Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

I've  arranged to meet Margaret, pick her up and drive to town.  I've seen a new coffee shop so we head there.  Trouble is there are only three tables, who opens a cafe with three tabkes  So we can't get in, never mind I say there's a vintage tea rooms in Clarks yard so we head there.  Only us as customers so we hog a table for an hour, she's a lot better after her hernia op.  I come home and hubby is happy, having spent a chatty hour on the phone with our younger daughter.   His hands have gone down in size and his neck is a little better, so a better day.  I mow the lawn, get the strimmer out and promptly churn up the new grouting, argh.   I check to see if he's noticed, grab the Broom and quickly sweep it up, oh well it lasted a week!  Quick food shop tomorrow and then the Royal wedding .  Enjoy your weekend all of you. Xx

I'm sat with a large glass of rose wine and a Vale of Mowbray pork pie, toasting the Royal wedding which is glorious.   It takes you back to your own wedding , many moons ago when you thought the world would be kind to you because you were so in love.  In sickness and in health has been a long standing wedding vow and I remember thinking , yes I will cherish him in sickness and health. Always.  We  had our healthy years and now we are coping with in sickness,  forty years later.  Hubby is not well today, his hands are swollen again and his neck is paining him, so the gloss of the day has been taken away by this evil thing called cancer.   I feel the tears pricking my eyes as nearly fifty years ago I never thought for one moment we would have to face cancer.  So I wish the happy couple all the best and hope and pray they never have to face what we are all going through and have a long,  happy healthy life.  Xx

Hi Caz. I too watched the wedding. Beautiful but I kept thinking of our lovely Diana. She would have been so proud today. Both lovely boys bless them. I wish them a long healthy and happy life. I like you nursed my lovely husband of 47 years with cancer. I lost him 12 years ago but miss him every hour of every day. Never in my worst nightmares would I have thought I would be diagnosed these years later. Like you say you are so full of love and hope at the start. Someone said to me once yes it's heartbreaking to lose them but wonderful and lucky to have found your soul mate and had all those years together. I thank god for my three wonderful daughters and my six loving grandkids. These are hard days for you I know. Sending you lots of hugs. Keep raising a glass or two.xxx

I bet it is a relief to the people I badgered to try to find you - when you cannot remember the user name it is a bit of a hopeless cause!  I watched the start of the wedding today - beautifully simple dress - she of course knows how to appear well on screen as well as in life.  We went out for the afternoon to a little pub/cafe/restaurant on a nearby common and just sat and enjoyed the sun.

I suppose it is a good thing that we don't know what life has in store for us; the good is great and makes the bad when it comes so much worse.  Although I sometimes despair of what is happening in the world I have to remember that most people are good and caring and it is the bad thigns that make the most noise - and cause so much pain. 

On a happier note, it was a lovely day for the wedding and for everyone sitting in the sun.  Annie

Thank you ladies for your lovely memories and kind thoughts, as we three have said it was a glorious day of love and a beautiful wedding.  Obviously we are all older and have had our days in the sun, but we all wish for more when we realise we may lose the one we love.  Daughter's and grand children are a blessing and mine are coming for half term.  Faye asked if they should stay somewhere else but I said no, we will cope, If it gets too much we will go out and leave him in peace.   He's not good today,  he has struggled to get out of the bath and although he wanted to have a drive out, the energy is not there,  so only having been downstairs since noon he's asleep in his chair.  I said I didn't mind staying home as long as we  are here together.  I feel a little down today as I know all is not well but I am keeping calm and not letting it show, hubby is struggling with his own emotions,  he doesn't need mine to add to his burden.  I'm glad the weather was good, especially for all who celebrated the wedding in style.. Love to you all  xx

