Hello Bubbles,

I can completely relate. I have crippling health anxiety. Currently writing this from my bed as I've tried getting up this afternoon and felt so ill from.the anxiety that i decided my bed is my safe place! Ive recently been given an urgent 2 week referral too. I found a lump in one breast which is very painful but wasnt too worried..at the time! As soon as my doctor felt my other breast and found another lump I didn't know i had, I immediately went into shut down mode! Barely eaten in the three days since. Not even thirsty. I feel frozen with fear and imagining all sorts (hair loss, death etc!). Im already scared if death and now i just feel debilitated and desperate. Ive tried borrowing some money to book privately but ironically, they're all closed at the weekend, which has made me feel worse. My mum died of ovarian cancer but no ine else in my family has Cancer history so im trying to calm down but instead my brain is on overdrive.

Feel so scared and alone. 

Im thinking of you. Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. Hugs x

Hi Danni your not alone lovely. I’ve been the same in bed unable to get up. Literally crippled with fear. It’s debilitating isn’t it  I would call them Monday to be asked to go on the cancellation list. I’m going to call back too. Let’s try and help each other get through the wait. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum, the trauma of that won’t help your anxiety either. Sending you so much love xxx

Thank you danni you too! Everything your saying feels like me! Flu like, no appetite and tired but I truly think that’s are mental health and not because we have something sinister. Anxiety can make you feel so ill. Please reach out anytime.x

Thank you, and the same goes to you too. Its reassuring to hear all this but at the same time, i wouldn't wish anyone to go through this process or any of it... I know anxiety can cause us to experience psychosomatic symptoms but i think in these cases I find myself preparing for the worst. I just looked on my NHS app to see what the doctor had uploaded and when I saw 'Urgent referral for suspected breast cancer' it made it more real. 

I know they have to say these things to get us seen to quickly to investigate but still anxiety inducing.

I hope you manage some sleep tonight. I use the Balance App, which I find good for some meditation/guided meditation/ breath work for anxiety, if you ever are looking for one. Night night and remember we are all here for you, should you need us xx

That was the same for me Dannii as soon as I saw that on my doctors app I went into complete meltdown, it’s awful. When I joined this app I had to sign to say I accepted that it could cause distress if test results were uploaded before my doctors appointment. Like you I feel I have to prepare myself but I don’t think it’s helpful. Life was a lot simpler without Google! Really sorry to hear about your mum, completely understandable that anything like this triggers you. Xx

Hi Nhj91 I hope you are doing ok. Good idea to join the cancellation list, I’ve joined a private one but also on the NHS list and will take whichever comes up first as this is torture. Hope you are ok x

So sorry to hear you are in this limbo land as well. I’ve been riding that train since last Monday and now every pain, ache or lump is clearly linked to the lump in my breast which means I have firmly given myself the worst diagnosis possible. 
I think modern technology is both a blessing and a curse as I checked my nhs app too and my referral form to the hospital the doctor has ticked the box that says she thinks I likely have cancer and she told me what she felt didn’t feel normal. Well that took my already anxious mind and blew it up completely. I have spent a week googling and poking and prodding my breasts to the point they are so painful, but in my eyes that means bad news. 
logical me takes over for a while and I can just sit back and go it is what it is, there is nothing I can do until I have the tests. This lasts a few hours and then the pit of fear takes over again. 
I have dug into my savings and booked an appt with a private doctor for tomorrow 26th feb as heard nothing yet from the hospital. So this morning all I can think about is tomorrow will dictate my future and I feel sick. 
if I were you I would be contacting the hospital and asking to be put on the cancellation list. Try to relax and breathe. Google is designed to scare us and it works but what we don’t often see are the good news stories. Google BC and every website will give you different stats which doesn’t help so I think we should all step away from the keyboards and breadth! Easier said than done I know but I have my fingers and toes crossed for everyone on this rollercoaster. Xxxx

You are so right Vickie. I really hope you get good news tomorrow, please let us know how you get on. I am on the list for both NHS & private so hopefully one will get a cancellation but I suspect not many people cancel as we are all in limbo waiting. Please let us know how you get on tomorrow, will be thinking of you x

Thank you so much.. apologies.. im getting a little mixed up with this thread! It's hard not to obess with the NHS app and your doctor's account, online! All i can think about is that 9am time tomorrow when I can call the private hospitals to beg for some kind of scan before my thoughts get worse! I tried one online appointment system but the consultant wasnt available until the end of March. 

