Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

I've just fallen backwards into my plant pots and broken all the beautiful double headed tulips which are now in the vase on the windowsill.  I knew it wasn't going to be a good day when I was yelled at this morning for trying to explain that Fridays prescription wouldn't be ready, he has his own agenda and I can't reason with him.  I want to take off to the garden centre for some new plants but this has been vetoed as he is finally getting his ears syringed and I have to go so he doesn't fall over again.  How I'm going to stop this is beyond my comprehension as he has piled the weight back on and could severely damage me if he falls!!  I wish I was anywhere but here at the moment, it's  getting hard to stay upbeat when someone is on your case constantly.  I keep telling myself he's in a dark place but it's  becoming boring trying to explain his dark moods to everybody.   So having just had a shower I've  now got to brush mud off my clean trousers, sweep up and throw broken pots away,  as they say, that's life.  See you tomorrow. 

Hi there Caz. Oh god you re having a hard time of it lately. Really feel for you. Good thing you have lots of patience and care about him so much. So sorry about your lovely tulips but you can get some more. As long as you dident knock yourself about. Summers on the way and always here for you. Lots of hugs xxx

Hi golden,  I'm tanked up with M & S rose wine, so if there's any pain, I can't feel it now!!  I've  re potted new plants and there's been a gentle rain shower so it's a lot cooler and sleep should come easier tonight.   Life's a struggle with cancer, but you know that and giving up isn't an option.   Hugs back to you!!xx

We have a better afternoon and buy some plants and he comes in the shop with me.  He can actually hear me and I'm  not wearily repeating everything I say which helps.  I'm  still a little hurt from his attitude towards Harry but this morning I speak to a girl who's Dad has cancer and she tells me she and her children travelled miles to see him and he was vile to all of them.  So it's obviously cancer anger and very little you can do about it but I'm not giving up on letting him know when it's wrong to act like that.  I've telephoned the Oncologist's secretary to see if we have a scan first before the June appointment, what's the point of seeing her if we have no further information to work with.  Being left guessing as to what is happening is not a good place to be left in, so let's hope we get one.  A day out for me tomorrow I hope I don't come home to hubby in the same state as last week.  X

Hubby is struggling with swollen hands and aches all over.  I call the Oncologist secretary and she tells me there is no scan just a chat about how he feels.  Well that should be fun passing on that information !  It goes down like a ton of bricks and he shakes his head in despair.  I stay upbeat and say he can talk about it in a month and I get a grunt back.  Two bacon sandwiches and lots of tea and he's happier and I'm off to pick the girls up.  We enjoy the film a lot and come out happy and off to Bella Italian,  Dorothy goes in first, I follow and Florence comes in behind me but none of us realise the doors al open inwards and we go down like skittles, the young waiter comes to our rescue and I laugh and say wait til we've had wine, we're even funnier!  A good chat about everything and we al feel better, all of us have had bad times, Florence 's son died age forty four, Dorothy has just lost her husbands brother to lung cancer and Christine has just gone through her hubby having pneumonia and sepsis, we all help bouy each other up.  Back home I find him in the garage, I've had a catastrophe he shouts, what have you done now, I've opened a can of larger and dropped it, so I've now had to clean a concrete floor swimming in larger, throw the soaking towels in the bin and then cook tea.  I dont half suffer for my time out.  See you tomorrow 

Today has been a good day and also a weird one.  I meet Mary for coffee and as usual we talk about the other half's tempers, attitudes and upsets over coffee and scones.  I do some clothes shopping as Lisa pinched my brand new top for Sunday lunch and promptly got gravy down it (the bane of having a large embonpoint ) so I tell her to keep it!  Back home we have lunch and I casually ask hubby if he knows when Tommy s funeral is.  This death was telephonesd to us by a so Called  friend who has never once phoned to see how we were,  how the treatment had gone, nothing, nada,  so we felt unhappy about being told of his death.   These are the things that tip you over the edge when you're struggling with your own imminent death.   So his reply was that he wasn't interested as he is too busy trying to stay alive himself.  What can I say to this, it's my greatest fear and we rarely voice it, it's the elephant in the room and we dance around it at our peril.  So he's gone to meet proper friends who care and are there for you.  The builder has turned up at last, patio furniture to order soon, you watch it'll snow when it turns up.  See you tomorrow 

