This is all so very hard, it is all so very lonely being on.your own all day and all night.  I don't have the energy to complete a job, I swept the leaves up, they're still on the ground as I can't complete the job of putting them in the bin.  I want company but then wish I was alone as its all so exhausting talking and communicating with others.  I've spoken to Lisa today and that's it, the weekend looms ahead like a never ending few days of torment.  I'm now counting down the days to when I go away, Norman's bedroom door is still shut, the images are too much to bear.  I really appreciate you all checking on me, it's a blessing that people care enough.  Debs your Mum is like me, I'm. Happy for company a little then wish to be left alone to my thoughts.  The children face timed me last night but it's even hard talking to them as their grandad would have chipped in, or as he normally did hog the conversation!  If I make tea I end up eating the same thing the following night but it doesn't matter as long as I have food.  I can see my face getting thinner and it's not a good look on me.  I miss the hugs, the chat the silly jokes we had together, it's all gone, forever.  Grief is exhausting and I have no idea how long it will before I can make a different life for myself.  Norman said before he died that he wanted me to get on with life, but how do you do that without the one person who knew you inside out?    Carol xx

Hi Carol

There are plenty of other who can offer advice through their own experiences so let them help you.

You are never going to get over the loss of Norman what you will do is learn how to live with that loss.

It may not seem like it now but your life will start again.  You will have things to look forward to especially your grandchildren.

Take care of yourself  River.

Hi everyone, another long lonely Sunday.  I did a few jobs this morning, read the paper, ate some cheese and crackers and it was still only 1pm and I'd spoken to no one but the shopkeeper when I got the paper, I nearly picked Norman's paper up as well but suddenly remembered.  I got in the car and drove to the shops but knew I didn't want to be there but needed to see people.  I rang Mary on the way home, call in and have a cup of tea, they'd been out for Sunday lunch, something Norman and I loved doing.  I was home by 4pm and then Faye and Lisa rang me.  Norman's ashes are ready apparently and Lisa had rang the vicar about his parent's burial spot, they've found it and she has agreed to his internment with them, this means he will be in the graveyard of my church so I can visit when I want.  She has agreed to us having a small ceremony for this.  I've told the girls that I want their Dad home with me for a few weeks, he can go in the sunny conservatory where he spent a lot of time over the past five years and I can sit and chat to him.  So it will probably be Easter before  we all get together to have the ceremony.  I'm feeling better as each day goes by in health, my chest is healing and my appetite is returning more.  I'm not a moping person so I try very hard to not sit and feel sorry for myself, it won't help me or my family, they worry enough.  Lisa was going to drive up next weekend because its Norman's birthday but I've said no, it's too far to come and Margaret will be with me, so not all alone.  Take care all, goodnight, love Carol x 

Dear all, I collected my Norman yesterday, he is in a beautiful casket with his name on the top (obviously I  know  who it is!) but it's good to know it's him. I rang Mary to take me, she picks me up and I ask if she knows where we're going, yes she says, so we take off in second gear, she always forgets to change gear, drive past the road we are meant to go down, I'm going a different way she explains, I'm bemused as there isn't a diffent way, it turns out she is taking me to Coundon crematorium, as I didn't even  know  where Norman had gone to be cremated I found it quite funny, we did a U turn in the middle of the road and finally collected him.  Put him in the floor well I instruct her, put she pops him on the back seat as he won't fall off, my heart was in my mouth on the journey back imagine him falling off if she braked suddenly.  Anyway we made it, he is sat on the seat in the conservatory along with the bucket of hyacinths that I bought on Sunday, I send Lisa a photo and point out he  matches the wooden ducks we bought, Mum she says, it's so nice you've kept your sense of humour.  I rang Faye and said did she want the photo as well, she started crying, but yes she did, so I sent it to her as well.  I've just gone and got a gin and tonic, I passed him when I went for ice, don't look at me like that I tell him, it's well over the yard arm, it's comforting to have him home, where he belongs.  Xx

Dear Carol, I think you are wonderful the way you have dealt with everything and as your daughter Lisa said - you have managed to keep your sense of humour! I'm sure it will help to see you through and I'm so pleased that you have Norman at home with you and he is on his favourite seat in the conservatory. Naturally you will have emotional ups and downs but it so good that you are still on here writing your blog, helping to keep some of us that are going through what you've been through strong and for that I am grateful to you Carol. Goodnight and God bless you xx

P.S. Cheers - I hope you enjoyed your gin and tonic

Dear carol, glad you have Norman home again ,to keep you on the straight and narrow . glad the journey went ok despite wrong turn .