Having spent all weekend on edge I CALL THE SURGERY AT 8.00 am and am numer  fifty in the queue.   I make tea, get washed and by half eight I'm through to the reception . Appointment for ten am.  I alter the cleaners time, sort the bedding out, make more tea for tablets to be taken and off we go.  Dr Hardy a young pretty Doctor asks him what's wrong, he explains but adds it may be self inflicted as he payed golf last week and then he laughs.  You could have knocked me down with a feather!  He then tells her he isn't taking folic acid, should he be.  I bought you some, yes but I've not taken them because they are a different dosage, but the chemist said they were fine and I told you that, he shrugs and   I shut up, we come home none the wiser, the surgery ring us half an hour later, you've got a bladder infection,  can you collect a prescription !!  I literally am losing the plot, then he tells me he knew  he had an infection but I said he was OK, when I went to the surgery with the sample, no I did not, I say!!  A few angry words later he suggests we have a ride out.  Really!  But It's such a gorgeous day I swallow the hurt and  agree.  We go to Eggleston HALL GARDENS AND HAVE LUNCH AND COFFEE,  A ride back through all the country villages, the hawthorn  trees full of blossom and the clematis climbing over walls everywhere, my crossness  fades away and we arrive home happy and full.  Garden watered, new squirrel free nut and fat balls containers hung and my new non melt candles (I. e fake) placed in my outdoor lanterns and he's asleep in the conservatory.   Let's see how tomorrow goes. Xx

You were number fifty in the phone queue at your surgery!!??!  I thought  my surgery was bad and have never been more than tenth in the queue.  I am also amazed that they had an appointment free at 10am if there were that number of people before you - were they just ringing for a chat?    I comprehend less as I get older.  Who opens a coffee shop with only three tables.  People who don't want customers?  Perhaps it is just pretending to be a cafe and it is really just a front for something else!

The sun is shining; it is raining, a bit of thunder and the wind is blowing; some confusion somewhere in the weather.  It's a good thing that tomorrow always arrives as it gives us another chance at getting the day right!  Annie

I know Annie, things amaze me everyday.   At least now we don't pay an extortionate amount for the surgery number now, which we did before.  I've  actually got washed and dressed whilst waiting, totally bizarre.   No thunder yet, but pr will be as just watered lawn, ,xx

So we had a little discussion last night and both agreed that the treatments had done nothing for him apart from halve an incurable tumour.   We really don't know if it's been worth it because in the seven months since radiotherapy finished we could count on one hand,  the good days.  He hadn't  realised it's half term next week and is not looking forward to having family here twenty four seven.  I leave him in bed this morning and when I arrive home just after eleven he has only just come down stairs.  Everything is a struggle, the bladder infection,the stiff neck,  the shoulder pain, it's debilitating for him.  I had to get up at 5am as the wind was so fierce it was blowing the curtains horizontal due to my love of fresh air and combined heat I'd left windows open.  Mary and I go to buy new kitchen chairs which we struggled to get in my car and then I've had to lift them out on my own, so I'm exhausted from lugging them around!  Garden furniture arrives tomorrow,  probably why the weather has changed!   

I have to miss zumba as my furniture is arriving so I wash the kitchen floor and pick up all the dust that has blown in from the new grout,  chuck out numerous dead flies and the dreaded wasps and hubby stays in bed.  He has had a bad night and I leave him to rest.  This gives me time to work in the kitchen, which he normally hogs.  After all the warmth it's chilly today and the sun has disappeared.   Hubby has just come down and it's  nearly lunch time and his painful toe is still hurting him and his thumb looks infected form where he hit it on the door.  Everything is taking months to heal and it's very worrying to see.  He says he is going to tell the Oncologist exactly how he feels but I know from past experience that he will not be as forthright as he should.  He's old school and respects these people, especially when they have been kind to us.  It's our neighbours silver wedding today,  another couple blighted by cancer,   both Debbie's Mum and her sister died of breast cancer at a young age and Debbie  is always scared of getting it herself.   Hurry back you two I need furniture putting together! !

