I have just been diagnosed with stage 4 secondary liver cancer. I felt I was in free fall whe I was told a few ago. I want to run but I can't.  We are a member of a club we do not want to be in and yet more that a third of people will get cancer. It's terrifying. I'm finding hard it to be the sick one too. I'm the fixer and doer in my family and I can't get used to not being that person any more. 

I wish you good luck with treatment. I also find Maggie's centre invaluable for counseling at the moment they have save me a few times ️

Hello 747, my heart goes out to you, I can feel the free fall you are feeling. Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I wish you the strength to bear this without such anguish and hope you find the support you need. x

Hi Sam,

Told off for swearing??? When you've got cancer??? I think that's one situation where swearing is completely effing acceptable!

Apparently phantom breast pain is a thing.  There's even a leaflet about it. Who knew?

My tumour being larger than expected is not unusual with the lobular kind. The surgeon said it doesn't present as a lump, more like a layer, and that's what it felt like to me when I first noticed it, like a layer of thickening under the skin. 

I am again trying to address each point you make as I get to it. Only because I feel really guilty if I seem to ignore something when I've just really forgotten it by the time I've got to the end.

Is there any chance your chemo will shrink your tumour enough to avoid surgery or am I being a cockeyed optimist? I don't envy you the MRI scans, though. For something that is painless I find them a real pain!!!  And yes! Years and years of treatment just makes it  more boring than necessary,  Not that I follow the "alternative treatment"  gurus. I firmly believe with all the money that has gone into research into breast cancer that they have a pretty good idea about what they are doing. I've got a friend who gleefully told me that she is following an alternative practitioner for her lymphoma, and it breaks my heart but she is convinced it is better than traditional therapies.  Who am I to make her feel bad by saying she's wrong? It's more difficult to deal with someone else's cancer than your own, I think.

Sorry to hear about the spotty head, an itchy head on top of everything else! Oh Joy!

It's really nice to catch up with friends, one of the silver linings to the cancer cloud is people making an effort to come and see me. Glad there were no slip ups or should I say downfalls, at Beachy Head!!!

I'm also glad the kids have relaxed a bit, but I don't expect it to last. My son is already talking about staying with me after the next op, to make sure I don't do more than I should.  I've managed to convince them that I should be doing much more walking to get fit, but today I bumped into one of my neighbours who has been away for the last two weeks, so she was eager to find out how I was doing, and the first thing she said when I said I was going for more surgery was that she would walk the dog for me! Honestly that is the least strenuous thing I do, why can't people offer to do my garden for me, get it ready for winter?

i have had a nice, normal, weekend, thank you, watched some rubbish tv, including some stuff I'd recorded that wasn't worth watching.  Strangely, I haven't wanted to read recently, although for the last few months that's all I wanted to do.

i hope your coming week 3 is an good one, 

Christine 

Hi Caroline,

You really struck a note with me about thinking you had finished your journey and then realising it is an ongoing thing. I felt exactly the same and last Thursday's news was a bummer! Will I get told off for saying bummer, do you think? 

I haven't looked at Facebook for a long time, I weaned myself off from it when I realised how much time I was wasting reading rubbish. I wasn't strong willed enough to filter what I read so I would look at thousands of sometimes nasty comments on something I wasn't interested in, usually political, just because someone I knew had commented and before I knew it, I had wasted three hours when I intended a quick glance.  I haven't deleted my account because I still use Messenger to communicate with some lovely people I only know through Facebook. I would feel the same way as you if I saw lots of negative posts. I find some of the posts on here to be very upsetting when I can feel someone's fear and heartache and I can't say anything to make them feel better.  It's definitely easier to deal with my own cancer than anyone else's. Thank goodness there are a few of us hardy souls who accept that we just have to make the best of things and get on with it! I salute you! 

Have a fabulous day in London!!!

Christine x

Caroline
I know what you mean, I'm on other forums too and whilst I am sure my cheery nature probably annoys some, I do find that those who are always moaning and can never find anything to be positive about are quite draining to others and aren't, I suspect, doing themselves any favours either.  I personally think my positive mental attitude is doing me, the cancer and hopefully others the world of good - not that my long suffering partner would agree (it just wears him down...mission accomplished!).