Take care keep safe, don't forget your daily g and t with ice .

Thinking of you .

Love Billy xxxx

Dear friends,  my first big hurdle today as it's Normans 76th birthday. I've visited him in the cold conservatory and wished him happy birthday darling, it's hard not to cry but puffy red eyes is not a good look when you're being taken out for lunch and Norman always likes me looking lovely, so I will try my best. I'm on countdown to next Saturday. Can you remember me telling you all about my national insurance number scam phone call after Normans death, well they upped the anti yesterday and there is now a warrant out for my arrest, so if I go awol you know why!  Really though what type of people do this for a living?  Fortunately I worked for HMCS so wknow how it works but how many vulnerable older people will be so scared, these thugs should hang their heads in shame. Much love to you all. Xx

It's only Wednesday morning but despite being busy the week has felt like a month.  Sarah came Monday and I started sorting out Norman's  little box of lovely things, his special ties, his watch I gave him for our 40th wedding anniversary with the two dates, 25/10/69 - 25/10/2009, his cufflinks from the girls weddings, pink for Lisa as the theme was pink, mother of pearl for Faye as  she wore a beautiful cream chiffon dress.  The handmade icing sugar golfer and golf bag from his cake for his 70th birthday.  I sat as tears ran down my face and packed them all away again.  I'll ask the girls if they want them as keepsakes, they both have sons so maybe they would like them.  Monday afternoon I went to the tip with all sorts but nothing of his as of yet I can't dispose of them. I came back home and it was still only 3.30pm.  Yesterday, I went and got my nails done, the lovely guy remembered me and was asking how I was getting on, you look tired he says, I am I reply, we left it at that.  Funny story though, the lady next to me who was about 60 was chatting to me, we compared the colours we had chosen and as she left the owner who was doing my nails said to her, Wow you have very big ears (he's Chinese so imagine it with the accent) pardon she said, you have very big ears he repeated, she looked confused, it's a compliment I said, it means you will have a long life, yes, yes, the Chinese man says, very, very long life when you have very big ears, she left but I'm not sure she believed us!  I was lucky as my compliment was that I had beautiful baby soft skin, it's a pity I don't have a baby age to go with it I said, he laughed.  So back home I got ready as Mary and Joe were taking me out to Walworth Castle for afternoon tea, I didn't want to go but they had arranged it all and it's all done for me, kindness and support but we three sat there eating a delicious tea and drinking Rose' wine but I felt like I had lost my right arm, three instead of four is an uneven number, it doesn't include my Norman, I'm now a spare part being taken out and it feels wrong, it's all out of kilter and I came home feeling worse because it shows me what I no longer have, a partner.  So once again by five pm the evening looms ahead of me, the loneliness, the dark kitchen where Norman spent his life, the television so loud I could hear it in the front room, to the point where I would have to go and ask him to please turn your bloody TV down!  How I wish I could hear it now, I'd turn mine up and leave him listening to his at the deafening high he had it on, mine would be on number 13 on the sound, his on 100 yet no there was nothing wrong with his hearing thank you!  So today I have nothing planned, Joe said go for a walk, why, I hate walking it's freezing cold and I did enough walking during the pandemic thanks.  Read a book he suggests, my mind won't absorb the words I tell him, he looks puzzled, I gave up, no one understands this grief where you're mind no longer works until they have been through it, it's beyond comparing so I don't bother.  Three days until Saturday, then I'll join my family, Mothers day wiil be spent with daughters whereas the past five years have not been.  Take care dear friends.  Love Carol x 

After a not stress free journey (is there such a thing?) I am safely in Surrey with Lisa and Harry and Zippy who are all happy to see me, especially Zippy who is now curled up next to me.  We're off to watch Harry climbing and then back home with a Chinese takeaway.  For the first time in weeks I feel like I'm where I should be.  Norman is safely at home still in  His casket but now on  the floor as it gets very hot in the conservatory and being looked after by my spare Norman and a Debbie.  Hope you're all OK. Carol xx

dear carol  really glad you are getting out and about, despite journey  . like the idea of your Norman getting to hot .

Glad you feel like you belong 

Thinking of you My dear carol .

Love Billy xxxx 

Brenda being a pain as another UTI and she's really high refused tablets so she's on liquid antibiotics and others i crush and put in her food luckily antibiotics taste of strawberries so she's happy with that .

Take care xxxx