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Do I pretend to feel 'ok' when I don't?

Midgemo
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Hi everyone, I had breast conserving surgery in early December and radiotherapy two weeks ago for Invasive Ductal Carcinoma and I'm on my second month of Anastrozole. Overall I think I'm doing quite well and I'm trying my best to keep active and 'move on' but there are times when I feel very tired and sad and a bit sorry for myself too. I've noticed when I get asked how I'm feeling by some people that they don't really want to hear the truth at all. Today when I said I felt very tired and low I got told in no uncertain terms that I had to be positive, that my results were good, and that my treatment was over now. The person who said this had BC many years ago herself. I felt hurt and shocked by this response but I was able to say that it was still fairly early days for me yet. However I've begun to wonder if I'm not 'being positive ' enough. I think I'm generally quite positive but sometimes I just feel sad about having had cancer and I'm afraid of recurrence.  Perhaps I should just say 'I'm fine'  on the down days. Have any of you had similar experiences to this?

M

 

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    Hi Midgemo,

    That way lies madness! Your friend was probably trying (and failing) to be nice. She should have known better.
    lt is only natural to feel down sometimes - even when you don't have cancer.
    Don't feel socially pressured into feigning positivity. It might make them feel better not to hear your problems and worries but if they don't want to know, they shouldn't have asked! 
    If you do say that you're fine, someone who really cares will follow it up with "how are you really feeling, you can tell me".

    It is almost ten years since I had my last chemo but the genuine threat of recurrence never goes away, nor does the background fear. I have six-monthly scans to check but you do well to remain vigilant - this isn't an irrational fear for either of us but risk awareness. 

    We need to enjoy the extra years we've been given, stay as positive as we can for our mental well being  but acknowledge we'll have good and bad days like anyone else.

     

    Best wishes

    Dave

     

  • Offline in reply to davek

    Hi Dave thank you for your understanding and kindness. I felt blindsided yesterday by my friends response. Maybe she was going for the 'tough love' approach but I  agree with you that she shouldve known better. I expected her to understand  and that's what made it hurtful. I can cope when people who don't really understand say similar things to me as I  had no idea how it feels to be in this situation prior to my diagnosis. The 'fear' of recurrence is a major aspect for me just now and this appears to be entirely normal from the posts that  I've read on this forum. I'm longing for the days when it will be a bit easier to bear and I will feel more like the normal me again.

    Stay strong and well Dave

    Mx

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  • Offline in reply to davek

    Hi Dave thank you for your understanding and kindness. I felt blindsided yesterday by my friends response. Maybe she was going for the 'tough love' approach but I  agree with you that she shouldve known better. I expected her to understand  and that's what made it hurtful. I can cope when people who don't really understand say similar things to me as I  had no idea how it feels to be in this situation prior to my diagnosis. The 'fear' of recurrence is a major aspect for me just now and this appears to be entirely normal from the posts that  I've read on this forum. I'm longing for the days when it will be a bit easier to bear and I will feel more like the normal me again.

    Stay strong and well Dave

    Mx

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