I have to miss zumba as my furniture is arriving so I wash the kitchen floor and pick up all the dust that has blown in from the new grout,  chuck out numerous dead flies and the dreaded wasps and hubby stays in bed.  He has had a bad night and I leave him to rest.  This gives me time to work in the kitchen, which he normally hogs.  After all the warmth it's chilly today and the sun has disappeared.   Hubby has just come down and it's  nearly lunch time and his painful toe is still hurting him and his thumb looks infected form where he hit it on the door.  Everything is taking months to heal and it's very worrying to see.  He says he is going to tell the Oncologist exactly how he feels but I know from past experience that he will not be as forthright as he should.  He's old school and respects these people, especially when they have been kind to us.  It's our neighbours silver wedding today,  another couple blighted by cancer,   both Debbie's Mum and her sister died of breast cancer at a young age and Debbie  is always scared of getting it herself.   Hurry back you two I need furniture putting together! !

Hiya.  Your poor hubby; any gains have been made at a high price (I wonder if he is questioning how much more treatment he is prepared to tolerate.)  Sorry to say that; I have got into your habit of calling a spade a spade - but it is not my husband we are talking about - I don't actually have a husband - just to clarify in case I am spreading confusion in my wake.

So it is you who has caused the changes in the weather - buying garden furniture indeed! A friend/handyman - Jim - called round yesterday and trimmed back all the bits of bushes that I could not reach - at least I could have reached them if I had stood on a stepladder and used the trimmer thing - it's one of those that  you have to charge up beforehand - but even I knew that my confidence in my ability to do this safely was not very well founded.  Paul, the friend who lives with me, kept saying he would do it but he is even less steady on a stepladder than I am so I was pleased when Jim just took over the task without asking.  I am trying to simultaneously kill off moss in the lawn and plant some more grass seed.  Fingers crossed that it isn't the grass that is killed off while the moss thrives.

Hope you are not feeling too frazzled.  Annie

Hi ANNIE,  good luck with the lawn.  Mine looks nice, then I weed and feed and it looks like armagheddon,   so this year it's not being done!  Luckily I have a Lady gardener who is a lot younger than me and bounces better when she falls off ladders.   Norman has only been up an hour and is now asleep again, his infection is keeping him up in the night.  You're right, no more chemo etc. I will back whatever he wishes as he is even too tired to think about anything.  Immunotherapy is next so let's see where we are at next month.  It's good to have friends, I'm lucky most of mine are still here so I have support if I feel down.  Looking forward to seeing the family, it's  nice to have a laugh with the children. Love Carol  x

Well , who's a clever girl then?  I have managed to assemble my two new chairs all on my own!!   A lot more padding on these for his bony bum and plastic top on prosthetic leg so may help with the wounds.  I've just tried to a put my new garden furniture together  (time twenty minutes according to leaflet)  but twenty minutes later I have an arm and back assembled but can't screw them together on my own!!  Hubby has gone to Richmond for some fresh air, his heel has opened up again but the terrible fatigue is a little less today.  I have been invited to a wedding exhibition , through the ages, tonight so I'm looking forward to seeing what they wore years ago.  I've had a busy day tidying the garage up, getting rid of boxes and going to the tip.  I drove past our beautiful green open play areas on the way and some one had thrown a mattress on it, how can they do that, the tip is five minutes away, it's scandalous .  I'm hoping the glorious weather stays for when the family arrive, we could do Saltburn as the Ship Inn allow us to park there and hubby can sit on the wall and watch us all.  See you tomorrow .

I sleep like the dead and don't hear any up down, up down with the crutch and bladder infection, good job he didn't need me because I think I would have slept on.  I have a chiropodist appointment at eleven for my poor worn out tootsies,  which have a massive bruise on them due to me dropping the plastic jug full of bird feed on them!  Feet beautiful and not covered in hard skin and I come home to a hubby who says he feels a lot better,  yippee! ! Are you up to putting a garden chair together,  yep, let's go for it.  So two hours later,  24 bolts, washers and head covers,  we have four chairs to sit on and my bum tried them out for quality control.   We never fell out, even though he tried to get me to put the left side on top of the right side as the chair was upside down!  This is the first normal thing we have managed in the last fourteen months and we feel deliriously happy with our achievement.   A good day for once,  I won't get cocky because tomorrow is another day.  Love to all of you struggling out there.  Stay strong. X

