No, it's not immature to feel the way you do and I'm sorry that the way your Dad is responding is making you feel like your needs and worries aren't important - it also sounds as though this isn't something new, judging by the fact it had only just occurred to you after seeing that child with her mum, and perhaps your needs and wants have always come second.  Try not to spend too much time on analysing his behaviour, though - you aren't responsible for how he behaves and it's possible he doesn't want to think about you being ill, although I suspect that is not the case here.  He sounds like he has a lot of anger generally, and it probably has very little to do with you at all - you are in no way responsible for it, so try to take that off your shoulders, it's the last thing you need to be worrying about right now.

Your feelings of being scared and lonely are absolutely valid and you shouldn't have to beg for someone you love to support you.  Do you have any close friends who might be able to help you with hospital runs in the meantime?   They may be in a better position to be more supportive, too.

I am 36 years old and my Mum would attend every appointment with me if she thought I'd let her, so you're right that parents don't automatically stop being a parent when you become an adult, and even at my grand old age and being a mum of two myself, I still find it comforting and reassuring when she takes over and lets me rest.  You never stop being their child, they never stop being your parent.  That can mean different things for different families. If your parental connection has never been that strong with your dad, perhaps look for connection somewhere else and get support elsewhere.  If you feel like you can, maybe ask him what's going on, say it seems like you have a lot of anger at the moment, ask if he wants to talk about it.

And no matter what happens, there's support in endless supply on this forum. It's been a godsend to me recently.  I hope your appointments continue to go quickly and you get answers soon.  Wishing you all the best xx

Hi people who are ill are never a burden to others. 

Have you thought about alternative travel alot of hospital's have transport vehicles just to pick up patients, there and back, also some people will drive patients there and back you just pay for fuel. You should be able to get details from hospital reception or on line..

Hope your soon sorted. 

Take care keep positive (easier said than done).

Billy 

my dad always used to shout at me if I was ill, he shouted he said because he cared, but it didn't feel like he cared when he shouted and it certainly didn't help

in the end I learnt to live my life without him. at least your dad did drive you to the hospital not say he didn't want you in his life at all

I always wished my parents could be kinder when I was ill, but I couldn't change them, couldn't stop my father's anger or my mother's coldness

there was an occasion when I badly needed to go to hospital but no one could drive (they had been drinking) and no one wanted to call an ambulance (considered a fuss). My GP was furious when she heard what happened and she made sure I had extra life-saving medications because of it, a decision which did subsequently save my life. It was in the days before mobile phones or I'd have made the ambulance call myself. 

you don't have to feel lonely though, look for peer support, find out if there are any volunteer drivers in your area who can help you

could you get up very early and catch a bus or get a taxi instead to some appointments – I appreciate this would not be easy, especially when you are in excruciating pain

I used to ask for later appointments whenever possible because of travel difficulties, sometimes this would mean a 9.15am appointment rather than 8am but it helped. Sometimes I would leave home at 5am (planning routes carefully to avoid risk of attack and going longer route if safer) to reach hospital for an 8.40am appointment. I walked many miles alone to a hospital because I was too scared to get in a bus or taxi during the pandemic and despite having severe athritis in my feet so that every step meant pain. I remember sitting down on a bench for breakfast and a rest in a park half way. Recently I managed to get over my fear of going on public transport, but found the bus journey difficult. I had to take my mask off because I panicked and couldn't breathe!

During the pandemic people had to attend hospital appointments alone. Even if I had been allowed to take someone with me, there was no one I could have taken. I had surgery alone during the pandemic. I spent a month in hospital with no visitors during the pandemic. Life can be hard.

I even turned down some further investigations (to exclude a different cancer) because I had no one who could collect me after anaesthesia, though I've since been told I could have just waited at the hospital. Now I have to consider whether to go ahead with those investigations. Unfortunately, I am struggling with other health aspects and think there are currently other things to deal with first (two urgent clinic referrals). 

Try and stay upbeat if you can. It is hard your father isn't more supportive, but it sounds as if that is the kind of man he is. Some of us have to accept that about our families. 

Really hoping you feel better soon. It's scary being unwell. Try not to worry about being a burden!

I just wanted to make clear – because sometimes I'm not good with words – that your feelings are valid. I hear your hurt. x

Thank you so much Laura. I've realised that I was mainly focusing on the negative when I wrote this and there were times when my dad was caring and tried to comfort me but the negative moments did outweigh this.

My dad is caring in other ways like with my education and he stops my mum from trying to get me married overseas which lifts away one stress I could have had. He's very proud that I want to become a primary school teacher. But studying childhood development made me realise that my parents (and a lot of other parents) weren't aware that they need to meet the mental needs for their children as well as the other essential needs.

