I wake hubby up at 8.15 pm as he won't sleep the night  if I don't.   Harry is tired and we bath him but at 9.30 he's still awake so we give up, leave both boys alone and hit the wine and chocolate! !  Today we've gone to Raby Castle and it was beautiful.   Hubby walked to the tables and chairs huffing and puffing but I was losing the plot by now and told him if he didn't use his wheelchair moaning at everything wasn't our fault.  I've never known him be so self centred and mean to people, he's unpleasant company and doesn't even know it!  We came home, had lunch and took off for the train.  I walked down the platform with them and Harry thought I was going with them, I wish!!  Back home I've had to put my feet up as it's so hot..  Back to normal tomorrow.  Xx

I've just fallen backwards into my plant pots and broken all the beautiful double headed tulips which are now in the vase on the windowsill.  I knew it wasn't going to be a good day when I was yelled at this morning for trying to explain that Fridays prescription wouldn't be ready, he has his own agenda and I can't reason with him.  I want to take off to the garden centre for some new plants but this has been vetoed as he is finally getting his ears syringed and I have to go so he doesn't fall over again.  How I'm going to stop this is beyond my comprehension as he has piled the weight back on and could severely damage me if he falls!!  I wish I was anywhere but here at the moment, it's  getting hard to stay upbeat when someone is on your case constantly.  I keep telling myself he's in a dark place but it's  becoming boring trying to explain his dark moods to everybody.   So having just had a shower I've  now got to brush mud off my clean trousers, sweep up and throw broken pots away,  as they say, that's life.  See you tomorrow. 

Hi there Caz. Oh god you re having a hard time of it lately. Really feel for you. Good thing you have lots of patience and care about him so much. So sorry about your lovely tulips but you can get some more. As long as you dident knock yourself about. Summers on the way and always here for you. Lots of hugs xxx

Hi golden,  I'm tanked up with M & S rose wine, so if there's any pain, I can't feel it now!!  I've  re potted new plants and there's been a gentle rain shower so it's a lot cooler and sleep should come easier tonight.   Life's a struggle with cancer, but you know that and giving up isn't an option.   Hugs back to you!!xx

Hubby is struggling with swollen hands and aches all over.  I call the Oncologist secretary and she tells me there is no scan just a chat about how he feels.  Well that should be fun passing on that information !  It goes down like a ton of bricks and he shakes his head in despair.  I stay upbeat and say he can talk about it in a month and I get a grunt back.  Two bacon sandwiches and lots of tea and he's happier and I'm off to pick the girls up.  We enjoy the film a lot and come out happy and off to Bella Italian,  Dorothy goes in first, I follow and Florence comes in behind me but none of us realise the doors al open inwards and we go down like skittles, the young waiter comes to our rescue and I laugh and say wait til we've had wine, we're even funnier!  A good chat about everything and we al feel better, all of us have had bad times, Florence 's son died age forty four, Dorothy has just lost her husbands brother to lung cancer and Christine has just gone through her hubby having pneumonia and sepsis, we all help bouy each other up.  Back home I find him in the garage, I've had a catastrophe he shouts, what have you done now, I've opened a can of larger and dropped it, so I've now had to clean a concrete floor swimming in larger, throw the soaking towels in the bin and then cook tea.  I dont half suffer for my time out.  See you tomorrow 

Today has been a good day and also a weird one.  I meet Mary for coffee and as usual we talk about the other half's tempers, attitudes and upsets over coffee and scones.  I do some clothes shopping as Lisa pinched my brand new top for Sunday lunch and promptly got gravy down it (the bane of having a large embonpoint ) so I tell her to keep it!  Back home we have lunch and I casually ask hubby if he knows when Tommy s funeral is.  This death was telephonesd to us by a so Called  friend who has never once phoned to see how we were,  how the treatment had gone, nothing, nada,  so we felt unhappy about being told of his death.   These are the things that tip you over the edge when you're struggling with your own imminent death.   So his reply was that he wasn't interested as he is too busy trying to stay alive himself.  What can I say to this, it's my greatest fear and we rarely voice it, it's the elephant in the room and we dance around it at our peril.  So he's gone to meet proper friends who care and are there for you.  The builder has turned up at last, patio furniture to order soon, you watch it'll snow when it turns up.  See you tomorrow 

I've  just taken hubby a cup of tea and I can hear his wheeze and he's also coughing again and his shoulder is paining him.  No wonder he gets grumpy living daily like this is no fun for him and upsets me to see him struggle.  We had a major catastrophe for tea last night,  I said I would make a curry and watch the qualifying grand prix laps on TV.  What I hadn't realised was I'd picked up the wrong jar and ended up cooking a blast your head off curry.  Faye faced timed us just as I was dishing up and told me to check the chilli rating on the front of the jar, three is hot Mum, ours was five!!  I didn't even know there was a chilli rating,  so we had a fork full each, both went red in the face and it's now stood on top of the bin outside cooling down. So off I went to our local Chinese and we are both still here.  I think today will be spent quietly as it's too hard for us to go anywhere, home is safer and he needs comfortable surroundings. Take care all of you brave people out there.xx

Sunday wa spent at home and I knew he was in pain because if I said black he said white!  It's the pain and feeling out of control that causes this and I just drank glasses of lovely red wine to keep me calm, this obviously worked as my haze of happy inebriation plus blood pressure tablets meant no arguments occurred.  Today is beautiful and once I've written this the red wine is coming out again and the garden beckons.   I finally got my way on the furniture and we have ordered a Love bench (ahhh) as this has a table in the middle for our drinks and a leave outdoor rattan  table and chairs, the picture showed a wine bottle on the table so that seemed appropriate for me. The guy on the end of the phone was a lovely Irish guy who said his name was Arter,  this confused me as I knew he was Irish but it sounded like an Asian name, until I twigged he was actually saying Arthur, we had a good laugh at that one, hope he doesn't report me to the race relations board!  See you tomorrow 

My son in law phoned me last night to discuss Lisa's 40th birthday,  he wants to take her to The Ivy which is opening in Guildford on the day  and then whisk her off to Barcelona for three days, so could I go to Surrey and look after Harry?  I had to say no, because I have no idea how things are going to be in 8 weeks time, this cancer life is impossible to plan around, will he be worse or a little better, going on past experiences definitely not better.  So we come to a compromise and put other sitters in place but if all well here I will travel down to stay.  This is the first time I have ever had to say no and it's  sad we're in this situation,  it affects us all.   Today is beautiful and I ring Mary and we take off for the garden centre and have lunch and a good chat.  She's off to her son's birthday this weekend so we won't see each other for a few days.  I look at the garden furniture and see that I've saved nearly three hundred puunds on line, so I buy two hanging baskets, back home the love seat has turned up but our neighbour is putting it together next weekend as they are off for their silver wedding.  Everyone is living normal lives and it hurts to see it.  See you tomorrow x