We both sleep well and I decided to go to Darlington.   Hubby takes me, he seems more upbeat and I go for coffee and a date and walnut scone feeling content .  I buy Alfie two books, one of which the author signs as he's in the book shop.  Unicorn hair slides for Ella and ham and egg pie for us.  The town is bustling and I stand and watch the children chasing giant bubbles being blown by clowns.  The children love this simple play and really things don't change do they?  I receive a text from my Stepmother saying her sister has died.  I'm not upset as this intelligent midwife was diagnosed with dementia aged 55 years.  Five years later she went in a home and has lived in limbo for fifteen years, so I buy a card to send our thoughts to Enid.  Back home the sun comes out and we both snooze in the conservatory.   It's 8.30 pm and hubby is failing a bit like the light of the day.  He's gone for a bath as we are lunching out tomorrow.   Another good night should help.  See you tomorrow. 

Well he didn't have a good night  as his toe gave him Jip all night as he put iodine on it after his bath. I leave him in bed, go for papers mow the lawn and hose down the patio as the new grout looks like hard sand! I catch up with the neighbours who have just arrived home from Devon having had a wonderful time.  I'm so jealous, a holiday, I wish.  He's just wandered past the window and is mowing our joint lawn, he is such a lovely friend to us and is putting my table together for me.  Hubby finally comes down at noon looking smart for our lumch out, he tries so hard when he must feel like just giving up half the time.  So I have a new white linen top on,let's see if I can manage to not get gravy down it!  Xx

We had a lovely lunch but his hands are causing problems.   He dropped his knife on the plate and the poor lady on the next table nearly jumped out of her chair,  I mouthed sorry and she smiled back.  People can see the struggle he's having, shaky hands and slow walk but we enjoyed ourselves,  came home and our neighbour came round and put our table together.  By this time I'd had two vodka and lime plus a glass of wine so I was told to sit down and not get involved !  Today has been busy, busy and our love seat has been built so I've had four lots of cardboard to take to the tip, then our old bench was chopped up so off I went again.  Hubby has nodded  off a lot today and says he's tired and doesn't know why.  I tell him to sleep if he needs to, he's eating well so that's a bonus.  Family arrive tomorrow and I've just eaten Alfie's chocolate , it was calling me from the bunk beds, eat me!  So I did.  Xx

Hubby is very tired and his wounds are playing up,  so I leave him in bed and go to Tesco for a family shop.  I buy my neighbour some corona to say thanks for his help, It's not good to take these kindnesses for granted.   Faye should be here soon with two excited children, hubby has replaced the eaten chocolate and we'll keep my naughtiness quiet!  The weather has changed so it's  wet and windy which is annoying as it would be nice to sit in the garden I've worked so hard to get ready.  I'm hoping to eat al fresco tomorrow,  so keep fingers crossed for decent weather.  So if I go missing for a few days, forgive me because I'll  be doing nice things.  Xx

Hello Carol; not sure where the last few days have gone.  Weather was quite good over the bank holiday weekend but has been pretty depressing since then.  I keep blaming the weather for not being able to do anything in the garden but that quiet voice (conscience?) tells me it is not stopping me from cleaning inside the house.  Sorry Norman has been failing a bit sometimes but am pleased he has been enjoying outings too.  You seem to cope by keeping busy - and the occasional glass of wine - but I imagine there are still nagging worries at the back of your mind even while you try to do so much.  Hope you enjoyed the wedding dresses through the ages thingie.

The spring flowers (bluebells, various daffodils and odd bits and pieces) in my front, I cannot call it a garden it is more a strip of earth, were gone almost as soon as they arrived in the late spring weather.  Some of them I planted myself others were here when I moved in.    They were followed by my peony roses - a glorious colour - and everything is now just a muddy mess.  Some new grass has started to grow in parts of the back garden but has not grown at all in others.  Life is full of mysteries to me.  Annie

Hi ANNIE,  I've  been so busy that I've just sat down after playing badminton in the garden with Alfie.  They are going home tomorrow and I'm supposed to be going to a children's fund raising coffee morning at a good friends, I'm not sure I'll make it!  Yes I do keep busy it doesn't give you time to think the worst, I've spent a lot of time in the garden and the family arrive and it pours down.  Hope its a little better down your way. Xx