I have a strange relationship with facebook, have never joined any groups and am not even on under my real name!  I have the grand total of 11 "friends" some of whom are and some of whom aren't and am not sure I've ever liked anything...I mainly use it as a tool to stalk ex boyfriends now & then!  I'll not be joining any cancer groups thank you very much, yours & Christines reviews are more than enough to put me off plus there's just not the time in my busy schedule!

Social media and me are not good bedfellows unless you hadn't realised..do feel sorry for the poor youth however.

Its ok to be weepy, everyone does it at sometimes, for me its always when others cry, just can't help myself at their sadness.
London with a friend sounds like a good cure for all woes, I have a love/hate relationship with London.  Being a country gal at heart I can't stand all the unnecessary rushing around, excess of people and general ignorance that often is displayed widely however do like good restaurants, theatre, comedy, strange stuff to do etc..and London has a lot of those annoyingly! Don't think however I'll be venturing in soon as can't imagine the tube (and its contents) is sufficiently sanitary for my chemo impacted needs.  Closest I've been (live in Epsom) is Wimbledon on overground, far enough for now.  Intrigued to know what naughtiness was had in London however.... 

Whilst I am, obviously, amazing (if I could be bothered to fathom how to insert smiley face here I would) it does help that my side effects have been unremarkable, no nausea or sickness at all, so do consider myself very lucky indeed, even my 6 day stay in hospital felt fine after day 1! I just hope my run of good luck continues into the next chemo drug which may make blummin (let's hope that's acceptable language around these parts...) nails fall off..ha! 

This week is my fave week its my feeling 'normal' week, no feeling rough, no numb teeth (odd, I know) and bowels in good working order.  this is the week I feel like I can & should get out & about, been to gym today and bike ride Tues and will do something again at weekend (if the chemo doesn't get me the keep fit will).  I've agreed (as missed it this year, with good reason!) to do next years Blenheim 10k race so better start getting a wee bit fitter (i.e. Not a professional couch potato which I have been perfecting for the last 2 years).

Sam X
 

Christine

Yeah the swearing stuff did provide much amusement for my friends & family on the whatsup (I've renamed it) group where I keep them abreast of my progress and have a good laugh at me, them and lots of other stuff.  I'm allowed to be as sweary pants as i want on whatsup (I am admin!  I have power)...after all profanities mean prizes on there...

Am loving that you have s strategy for responding to my 20 questions, always important in my book...my cancer learning stopped some time ago, decided that I had more than enough info that my poor brain could cope with so never got onto ductal (that I have) vs lobular, strange no lumps with lobular as that's what many associate with breast cancer.

Re shrinking it so no op...No don't think that's how it works with chemo & surgery, think they take the risk averse route (which am quite happy with) to oik it all out.  Did you know that scans can only pick up cancer lumps more than (and I may have got the wrong number but point still stands) 3mm so best to do away with that unnecessary lump of flesh. Am not really that bothered about the op to be honest, its the drain thing that sounds the worst...yuck I say!  And I get fake boobies for free!!  Now if it was a limb or something "useful" to me I would have a very different point of view.

The MRIs I find fine, the worst thing about them was the fact that the best music they had last time was dirty dancing...am taking some 80's tunes next time of my own.  Though dirty dancing (not a favourite of mine by far) much better than the big band music the first time. I share your views on alternative therapies, they're not yet suitable as an practical alternative to what we're going through although as long as they don't interfere with hospital treatment could be of benefit, if only psychologically.  Its odd that some people still pay lots of money and put their faith in quacks and special diets these days when there's lots of warnings not to and stories of when it all goes wrong, but there's no accounting for some people I guess.

Head is getting better ta, less spotty and more baldy! Its funny, and probably as a consequence of where the cold cap failed but have bald spots predominately above where side burns are (on a man, not me normally!) and also top of head, the back of the head is not bald at all- it would be an interesting look if I had long hair.

If I were you I'd take full advantage of your offspring & neighbours and get them to do whatever you don't like doing, any housework would suit me.  If you don't ask you don't get and I'd really like to see anyone refuse a poor cancer "victim"!!!  That's my joker when I want something...cruel yet effective.

