Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

Hiya.  Your poor hubby; any gains have been made at a high price (I wonder if he is questioning how much more treatment he is prepared to tolerate.)  Sorry to say that; I have got into your habit of calling a spade a spade - but it is not my husband we are talking about - I don't actually have a husband - just to clarify in case I am spreading confusion in my wake.

So it is you who has caused the changes in the weather - buying garden furniture indeed! A friend/handyman - Jim - called round yesterday and trimmed back all the bits of bushes that I could not reach - at least I could have reached them if I had stood on a stepladder and used the trimmer thing - it's one of those that  you have to charge up beforehand - but even I knew that my confidence in my ability to do this safely was not very well founded.  Paul, the friend who lives with me, kept saying he would do it but he is even less steady on a stepladder than I am so I was pleased when Jim just took over the task without asking.  I am trying to simultaneously kill off moss in the lawn and plant some more grass seed.  Fingers crossed that it isn't the grass that is killed off while the moss thrives.

Hope you are not feeling too frazzled.  Annie

Hi ANNIE,  good luck with the lawn.  Mine looks nice, then I weed and feed and it looks like armagheddon,   so this year it's not being done!  Luckily I have a Lady gardener who is a lot younger than me and bounces better when she falls off ladders.   Norman has only been up an hour and is now asleep again, his infection is keeping him up in the night.  You're right, no more chemo etc. I will back whatever he wishes as he is even too tired to think about anything.  Immunotherapy is next so let's see where we are at next month.  It's good to have friends, I'm lucky most of mine are still here so I have support if I feel down.  Looking forward to seeing the family, it's  nice to have a laugh with the children. Love Carol  x

Well , who's a clever girl then?  I have managed to assemble my two new chairs all on my own!!   A lot more padding on these for his bony bum and plastic top on prosthetic leg so may help with the wounds.  I've just tried to a put my new garden furniture together  (time twenty minutes according to leaflet)  but twenty minutes later I have an arm and back assembled but can't screw them together on my own!!  Hubby has gone to Richmond for some fresh air, his heel has opened up again but the terrible fatigue is a little less today.  I have been invited to a wedding exhibition , through the ages, tonight so I'm looking forward to seeing what they wore years ago.  I've had a busy day tidying the garage up, getting rid of boxes and going to the tip.  I drove past our beautiful green open play areas on the way and some one had thrown a mattress on it, how can they do that, the tip is five minutes away, it's scandalous .  I'm hoping the glorious weather stays for when the family arrive, we could do Saltburn as the Ship Inn allow us to park there and hubby can sit on the wall and watch us all.  See you tomorrow .

I sleep like the dead and don't hear any up down, up down with the crutch and bladder infection, good job he didn't need me because I think I would have slept on.  I have a chiropodist appointment at eleven for my poor worn out tootsies,  which have a massive bruise on them due to me dropping the plastic jug full of bird feed on them!  Feet beautiful and not covered in hard skin and I come home to a hubby who says he feels a lot better,  yippee! ! Are you up to putting a garden chair together,  yep, let's go for it.  So two hours later,  24 bolts, washers and head covers,  we have four chairs to sit on and my bum tried them out for quality control.   We never fell out, even though he tried to get me to put the left side on top of the right side as the chair was upside down!  This is the first normal thing we have managed in the last fourteen months and we feel deliriously happy with our achievement.   A good day for once,  I won't get cocky because tomorrow is another day.  Love to all of you struggling out there.  Stay strong. X

We both sleep well and I decided to go to Darlington.   Hubby takes me, he seems more upbeat and I go for coffee and a date and walnut scone feeling content .  I buy Alfie two books, one of which the author signs as he's in the book shop.  Unicorn hair slides for Ella and ham and egg pie for us.  The town is bustling and I stand and watch the children chasing giant bubbles being blown by clowns.  The children love this simple play and really things don't change do they?  I receive a text from my Stepmother saying her sister has died.  I'm not upset as this intelligent midwife was diagnosed with dementia aged 55 years.  Five years later she went in a home and has lived in limbo for fifteen years, so I buy a card to send our thoughts to Enid.  Back home the sun comes out and we both snooze in the conservatory.   It's 8.30 pm and hubby is failing a bit like the light of the day.  He's gone for a bath as we are lunching out tomorrow.   Another good night should help.  See you tomorrow. 

