Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

Another cold snowy day, this makes it difficult for us to get about.  I patch him up, he's toe is really painful and we are back to seeing the nurse today so she can check it.  I bump into two of my zumba friends at the surgery, one has torn tendons inher knee the other has had a cold, flu and now sinitus has set in, I try to chat but am aware that I am backing away gradually,  I don't need her germs!!!  Crikey I am so careful around people I'm  sure they think I am not interested in talking to them anymore,  which is not true but as we all know cancer rules our lives,even down to how we handle friends.  Hubby declares that he needs to go back into his wheelchair to help the wounds heal.  I don't comment because I know he won't.   We get home,shall I get the chair out for you?  No I'll give it a bit longer, I know him better than himself  .  His blood test is fine for sugar which is one good bit of news.  We are home now and it's so cold we will not be going anywhere else today.  Is it too early for dressing gown and slippers?   Only joking, I need to feel in control and you never know who might call. See you tomorrow. 

I get up ready for zumba but hubby has a large swelling on his elbow and the surgery won't see him until the first week of February.   I ring again, that is not good enough,  he has cancer,  open wounds a prosthetic leg and they want to leave  him in pain again.  I ask if we can go private but it is now two hours since I called and as promised no one has called me back.   Hubby is upset, he is stopping me from leading a life he says,  I tell him what is done is done and we have no choice but to go with how he is feeling.  This is why he gets cross because he is aware that life is being ruled by his illness and you always take it out on the one you love.   Our nephew had his knee op yesterday,  a plate and six pins, he is a PGA golfer and needs both legs, so it's a big thing for him.  He texts to say he has had to stay overnight as every time he stands up he faints!  He is so like my brother, his Dad, that I smile to myself,  he can't stand,  doctors,  demtists or blood.   I had to have a blood transfusion once and the nurse had to drape a tea towel over the bag so he didn't faint when he visited!!  Anyway I'll give them another hour and I will call again, I know reception have a hard job but hubby is having a harder life. See you tomorrow. 

Hi there.  It is difficult when you can see everyone's point of view but sometimes you just have to put your loved one first.  I have sat in the waiting room at the GP surgery and seen/heard the staff there taking so much abuse and funnily enough it is often not the major things that you could unerstand but patients seem to kick off over such minor things sometimes.  I am not putting you in that category!  I am too much the other way.  There are two separate surgeries which constitute our local GPs' surgery.  I sat for half an hour last time I went before realising that I was in the wrong place but hadn't liked to ask because I knew how busy they all were.  Silly signing-in pc lets you sign in for either surgery whether you are supposed to be there or not.  If a helpful receptionist hadn't asked if I was there I would probably still be sitting there now.

I know, that is why I am always polite to them!  I worked for Her Majesties court services and every week I had to do a day on Reception,  the abuse people aim at you because they are angry is awful but it should be 8n your nature not to abuse others trying to help.   We did the same as you, two parts of surgery and we hadn't heard them call us, so sat waiting patiently until we realised

I dread to think what the wind is like up your way.  I had done a temporary repair on my back garden fence (after the last heavy winds) but it has gone all haywire again overnight.  It will just have to stay like that for the moment.  And I will have to apologise to the (very nice) family who live behind me because my fence is now leaning a bit on theirs.  It doesn't help that the people who live a bit further down the road have bunged a load of rubbish into the gap between the fences and I had to climb over that to reach my own fence from behind in order to push it up.  Still, it'll get sorted eventually. 

I worked in public sector housing for most of my career and though I was the manager of my office and didn't have to do much of the counter work I always tried to do a session from time to time to keep my hand in so to speak.  Most people were lovely and understanding but my goodness there were some awful people who felt the world owed them a living.  I often felt like saying "Shall I come round and wipe your a..e  for you while I am doing (whatever minor thing they were moaning about)" but of course I didn't.

