Hi Catherine,

Thanks for updating us. Hope you are soon able to get to sleep better as lack of sleep has an accumulative effect. But I am so glad you have been able to have a good talk to your mother. It is so hard  to see someone we love slowly getting worse as I know all to well with my own mother. I do hope the treatment works for your mother and she doesn't have many side effects. Please take care, sending best wishes to you and all your family, Brian.

Hi Catherine

Still hoping and praying that the new treatment will be a complete success for your mum.

I hope you have a nice holiday Catherine the three of you.

I felt the same whenever a hospice nurse called to see my father-in-law it started to hit home but not with my husband he was in total denial of his father having cancer.

I think he was trying to hold on to every piece of hope he could find.

Take care and chat soon

Mickied

Hello Everyone,

It's been a while since I wrote on here, we took the holiday that caused so much worry and work has been crazy, which in many ways has provided some distraction from what has been happening with Mum.

All,in all, and despite all the heartache prior to going,  I think it was the right thing to do - it was not the holiday we had hoped for, but I found the quiet time away with my husband and daughter therapeutic and relaxing.

Mum was admitted to hospital around the time we went away - I was up with her before we went, and she was deteriorating quite noticably, really short of breath, increased pain and just unable to find any energy to do anything.  She briefly started the aggressive treatment option, but this triggered what happened next.  Later that week, sher breathing had got bad to the point she couldn't move - she was seen by a GP who just said she needed oxygen for her breathing, and when this made no difference, her oncologist advised her to go to A&E, and upon admission to the hospital she was found to have blood clots and fluid on her lungs, neither of which have been fully solved in the time that has gone by, and in fact she has deteriorated further due to picking up an infection.

So we are now in the situation where after 3 weeks in hospital, my darling mum is today being moved to a hospice.  The doctors have said they want to carry on treating her for the fluid and infection, so it is a hospice linked to a medical unit, but they have warned us to prepare for time being short - a matter of weeks, or possibly days if they cannot get on top of her current condition.

I think I have slipped into disbelief - I know what is happening, but it's like it isn't - is this self-preservation kicking in, because if I start to believe it, I will fall apart?  I'm barely crying, because I am scared that if I start, I won't stop.  I know there are so many of you out there who have gone through this, and I want to be as strong and brave as you, but I don't know if I can be.

I am really trying though - I still daily think of how wonderful my mum is, and how wonderful my life has been because of her.  We had a long bank holiday weekend with them last weekend, and I was able to visit mum in hospital alone a couple of times, and we just chatted as we always did, and although touched on the obvious subject, mainly tried to stay away from it.  I will always cherish those moments now.

I am trying to do as much to be of use, and help her but nothing feels enough compared to the size of what is happening.  I am so sad that my Mum has done everything that was suggested to help, and these have in fact made her worse - there is suggestion that the chemo has knocked her immune system to the point that she cannot fight off this infection.  I said all along, when Mum seemed well for a few months, that I feared a rapid deterioration and this is what's happened.

I'm not sure I've said on here before, but my mum and dad had a 'trip of a lifetime' planned for January, a 5 week Carribean cruise - I so wish they had gone, and not done the chemo which didn't work.  I keep thinkking of this, I know it is the beauty of hindsight thing, but I can't help thinking I would feel better if they'd had that one amazing exerience together before my mum goes.

I'm rambling, just pouring out what is going through my mind, but I know you  lovely people won't mind!  Thanks as always to anyone who reads and replies, to know you are out there and taking the time really helps

Love to all xxx

Hi Catherine

I had been thinking about you lately and now this news about your poor mum.  I am glad you went on holiday.  It gave you and your family some time to be together.

I am glad the oncologist advised your mum to go to her A & E Dept where they were able to treat your mum.  My heart goes out to you after hearing they have now transferred your mum to a hospice.

I hope they can treat your mum here for the infection to give her a bit more time with her family.

You are just on a rollercoaster at the minute Catherine everything is just too much to take in sometimes.  It is only when we are faced with situations like yours we start to see the real us.

We panic about are we strong enough to cope with what lies ahead and only you can answer that question.  Just enjoy the time you have left with your mum Catherine and cherish every moment.

With cancer Catherine we never know what is round the corner and an infection setting in can set a person back. 

I am still keeping you and your mum in my prayers and thoughts.

Take care

Mickied

Hi Catherine,

I am so sorry to hear about your mothers deteriation. I can so relate to what you said about it's happening but it feels like it isn't. It almost like it is happening to someone else. When my mother reach the stage your mother is at, I felt so useless as I was powerless to stop what was unfolding before me. Even though I had lots of support from my family, I did feel so alone. I was a weird feeling and one I cant fully explain. You say you don't know if you can be brave and strong, but you will of that I am sure. You say you are trying to avoid crying Catherine and I do understand why you say that. But please don't bottle it up too much for crying is natures safety valve that lets us shed some of those pent of feelings that tend to pile up much like a log jam. It better to release them a little at a time.