Well he didn't have a good night  as his toe gave him Jip all night as he put iodine on it after his bath. I leave him in bed, go for papers mow the lawn and hose down the patio as the new grout looks like hard sand! I catch up with the neighbours who have just arrived home from Devon having had a wonderful time.  I'm so jealous, a holiday, I wish.  He's just wandered past the window and is mowing our joint lawn, he is such a lovely friend to us and is putting my table together for me.  Hubby finally comes down at noon looking smart for our lumch out, he tries so hard when he must feel like just giving up half the time.  So I have a new white linen top on,let's see if I can manage to not get gravy down it!  Xx

We had a lovely lunch but his hands are causing problems.   He dropped his knife on the plate and the poor lady on the next table nearly jumped out of her chair,  I mouthed sorry and she smiled back.  People can see the struggle he's having, shaky hands and slow walk but we enjoyed ourselves,  came home and our neighbour came round and put our table together.  By this time I'd had two vodka and lime plus a glass of wine so I was told to sit down and not get involved !  Today has been busy, busy and our love seat has been built so I've had four lots of cardboard to take to the tip, then our old bench was chopped up so off I went again.  Hubby has nodded  off a lot today and says he's tired and doesn't know why.  I tell him to sleep if he needs to, he's eating well so that's a bonus.  Family arrive tomorrow and I've just eaten Alfie's chocolate , it was calling me from the bunk beds, eat me!  So I did.  Xx

Hubby is very tired and his wounds are playing up,  so I leave him in bed and go to Tesco for a family shop.  I buy my neighbour some corona to say thanks for his help, It's not good to take these kindnesses for granted.   Faye should be here soon with two excited children, hubby has replaced the eaten chocolate and we'll keep my naughtiness quiet!  The weather has changed so it's  wet and windy which is annoying as it would be nice to sit in the garden I've worked so hard to get ready.  I'm hoping to eat al fresco tomorrow,  so keep fingers crossed for decent weather.  So if I go missing for a few days, forgive me because I'll  be doing nice things.  Xx

Hello Carol; not sure where the last few days have gone.  Weather was quite good over the bank holiday weekend but has been pretty depressing since then.  I keep blaming the weather for not being able to do anything in the garden but that quiet voice (conscience?) tells me it is not stopping me from cleaning inside the house.  Sorry Norman has been failing a bit sometimes but am pleased he has been enjoying outings too.  You seem to cope by keeping busy - and the occasional glass of wine - but I imagine there are still nagging worries at the back of your mind even while you try to do so much.  Hope you enjoyed the wedding dresses through the ages thingie.

The spring flowers (bluebells, various daffodils and odd bits and pieces) in my front, I cannot call it a garden it is more a strip of earth, were gone almost as soon as they arrived in the late spring weather.  Some of them I planted myself others were here when I moved in.    They were followed by my peony roses - a glorious colour - and everything is now just a muddy mess.  Some new grass has started to grow in parts of the back garden but has not grown at all in others.  Life is full of mysteries to me.  Annie

Hi ANNIE,  I've  been so busy that I've just sat down after playing badminton in the garden with Alfie.  They are going home tomorrow and I'm supposed to be going to a children's fund raising coffee morning at a good friends, I'm not sure I'll make it!  Yes I do keep busy it doesn't give you time to think the worst, I've spent a lot of time in the garden and the family arrive and it pours down.  Hope its a little better down your way. Xx

Hi ANNIE,  I've  been so busy that I've just sat down after playing badminton in the garden with Alfie.  They are going home tomorrow and I'm supposed to be going to a children's fund raising coffee morning at a good friends, I'm not sure I'll make it!  Yes I do keep busy it doesn't give you time to think the worst, I've spent a lot of time in the garden and the family arrive and it pours down.  Hope its a little better down your way. Xx

I've been awake since 6.15 am as Ella woke early and as it was her last day she was going to talk and talk until they left at 8.00 am.  They are home safe and sound and I've finally sat down.  We have packed so much into two and a half days it feels like a week!  Trampoline park, normal park, lunch out, chasing Pokemon trails for Alfie with me trying to follow a ten year olds directions,  whilst driving.  Yesterday was our only sunny day so Faye's friend came with her child and all three of them ran around the garden like lunatics whilst we sat talking and Grandma drank wine (trust me I needed it).  Hubby stayed in the house he has coped well but looked exhausted.   Faye has said he needs to write down what he wants to say to the Oncologist,  so she tells me this, I don't tell her that he's humouring her because I know that even if there was a list it would not be used!  The trouble with grown up children is that they still believe what we say is true.  They are here for a few days, flitting in and out giving sage advice and going home thinking they have helped!  I haven't even had a cup of tea in bed, I've got up with Ella and fed them both, taken tea up to hubby and popped one into Faye and a head appears from under the duvet,  Oh Mum go back to bed and I'll get up!!  This NEVER happens.  So washing done beds made and we are somewhat back to pre visit.  I thought I was at a coffee morning today, fortunately a friend texted it's the 8th of June, otherwise I would be dressed up with nowhere to go.  I'm having a nod off now! See you tomorrow. 

