Infertility after chemo and divorce - now alone

I am six years in remission so not sure if it’s okay for me to post. I am broken in so many ways and not able to share how I feel with my family and need to know it’s okay for me to share knowing I won’t be judged. 
I was diagnosed with primary breast cancer at 36, when I quit my job to start a family and about to move abroad for a few years. My ex husband had secured a role for a few years in Hong Kong. We couldn’t go after the diagnosis. 
I was able to undergo one round of IVF and have three embryos frozen before treatment. After two years of treatment I was able to try for a family. I had a miscarriage after the egg implant. With very low chances of a natural conception, so we tried the egg donation route. Again I miscarried. Then we divorced. 
We went from a stronger couple during my treatment to a resentful angry couple during our time trying to conceive. There was so much pressure for me to try and keep going. We were broken but didn’t know. We divorced 3 years ago and I broken. I can’t get over how broken I am. I don’t know how I can stop feeling so sad from the loss and grief. I am now perimenopausal which is devastating for me. I really considered adoption but really doubt I can do it on my own without a support network. I am probably overthinking but I want to give a child a decent home and I don’t think I can on my own at the moment.
I know my ex-husband found someone else whilst we were still together. which was a big factor in our breakup.
I am so sad, all the good times we had together feel like a lie now. I know everything we went through was traumatic and it broke us but ultimately we were not meant to be. I am so sad. about it.
I am so sad and feel like I can’t get over all this. I am getting therapy and trying to live my life and functioning day to day the best I can but I am so broken inside from the loss and grief it’s hard to think I will ever be okay ever again. 

  • I wish I could hug you in person. 36 is so young to be begin going through all that and I'd judge your ex on the face of it but I know life and cancer is more complicated than that. I've not had cancer but my partner has and I think I'm welcome here so you definitely are. The ups and downs of cancer with the desire and attempts to start a family are so complicated. Have you considered fostering? We had our children just before cancer so I'm not able to relate properly to that loss but I can empathise. Having young children is physically demanding and having older children is more complicated but that doesn't preclude doing it alone. Sometimes I've felt alone as a parent and carer but I've never been in the position where I couldn't nip to the local shop alone for a minute. I know women and men who are doing it though and they've found support that wasn't in place when they started as parents. Adoption is complicated emotionally so research it. It's changed since my dad was adopted. He didn't even know till he was an adult with his own family and his parents were long gone.

    I think you deserve a family if that's what you want. I think elective families are so scrutinized but I'd try not to be put off with that. We're all just muddling through.

    I doubt your life with your ex was a lie at all. We're just messy creatures whose commitments are offset with how short and stressful life can be. I do think he failed you, though, and you deserved better, and still deserve better. None of us know what's round the corner but chase your own happiness x

  • Offline in reply to Lyns21

    Thank you for your considered message and empathy it has meant so much to me. Thank you.