Please take care , will be thinking of you and anytime you want to chat you know where to come.

Sending best wishes to you and your family, Brian

Hiya Catherine,

Bless you for having the strength to post here after what must have been a nightmare of a few weeks.  Am so sorry to read that your poor Mum (who so much wanted to fight to live) has been unfotunate enough to suffer from the consequences of treatment. My hubby was the same but has always said that you have to try as if it works it can make a difference.  She still sounds an amazing lady and keep having those chats when you can manage visiting , they mean so much. As you say hindsight is a wonderful thing a regards the holiday of a lifetime she may have taken with your Dad but in her heart she wanted to try and extend her life and she felt it was the right choice.  Maybe too she was worried about being away from home in case she became ill (my hubby does not feel 'safe' at the thought of travelling for holidays now so we have resigned ourselves to a back garden summer should he stay stable). I think you will find the move to the hospice a much more peaceful place than a general hospital (My Dad always said they were so friendly and understanding when he went in both for respite for my Mum and towards the end some three months later).  They are a special breed of staff  there and seem to encompass the whole family.  Also feel free to come and ramble whenever you need to offload - we all do it and I am sure it helps to write down how you feel. Believe you me I  have often typed in tears as I am sure many others do to - its a release valve that can come on at the most unexpected times and there is no right or wrong time to cry.

I am pleased that you managed that holiday with your husband and daughter. I am sure it  was a strange experience in many ways as your head would be in one place and your  heart in another but your daughter and other half need you to as much as you need them.  Wishing you all a peaceful weekend and know that the forum is always here to listen.  Sending virtual hugs.  Jules

Hello Jules,

Thanks so much as always for finding the time to reply, and for finding the right things to say to ease some of the painful thoughts I've been having throughout this.  You are right about my parents cancelled holiday, and my husband has said much the same thing - would we ever have rested knowing she had opted to do that instead of start the treatment, and would she have enjoyed it anyway.  It is painful now but at the time, was the right thing to do.

We have all said that we feel somewhat calmer that she is now in a hospice, it is partly for respite care as well as the fact that time is so uncertain - she was on a manic hospital ward for 3 weeks, and the lack of proper rest has wiped her out so we are hoping that a calmer environment will give her more strength and peace of mind, but it really is a one day at a time thing.  I will take comfort from your Dad's words, and know from experience with my Grandad that they are a very special place, and in many ways provide care for the family as well.

I wanted to say a particular thank you to you for your words about mum sounding like an amazing lady - sometimes when I have written on here, I am conscious that it is about me and how I feel, and I very much want to convey in all this that my mum is a wonderful person and your words bring me some comfort that maybe I have communicated that more than I think.

Your are also completely right that the holiday was a good thing to do - it made me realise that emotionally, I probably have been a bit distant from my husband and daughter, and it also reminded me how lucky I am to have them and that time with them is precious.

I understand your husband's wish to stay close to home, and I am sure we are due a beautiful summer (after the awful winter we have had) so will keep everything crossed for you that the weather is kind and that he remains well, and you can have some lovely warm and lazy days in your garden.

My dad has just called whilst I was writing this message (we decided to head up tomorrow to give my mum time to get settled and get some much needed rest), and has said they both feel so calm now mum is in the hospice (St Barnabas in Lincoln) - dad is already over-whelmed with the kindness and care of the staff, and this really helps.

A big thank you again, and take care,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine,

Thanks once again for your kind words. The hospital finally found out my father had a twisted bowel which got worse at times. They finally operated on him and he is now home recuperating. It has taken a lot out of him as he is still very weak. I am both amazed and proud of him as next month he will be 91. To have been in and out of hospital 11 times since October and still not have given in shows the fighting spirit he has.

As for me I have had the results of my latest blood test a couple of weeks ago and my PSA is still the lowest that can be measured at 0.01. That make it sixteen months in a row now. My diabetes and cholesterol are also very good so I feel I am so very lucky to have such good results.

Thank you for asking Catherine when I know you have enough problems of you own. I am so glad I found this site, nearly a year ago now as I have met so many wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate people like Jules and yourself and so many others. Talking to you all is a real privilege.

Have a great wekend, and thanks once again for your kind words. Best wishes to you and your family, Brian.

Mickied,

So sorry for not replying to you sooner, but I read your message last week and as always your kind words really did the trick and lifted my spirits.

Suffice to say, life has been somewhat crazy this last week - have been travelling up and down the M1/A46 to Lincoln and back, but it has been worth every minute to spend time with Mum, even when she has been too weak to talk, I've just been able to sit and hold her hand.

The hospice she is in in a wonderful place - I had my husband and daughter with me last weekend, and we were a little worried about a toddler being there but the staff embarced us all and made us so welcome.

All in all, I think she is  in a better place than a week ago - the future is completely uncertain, the docs won't commit, but she is rested and comfortable and at ease with where she is and what is happening.  We couldn't really ask for more under the circumstances.

Thanks again for your support and I hope all is well with you, take care and have a good weekend,

Catherine x