Crikey,  we must have been tired, I wake at seven as a drilling noise permeates my tired mind, who on earth is busy building stuff at this time of the day,  I'll have another half hour but sleep til ten.  I nearly have a fit but realised it doesn't matter!  I go to town, have a peaceful scone and coffee and chill out.  Hubby looks exhausted and falls asleep again, he's decided to see another GP about his hands and I agree as he is suffering badly.  He has dressed nicely today wearing a brown merino jumper and white shirt, but we spot two holes in the sleeve, is it moths he asks, looks like it I say, oh good, I'm now  moth eaten as well as everything else! !  A sense of humor, it has been missing for some time and it's nice to hear it.    The family have gone to meet each other at Kensington park today I hope the weather is better than our pouring rain!

Hi there.   Your family seem to be very caring and although we moan their naivety it would be awful if they didn't show how much they love us.    Nice morning here.  Paul, my pal here, went to Epsom for the Derby yesterday with his mates and came back with more cash than he left with so he was pleased.   He has good friends who help him - he has COPD and various other bits and pieces - but was pretty exhausted when he got home.  I thought I would tidy and clean the living room - he never throws anything anyway - instead I took the dog for a walk, lay on the settee and read my book and then fell asleep.  Come 4pm I decided I must do something useful, ran around for a couple of hours by which time I was covered in sweat and the dog needed another walk.  I have half-tidied and reorganised the stuff in the living room.  Sorry Norman is suffering with his hands and hope the new GP can give some help.  Just realised it is dog-walking time again so need to get dressed.  Annie

Hi ANNIE,  what a lot of dog walking!  My two grandchildren want a dog but Mummy and Daddy have told them they're allergic to them.  They've had no pets at all, it's a shame as they teach you responsibility to others.  We had dogs, cats, rabbits, guinea pigs, gold fish and haMs terse,    all came to an ignoble end but we loved them all!!  They love being here and never want to go home.  Ella ate everything we put in front of her, so I mention this to her and she whispers in my ear that my food is lovely but Mummy and Daddy's isn't!   I have a secret little smile as Faye hated cooking and handling raw meat, picking it up with finger and thumb and pulling a face all the time.  Faye is so worried about her Dad and feels pretty much unable to help as she is so far away.  They all love us both dearly and we must have done something right, as they keep coming back.  Enjoy the rest of the day Annie, I'm done now,  television and a glass of wine sound relaxing.  Love Carol x

It has taken hubby three hours to bathe, shave, dress wounds and get dressed and it's  one thirty before he comes down.  I keep running up and down to make sure everything is OK but it's a struggle with his bad hands.  I make bacon buns and tea for him, putting everything on the table so he doesn't have to carry things.  He dropped a whole cup of tea on the newspaper and breakfast top on Thursday, it's amazing how far a cup of tea spreads.  It took Faye and me two tea towels, dishcloth and hot soapy water to clean up.  It went under the TV, down the new cream chairs, dripped onto the floor and everything was sticky!  I'm done for the day as I'm tired and we're off to James Cook early tomorrow.   My cleaner is coming so she can struggle with the bunk beds and everything else.  Once I would have started the minute they left, now I shut doors and ignore it!  I'm sat here with a can of fly spray as I have a rogue fly who must have sensed my intention as it's disappeared but I'm poised if it returns.  Take care all my forum friends x

We're up at 7.15 am for our early appointment.   I'm driving due to the extortionate parking charges now applied and the lack of disabled parking.   At least I know my own registration number!  Hubby is good and doesn't say a bad word or hang onto the balance strap as he hates me driving, it must be a man thing as all my friends tell me theirs are the same.  We actually get a parking space near the door and arrive on time.  We're back now having tea and toast and he's a little bit happier today apart from the hand situation .  I've put him on strong cod liver oil, he's taken them for three days and says they're making things worse, I bite my tongue as this is obviously rubbish, it's my suggestion so it won't work!  Since the family have left I've been so tired and have done nothing, it makes me feel guilty for some reason,  I'm not used to doing nothing .  Back to my exercise class tomorrow and hopefully we girls can sort a day out at the pictures .  It's rained for two days so sitting in the picture house won't matter!  So a little better day for us as he's not in as much pain as he has been.  See you tomorrow. X

