Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

Today has been a good day and also a weird one.  I meet Mary for coffee and as usual we talk about the other half's tempers, attitudes and upsets over coffee and scones.  I do some clothes shopping as Lisa pinched my brand new top for Sunday lunch and promptly got gravy down it (the bane of having a large embonpoint ) so I tell her to keep it!  Back home we have lunch and I casually ask hubby if he knows when Tommy s funeral is.  This death was telephonesd to us by a so Called  friend who has never once phoned to see how we were,  how the treatment had gone, nothing, nada,  so we felt unhappy about being told of his death.   These are the things that tip you over the edge when you're struggling with your own imminent death.   So his reply was that he wasn't interested as he is too busy trying to stay alive himself.  What can I say to this, it's my greatest fear and we rarely voice it, it's the elephant in the room and we dance around it at our peril.  So he's gone to meet proper friends who care and are there for you.  The builder has turned up at last, patio furniture to order soon, you watch it'll snow when it turns up.  See you tomorrow 

I've  just taken hubby a cup of tea and I can hear his wheeze and he's also coughing again and his shoulder is paining him.  No wonder he gets grumpy living daily like this is no fun for him and upsets me to see him struggle.  We had a major catastrophe for tea last night,  I said I would make a curry and watch the qualifying grand prix laps on TV.  What I hadn't realised was I'd picked up the wrong jar and ended up cooking a blast your head off curry.  Faye faced timed us just as I was dishing up and told me to check the chilli rating on the front of the jar, three is hot Mum, ours was five!!  I didn't even know there was a chilli rating,  so we had a fork full each, both went red in the face and it's now stood on top of the bin outside cooling down. So off I went to our local Chinese and we are both still here.  I think today will be spent quietly as it's too hard for us to go anywhere, home is safer and he needs comfortable surroundings. Take care all of you brave people out there.xx

Sunday wa spent at home and I knew he was in pain because if I said black he said white!  It's the pain and feeling out of control that causes this and I just drank glasses of lovely red wine to keep me calm, this obviously worked as my haze of happy inebriation plus blood pressure tablets meant no arguments occurred.  Today is beautiful and once I've written this the red wine is coming out again and the garden beckons.   I finally got my way on the furniture and we have ordered a Love bench (ahhh) as this has a table in the middle for our drinks and a leave outdoor rattan  table and chairs, the picture showed a wine bottle on the table so that seemed appropriate for me. The guy on the end of the phone was a lovely Irish guy who said his name was Arter,  this confused me as I knew he was Irish but it sounded like an Asian name, until I twigged he was actually saying Arthur, we had a good laugh at that one, hope he doesn't report me to the race relations board!  See you tomorrow 

My son in law phoned me last night to discuss Lisa's 40th birthday,  he wants to take her to The Ivy which is opening in Guildford on the day  and then whisk her off to Barcelona for three days, so could I go to Surrey and look after Harry?  I had to say no, because I have no idea how things are going to be in 8 weeks time, this cancer life is impossible to plan around, will he be worse or a little better, going on past experiences definitely not better.  So we come to a compromise and put other sitters in place but if all well here I will travel down to stay.  This is the first time I have ever had to say no and it's  sad we're in this situation,  it affects us all.   Today is beautiful and I ring Mary and we take off for the garden centre and have lunch and a good chat.  She's off to her son's birthday this weekend so we won't see each other for a few days.  I look at the garden furniture and see that I've saved nearly three hundred puunds on line, so I buy two hanging baskets, back home the love seat has turned up but our neighbour is putting it together next weekend as they are off for their silver wedding.  Everyone is living normal lives and it hurts to see it.  See you tomorrow x

I go to zumba,  comeback happy and hubby has really swollen hands,  I suggest we make an appointment to see the GP but this is shouted down by him, so I say don't  shout at me and walk away, he's still trying to explain to me what is wrong,  but I've  already gone and his words waft in the air  I was going to suggest we have a ride out but he can't hold the steering wheel and I won't  drive because he is a back seat passenger,  so I'm having a quiet afternoon at home,  tea is an all ready made shepherds pie so feet up,TV on and my own company is more pleasant than his.  I know it's painful and frustrating but I have to take care of myself as well.  See you tomorrow. X