Thinking of you and hoping your day can be calm xx

Hello Vicki,

Oh goodness...i can totally relate to the obsessive prodding and poking and then the pain and discomfort that follows whilst you make your own mind up as to what is happening! I can find it physically impossible to escape my thoughts.. even to the point where ive googled why my eye is constantly twitching, thinking now it's neurological and everything is being kinked to lumps! 

The sooner we all get some definitive answers, the better! Thinking of you all and please remember to reach out anytime!

Dannii X 

Ps..please let us know how you get on tomorrow!! Thoughts and positivity will be winging their way to you and praying you get some positive news!! Hugs x

Sorry to butt I’m on this one but I found calling the private clinics yielded better appt times with less waiting as you can never be sure how up to date it is online. 
the lady I spoke to was so helpful and kind and advised that I would see whichever consultant I chose for a 20 min appt and they would decide what further tests were needed and the additional costs at each stage. It’s not cheap and bang goes my rainy day fund but to me this is my rainy day. 
I was surprised to find even private clinics are experiencing some delays for appts but I guess with the wait time on the nhs some people are choosing private to get the ball rolling towards whatever the diagnosis is. 
xx

Sorry to butt I’m on this one but I found calling the private clinics yielded better appt times with less waiting as you can never be sure how up to date it is online. 
the lady I spoke to was so helpful and kind and advised that I would see whichever consultant I chose for a 20 min appt and they would decide what further tests were needed and the additional costs at each stage. It’s not cheap and bang goes my rainy day fund but to me this is my rainy day. 
I was surprised to find even private clinics are experiencing some delays for appts but I guess with the wait time on the nhs some people are choosing private to get the ball rolling towards whatever the diagnosis is. 
xx

Oh no.. you'll never be butting in! And please don't apologise, Vicki! And advice and chat is completely welcomed and much appreciated, so thank you so much. That's very reassuring to hear, regarding private clinics. I have decided id rather make do with what money i have, no matter how little, if it means my brain can relax with some answers from testing and consultants. That to me, is priceless... It has been tricky to navigate online, making sure I'm contracting the correct people for the relevant testing. I too, am thinking due to increased NHS waiting times, that private clinic are also getting more enquiries. 

Take time to breathe and stay calm and be kind to yourself. 

Please stay in touch. Hugs xx

you are right Vickie, in the old days you could get into private the same week, now they are operating at around 3-4 week wait as everyone is going to them as can’t be seen on the NHs. It’s a scary old time. I’m going to have to use a credit card but I can’t wait like this. Not having a good morning as I have this weird internal itching in the same boob if I lean on it or put any pressure on it. Can only think it’s the worst at the moment as it’s clearly not normal. :(

I’ve calculated what I can afford and then if it needs to go to further tests like biopsy then the credit card will make an appearance for me too. 
I was actually offered a same day appt when I called them last Wednesday but it put even more fear into me and I turned it down stupidly. I’m lucky I have a private hospital near me that has 4 breast specialists. 
I hear you about not having a good morning because it hurts(might be all my poking to see if I can feel exactly how big it is and what it feels like, because clearly dr Google has told me what to look for).. every new pain and ache sets me spiralling too as my mind goes into overdrive. Snapped at everyone so far this morning and I don’t mean to  
tomorrow is going to be a long day until my appt at 3:40pm, hopefully work will help keep me busy

x

Evening all,

Quick update..i received a letter via email re my hospital (NHS) appointment..not until March 20th. Ill be a shell of a woman by then. Barely coping now. Whilst Im extremely grateful they've acted so quickly, im also more anxious now as ive found more lumps...they keep appearing and they're definitely lumps. Some painful, some not- queue more worry... I shall have to go to work at school tomorrow and so can't have my phone on but the minute I can, ill be calling every private hospital I can. 

