Norman's funeral was lovely, as Lisa and Faye and I said it was perfect apart from the fact that their Dad and my husband was dead, we had to have some black humour to get us through it all.  Faye, me, Lisa, Harry, Alfie and Luke walked behind the coffin which was laden with wild flowers and yellow carnations which I had had in my wedding bouquet.  I chose the Ed Sheeran song, Perfect for us to walk into but the symphony version.  The church was packed to capacity and during the service you could have heard a pin drop.  We had tears and smiles and Ella was so good, she is only nine but she held my hand and Harry put his head on my shoulder for comfort. We ended with Calm me Lord and that was our reflection time.  I spoke and hugged everyone of the mourners and the love sent our way was beyond belief.  Luke had organised the wake at Richmond golf club and without my knowledge paid for it all.  On the way home I called to see my brother Terry as he had major surgery on Friday and was not able to attend, I didn't tell him I was calling in and his face when he saw me said a thousand words.  The family have stayed as there is so much paperwork to be done.  Unfortunately I have had to see the doctor again tonight as I am still unwell, my lungs are still crackling and are now inflamed so I have to have a chest X Ray.  Still I made it through yesterday without collapsing in a heap and no one knew I was not well, they just put my pallor down to grief.  Norman would have been amazed at how many people were at his funeral, it's just a pity that he never realised how much love and respect came his way.  Goodnight to all of you, Carol xx

Dear Carol,

I am glad Norman's funeral went so well. It is always surprising, but comforting, to see lots of unexpected mourners at the funeral of a loved one. I'm sure you will take comfort from that in days to come.  I hope you will now take some time out to rest and get better, and let the children ( grown up ones, I mean ) take care of the paperwork for you.

When you go back to the beginning of this blog and start reading it, as so many of us on this forum have done, you will realise it is compulsive reading.  I didn't stop until I go up to date at the time.  I don't know who has copyright, but I believe it should be published as a book for everyone to read  Your honesty and good humour, together with your writing skills would make it a best-seller, I'm sure!

For now, rest, recouperate and remember the happy times you and Norman shared and take comfort in the fact that you kept him going and enjoying life to the very end. 
 

Lots of love,

Christine xxx

Couldn't have put it better myself Christine and I agree wholeheartedly - Carol, your blog has helped me so much and as I said before I hope I can stay as strong as you have throughout my journey with my husband. The outpouring of love at your dear Norman's funeral speaks volumes about you both. I don't even know you but after reading your blog I for one definitely feel as though I do and I'm sure I speak for many - so "thank you" Carol. Sending lots of love and hope that you will soon be feeling much better. Thelma xx

Firstly thank you all for the love and kind words and it is lovely to hear that I have helped others that is what life should be about, helping and caring for others, that is where the love comes from and even I hadn't really realised that until Monday.  I have k own most of the mourners since I was engaged to Norman and others were friends gathered along our life's journey whom we never discarded, even in our darkest days I still kept contact with others.  Towards the end Norman lost his confidence and felt he had been abandoned by friends but I always tried to explain that he wasn't it's just that he really wanted it to be just he and I.  That isolates you as a couple and although I dedicated a lot of time to him I knew that I would soon be alone and a widow so it needed to include others or I would have lost friendships.  How many couples say, we only need each other, that leaves you abandoned and grieving even more when one of you dies, it is bad enough for me now so to have no one to turn to must be devastating.  My beautiful family have all left to go and live their lives to the full, Lisa and Faye cried upon leaving me, I will be OK I told them and I will, my strength will see me through these dark days.  The grandchildren hugged me and Ella said I was a beautiful grandma, Harry told me he loved me he has lost so much in a few months, he granny Sue, Daddy's Mum, his grandad Norman, he clung on to me for dear life.  Alfie is 14 and doesn't really comprehend that his beloved grandad is no longer here, despite the funeral.  Luke has wept buckets of tears on his Mum's shoulders and I have wept on Faye and Lisa's.  We have cried so much we decided we should allocate a particular hour to do it so we weren't all crying at separate times!  Take care my good cyber friends.  Love to you all, Carol xxx