He thinks he still has a bladder infection so I'm up at 7.30 am to go to the surgery, the Doctor will call you they say, before lunch, well that hasn't happened!  His hands and neck are so painful I go on line and look it up and apparently it's part of lung cancer, the body is responding to the tumour and the symptons are exactly as hubby has.  What does it mean, is he getting worse?  My dedicated Mc Millan nurses have not been there for me, and I feel I have no rapport with them, so I'm loath to discuss problems with them, he wouldn't take  any notice of them because he feels let down by the lack of contact.   We  have a ride out to buy bird food and call in at The Fox Hole near Piercebridge to have a drink in the garden and check it out.  It's beautifully renovated and we are impressed so we book Sunday lunch for bank holiday weekend for us two.  We just arrive home and Alfie face times us to sponsor him for a run he's doing for the N.S.P.C.C. and we end up talking to Faye who wants to come home for half term.   Hubby tries to say it's too much for her but she's having none of it, not realising he means too much for him!  How can you refuse to let them come home, she wants to see Dad and the kids want to see us.  So we give in and say OK.  M &S steak pie and new potatoes for tea and a maybe a glass of wine or two for me.  Take care xx

Oh hello again; I am so pleased to be able to contact you.  I was away for a while - not quite the time away we had planned but still nice - and I was unwell for a short while.  I forgot your user name and I couldn't find you anywhere.  It was only when I came across somebody I had chatted to earlier and read her posts that I saw your name and thought "Great".   Even after this short time your life seems to have ratcheted up a notch stress-wise or am I wrong (I hope I am).  Well, at least we are getting a bit of summer now; the garden - such as it is - suddenly went whoosh and some plants would take over if not controlled.

Good to be back reading your daily posts.  Annie

Hi  ANNIE,  I thought I had lost you  I'm sorry you've been unwell and hope your break gave you some relief from everyday problems.  The stress levels are not too bad but when your partner is constantly unwell it's hard to stay focused.  I try hard to have some time to myself most days and good friends to back me up.  It's hard for Norman, because he is in most days and relies on me to keep him company.   We're not  doing too badly but I write my blog as I feel it, no point in pretending all is well,  this is a life controlled by cancerr,  I don't expect it to be wine and Roses,  well I may be missing the roses but the wine definitely comes in handylovely to hear from you , don't forget me!xx

I've  arranged to meet Margaret, pick her up and drive to town.  I've seen a new coffee shop so we head there.  Trouble is there are only three tables, who opens a cafe with three tabkes  So we can't get in, never mind I say there's a vintage tea rooms in Clarks yard so we head there.  Only us as customers so we hog a table for an hour, she's a lot better after her hernia op.  I come home and hubby is happy, having spent a chatty hour on the phone with our younger daughter.   His hands have gone down in size and his neck is a little better, so a better day.  I mow the lawn, get the strimmer out and promptly churn up the new grouting, argh.   I check to see if he's noticed, grab the Broom and quickly sweep it up, oh well it lasted a week!  Quick food shop tomorrow and then the Royal wedding .  Enjoy your weekend all of you. Xx

I'm sat with a large glass of rose wine and a Vale of Mowbray pork pie, toasting the Royal wedding which is glorious.   It takes you back to your own wedding , many moons ago when you thought the world would be kind to you because you were so in love.  In sickness and in health has been a long standing wedding vow and I remember thinking , yes I will cherish him in sickness and health. Always.  We  had our healthy years and now we are coping with in sickness,  forty years later.  Hubby is not well today, his hands are swollen again and his neck is paining him, so the gloss of the day has been taken away by this evil thing called cancer.   I feel the tears pricking my eyes as nearly fifty years ago I never thought for one moment we would have to face cancer.  So I wish the happy couple all the best and hope and pray they never have to face what we are all going through and have a long,  happy healthy life.  Xx