I know he doesn't like worrying people and there's been times he kept stuff secret from me to protect me. It feels quite weird because I wanted to know if there's a family history of cancer just for the purpose of my appointment and he denied it. I then found out from my grandma that there is. I think maybe he is worried about me being unwell but keeping it inside so I don't get worried. But if I knew about the family history, I might have been seen sooner.

I am really close with my grandma and my aunt (who I live with as their home is closer to my uni) and they usually complain that my parents don't care. But they see me go through the symptoms and I can talk to them whenever I want about it. My grandma has told my dad that she thinks he doesn't care and after that, he asked me to move back so he could look after me but I didn't want to. My mum does care aswell but we have a language barrier so it's hard to explain things to her.

I first assumed that the girl was a teenager because of how her mum treated her, then I heard her say her birth year and it was a year before mine. I felt like it made me realise that I am still young because I've just been trying so hard to grow up and deal with my problems myself. You are very right that parents don't stop being parents once their child become an adult.

Yes it does help a lot talking on this forum about my symptoms. Especially yesterday because I was going to wait to see if my pain from the sigmoidoscopy stays and then I received a reply that I should seek medical attention as soon as possible.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply and validate my feelings, it means a lot xx

Thank you Billy for the idea. I think I would find it really hard going without a family member incase something happens. I don't cope well in new situations but I hope he stops being angry. Maybe I might talk about it to my grandma and I'm sure she'll pass the message on. She is the only person my dad is empathetic towards.

Thank you, I will try to keep positive.

It's possible your dad is really worried and is shouting about things like parking spaces because what he is really thinking is "what if there is something really wrong with my little girl? I can't bear seeing her go through this. She's only 23, it's not fair." Some older men have a lot of difficulty showing their feelings.

Of course you are not a burden and of course it's not immature. 

When I had thyroid cancer, my mother went out in the rain the morning after I got out of hospital to pick up my prescription. I felt a bit guilty about that, because I could have done it myself, but she never said one word of complaint. And when I say "rain," I'm talking a downpour, not just an ordinary rain shower. I am 40.

This has nothing to do with age. If my mum were ill, I hope I would try to support her.

The issue here is with your dad, not with you. You did absolutely nothing wrong. That doesn't mean your dad is a bad person, just that people don't always respond well in stressful situations. Some people react to worry by getting angry. It also sounds like he might possibly have been in denial about things like the possibility of cancer. And might not have wanted to hear about it because that made the possibility real and he may have wanted to pretend it wasn't happening,

OK, I've just read your final posts now and it really does sound like your father struggles to deal with bad things and prefers to pretend they don't exist. Your symptoms might be an unpleasant reminder that bad things can happen and he is trying to ignore that by focussing on things like parking spaces rather than admitting he is scared too. It doesn't excuse his behaviour, but might be an explanation for it.

Thank you so much Rose. I'm really sorry about your father's anger and your mum's coldness. It's so true when people say that every child deserves parents but not every parent deserves children. It's really sad because there's so many people who would make amazing parents and don't get to have children.

My dad used to shout at me a lot as a child so I understand how much it hurts being shouted at. Thankfully because I'm an adult now, he has stopped but there are times he gets angry and wants to shout. It's sad that people think it's okay to treat children disrespectfully, they should lead by example. I do wonder how I have turned out to be someone who never shouts/ swears/ hits and cares a lot about being kind to others.

That's horrific that no one would take you and didn't want to call an ambulance. I am glad that the extra medication saved your life but it's really sad when you should have been seen earlier. 

I'm sorry that you had to have a surgery alone and had to spend a whole month in hospital with no visitors! I can only imagine that it's hard enough having to have surgery, let alone going through it by yourself. I feel bad that during the pandemic, I didn't really think much about those having to be in hospital by themselves but now I can't imagine having my problems during the pandemic. Were the nurses and doctors supportive during this time?

It sounds like you are having so many scares with your health and it must be so terrifying for you to turn down further investigations.

I think I'm going to try to look at the bright side that my family are offering to take me to hospital, even though it makes them angry having to wait long. I think they should reslise that if they don't talk angrily, I'd be able to appreciate it more that they take me and want to return the favour in other ways.

My brother has taken me today and we've had to wait more than 2 hours so far and he hasn't made one comment. He has asked me if I want him to come in the appointment with me and I said 'no it's okay' and he said it doesn't bother him at all, he wants to help me. It's crazy how different he is to my dad, I hope he can have children someday as I can imagine he'll be amazing.

