Hi coral_reef 

I'm different cancer but it's incurable , prostate, gone to lymph nodes, pelvis, spine, ribs and a lung,I was diagnosed Feb 2016 classed as palative care.

Everyone has treated me just same,no silly comments at all ,

Not everyone is heartless about talking about cancer and it does help to talk sometimes.

I call it My uninvited guest and quite a few think that's a good one I just carry on with my life and keep positive and fighting I have to I promised my wife to be I'd look after her when we got old she's nearly 14 years older than me but we've been together for nearly 50 years she has Alzheimer's and Parkinson's plus other problems .

So don't worry about those who say stupid things sometimes people open there mouths before they've thought what to say .

There's a string on the forum somewhere think it's called"what not to say to someone with cancer"it's quite good reading .

Take care and keep safe.

Billy.

Thanks for taking time to reply. 

I'm so early in my journey I worry about things that may never happen. I'm also only 44 so think people want to say something positive but I in my own little black hole right now. I won't stay there. 

My friend tells me to stop worrying about others think so much. I'm going to try

Hope you are having more good than bad days 

Billy's suggestion is excellent. I think you will enjoy reading this thread "12 things never to say to someone who has cancer" and that it will speak to you! As the thread is 17 pages long, we have concluded there are far more than 12 things never to say to someone who has cancer. I bet you can add a few more to the list!

Lucie

Hello Coral_Reef,

                           from the moment of your diagnosis you find you need to become just a little bit selfish with regards to what you need to do in order to get through this,and not unsurprisingly your focus veers to looking inwards.In answer to your question l would suggest you should do whatever feels right for you,and anything you can do to relieve personal stress will be the biggest contribution you can make towards your treatment.There is no right or wrong way and how you choose to deal with this might change over time and thats fine too,the main thing is whatever works with you,for you.

l hope you manage to get through this struggle,

                                                                         David

Hi Coral reef, 

you have absolutely got the 'right' to tell nobody.It is your info to do as you wish with. 

i know exactly what you mean. I can handle my own stress but not other peoples.

We (husband =oesophageal, age 56, diagnosed 10 ish weeks ago) made the decision to carry on as normal as possible. We told close family with instructions not to mention it. People might think 'oh they are in 'denial'', we made that decision because WE didn't want to be defined as the 'one with cancer' with every conversation asking "how are you, how are you coping" arrrg- I know people are trying to be 'kind' but that is not how you feel when people ask; what you feel like saying is ":how the f do you think" and "what exactly is coping, what does it look and feel like".

we didn't want the inevitable  pity.

you will absolutely move out of ' the hole', the hideous feelings for me lasted about 2 weeks, then we were back to our usual childish squabbles. Don't get me wrong- I have my moments, but at the moment despite the chemo we are holding the beast on a fairly tight leash

good luck.

Hi

Different view here, as well as wanting friends & family to provide fun & entertainment (I'm a very optimistic person and enjoy the company of pals & family) whilst they could (for example when I had chemo last year visitors were allowed to accompany the patient) I also took is as an opportunity to dispel some of the myths around cancer treatment.

There's every chance that another in my social circle will get cancer and I'd like them not to be afraid and hopefully they saw, via my journey, that it's not a thing to be afraid or terrified of, I often think there's a lot of fear of the unknown/unexperienced.

Obviously had any pals been heartless they would have been banned from my 'cancer club', but this was not the case.  I only told relatively close pals and didn't for example tell those who would broadcast it on facebook!

I'd do what feels right for you, as someone else had said be selfish, think of you and your needs first & foremost.

Good luck!

Sam

Hi Coral_Reef,

There is no right or wrong way to deal with a cancer diagnosis. This is a disease that affects everyone in a different way and, as a consequence, we all deal with it in different ways too. What you do or say is totally your call, but, if you do decide not to tell anyone, be mindful that quite often family or friends will break the news for you, even if inadvertently.

The main reason we tell people is that you will find that you do need some emotional support from family and friends, so I am glad to see that you still intend to tell some very close people. How many you tell is totally up to you.

I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer in the past 11 years and have found it easier to be totally open with everyone. Admittedly, I have bilateral Lymphoedema in both arms and hands and look like the Michelin Man when I have both arms bandaged in several layers of compression bandage. You cannot miss the fact that something is wrong. I even get questions from curious strangers. I find that it depends upon how you answer people’s questions as to how they treat you. If anyone asks how I am now I just reply ‘fine thank you’.

As a result of this I find that the concerned questions and pitying looks have reduced considerably. I felt that many people just wanted all the gory details, whereas now that they’re not getting them, they don’t really want to know. Having said this, I know that if I turned to any of my family and friends for help, they would be here like a shot.

The inane comments tend to come from those who have never been touched by cancer and, who don’t know what to say. I have lost some friends because of this, but I have gained far more from some unexpected quarters too. Few of us have the energy to cope with pity or placatory comments all the time.

You will eventually come out of the dark hole you’re in and will develop a more positive approach. Do look at the thread that Billy has mentioned - you will enjoy it.

I hope that, whatever you decide, it will be the best decision for you and you alone.

We are always here if you want a chat.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you all for replying. I'm generally a private person so sharing seems alien to me. 

Im also a manager and have really been struggling with deciding to tell my team who are all very intutive anyway.

Im not going to worry about it today. Trying to stay present in the moment and may ask others to share on my behalf. That's what I'm thinking today anyway. 

Selfish is not naturally within me. But I'm going to try and put myself and my emotions first.

I've read the thread and could add to it already. 

The one that really bothers me is, I know how you feel!

No you don't! Our situations are very different. This was said by a friend who was very public on Facebook about her cancer. Today she even posted on my wall, enquiring about my recent scan. She did delete and apologise but.....

Really appreciate your support 

Hi Coral_Reef,

Have you received a dianosis and treatment plan yet? A lot depends upon what this involves, as to whether or not your team. If treatment is going to involve  number of hospital visits, then perhaps they do need to know, so that they can cover for you.

You do need to become a little selfish and to look after your emotional as well as your physical needs. I am so sorry to hear that cancer has touched so many people in your family. This must be hard to take, especially for your poor parents.

You will find that surrounding yourself by positive people will help your situation. Don't let yourself be dragged down by negativity. 

I get riled by the 'I know how you feel' brigade too. As I said in my first post to you, every cancer is individual to that person and the way we react toit is different too. I am glad to hear that your friend deleted her post from your wall and apologised. Hopefully, she'll think twice before she does something like this again.
Kind regards,
Jolamine xx

I thought I should come back with an update and my learning.

While I was waiting for results I was like a leaking tap. Told people as it was forefront my mind. That meant that I had people asking if I'd got  my results yet. 

So when I did. And it was confirmed I sent a generic text to all saying it was confirmed and that I didn't want to talk. 

I've been so fortunate with support and have amazing friends, some not so much ,

What I'd do differently is not tell people about tests. 

What I'd do the same is tell people I don't want to talk. I can control texts, ignore, reply etc and not feel guilty. This is about me for now and that's OK. I've chosen people to go for walks with I didn't expect I would. 

I'm getting counselling and taking time to me.