Just come off the phone to Ma and she has said she needs to go into a nursing home as she cannot walk 2 steps without being out of breath and is being sick very often, carer has been but still waiting for district nurse.I have told her to tell nurses how bad she is and hopefully they can start the ball rolling on that. The idea is for her to go into a nursing home nearer to me, tbh I would rather she went straight into a hospice as I know the care there would be second to none but obviously they feel she isnt ready for that yet.

Mum was less confused but of course I had to start crying down the phone didnt I and she had to comfort me......a lot of support I am.

Take care all,

Jacci xx

Oh Jacci, just had to talk to my daughter and then have read your update.  Its lovely that your Mum is able to comfort you (she will still feel useful!!) and its does no good to hide your true feelings - Mums as you know have intuition on how you are any way!!  It will be a weight of both your minds if she is able to be 'cared for' 24/7 and it would be a lot more help for you if she is local (thats what my Mum's social worker arranged when Mum was moved into residential care but now my local council feel she could be cared for 'in the community' hence why they refuse to help with funding but thats another story!!).  The moderator has come up with great idea about calling the nurses and despite your emotions you sound very effecient in handling things - go with your gut feeling and get all the support you need.  Jules xx

Hi Jacci

Thats good news re hospice staff visiting your Mum - they are such a wonderful source of support and think you know best what is right for your Mum'sneeds.  Sounds like she knows what she needs too which will be a great help as she can voice her own opinions when they visit and perhaps they will be able to liaise with the district nurse.  Am sure having a couple of days  break  will enable you to recharge too.  Jules xx

Hi Jacci,

Have just caught up with your last few posts and was so sorry to read what a terrible time you and your Mum are having.  I really hope you can get something sorted for your Mum to be cared for so that you can spend quality time with her as a daughter and not as an exhausted carer.  You shouldn't have to struggle with this alone; when my Mum was at home we had 2 carers 4 times a day, a district nurse, hospice at home care and the last week marie curie - even with all of this it was just too hard and I was a wreck, hence my Mum finally going to the hospice the last day

I'm glad to hear the hospice staff are coming to see your Mum, they really are amazing people and if you do chose hospice inpatient care I am sure you too will find the care is first class.  Whichever path you and your Mum decide please make sure you look after yourself too, it is such a difficult time and it is easy to forget to be kind to yourself too.  It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your Mum now, and that you are both able to talk openly about the situation you sadly find yourselves in.  That in itself is so good, I wasn't able to talk to my Mum about what we were facing and I found that very hard to cope with at the time and afterwards.  I really hope you find a way forward that is right for you both.  I do think of you often, please let me know how you are doing.  Hope x

Ma went to hospice yesterday, it is the most fantastic place and the staff are truly second to none, the relief I feel is so great I cant explain it!

She has gone mentally so downhill, she does not recognise me, she is seeing my brother who died 9 years ago, talking to him about how bad and evil her daughter is ( that would be me) and has told Drs and me (as she doesnt know who I am ) the same thing. I know she is on another planet but it has been very very difficult to hear as it is now constant tbh..The problem is that my Mum always doted on my brother and always kept me at a distance, she never wanted to see me until quite recently so a lot of what she is saying about me rings true...obviously other than the fact that Im evil!

Drs said they would be surprised if it is the painkiller that is causing the mental symptoms as she is on such a tiny dose but they have put her on a different pain med via patch to see if anything changes.I came home last night and have had a lovely sleep and will go to visit later today. Im just so relieved not to be her carer anymore, I can be the daughter she doesnt recognise instead! The idea is that she stays in hospice for 2 weeks and then goes into a nursing home nearer to me obviously dependant on how she is. My gp has signed me off work till Weds so I dont need to worry about that side of things.

I am in the good position , if you can call it that, that I can go to her flat and go through paperwork while she is still here. Hubby asked if I wanted to get rid of some of her things but I dont know if I can yet even though I know she isnt coming back to her home. Paperwork, however I am happy to go through. 

Hospice nurse did say that perhaps the reason she has gone mentally downhill is severe anxiety so perhaps that is what is happening to her. Anyway all I can do is be there for her and I know she is being looked after so well now.

Take care all and thanks so much for your support,

Jacci xx

Morning Jacci

Its a great source of relief when a loved one is being so well looked after.  Felt the same when my Dad was in the hospice and again now that my Mum has residential care as long as she can afford it.  Somehow it means you can relax in the knowledge the caring side is being taken care of and concentrate on just being the daughter.  I do know where you are coming from as regards that 'strange closeness' as I have never been close to my Mum but you cannot take away the fact that you only get one real Mum and no matter what has passed its hard watching the changes that illness brings.