I find the same with reading, I LOVE reading and can do a book in a day but have been trying to read a good Lee Child since I started on **** chemo, just can't seem to concentrate or find/make the time...odd you're the same.  And I hate leaving a book like that as I ****** forget the **** plot!  Again not helped by chemo brain (or chemo Brian as I often find "he's" mistakenly called).

What have you done that your children trust you so little eh?  I think its lovely in a way (though suffocating to you) that they want to wrap you in cotton wool.  When I told the boyfriend about the cancer I had 3 non-negotiables - 1) Respect my decision 2) Don't molly coddle me and 3) don't tell anyone (as I wanted to)...he does have to be reminded every so often but (for once) has listened....

As you can see in note to Caroline week 3 is a goody, am off to see an old work pal in Bournemouth on Sunday so more fresh sea air for my lucky lungs, and lots of yummy sea food too, which will hopefully help the brain fire on a few more cylinders.  Been a productive week work wise too this week so feeling extra good & long may it last.

Its the last chemo next week on current drain cleaner so will have to see what the new post chemo/feeling odd routine brings soon on cillit bang...what fun...

Sam x

Hi Sam & Christine,

Good to hear that you are both being your "usual" up beat  BC gals. Sam - count down now!! Good to hear that the chemo hasn't been too awful an ordeal. Positive attitude see - think it helps!! 
Christine - you've hit the "normal" zone again - waiting for the next ordeal. I start my radiotherapy on the 7th, so the day before your op. I will have everything crossed that those shifty, crafty cancer cells haven't been causing trouble and don't mean you have to have chemo.
My day in London was odd!! I go up there quite often with friends. Might go up on a Saturday for an "unlimited Prosecco" afternoon tea etc and we usually make a proper day of enjoying ourselves! Monday I just wasn't feeling it. I went with an old friend but she likes shopping (I hate it with a passion!) so we spent far too much time in clothes shops for my liking. Had a lovely lunch with her parents, who I always love catching up with. But my heart wasn't in the day. I was glad when we came home. But I have come down with a grotty cold so that might not of helped. Headaches and tiredness. 
Lovely to hear from you both. Keep the positive pants pulled up - I am sure the end is waving a flag in the distance!! Xx

Caroline

C & C (!!)

All good here.

Poo you weren't feeling your London visit Caroline..however am sure there'll be plenty of other opportunities to savour not only the London but the presseco experience eh?

Hope your cold has buggered off (go on cancer research I dare you to tell me off for that...).

You two have got a lot going on early Nov haven't you?  Do hope all goes well.

The only cancer "excitement" I have in November is the move from drain cleaner (EC) to cillit bang (paclitaxel) which promises to be gentler, and have found EC to be so much better than many others, would however like to keep nails intact.

Bournemouth trip was very enjoyable, roads were soooo busy though so the journey took an hour more than it should have done..thanks the south! But beaches are lovely down there and always love a dose of fish (unlike the boyfriend who left most of his battered fish - that boy has no taste whatsoever and I include me in that!).

Blood taking and doctor chat later on today, always a good excuse to chat and amuse others...both in my top 10 so things I love.

Are you both bonfireing this week?  My northern mother (one of many...) is coming to see me this weekend so we're off out with other pals for an extravaganza - as long as its not busy should be fun.  I would however rather have the one that we used to have in the village where I grew up where you would hop on a tractor trailer and everyone would bring & share food, the firework were fun but not the £million ones of today and you could stay after watching the embers burn down and smoke fags with the other kids (we start early oop north!).

Off for a bike ride now, getting a wee bit chilly down here but not yet balaclava weather (its a look believe you me).

Have a good week both.

Sam X

Hi Sam, Hi Caroline,

I'm sorry your day in the Smoke wasn't all you hoped for, Caroline, it sometimes happens like that when you look forward to something  

Sam, Are you sure you're not my little sister? I am exactly the same about reading  I usually finish a book in a day and if I haven't got the free time to read a book to the end, I won't start it  I have been known to read until dawn in order to complete a good book.  I hope your week three turned out as well as you hoped. You are certainly very active!