I'm sat with a large glass of rose wine and a Vale of Mowbray pork pie, toasting the Royal wedding which is glorious.   It takes you back to your own wedding , many moons ago when you thought the world would be kind to you because you were so in love.  In sickness and in health has been a long standing wedding vow and I remember thinking , yes I will cherish him in sickness and health. Always.  We  had our healthy years and now we are coping with in sickness,  forty years later.  Hubby is not well today, his hands are swollen again and his neck is paining him, so the gloss of the day has been taken away by this evil thing called cancer.   I feel the tears pricking my eyes as nearly fifty years ago I never thought for one moment we would have to face cancer.  So I wish the happy couple all the best and hope and pray they never have to face what we are all going through and have a long,  happy healthy life.  Xx

Hi Caz. I too watched the wedding. Beautiful but I kept thinking of our lovely Diana. She would have been so proud today. Both lovely boys bless them. I wish them a long healthy and happy life. I like you nursed my lovely husband of 47 years with cancer. I lost him 12 years ago but miss him every hour of every day. Never in my worst nightmares would I have thought I would be diagnosed these years later. Like you say you are so full of love and hope at the start. Someone said to me once yes it's heartbreaking to lose them but wonderful and lucky to have found your soul mate and had all those years together. I thank god for my three wonderful daughters and my six loving grandkids. These are hard days for you I know. Sending you lots of hugs. Keep raising a glass or two.xxx

I bet it is a relief to the people I badgered to try to find you - when you cannot remember the user name it is a bit of a hopeless cause!  I watched the start of the wedding today - beautifully simple dress - she of course knows how to appear well on screen as well as in life.  We went out for the afternoon to a little pub/cafe/restaurant on a nearby common and just sat and enjoyed the sun.

I suppose it is a good thing that we don't know what life has in store for us; the good is great and makes the bad when it comes so much worse.  Although I sometimes despair of what is happening in the world I have to remember that most people are good and caring and it is the bad thigns that make the most noise - and cause so much pain. 

On a happier note, it was a lovely day for the wedding and for everyone sitting in the sun.  Annie

Thank you ladies for your lovely memories and kind thoughts, as we three have said it was a glorious day of love and a beautiful wedding.  Obviously we are all older and have had our days in the sun, but we all wish for more when we realise we may lose the one we love.  Daughter's and grand children are a blessing and mine are coming for half term.  Faye asked if they should stay somewhere else but I said no, we will cope, If it gets too much we will go out and leave him in peace.   He's not good today,  he has struggled to get out of the bath and although he wanted to have a drive out, the energy is not there,  so only having been downstairs since noon he's asleep in his chair.  I said I didn't mind staying home as long as we  are here together.  I feel a little down today as I know all is not well but I am keeping calm and not letting it show, hubby is struggling with his own emotions,  he doesn't need mine to add to his burden.  I'm glad the weather was good, especially for all who celebrated the wedding in style.. Love to you all  xx

Having spent all weekend on edge I CALL THE SURGERY AT 8.00 am and am numer  fifty in the queue.   I make tea, get washed and by half eight I'm through to the reception . Appointment for ten am.  I alter the cleaners time, sort the bedding out, make more tea for tablets to be taken and off we go.  Dr Hardy a young pretty Doctor asks him what's wrong, he explains but adds it may be self inflicted as he payed golf last week and then he laughs.  You could have knocked me down with a feather!  He then tells her he isn't taking folic acid, should he be.  I bought you some, yes but I've not taken them because they are a different dosage, but the chemist said they were fine and I told you that, he shrugs and   I shut up, we come home none the wiser, the surgery ring us half an hour later, you've got a bladder infection,  can you collect a prescription !!  I literally am losing the plot, then he tells me he knew  he had an infection but I said he was OK, when I went to the surgery with the sample, no I did not, I say!!  A few angry words later he suggests we have a ride out.  Really!  But It's such a gorgeous day I swallow the hurt and  agree.  We go to Eggleston HALL GARDENS AND HAVE LUNCH AND COFFEE,  A ride back through all the country villages, the hawthorn  trees full of blossom and the clematis climbing over walls everywhere, my crossness  fades away and we arrive home happy and full.  Garden watered, new squirrel free nut and fat balls containers hung and my new non melt candles (I. e fake) placed in my outdoor lanterns and he's asleep in the conservatory.   Let's see how tomorrow goes. Xx

You were number fifty in the phone queue at your surgery!!??!  I thought  my surgery was bad and have never been more than tenth in the queue.  I am also amazed that they had an appointment free at 10am if there were that number of people before you - were they just ringing for a chat?    I comprehend less as I get older.  Who opens a coffee shop with only three tables.  People who don't want customers?  Perhaps it is just pretending to be a cafe and it is really just a front for something else!