Glad you have a few days off work to recuperate after the emotional rollercoaster and you can choose when you visit Mum. It could well be that her current mental state is being caused by pain medication as I have seen it happen to others when something they take does not agree with them - hopefully a change to her meds will result in easier communication.

Look after yourself and enjoy some well deserved family time.  Sending hugs.  Jules x

Oh Jacci, it must be so difficult to hear your Mum say these things and for her not to realise who you are, my heart goes out to you.  It does sound like the hospice is a wonderful place; ours was too and I remember the relief of walking away just for a lunch break knowing that Mum was fully cared for.  As I said to you before and you have reiterated, it is important to be a daughter not a carer at this time.  You sound like you are very strong at the moment; being able to go to the flat and go through things.  Take your time though Jacci, there is no easy way to go through our loved ones things and I guess it's different for everybody, but for me I had some really bad times doing it and it hit me unexpectedly when I thought I was OK.  You are in my thoughts and I'm wishing you continued strength.  Hope x

Just back from the hospice, Mum recognised me so that is a big plus but she said to me that I ought to think about having the bags under my eyes removed as they are not attractive!!This is a very typical thing for my Ma to say so she is certainly a lot better today!

She hates the hospice but I know she is being so well cared for and I think she feels like that as bless her she wants things back to normal and to be at home which I can totally understand. She also thinks she will be going back home, I am not going to tell her otherwise, I wont lie if she actually asks me but I am not going to be the person to burst this particular bubble. I feel so so much better now and almost feel bad feeling better but the fact that she is getting the care she needs from the most wonderful Nurses and Doctors has removed such a weight from my shoulders, it really has.

Well I am now going to have a lovely nights sleep in my own bed, thanks again for all your support,

Take care,

Jacci xx

Hi jacci

Nice that your Mum recognised and am sorry but I did laugh out loud about her comments!!  Sounds somuch like myMum - told me I needed a hair cut and then after I had it done -its too short -no win situation.  Good that you can feel more relaxed knowing she is well cared for - its like a weight is lifted.Sleep well. Jules xx

Hi, all my friends had a giggle over the eye thing as well, bless her that was so my Mum I thought yep you are improving!

She thought one of her friends came to visit her yesterday and a priest but I checked on that and unfortunately she was mistaken there, the new med will now be in her system so I can only hope that this one doesnt have the same effect on her.Mind you the Dr told me today that if it is the prev meds that caused this its too quick for her to start improving so who knows...Gorgeous sleep last night. staying at Ma,s tonight but I will sleep in her bed which is comfy not like the inch thick mattess on the floor that I have been sleeping on whilst I have been staying with her recently!

Having my hair cut today as I look like the wild woman of Borneo and my nails done and hubby is taking me for brekkie and then my son and I will go to see Ma.I will deffo enjoy a bit of pampering I think!

Take care ,

Jacci xx

Hi Jacci,

You sound like you are coping so well, it helps when you can get a good night's sleep.  The pampering will also do you good.  I couldn't help laugh at the "eye" comment by your Mum, bless her.  Jacci you seem so logicial which is a good thing, I think all my logic went out of the window when my Mum was ill. You know she is in the right place and being cared for wonderfully, albeit that she may not be so keen on being there.  I had guilt feelings about my Mum going to the hospice even though I knew it was the right thing; reading your post has confirmed that in these circumstances it's definitely the right choice.  I really hope you can stay strong and wish you lots of quality time with your Mum.  Hope x

Morning Jacci

Enjoy the pampering as its a great way to relax and we all need that from time to time. Related to the 'wild woman of Borneo' comment - mind you with the constant wind and rain its no surprise that its hard to keep the hair under control (mine now very short so under some control at present).  Hope you find your Mum 'on the ball' when you visit later though have to say some of the funny things my Dad used to come out with helped the atmosphere no end and gave us all something to talk about!!  Take care. Jules xx

Morning Jacci

Enjoy the pampering as its a great way to relax and we all need that from time to time. Related to the 'wild woman of Borneo' comment - mind you with the constant wind and rain its no surprise that its hard to keep the hair under control (mine now very short so under some control at present).  Hope you find your Mum 'on the ball' when you visit later though have to say some of the funny things my Dad used to come out with helped the atmosphere no end and gave us all something to talk about!!  Take care. Jules xx

Hi all, well this cancer journey certainly is a rollercoaster, got to hospice on Saturday and the dr wanted to see me. Mums sodium levels were very dangerously low so would you believe we had to be transferred to another hospital.