I've  just taken hubby a cup of tea and I can hear his wheeze and he's also coughing again and his shoulder is paining him.  No wonder he gets grumpy living daily like this is no fun for him and upsets me to see him struggle.  We had a major catastrophe for tea last night,  I said I would make a curry and watch the qualifying grand prix laps on TV.  What I hadn't realised was I'd picked up the wrong jar and ended up cooking a blast your head off curry.  Faye faced timed us just as I was dishing up and told me to check the chilli rating on the front of the jar, three is hot Mum, ours was five!!  I didn't even know there was a chilli rating,  so we had a fork full each, both went red in the face and it's now stood on top of the bin outside cooling down. So off I went to our local Chinese and we are both still here.  I think today will be spent quietly as it's too hard for us to go anywhere, home is safer and he needs comfortable surroundings. Take care all of you brave people out there.xx

Sunday wa spent at home and I knew he was in pain because if I said black he said white!  It's the pain and feeling out of control that causes this and I just drank glasses of lovely red wine to keep me calm, this obviously worked as my haze of happy inebriation plus blood pressure tablets meant no arguments occurred.  Today is beautiful and once I've written this the red wine is coming out again and the garden beckons.   I finally got my way on the furniture and we have ordered a Love bench (ahhh) as this has a table in the middle for our drinks and a leave outdoor rattan  table and chairs, the picture showed a wine bottle on the table so that seemed appropriate for me. The guy on the end of the phone was a lovely Irish guy who said his name was Arter,  this confused me as I knew he was Irish but it sounded like an Asian name, until I twigged he was actually saying Arthur, we had a good laugh at that one, hope he doesn't report me to the race relations board!  See you tomorrow 

My son in law phoned me last night to discuss Lisa's 40th birthday,  he wants to take her to The Ivy which is opening in Guildford on the day  and then whisk her off to Barcelona for three days, so could I go to Surrey and look after Harry?  I had to say no, because I have no idea how things are going to be in 8 weeks time, this cancer life is impossible to plan around, will he be worse or a little better, going on past experiences definitely not better.  So we come to a compromise and put other sitters in place but if all well here I will travel down to stay.  This is the first time I have ever had to say no and it's  sad we're in this situation,  it affects us all.   Today is beautiful and I ring Mary and we take off for the garden centre and have lunch and a good chat.  She's off to her son's birthday this weekend so we won't see each other for a few days.  I look at the garden furniture and see that I've saved nearly three hundred puunds on line, so I buy two hanging baskets, back home the love seat has turned up but our neighbour is putting it together next weekend as they are off for their silver wedding.  Everyone is living normal lives and it hurts to see it.  See you tomorrow x

I go to zumba,  comeback happy and hubby has really swollen hands,  I suggest we make an appointment to see the GP but this is shouted down by him, so I say don't  shout at me and walk away, he's still trying to explain to me what is wrong,  but I've  already gone and his words waft in the air  I was going to suggest we have a ride out but he can't hold the steering wheel and I won't  drive because he is a back seat passenger,  so I'm having a quiet afternoon at home,  tea is an all ready made shepherds pie so feet up,TV on and my own company is more pleasant than his.  I know it's painful and frustrating but I have to take care of myself as well.  See you tomorrow. X

I go to zumba,  comeback happy and hubby has really swollen hands,  I suggest we make an appointment to see the GP but this is shouted down by him, so I say don't  shout at me and walk away, he's still trying to explain to me what is wrong,  but I've  already gone and his words waft in the air  I was going to suggest we have a ride out but he can't hold the steering wheel and I won't  drive because he is a back seat passenger,  so I'm having a quiet afternoon at home,  tea is an all ready made shepherds pie so feet up,TV on and my own company is more pleasant than his.  I know it's painful and frustrating but I have to take care of myself as well.  See you tomorrow. X

