in your garden.

My dad has just called whilst I was writing this message (we decided to head up tomorrow to give my mum time to get settled and get some much needed rest), and has said they both feel so calm now mum is in the hospice (St Barnabas in Lincoln) - dad is already over-whelmed with the kindness and care of the staff, and this really helps.

A big thank you again, and take care,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine

Just read your recent posts to Mickied and Brian (always so supportive to everyone on the forum) and am so pleased to read that your Mum is a lot more comfortable and peaceful in the hospice surroundings.  Somehow it makes visiting that much easier when you feel the warmth from the staff which includes the whole family not matter what your age.  I am also sure that your Mum will feel a lot less like a 'number' and more a real person with real needs (which are addressed) as the staff are very caring and considerate.  Wishing you all a peaceful weekend and a good visit to see your Mum and Dad. virtual hugs and best wishes. Jules

Thanks so much for getting in touch Jules - you are absolutely right, we have all been so much more comfortable visiting Mum this last week, and the hospice staff just work around us and never make us feel like we are in the way.  In fact quite the opposite.  The ratio of staff to patients is pretty much 1 to 1 so the level of care is extremely high and nothing is too much trouble.

Thanks as always for your kind words and the virtual hugs, they are much needed and much appreciated!

Take care and thinking of you and your husband often xx