Mum is now in Kings College in London, we arrived there at approx 21.30 and went onto ward at 5.00am! It seems it is the sodium problem that is causing her confusion and mental issues.If left untreated it can cause a life threatening seizure and the hospice dr felt if there was a chance of reversing it we had to act.By all accounts the tumour produces a hormone which depletes sodium, her oxygen levels have dropped big time too...it looks like she will need oxygen all the time now and bless her she has now got a catheter and drip as well.She is still confused and worryingly has stopped eating she just has no appetite which is a bit of a problem as she is an insulin dependant diabetic but there are ways round that.When she isnt being confused she is sleeping more and more and with the confusion I dont think she really cares if I am there or not bless her and for once in my life I am not being melodramatic!

Mum at the moment has absolutely no quality of life at all...this disease is relentless and evil,She has lost 14 lbs in the last 4 weeks and I have a feeling now that the disease may be making its final progression, we shall see....words cannot describe the emotions in my head and heart.Mind you my Ma is very strong but really with the life she has at the moment being strong and fighting it is no good.I feel so so sorry for her.

Take care,

Jacci xx

Mum passed away peacefully at 1.10 this morning. I am relieved for her as she is not suffering anymore but hate this evil evil disease with a passion.From diagnosis to end was 24 days.

Thank you all so much for your support....I dont know how well I would have coped without it.

Take care,

Jacci xx

Jacci

First and foremost I offer my condolences on the loss of your Mum and its a blessing that her passing was peaceful.  You did so much in such a short space of time to make sure she got the best care in the short period she battled her illness and despite her confusion you will know that deep down she knew you were there for her.  I am sure you are benefitting from the love of your family and take all the support you can during the coming weeks.  If I or the forum can help with that support in any way we are here for you. I can only send peaceful thoughts and comforting hugs virtually but am keeping you in my thoughts at this time. Jules xx

Jacci,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Relief was my initial reaction when my parents died but was quickly followed by many other emotions.  Please take care of yourself and take strength from your family.  We will always be here if  you need extra support.  Hope xx

Oh jacci

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely mum.

I'm very sure your mum knew that you where

There for her and you loved her very much.

Please take time to look after yourself

And remember your forum friends are here

For you when ever you need to talk.

Hugs to you and your family xxxxx

Again, thanks all...I am truly blessed with my family and friends I really am and your support on here has been totally invaluable.

I have decided to stop rushing around as that seems to have been all I have done since Mum went into hospital in December, I know I have a lot to sort out in the next few days/weeks but Im going to take my time and have also decided this is my time now to be selfish and start taking care of myself again. Im obviously not going to work until the funeral and have decided to take an extra week off after that to really relax and attempt to get myself back into some semblance of the new normality that my life will now be.

When my brother (my only sibling) died very suddenly 9 years ago I didnt do that because obviously I had to be there for Mum but now I think I need to be here for me, God that does sound selfish doesnt it but I know what I mean.

Again, thank you so so much, I really wish none of us had to be here in the first place but this site and you have been an absolute godsend, I can never ever thank you enough.

Take care.

Jacci xxx

Morning Jacci

Please never think yourself of selfish. You have been awesome in the last few weeks with the support for your Mum and you  most definitely need to take care of yourself.  The emotional turmoil hits hard and takes so much out of you that you must take time out to both grieve and find the right 'normal' at a pace that suits you.  Its great that you have close support and I have found that invaluable too during our own journey.  This forum just somehow always delivers the right words at the right time because so many people sadly understand.  Its weird, no one would choose to be here but once you are its like having a whole new family, virtually.  Sending hugs. Jules xx

Bless you Jacci,

I am sending condolences to you on the death of your  Mum.

I have been reading your thread for a while now and havn't wanted to interupt.

You have worked so hard for the best care for your Mum and absolutely done your best.

Now is the time to take a deep breath and look after yourself. It is not selfishness, it is survival.

You deserve a bit of care now and a lot of hugs and love.

take care Jacci,

best wishes

Annabel. xx

Thanks Jules and Annabel, I know I keep using the word rollercoaster but it really is, and one that we cant get off. I know when I lost my brother I never ever thought I would recover but obviously  time is a healer and you have no choice but to get through it.

Because Mum and I had this very strange relationship( she would go for months with me asking to meet up or go to each others houses and she would always say no) this is all so wierd. I know in her lucid moments she was pleased I was with her and I thank God that I was there as now she has gone I know I tried to do all I could and that is a comfort to me. I dont think I was prepared for the severe loss I feel but then again no matter what your Mum is your Mum I suppose.

In an ideal world I would stay in my bed today in a little cocoon but I wont, have a few things I want to do to get things sorted but slowly and surely is how I will do it.

Again, thank you all so much my virtual friends.

Take care,

Jacci xx

Oh Jacci,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I do feel for you. I would just like to say, I always feel that a part of our mothers live on inside of us for they have played such a big part in our lives and are responsible for the person we are. I hope this will be of comfort to you during this painful time.You also did all you could for her.

Please take care, Brian.