He thinks he still has a bladder infection so I'm up at 7.30 am to go to the surgery, the Doctor will call you they say, before lunch, well that hasn't happened!  His hands and neck are so painful I go on line and look it up and apparently it's part of lung cancer, the body is responding to the tumour and the symptons are exactly as hubby has.  What does it mean, is he getting worse?  My dedicated Mc Millan nurses have not been there for me, and I feel I have no rapport with them, so I'm loath to discuss problems with them, he wouldn't take  any notice of them because he feels let down by the lack of contact.   We  have a ride out to buy bird food and call in at The Fox Hole near Piercebridge to have a drink in the garden and check it out.  It's beautifully renovated and we are impressed so we book Sunday lunch for bank holiday weekend for us two.  We just arrive home and Alfie face times us to sponsor him for a run he's doing for the N.S.P.C.C. and we end up talking to Faye who wants to come home for half term.   Hubby tries to say it's too much for her but she's having none of it, not realising he means too much for him!  How can you refuse to let them come home, she wants to see Dad and the kids want to see us.  So we give in and say OK.  M &S steak pie and new potatoes for tea and a maybe a glass of wine or two for me.  Take care xx

Oh hello again; I am so pleased to be able to contact you.  I was away for a while - not quite the time away we had planned but still nice - and I was unwell for a short while.  I forgot your user name and I couldn't find you anywhere.  It was only when I came across somebody I had chatted to earlier and read her posts that I saw your name and thought "Great".   Even after this short time your life seems to have ratcheted up a notch stress-wise or am I wrong (I hope I am).  Well, at least we are getting a bit of summer now; the garden - such as it is - suddenly went whoosh and some plants would take over if not controlled.

Good to be back reading your daily posts.  Annie

Hi  ANNIE,  I thought I had lost you  I'm sorry you've been unwell and hope your break gave you some relief from everyday problems.  The stress levels are not too bad but when your partner is constantly unwell it's hard to stay focused.  I try hard to have some time to myself most days and good friends to back me up.  It's hard for Norman, because he is in most days and relies on me to keep him company.   We're not  doing too badly but I write my blog as I feel it, no point in pretending all is well,  this is a life controlled by cancerr,  I don't expect it to be wine and Roses,  well I may be missing the roses but the wine definitely comes in handylovely to hear from you , don't forget me!xx

I've  arranged to meet Margaret, pick her up and drive to town.  I've seen a new coffee shop so we head there.  Trouble is there are only three tables, who opens a cafe with three tabkes  So we can't get in, never mind I say there's a vintage tea rooms in Clarks yard so we head there.  Only us as customers so we hog a table for an hour, she's a lot better after her hernia op.  I come home and hubby is happy, having spent a chatty hour on the phone with our younger daughter.   His hands have gone down in size and his neck is a little better, so a better day.  I mow the lawn, get the strimmer out and promptly churn up the new grouting, argh.   I check to see if he's noticed, grab the Broom and quickly sweep it up, oh well it lasted a week!  Quick food shop tomorrow and then the Royal wedding .  Enjoy your weekend all of you. Xx

I'm sat with a large glass of rose wine and a Vale of Mowbray pork pie, toasting the Royal wedding which is glorious.   It takes you back to your own wedding , many moons ago when you thought the world would be kind to you because you were so in love.  In sickness and in health has been a long standing wedding vow and I remember thinking , yes I will cherish him in sickness and health. Always.  We  had our healthy years and now we are coping with in sickness,  forty years later.  Hubby is not well today, his hands are swollen again and his neck is paining him, so the gloss of the day has been taken away by this evil thing called cancer.   I feel the tears pricking my eyes as nearly fifty years ago I never thought for one moment we would have to face cancer.  So I wish the happy couple all the best and hope and pray they never have to face what we are all going through and have a long,  happy healthy life.  Xx

