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About to become homeless

Laurajs
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Hi there , so after my previous post I have decided to end things with my partner . He doesn’t make me happy , hasn’t for years . Makes me question everything I do and criticises me at every opportunity. Now I’m going through cancer and treatment for cancer and how he has been been me during this time has made me re-evaluate everything and i told him I don’t want to be with him anymore . Thing is I live in his home and he wants me out . We have 3 children together and the boys have decided they want to stay with there dad , my daughter isn’t sure . That thought alone is breaking my heart but I can’t do this no more , had 6 weeks of silent treatment from him I cannot and won’t take anymore . He tells me I havnt even got a teaspoon to my name and I have no savings so essentially I’m going to be homeless . What do I do ? I don’t want to go into a hostel but is that my only option?Will I end up on the streets and if so will I have to stop my treatment because I don’t have a car or anything . I feel so stupid I gave up everything for that man , my career, my friends , myself . He knows I have nothing and he loves that fact . Please help with some advice because it’s making me feel so stressed 

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    Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation however please know it is temporary. No man should treat you this way so I’m glad you know your worth. Get onto your local housing association, explain your situation and I am sure they will help you as a priority. You should get housed with your children to allow your treatment to continue. Also, make contact with universal credit who will assess your financial situation and get a plan in place. You may not have it all right now, but you will be better off. Do not give him the satisfaction of seeing you hurt. Hold your head high and put plans in place. People will help you, maybe reach out to local charities who could support you. You do not have to do this alone xx

  • Offline in reply to Myboomie

    Thank you so much for your reply . I have  spent weeks if not months being upset about it all and now I just feel numb to it tbh and today I woke up and decided I didn’t want this life no more it’s making me feel suicidal . I am receiving help from my local mental health team . Everybody says to me to be strong but sometimes it’s so hard . I told him today it’s over and he agreed he isn’t bothered in the slightest . I don’t want to lose my kids but he knows I can’t offer them anything and won’t be able to give them lifts anywhere etc because I don’t have a car . I’m going to contact my council this week and I have been on a website called entitled to which regarding finances has put my mind at rest . He has said to me a few weeks ago whichever way I go whether I leave or die he is going to replace me straight away . Everything just seems so hard and undoable at the moment . How can somebody you’ve been with for 15 years treat somebody they r meant to love like this? I’m not upset it has ended ok relived more than anything it’s just not that easy to walk away when you have nothing 

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    Hi Laurajs, 

    The decision you took demanded enormous courage but it is such an important step towards finding happiness again as you mentioned you haven't been happy for years and even if you are feeling understandably very stressed at the moment, there is help available so don't hesitate to reach out. You are going through cancer treatment so this is a time when you need to feel protected and concentrate on yourself and your wellbeing. 

    What I think you should do as soon as you can find a moment alone is ring the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 - you can call in confidence 24-hours a day and if you are in an emergency, call 999. The good news is there is help available with housing and they even have a page on Help with Housing  for victims of domestic abuse which I suggest you read carefully. By ringing the helpline you will be offered expert guidance and support on what to do and what housing options are available to you. The page mentions that "it is important that you do not tell anyone who may pass information on to your partner where you are going." You can in the first instance seek a refuge place and do mention when you talk to the adviser on the helpline that you have children too as you are allowed to also take your children with you. Another option mentioned on the Refuge website is to contact your local authority and make an emergency homelessness application. It is mentioned that "the local authority is likely to have a legal duty to re-house anyone experiencing domestic abuse. In the majority of cases, you will be considered ‘unintentionally homeless’ under the law." The third option listed there is to go to a property your partner doesn't know - "this may be the property of a friend or family member in another location, away from your perpetrator, where you can stay for a few days to have space to consider your options." So read all the information carefully that is given in the Help with Housing  section of the Refuge website and try and find a safe moment to be alone and ring their Helpline on 0808 2000 247 as they will be in the best position to guide you on what would be the best thing to do in your situation - remember, they have a lot of expertise in situations like yours and have (sadly) talked before to countless people who have been in exactly the same position you find yourself today so they will be happy to guide you and help you find a safe space for you. Make sure you tell them too that you are currently going through cancer treatment as it is important they are made aware of this so that they can point you in the best possible direction. 

    Don't feel stupid about what happened in the past with that man, none of this is at all your fault and it is important that you remember that - I just wanted you to know we are all here for you; you've taken a very brave step but I just wanted you to know there is support available so do ring the helpline as soon as you can. 

    We're thinking of you Laurajs and we are here for you and wanted you to know you are not alone. Do talk to an expert as soon as you can and keep in touch on how things develop for you. It's an incredibly difficult time for you but we are all with you to support you and comfort you every step of the way.

    Best wishes,

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Lucie

    Wow Thanku Lucie , in tears reading your reply . Do you think it is domestic abuse ?he has only been violent to me twice it’s more what he says . I feel a little silly ringing them wen there’s people out there that really need the help 

  • Offline in reply to Laurajs

    You have so much to offer your kids, you’ve made the most brave decision to take this step. No person on this earth should make you feel suicidal, let alone someone who claims to love you. This is a reflection on him and not you. Stay strong and get your ducks in a row. Everyone is here for you keep your head high. He certainly won’t be able to work, run a house, provide childcare and replace you immediately. I promise it’s hard now but you will look back at this as the best decision of yours and your children’s lives. Keep us updated how you get on I hope you’re ok xx

  • Offline in reply to Myboomie

    Thank you , I will make the calls tomorrow and try and make an appointment with my council . I will keep you updated on what they say . I’m not ok but now I’ve told him it’s over I’m not going to let him see me shed one more tear in front of him . He actually put me in hospital last year for 7 weeks he made me feel that suicidal that I tried to end it but I’m still here and this time I won’t let him do that to me xx

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    If you've brought the kids up, he's in for a helluva shock if he thinks everything is his.

    My dad tried to do this to my mum over 30 years ago. She left with nothing, and everything was in his name. Back then too, women were expected to stay at home, whilst the guys were usually the bread winners. Well, the courts take your years of sacrificing a salary and career as to bring up kids into account when deciding who is legally entitled to what. The fact you're married also works in your favour, though that too isn't the dealbreaker it used to be.

    My mum got half of everything and my dad had to pay maintenance for his 3 kids (well, 2 as my sister had just turned 18). Won't be a walk in the park and won't happen overnight, but you shouldn't be totally left high and dry.

  • Offline in reply to Myboomie

    Hi Myboomie , I hope you are well? Just wanted you to know I’ve posted an update on everything that’s going on xx

  • Offline in reply to Laurajs

    Laura I’m actually very proud of you, well done for finding your inner strength to stand up and say no more. It made me quite emotional reading your update, what lovely supportive parents you have. I’m here for a chat anytime, I went through something similar a few years ago although he left in the end when he moved in with his side peice so I got the house etc so very different circumstances. These next few weeks are going to be tough, but you will be so much happier as will your children. I’ve sent you a request so we can private message. You sound like a lovely person, I’m so sorry he’s ground you down all these years but I’m grateful you know your worth. The only way is up. Big hugs xxx

  • Offline in reply to Myboomie

    Morning Myboomie, 

    I’m sorry you went through a bad time with your ex I’m glad you got out of that situation. 

    I’ve accepted your friend request , thank you for being so kind xx

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