It's extremely windy but all the snow has gone.  Our neighbour does fencing as a side line so ours are pretty sturdy  Anyway the surgery finally call me and we have an appointment this afternoon.   It just goes to show that shy bairns get nowt.  As they say up North.  My nephew is home but I will not go to see him as the appointment is in the middle of the afternoon.   I go to zumba but am so unfit I struggle through  the class, now the snow has gone I can go for a walk each day, as long as I don't get blown over.  I get home and hubby is unhappy with his wound dressings so we do them again.  This has been weeks now and I am worried about them not healing at all.  Hopefully the folic acid will start working soon and I notice he is shaking with the effort of moving.  It's distressing but there is nothing more that can be done and being a man he doesn't want to upset me more, so he says nothing.  You see all these people saying I won't let cancer beat me, but it's beating us Down.  See you tomorrow. Xx

I have actually had a nice day!  No snow, wind or rain and I'm taking a friend out for her birthday lunch.  All I have to do is patch hubby up, empty the bins put the washing  out and I'm off.  I make sure hubby is going to be alright going to the surgery on his own,he has had a better night after ten mils of fluid has gone from his elbow.  Our younger her daughter is coming home for half term and will be here when we hopefully get some results.  I pick my friend up and we go shopping and have lunch.  I find a pair of velcro slippers in the sale that hubby can wear on both feet without struggling and hurting  his toe or trying to walk with one shoe and one slipper!  A bargain jumper in the woolen mill for me and a book for Harry who is seven next month.   Back home hubby seems happy and they have given him a spray on plaster,  which she says is the last resort,  she has run out of ideas!!  I'm using old fashioned vaseline and this seems better than all the fancy seaweed, silver and all the other supposedly better remedies.   I am at the dentist tomorrow to be fitted for a guard for my teeth. I have practically ground them away over the past year so after nearly seventy years of hanging on to them I need some help A positively normal day.WOW. x

Well that's weird I wrote a post yesterday but it's disappeared! !   I had a lovely day with my brother who took me into Richmond for lunch, we drove around three times looking for a parking space until we thought we would have to chuck him out to get fish and chips and I would pick him up on my fourth circuit,  but I spotted a space used my rallying experience and nabbed it before anyone else!  Lunch in the Kings Head and then go and get my nephew whose on crutches and wants a lift, he forgets to tell me the junction to his house is closed so I have to travel to junction 52 and go back on myself!  Luna the puppy is pleased to see me but her sharp teeth nearly rip my finger open when she jumps excitedly and grabs my hand.   Off we go again, back home and hubby seems OK but is in discomfort as he is allergic to the new plaster we put on that morning.  Anyway I have certainly paid for having two days out as I have just sat down for the first time since 9.00 am this morning.   After sharp words this morning the wheel chair is back in the house and hopefully this will help him to heal.   It means more work for me but I will do that to heal his wounds.   You forget how much room a chair takes up and with the crutches and numerous walking sticks I am struggling to get about myself  so I have just sat to write this, watch some television and I think my wine bottle may be coming out of the fridge soon.  Take care all of you, see you tomorrow .

Hello.  Glad you enjoyed your day out.  The weather has reverted to wet and windy here in London; yesterday was okay - given the time of year - but today is horrid.  I just brought Muffin the dog in and he has rubbed himself all over the furniture and carpets  to get the wet out of his curly hair.  He wouldn't let me rub him down with a towel.  I bought him a squashy ball in the reduced bin in the supermarket but he seems to have bitten through it already.  The label says "This toy is strong but not indestructible..............."

Richmond - another memory of my youth.  I was camping with  the girl guides just outside there; we were pitched on a farm.  The farmer's son was the subject of great admiration by the older guides.  One night one of my friends and I snuck out of our tents and went to meet him.  All totally innocent; we sat and drank one small bottle of cider between the three of us and that was it really.  Unfortunately one of the younger guides noticed I was missing and went to tell Captain.  We were found and had to spend the last two days of camp cleaning the cooking pots.  Oh dear.  I was blamed for being the ringleader which annoyed me.  My friend was annoyed that it was said she just followed me whereas she felt she was quite capable of getting into trouble by herself.  But I came back and stayed at the farm at the invitation of the farmer and his wife; it all petered out but it was a nice summer.

