Hi,

I'm sorry you have this burden on your shoulders & your dad is making it harder. I think, if dad is drinking more than is healthy, it may be an idea to contact his GP and voice your worry for his health. Explain how it's affecting your mum's wellbeing in her final days and that you worry that either of them may come to harm from this. 

I hope that seeking help from his GP may help your parents and you, to cope through the coming weeks.

Angie 

Hello Jeffries82.  I was in the same situation as you when my Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  I am the youngest of 3 children and I was still living at home with my Mum, so naturally I became her main carer.  My sisters had their own families to take care of, and whilst I understood that they couldn't be available all the time, I felt angry and resentful towards them, because it seemed that they had practically abandoned me and our Mum. I was working full time, but my employers were very good and they allowed me a lot of compassionate leave so that I could tend to my Mum's needs.  I honestly wish that I could give you some practical advice, but the only thing that I can do is to tell you that I have walked in your shoes and I know exactly how you are feeling.  I can also tell you this for certain:  YOU are the one who will be able to look at yourself in the mirror when your Mum finally passes, and you will know that in your Mum's darkest hour, YOU were the one who stepped up to the plate.  YOUR conscience will be clear.  My thoughts are with you at this terrible time, xx 

My heart goes out to go as you carry this cruel burden alone. I think your father isn’t coping at all. Clearly, he would prefer that you were staying in the same house as he’s frightened and can’t deal with his wife dying so he’s aiming his anger at you. Definitely,speak with the family doctor. You father will go to pieces once you Mummy dies and things could get worse. There’ll be nobody there to support you and you are going to need all the support you can get. 
im glad you’ve shared your story with us as a problem shared us a problem halved.Don’t concern yourself with the state of your home. Time to sort that out later. 
you are an extremely good girl and your mother must be so proud of you. I’m proud of you and I don’t even know you!

Have you asked Marue Currie nurses for help?  They are wonderful and come to a patients home in the evening and watch over the person until early morning when a family member can step in. 
please keep in touch and hopefully we will be able to offer you the hand of friendship. 
Best wishes to your darling Mother. X

Thank you. It does help knowing I’m not the only one that has faced or is going through this. Just am clueless how to move forward.  

Hi thank you for your kind words. We had talked to the palliative care team about a night nurse but mum really doesn’t want one. She doesn’t like the thought of someone in her home all night 

My dad has always been a drinker but as he’s doing today again he’s hiding how much. I’ve been keeping an eye on it tho and it is 1 and a half bottles of whisky in 3-4 days nearly 2 bottles now. There’s no way he’ll speak to anyone about it and my mum feels that she is going to have to talk to him again. I was hoping to go and see some friends tonight as I’ve not seen anyone in weeks again but I’m not leaving her to go out when he's intoxicated. I understand it is hard for him and he’s looking a for an escape but my mum deserves better 

People who rely on drink are weak, that’s the problem. The man simply cannot cope with life at the best of times and definitely not at the worst of times. I’m not standing up for him, I’m trying to help you to understand him. Of course your Mum deserves better but she loves him, he’s her husband for better and worse.   Don’t be afraid to talk to him about this issue.  Explain that you aren’t judging him but that you need his help and support now more than ever. Encourage him to at least cut back on his drinking. Make him understand that his drinking will destroy him if he believes he has let his wife down when she needs him. Imagine the guilt.  The man needs help and support asap. Alcohol is a depressant and can’t begin to help him. Would your brother consider talking to him?  The family need to come together now in more ways than one. Your Mum deserves it. Good luck. X

Hello I'm really sorry you're going through all this, it really sounds like you've had to have and still do have alot of things to deal with. It's easy tomoet everything get on top of you. I'm here if you ever just want to chat n get everything out. Take care

Hello, sounds like a similar situation to mine. My sister is an hour away also, and she is happy to help when she can but the brunt of things lie with me. My Dad has cancer, was diagnosed 4 years ago and has spent the first month of this year in hospital, not sure how he survived. But he did, and he had surgery too which we had been told was out of the question. My Mum has been ill recently. I am trying to work 11 hour days and make sure they are OK ... my Dad has declined with depression and refusing any help with this. I'm so sorry you're going through your situation alone, I don't have a partner either and it is so hard to deal with the emotional stress on your own. I'm also the youngest and taking everything on, making the decisions, helping with as much as I can but neglecting myself. It takes it's toll doesn't it? It's important to try to find a bit of time for you - I know that's hard but please try. 

OK, having now read that your dad was already a drinker & that it's now become worse with your mum's prognosis, I wanted to share my personal experience of a similar situation.

My husband, in his 50's, started to drink heavily after losing the job he loved (due to ill health retirement). Nothing or no one could stop him, believe me I and his children tried over a 2 year period. Even when I was diagnosed with cancer it made him drink more, not less. That's because alcoholics (and I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like your dad is one) don't have the capacity to think straight like we think they should. It's an illness & their body craves the drink so that they feel better, regardless of what is going on around them. It took me having to throw my husband out to fend for himself for him, one day, to have the realisation that he didn't like the feeling of being drunk anymore & he wanted to get back on track. It cost him a lot of money to get private help because the NHS help is rubbish but that was 28 years ago and he hasn't had a drink since.

My point is - sadly neither you, your mum or your siblings can get him to stop drinking. It can only come from him. If you try to get him to seek help & he does, that's great, but if his heart isn't in it he won't stick to keeping sober. Meanwhile he is already ruining his own health with all the alcohol, especially spirits, he's consuming. Your mum must be worn down with her cancer & her worry about your dad. Without him realising, he's making your mum's last days worse and she will feel terrible that he's not really there for her.

The only advice I can give is that you & your sister speak to your brother in Australia & make a joint decision how to face this. Once made, you quietly sit with your mum & tell her that you understand the stress dad is putting her through and ask her what she would like to happen to make her last weeks comfortable. If none of you have ever sat down with mum & spoken about this it may be a relief to her to talk about it. She's been bearing this on her shoulders for a long time &, believe me, it's a lonely burden. If mum doesn't want to talk about it or doesn't want to make a decision about it, then you will have to follow her wishes and try and keep dad in the background. Would mum consider going in a hospice when the time is close to her passing? 

You are now being asked to, not only care for mum, but keep dad on a short leash so he doesn't upset mum. It's too much for you to do on your own & you have to make that clear to your sister because , if you don't get more help, your own health is going to suffer. Do you have an aunt, uncle or good friend of mum's who can come in for a few hours here & there to help sit with mum and keep dad at arm's length? 

It may sound cruel but from my personal perspective the people that are important here are mum & you. Don't spend time worrying about dad, he will fend for himself - alcoholics are good at that. At some point in the future you & your siblings will have to worry about dad but it's not at this immediate moment. Here is a link where you can find help for families of an alcoholic https://alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services

Meanwhile, I still think you should involve the family GP (if both mum & dad use the same GP). They may be able to help or put you in touch with services that can help. My heart goes out to you because I know how distressing this is but get some professional help & try to look after yourself. Good luck xx