The sun is shining; it is raining, a bit of thunder and the wind is blowing; some confusion somewhere in the weather.  It's a good thing that tomorrow always arrives as it gives us another chance at getting the day right!  Annie

I know Annie, things amaze me everyday.   At least now we don't pay an extortionate amount for the surgery number now, which we did before.  I've  actually got washed and dressed whilst waiting, totally bizarre.   No thunder yet, but pr will be as just watered lawn, ,xx

So we had a little discussion last night and both agreed that the treatments had done nothing for him apart from halve an incurable tumour.   We really don't know if it's been worth it because in the seven months since radiotherapy finished we could count on one hand,  the good days.  He hadn't  realised it's half term next week and is not looking forward to having family here twenty four seven.  I leave him in bed this morning and when I arrive home just after eleven he has only just come down stairs.  Everything is a struggle, the bladder infection,the stiff neck,  the shoulder pain, it's debilitating for him.  I had to get up at 5am as the wind was so fierce it was blowing the curtains horizontal due to my love of fresh air and combined heat I'd left windows open.  Mary and I go to buy new kitchen chairs which we struggled to get in my car and then I've had to lift them out on my own, so I'm exhausted from lugging them around!  Garden furniture arrives tomorrow,  probably why the weather has changed!   

I have to miss zumba as my furniture is arriving so I wash the kitchen floor and pick up all the dust that has blown in from the new grout,  chuck out numerous dead flies and the dreaded wasps and hubby stays in bed.  He has had a bad night and I leave him to rest.  This gives me time to work in the kitchen, which he normally hogs.  After all the warmth it's chilly today and the sun has disappeared.   Hubby has just come down and it's  nearly lunch time and his painful toe is still hurting him and his thumb looks infected form where he hit it on the door.  Everything is taking months to heal and it's very worrying to see.  He says he is going to tell the Oncologist exactly how he feels but I know from past experience that he will not be as forthright as he should.  He's old school and respects these people, especially when they have been kind to us.  It's our neighbours silver wedding today,  another couple blighted by cancer,   both Debbie's Mum and her sister died of breast cancer at a young age and Debbie  is always scared of getting it herself.   Hurry back you two I need furniture putting together! !

Hiya.  Your poor hubby; any gains have been made at a high price (I wonder if he is questioning how much more treatment he is prepared to tolerate.)  Sorry to say that; I have got into your habit of calling a spade a spade - but it is not my husband we are talking about - I don't actually have a husband - just to clarify in case I am spreading confusion in my wake.

So it is you who has caused the changes in the weather - buying garden furniture indeed! A friend/handyman - Jim - called round yesterday and trimmed back all the bits of bushes that I could not reach - at least I could have reached them if I had stood on a stepladder and used the trimmer thing - it's one of those that  you have to charge up beforehand - but even I knew that my confidence in my ability to do this safely was not very well founded.  Paul, the friend who lives with me, kept saying he would do it but he is even less steady on a stepladder than I am so I was pleased when Jim just took over the task without asking.  I am trying to simultaneously kill off moss in the lawn and plant some more grass seed.  Fingers crossed that it isn't the grass that is killed off while the moss thrives.

Hope you are not feeling too frazzled.  Annie

Hi ANNIE,  good luck with the lawn.  Mine looks nice, then I weed and feed and it looks like armagheddon,   so this year it's not being done!  Luckily I have a Lady gardener who is a lot younger than me and bounces better when she falls off ladders.   Norman has only been up an hour and is now asleep again, his infection is keeping him up in the night.  You're right, no more chemo etc. I will back whatever he wishes as he is even too tired to think about anything.  Immunotherapy is next so let's see where we are at next month.  It's good to have friends, I'm lucky most of mine are still here so I have support if I feel down.  Looking forward to seeing the family, it's  nice to have a laugh with the children. Love Carol  x