Yes I do seem to have been in and out dog-walking.  The weather has been so changeable;  Muffin does not like the rain and I don't like takinng him out too long when the sun is beating down so as well as a decent walk on the common or in the park I take him for a few shorter walks when it is cool but not wet.  Muffin and I collided on the back door step into the garden; he was okay but I was on the ground caught up in the broom I had been using to prop open the back door to let Muffin in and out.  My big toe is swollen and bruised and my leg is cut; and I think I have strained my arm in some way.  But I don't think anything is broken which is a blessing; having osteoporosis I always fear that will happen even though I do take the tablets.  There isn't so much walking happening today as a consequence.  So is there any improvement re Norman's hands; was it the doctor who you were seeing.  It is nice when your family want to keep visiting you and wanting to help (don't mention the cooking situation!).  I know what you mean about far a spill can spread; even when you think you have finally got it all it suddenly appears to have seeped some distance away.    Best wishes to you both.  Annie

Hi ANNIE,  you sound as accident prone as me, I've done some serious falling over in the past few years and really hurt myself.  I do stupid things like prop the garage door open with the Broom handle, then forget it's  there!  When Lisa lived in Guildford I had Harry as she needed help due to hubby being away, I took him to the park, had a lovely day then fell over a foot HIgh chain that linked two fences together.   I bruised my face, tore my jumper and had tarmac burns on my shoulders.   I hid it all as I think people would start to query my stability !  My Mum had osteoporosis and it's so painful and debilitating that I understand what you mean about breaking things.  The wedding dress evening was brilliant.   The guy presenting it is in some royal society of wedding dresses society.

   He did the beading on Princess Diana's wedding dress and spent the day with the wedding dress team.  We had Pippa Middleton' s bridesmaids dress walking down the church aisle, we were forbidden from touching it.  Coco Chanel original wedding dress for a high society wedding, never worn as the bride ran off with the chauffeur two days before the big day.  Lots of stories and very interesting .  It's nice to do something different.   So take care of yourself and no more falling over brooms!!  Xx

I get up to call the surgery for an appointment and ask if we can see a specific GP.  This is not available until 18th June so I decline as we see the Oncologist on Monday, why do you need to see this GP I'm asked, because we have a rapport with her, she's seen hubby for the last year,  knows the problems and listens.  Many of them we have never seen and when we have they are dismissive of our concerns.   So I'm back to calling at 8.00 am on Thursday and hoping I get our GP!  I go to zumba and my friend Chris is in a state her man has had pneumonia but after a Pet scan a shadow has shown on his ribs.  They don't have a very good relationship and she is nervous and upset about what is happening.   I chat to her after the class and tell her how things work should it be bad news.  I've invited three friends to our children's society coffee morning and they accept,  including Chris as they are not at the hospital until 4.20 pm on Friday,  I say we can keep her mind off it and she agrees.  Back home I shower, have coffee and hubby seems a little better.   He goes to the golf club but just drives around as he can't hold a club.  He comes home saying how frustrating it is and I sagely agree.   I've tootled off to M & S to buy pie and potatoes for tea, spot triple distilled vodka on offer so I buy it, it's only when I get home I realise it's  37.4 %  alcoholic.   Couple of those and I'll have to set a triple alarm in the morning! !  See you tomorrow. 

I have a lie in and then go to my class.  Apart from his swollen hands, open wounds and his leg troubling him again, (he says it's been set so he walks like a duck)  things are good!  Christine is there and says her husband has gone very quiet, I tell her mine did that and to just leave him to his thoughts.   Men don't like talking about things, women have an easier time as we have friends who support us.  Back home I mow the lawn as I'm already sweaty from the exercise.   My lawn mower is ancient and keeps cutting out after two Lengths, I've been trying to buy a new one for years and as usual he stymies my pleas.  Well today I stand and yell, I WANT A NEW LAWN MOWER, at the top of my voice.  Hubby comes to the back door to see what's going on, and to shut me up we take off to B & Q (10%,  off for pensioners on Wednesday), and I have a shiny new orange lawn mower!!  So here I come council tip, I will not be sad to see you go!!  We've just had tea and I've tried my new vodka, it went really well with spaghetti and meatballs.   See you tomorrow.