Hi Caz. I too watched the wedding. Beautiful but I kept thinking of our lovely Diana. She would have been so proud today. Both lovely boys bless them. I wish them a long healthy and happy life. I like you nursed my lovely husband of 47 years with cancer. I lost him 12 years ago but miss him every hour of every day. Never in my worst nightmares would I have thought I would be diagnosed these years later. Like you say you are so full of love and hope at the start. Someone said to me once yes it's heartbreaking to lose them but wonderful and lucky to have found your soul mate and had all those years together. I thank god for my three wonderful daughters and my six loving grandkids. These are hard days for you I know. Sending you lots of hugs. Keep raising a glass or two.xxx

I bet it is a relief to the people I badgered to try to find you - when you cannot remember the user name it is a bit of a hopeless cause!  I watched the start of the wedding today - beautifully simple dress - she of course knows how to appear well on screen as well as in life.  We went out for the afternoon to a little pub/cafe/restaurant on a nearby common and just sat and enjoyed the sun.

I suppose it is a good thing that we don't know what life has in store for us; the good is great and makes the bad when it comes so much worse.  Although I sometimes despair of what is happening in the world I have to remember that most people are good and caring and it is the bad thigns that make the most noise - and cause so much pain. 

On a happier note, it was a lovely day for the wedding and for everyone sitting in the sun.  Annie

Thank you ladies for your lovely memories and kind thoughts, as we three have said it was a glorious day of love and a beautiful wedding.  Obviously we are all older and have had our days in the sun, but we all wish for more when we realise we may lose the one we love.  Daughter's and grand children are a blessing and mine are coming for half term.  Faye asked if they should stay somewhere else but I said no, we will cope, If it gets too much we will go out and leave him in peace.   He's not good today,  he has struggled to get out of the bath and although he wanted to have a drive out, the energy is not there,  so only having been downstairs since noon he's asleep in his chair.  I said I didn't mind staying home as long as we  are here together.  I feel a little down today as I know all is not well but I am keeping calm and not letting it show, hubby is struggling with his own emotions,  he doesn't need mine to add to his burden.  I'm glad the weather was good, especially for all who celebrated the wedding in style.. Love to you all  xx

Having spent all weekend on edge I CALL THE SURGERY AT 8.00 am and am numer  fifty in the queue.   I make tea, get washed and by half eight I'm through to the reception . Appointment for ten am.  I alter the cleaners time, sort the bedding out, make more tea for tablets to be taken and off we go.  Dr Hardy a young pretty Doctor asks him what's wrong, he explains but adds it may be self inflicted as he payed golf last week and then he laughs.  You could have knocked me down with a feather!  He then tells her he isn't taking folic acid, should he be.  I bought you some, yes but I've not taken them because they are a different dosage, but the chemist said they were fine and I told you that, he shrugs and   I shut up, we come home none the wiser, the surgery ring us half an hour later, you've got a bladder infection,  can you collect a prescription !!  I literally am losing the plot, then he tells me he knew  he had an infection but I said he was OK, when I went to the surgery with the sample, no I did not, I say!!  A few angry words later he suggests we have a ride out.  Really!  But It's such a gorgeous day I swallow the hurt and  agree.  We go to Eggleston HALL GARDENS AND HAVE LUNCH AND COFFEE,  A ride back through all the country villages, the hawthorn  trees full of blossom and the clematis climbing over walls everywhere, my crossness  fades away and we arrive home happy and full.  Garden watered, new squirrel free nut and fat balls containers hung and my new non melt candles (I. e fake) placed in my outdoor lanterns and he's asleep in the conservatory.   Let's see how tomorrow goes. Xx

You were number fifty in the phone queue at your surgery!!??!  I thought  my surgery was bad and have never been more than tenth in the queue.  I am also amazed that they had an appointment free at 10am if there were that number of people before you - were they just ringing for a chat?    I comprehend less as I get older.  Who opens a coffee shop with only three tables.  People who don't want customers?  Perhaps it is just pretending to be a cafe and it is really just a front for something else!

The sun is shining; it is raining, a bit of thunder and the wind is blowing; some confusion somewhere in the weather.  It's a good thing that tomorrow always arrives as it gives us another chance at getting the day right!  Annie