Thinking of you for tomorrow , Vicki and hoping tye day passes quickly so you can hopefully get some answers.

Xx

Goodness Dannii that’s a long way off! Do you mind me asking where you are in the country, I’m in Herts and wondering how long the wait is around here, I’m guessing around 6 weeks. I’m so glad I kept my private appointment on the 13th

So sorry you’ve found more lumps too. Hopefully this means it’s more likely to be fibroadenoma

really hope you find a private appointment tomorrow x

Hi Bubbles,

I hope you're managing ok tonight. Im in Leeds. Tbh i was shocked it wasnt sooner. Ive been reading up on Fibroadenoma and all of it..cysts..lumps...all of it seems to read all the same..painful, not painful, oval, round, irregular, hard, soft... My mind has taken me to the worst possible outcome of course. This is going to eat away at me if i can't find a private clinic very soon. The NHS appointment was actually sooner than one private healthcare provider in Leeds, where I could look online for availability. All the other providers appear to be a phonecall booking system. 

Hugs x

Real *** day today. Just overwhelmed with the whole thing. I had a traumatic time in Dec with mum. She had a breast scare and thank god biopsy come back benign. I’m holding on this as I was beside myself back then and everything turned out fine. 

im holding on in there just about thank you bubbles. Hope your coping ok. 

Danni that’s such a long wait isn’t it :( get on to them tomorrow. 

Vicki- I hope your appointment goes well. Please let us know how you get on. 

sending love kitkat. You can get through this and we’re all here anytime. 
xx

Totally understand and cannot blame you... My mum passed from ovarian cancer (sorry if repeating myself a lot.. perimenopausal!!) and watching her go through that has been horrific. Our mums are our world aren't they? So December is absolutely bound to be a trigger for you... Let yourself be vulnerable and go with it... It's easy to drive yourself mad with worry and endless anxiety (feel like ive been shaking all day!). Remember you're not alone and take comfort in knowing you have this space  to let rip!! Im so, so pleased your mum is well and was just a scare..try to take that on board as it might be the same for you too. Hold on to that :) 

Hugs xx

Thank you danni. I’m really trying to hold on to that to keep me going. im so sorry to hear about your mum. I can’t comprehend the pain you felt and still probably feel. Since that time I’ve had a fear of loosing loved ones and convinced myself I have something wrong with me. I’ve had multiple tests for other things which were all ok. In this time frame I convinced myself I had all sorts. I went multiple times about my boobs and all examinations were fine. Went again last Thursday and that’s when she mentioned about a thickening. My partner god love him paid for me to have an ultrasound and she said I had a harmless swollen node (I’ve got a viral thing atm) and a small fibroadenoma and still go to clinic. In my head I’ve got something awful that’s spread. I know I sound absolutely ridiculous as I had this scan but I know in my heart they’d have to biopsy to confirm and scared they’ll find something else. Sorry I’m rambling now lol xx

You're absolutely not rambling at all! Amd thank you..ive had a hard time losing people too..mum eas first.. step dad had leukemia but didn't tell anyone, best friend died and my dad committed suicide. Had many years of Cbt, talk therapy, anxiety/panic disorder meds but years of health anxiety, just like yourself, means I'm a regular at my doctor's..i cringe every time im there but every time i go, to me, is valid as im convinced ive got something life-threatening.. again like you, tests, scans, bloods have more or less come out fine but it doesn't seem to stop me from worrying the next time! Im very pleased you have a lovely, understanding partner as i think it helps to have someone close to you that just gets you! He sounds very supportive. Im blessed that mine is the same.. feel awful if he pays for something but im desperate. You honestly don't sound ridiculous at all... It's your body and you only have one! Totally natural for you to keep looking out for yourself (fight or flight!) and definitely good that you're cautious. Xx