I am enjoying my time of near normality- I am driving again, grocery shopping, going out with friends, during the day, don't do night driving, and generally pretending this is going to be forever, before the children start looking after me (bossing me about) again. 

Went to a funeral on Friday, and it was amazing. My dear old friend who was almost 99, had defied all our plans for his centenary and passed away. He was a lifelong bachelor who had fought in the Second World War, with no family and not many friends as he had outlived all his contemporaries. I had lived next door to him for seven years and had stayed in touch ever since. My daughter came with me for what we expected to be a very small gathering only to find the British Legion had arranged for him to be given full military honours, with a guard of honour complete with regimental banners and a bugler played The Last Post.  Not only that but about two hundred people who had heard that he had no family turned out on the wettest afternoon imaginable to pay their respects to a complete stranger!!! It was a very moving. It even made my daughter cry, and she never shows tears.

I had to go to the hospital yesterday to give MRSA swabs, prior to my next surgery. A two minute task at the most. My appointment was for 10am and I got there at 5 minutes to 10. After an hour of waiting, made almost unbearable by sitting next to a very smelly man who insisted on telling me his life story at a very slow pace, I went to the desk and asked why everyone who had come after me had already been seen.  The receptionist said she had told two people I was waiting, and she would tell them again. Three minutes later I was called and three and a half minutes later I was done.  What a waste of time!

This  morning I swore at a van driver for parking on the bloody pavement where I was walking my dogs - he was very indignant, probably never thought a white haired old lady would use the f word!

Complaining about having to wait and being rude to people in the street isn't really normal for me - do you think something is getting to me?  I wonder what it could be. Perhaps it's the same thing that stopped Caroline enjoying her day out in London?

i have bought myself a new reclining chair! I finally accepted that my old one was knackered after I realised sitting in it gave me a bad back, probably something to do with the spring sticking up in the middle of the seat. I saw one on EBay, ordered it at 7.45 yesterday and it was delivered at 5pm today. Thankfully my daughter had just come to collect her dog or I would have been stuck with a 48kilo box in the middle of my living room. As it was, the delivery man manoeuvred it into the living room and between us, my daughter and I managed to dismantle to old chair and get it outside, then unpack and assemble the new one, get rid of all the packaging, and put the room to rights in about 40 minutes! I'm sitting in it as I write. Half way through,  we suddenly realised I shouldn't be doing things like that, but carried on anyway!

I plan to take it easy a bit for the next day or two, well, after I've cleaned my mucky house, anyway. My non arthritic knee seems to have become arthritic, probably from too much sitting around and is quite painful. Extra strong Volterol cream hasn't touched it, so I will pace myself for a few days to get on top of it. 

Good luck for the rads next week, Caroline, and with the cillit bang, Sam. Hope you keep your nails!

I mean to enjoy my next ten days, I hope you both enjoy yours, too!

Christine

Hi ladies,

Good to hear you are both doing well and Christine - make the most of the normality. I went out on Saturday with a lady I met on a Facebook group and turned out we were both going for our biopsy results on the same day, same hospital, around the same time!! We were both told that day that we had breast cancer and we have kept in touch ever since.  On Saturday we went out for an afternoon cocktail, that lasted for 9 hours and resulted in a horrendous hangover! But it is lovely to have someone going through the same journey. My friend is around 3 weeks ahead of me, so gives me all the low down on what to expect. 
I am planning on enjoying my last week of normality! Not sure how I feel about the treatment yet - but head on and brave faced, because being Northern means we are tough old birds!! 
Have a lovely weekend ladies. Christine, the funeral sounded amazing. I work with palliative care patients so go to my fair share of funerals!! Never been to one like that though. 
Caroline x

Christine (aka “big sis”)

All good here, yes have been active (not as active as my gob has, not surprisingly).  And I do go out on my bike but still manage to use the gob quite a lot then too, on a recent ride was chatting to mother and daughter shelties, the mother was the naughty one who was just moving in circles whilst I was there…they were both very greedy and the mother was apparently after treats that their owner had.  They are such beautiful dogs, but I do appreciate the more stupid looking dogs more personally (makes me feel superior!).

Good that normality has returned (if only temporarily), and that you’re making the most of it.