Thank you so much for validating my feelings and sharing your experiences, it must have been hard to write about them. I hope you get better soon aswell xx

Thank you so much Margaret. I think it is true that my dad has difficulty showing his feelings and trying to pretend it doesn't exist by focusing on other things. I agree that doesn't excuse him for his behaviour so thank you for saying that, but it does feel better thinking that he does care rather than him actually only caring about himself.

I'm really sorry that you had thyroid cancer. I would feel guilty aswell if my mum went out during a dounpour to pick up prescription. She sounds like a very kind person to have not said one word of complain because it must be hard. I feel like I'd want to feel appreciated but not complaining really would make the person appreciate them more. 

My brother has taken me to hospital today and we've waited for almost 3 hours now. He hasn't commented anything about this and has asked me if I want him to come in with me for the appointment and reassured that it's no problem. What you have said has made me realise that it doesn't have anything to do with age to be supported.

Thank you so much, your message and the messages from others on here, has made me feel a lot better about this xxx

Thank you so much for your kind reply.

How lovely of your brother to take you!

I am really pleased you have other more supportive family members like your brother, grandma and aunt. 

The pandemic was a surreal time to be anywhere near a hospital. You were only allowed into the waiting area 10minutes before an appointment so if you arrived earlier would be waiting outside in the cold. Many people found this hard. At the entrance there was the dreaded temperature check. I would be so scared that if I were running a bit late and hurrying my temperature might go up a tiny bit (sometimes I can overheat as my body doesn't always cool down well) and I could have gone all that way only to be turned away at the final hurdle. When you are at a fast-track clinic and expecting to have a lesion removed that day, the thought of being turned away isn't a good one.

I was shocked when I found myself in the operating theatre with the doctors and nurses all in full PPE. It wasn't the usual theatre nurses – I'd had day surgery before and knew the set-up well. It wasn't even the proper theatre, but a kind of annex room. I remember being told to go careful as I got onto the bed in case it tipped. It was so flimsy compared to the proper theatre tables. 

The doctor seemed a bit anxious and only wanted to be working on someone where she could do the op sitting down. I got the feeling doctors were doing more than they usually did because the specialist nurses were helping out elsehwere. There was an extra person in the room watching, learning. 

I felt extremely anxious and when I mentioned this a nurse did talk to me and try and distract me, which was so kind. I think when you are open with the doctors and nurses it can help sometimes. 

It was so hard that I had to wear a mask the entire time I was in the hospital, including lying down in theatre. I have a condition that can make breathing difficult and I was terrified I might start with some nervous coughing. I didn't want to cause the staff anymore anxiety. I think at that time there was a lot of anxiety, you could feel staff were a bit frightened and not within their normal comfort zones.

I really felt for the NHS staff and how hard it was for them doing operations wearing not just extra gloves, but masks, plastic visors etc. How could they see? How could they do things like stitching?  I felt very lucky that I was getting seen and having a lesion that needed to be taken out removed. I decided I didn't care if the scar turned out a little messy. I was just so so lucky I was getting treatment.

When I was on the ward (separate admission), there too you could feel fear. But more than that there were obviously problems getting nurses in with a lot of agency or bank staff and at times very little English being spoken. I found it frightening, especially when I was suspected of having Covid – I didn't – and isolated from everyone else on the ward for 16 days (the longest anyone on that ward was in isolation because one of my Covid tests went missing and I had to have three negative ones before being deemed "safe"). I was also scared I might catch Covid while in this strange isolation area. There was a shared bathroom/toilet and another patient kept coughing in there. I had no cough when I went in but have a tendency to develop a bit of a nervous cough when stressed. 

I also did not have access to my usual medicines. That was the most terrifying thing. How would anyone know if I couldn't breathe? I actually had an attack and remember opening the door of the isolation area waving frantically for help. Then staff brought the wrong meds... No one seemed to have any experience of dealing with the respiratory medication I was on (it is an unusual prescription). They muddled it all up – not once but multiple times! It seemed that I could be getting help for one condition and dying of another. It was obvious the ward was extremely short staffed. And staff were constantly complaining how uncomfortable and hot they felt wearing the PPE. Everyone's vulnerabilities became very apparent. I overheard a lot of staff complaints – partly because I speak a lot of languages but also because I have exceptional hearing. Some staff were clearly very upset at what they were being asked to do or struggling to cope. There were a few raised voices between staff members even, something you would hope never to hear in a hospital. But people are human. People got scared.

It is good you can see things from all the different perspectives and do have some family support. I hope by the time you get to read this your ultrasound will be over. I hope all proves to be well. If not, then hope you get whatever treatment is needed soon as possible and with as little pain as possible. Take care, love Rose xx