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Cancer has ruined our lives

JW
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I cannot tell you how much the dreaded C has ruined our lives. A happy young late 50's couple starting a new life abroad and then a lump appears. My wonderfull and courageous wife then undergo's chemo, lumpectomy, radiotherapy and continuing herceptin and years ahead of Letrozole. 

Our life was good together, 35 years of marriage, children etc. no money worries and this has ruined us altogether. I cannot blame my beautiful wife at all but she has changed in nearly every way possible. We cannot talk like we did, she never seems  happy like she used to, like we were before all this. Our love life, which was important to us and always has been, is no more. The more I try to cheer her up and make her happy she tells me I am always on at her and that there is nothing wrong. She was on Citalopram but she simply wont take them any more, saying there is nothing wrong and she doesn't need them.

Where do we go from here? I am desperate for us to build our lives together again but struggling. We now live back in the UK again as our dream abroad was shattered by this cancer. Sorry If I seem to be down when there are so many other people in a far worse  position.

 

Parents
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    Hi JW,

    Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story which I’m sure will sound familiar to many people on here.

    The impact of cancer is almost always far wider than physical. There are psychological, financial and psycho-sexual impacts too and these affect a wide circle of people as well as the person who has the cancer.

    My guess is that your wife feels guilty about the impact has had on your life.

    Citalopram is usually prescribed for depression, your wife is right - citalopram won’t fix this. You are both down because of the *** situation not because of depression - though you may both have developed depression because of the life changes.

    You might want to check out whether MacMillan or any local cancer support groups can offer any counselling or other support. It isn’t for everyone but some people get a lot out of it. 

    I’m living with cancer and almost lost my wife to a brain haemmorhage not long after I was diagnosed - we were both 55 at the time. The impact was not dissimilar to the situation you are now in. Somehow you both need to grieve for the life you have lost and once you’ve reached acceptance start to build a new life together.

    This will probably be the hardest thing you have ever had to do as a couple, especially as we all grieve at different rates. 

    Meanwhile, listen to your wife, give her time and space to herself and remind yourself every morning that you are lucky she is still alive. It isn’t perfect, but it works for me.

    Good luck

    Dave

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    Hi JW,

    Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story which I’m sure will sound familiar to many people on here.

    The impact of cancer is almost always far wider than physical. There are psychological, financial and psycho-sexual impacts too and these affect a wide circle of people as well as the person who has the cancer.

    My guess is that your wife feels guilty about the impact has had on your life.

    Citalopram is usually prescribed for depression, your wife is right - citalopram won’t fix this. You are both down because of the *** situation not because of depression - though you may both have developed depression because of the life changes.

    You might want to check out whether MacMillan or any local cancer support groups can offer any counselling or other support. It isn’t for everyone but some people get a lot out of it. 

    I’m living with cancer and almost lost my wife to a brain haemmorhage not long after I was diagnosed - we were both 55 at the time. The impact was not dissimilar to the situation you are now in. Somehow you both need to grieve for the life you have lost and once you’ve reached acceptance start to build a new life together.

    This will probably be the hardest thing you have ever had to do as a couple, especially as we all grieve at different rates. 

    Meanwhile, listen to your wife, give her time and space to herself and remind yourself every morning that you are lucky she is still alive. It isn’t perfect, but it works for me.

    Good luck

    Dave

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