That is so lovely re your (very) old neighbour’s funeral, it is really touching when people rally around like that to celebrate someone who really deserves their life celebrating…like your daughter it brings a tear to my eye (doesn’t happen a lot!), really lovely to hear about and that you can pass on to others.

That’s not good is it – an hours wait, I had one of those when had my first proper diagnosis, unfortunately for me was sat next to my boyfriend, the smelly man would have had more to say (the boyfriend was terrified and am not the most compassionate when it comes to him & his phobias/hang-ups, am from the school of hard knocks and passed with flying colours, harsh I know), are you also “attractive” to (mmm) “unique” people who have a habit of attaching themselves to you?  I do often find the same but as they’re not my boyfriend will generally give them time, only fair, as you did…for an hour!

Can’t recall if I told you but discovered from those swabs am one in 3 that carries MSSA (twice removed cousin of MRSA) so had to bathe in horrible (am usually organic and this deffo wasn’t) red gunk, use fresh towels & bathing gear each time and shove some other stuff up my nose…fingers crossed you’re not dangerous to those around you in hospital too!

I think it’s important, no matter, what the response to give feedback to others about their impact on you.  I often do this in restaurants, my expectations when eating out are usually quite low and find that often I’m pleasantly surprised but when my low standards are not met will ask to speak to manager and explain the situation, don’t want anything in return just think it’s fair on them 7 their future business that they’re aware of what they’re selling.  Did it when we went to beachy head, a nice looking pub there (The Beachy Head) but food rubbish, apparently the manager was having problems in the kitchen…whereas the boyfriend will never say anything is wrong even if the food is inedible as can’t face doing it, and will even leave a tip (I just shake my head…he’s paying after all).  Anyway van drivers are becoming a bit of a scourge aren’t they?  I appreciate they may find parking challenging but should apologise if inconveniencing pedestrians ( who after all are meant for pavements).  It does always amuse me when van drivers do something irresponsible when the number of head office is emblazoned on their van, yes I do phone up to complain re poor driving in particular so am with you 100%.

I wouldn’t be surprised if we were all more angrier than usual, we have good reason after all!  You do need an outlet for anger otherwise it could/will drive you mad and result in health (mental/physical) issues so think this was a healthy out-letting, I wouldn’t worry about it.  My outlet is the active stuff I do, as well as being beastly to the boyfriend (poor, poor man).

Well done re assembly of new chair..40 mins not bad at all, I would fail with that as have found out in the past with ikea furniture, it’s never quite as easy as I thought it would be and consequently have wardrobes that threaten to collapse whenever the door is opened, it’s a risky business getting ready in my house.

Hope your time was relaxing and your knee is not being quite as naughty now, need to do the same in my house (and I can assure you my house will always be muckier as I clean it as infrequently as I can get away with) given the Mother’s impending visit, that’s a job for this afternoon, post chemo when the steroids make me a little bit more manic than normal – good use for them I think.

Keep well and I will enjoy your next 8 days, make sure you do too!

Caroline

Am most impressed with your 9 hour session, well done, though am jealous as don’t have the taste for cocktails or any alcohol due to blummin’ chemo…Fevertree elderflower tonic is my (sad) pub go to now.  I do hope the red wine & vodka industry is doing ok.  Am intrigues as to how many cocktails you managed, and you were surprised you got a hangover?  I’d like to think that all the rubbish we’ve been pumped with would at least counteract hangovers.

Good luck with next week’s radiology..I’m interested how you find it given in March it will be me!  Seems quite daunting to have it every days for weeks, at least you get a rest between chemo sessions.  I have heard it’s nothing compared to chemo so fingers crossed it’s not too bad eh?

Sam X

Will definitely let you know how it goes!! I didn't think I was worried but I do keep dreaming about it at the moment so must be worried internally. And no, shouldn't be anywhere near as bad as chemo. Have a lovely weekend ladies. I will be watching my alcohol consumption this week!!!  

Caroline x

Will definitely let you know how it goes!! I didn't think I was worried but I do keep dreaming about it at the moment so must be worried internally. And no, shouldn't be anywhere near as bad as chemo. Have a lovely weekend ladies. I will be watching my alcohol consumption this week!!!  

Caroline x