It's not been a good day, Sunday was our day of crossword puzzles, lunch and a journey out in the car.  Instead I'm on my own, grieving and feeling so lost I can't think straight. I now count the hours down to bed time and flick from movie to movie watching nothing.  Faye rang and said she is the same, a little bit of something never fully completed.  Sue rang this morning to tell me Luke has covid, she obviously thinks he has got it from the funeral but he works with people everyday so who knows.  She was trying to make me take another test, I refused, Faye says the guidelines are not to test for 90 days after testing negative , so why would I?  This has upset me because I am fragile and she asked me why I was upset, because Norman died four weeks ago, I'm lonely, sad and grieving, I'm still unwell due to a chest infection, it's not all going away in a month.  She also texted both Faye and Lisa to tell them, they are hundreds of miles away, they don't need to know.  I pointed out all rules finish Friday, yes she said so now we will never know who we are sitting next to!  I didn't choose to get covid it was handed to me on a plate by the  NHS, which did not look after me or my family in any way or form during the past five weeks.  So a little angry and upset over attitudes today.  Xx

Dear carol, I know you have plenty on your mind, and im not good with words always alot of times,so please have my apologies if i muck my words up when I am thinking other things than I write .

You know you have a very good following on the forum wishing we could help some way or another .  Sending our love and anything else we could share with you.

Hope you're still managing to eat and drink .

Love Billy xxxx

Dear Billy, it's 4.30 am and I'm wide awake, the trouble is that I'm now only exhausted from grief and still not feeling too well.  So as whereas before I would sleep because I looked after Norman and was tired, that's all gone.  I had my chest X Ray yesterday and get results in a week, and I've now decided to go to Lisa's earlier as she has tto isolate, I need to get away from this empty house, you see it's just a house now, no longer a home without us two.  Everyone is still keeping in touch and making sure I eat but it's all so very lonely.  Don't ever worry about your words as the meaning always comes through as to what you want to say.  How is Bren doing and you?  Dorothy was at the funeral she had no idea who I was or why she was there it was just a day out for her.  She kept saying, do I know you and have a nice day and she is so thin and has a walking stick now, dementia is as cruel as cancer, its a long slow decline for Dorothy and its all so sad.  I'm sat slurping hot milk hoping it will lull me back to sleep.  Take care Billy, love Carol x 1

Dear carol.

Glad you are having a bit of company and managing to keep going .

Brenda's head is like a sieve sometimes,i tell her some thing and minutes later she's forget most of it and i get blamed for not telling her,same as she can't remember any of our married life together but still remembers her first husband but only the good times as he usto beat her but she's blank about that. She's happy that's main thing . she's getting about the house better still aways trying to do more, two years earlier she was using baby breakers and making a mess, now she's using cup or mug and drinking well and tidy.

Were both getting rid of a cold no idea where it came from .

im ok apart from lack of energy again .

i wrote this about 5 this morning, but forgot to send and it deleted so wrote again . just now.

Thinking of you and sending you our love.

Billy xxxx

Dear Carol, and Billy,

Words can't help, really, when you are grieving, because the pain is getting in the way, but knowing that the person saying those words, (whether they are struggling with them or speak easily) truly feels for you and wants to help in any way they can, pierces a tiny hole in the black cloud surrounding you, just enough to help you know you aren't totally alone. Some time in the far distant future, when you are able to see through the cloud a little, you may be comforted by the words of those who care.

We care! We care for the grief of your bereavement, Carol and for your daily struggle, Billy, of caring for your beloved Bren against all obstacles.

Christine xxx

Dear Carol, I hope you're managing to find a way of getting through the days.

I'm another who can never seem to find the right words, but I'm thinking of you, and of everyone who is at their lowest ebb right now.

I'm glad you have company and I hope that in time you and your lovely family can smile - maybe even laugh - at your memories of Norman.

I wish I could say it will get better. For us, we're nowhere near that stage yet, although it's only been a few months.

My Mum keeps herself busy and I'm supporting her as much as I can and spending as much time with her as possible. Also I've learned that she doesn't always want me there and wants to be left alone to do as she pleases without a constant reminder of what's happened under her nose. I think sometimes company r exhausts her and she'd rather not have to talk. Maybe you'll have days like this; if so don't feel bad about it; do what's right for you.

I keep telling myself that the fact that it hurts so much and that I miss my Dad so much goes to show how very very lucky we were to have him.  You obviously had a very special man in Norman too.

Take care xx