Look after yourself and keep a good stock of wine bottles; you don't half work hard.

Thanks for the lovely story, it's nice to here others lives!   Well after being allergic to the new plasters which inflamed his wound badly I resorted to slapping Elizabeth Arden eight hour cream on his bum,  despite him objecting loudly, as he was face down at the time he didn't have much choice and lo and behold today it looks a lot better.   Anyway he spent all day in his wheelchair and things look a little better,  pity he wouldn't do this three weeks ago, it would have saved a lot of time and worry for all of us  we are cancelling the nurse tomorrow as nothing is infected and going to the surgery causes more problems than it solves.   Hopefully we can get to our important scan on Tuesday without much damage.  He fell out of bed last night (I don't know how as he has a whole double bed to himself )  so being jammed down the side of the bed and cabinet didn't give him much room to manoeuvre,  my daughter sent us a mattress topping from John Lewis for his bed sores but he is like the princess and the pea on top of it and this meant he fell further than he would normally,  oh well swings and roundabouts and all that!  Anyway a day at home for us both as my legs ached so much this morning I was staggering around like a little old lady (I know I'm rapidly reaching seventy but I still feel young)  until this morning that is.!!  Beef again for tea to build him up and perhaps hId wounds are on the mend.  See you tomorrow. Xx

Thanks for the lovely story, it's nice to here others lives!   Well after being allergic to the new plasters which inflamed his wound badly I resorted to slapping Elizabeth Arden eight hour cream on his bum,  despite him objecting loudly, as he was face down at the time he didn't have much choice and lo and behold today it looks a lot better.   Anyway he spent all day in his wheelchair and things look a little better,  pity he wouldn't do this three weeks ago, it would have saved a lot of time and worry for all of us  we are cancelling the nurse tomorrow as nothing is infected and going to the surgery causes more problems than it solves.   Hopefully we can get to our important scan on Tuesday without much damage.  He fell out of bed last night (I don't know how as he has a whole double bed to himself )  so being jammed down the side of the bed and cabinet didn't give him much room to manoeuvre,  my daughter sent us a mattress topping from John Lewis for his bed sores but he is like the princess and the pea on top of it and this meant he fell further than he would normally,  oh well swings and roundabouts and all that!  Anyway a day at home for us both as my legs ached so much this morning I was staggering around like a little old lady (I know I'm rapidly reaching seventy but I still feel young)  until this morning that is.!!  Beef again for tea to build him up and perhaps hId wounds are on the mend.  See you tomorrow. Xx

He's knocked the plaster off his toe again so first job of the day! But he managed to stay in bed this time.  I have had a horrible nights sleep I am grinding my teeth and chewing the inside of my mouth, thus the dentist visit last week to have a splint made, this gives me horizon headaches and my first thing in the morning is two paracetamol with my cup of tea,  instead of toast!  Hubby is being good and using his wheelchair so I am optomistic that he should heal.  We seem to be in a different head space due to the scan tomorrow it is giving us a goal. Apart from the usual housework I seem to be having a more gentle day and tea is left overs so no cooking either.   Our lovely neighbour pops in for a man chat and this cheers him up no end.   Friends want us to go out but I explain that we will let them know when he is ready, I think the folic acid is kicking in and that this will help with the lethargy he seems to have..  Not much else to report,  see you after scan tomorrow. Xx

So I leave him safely in bed and escape to zumba.  I come home at 11 am to find him munching on toast and marmalade.   Er aren't you supposed to not eat before the scan, oh no he says it's just a normal scan, I don't think so it's the main one,  get letter out and nothing to be eaten for four hours before!  It's  a bloody good job the scan isn't until after 3pm or we would be back to square one, it's  like looking after a grown toddler Anyway the leg is healing but being him he has to walk and is in pain again by the time we get back, I make him take the leg off and hide it upstairs, he would keep wearing it if I didn't and we would end up going backwards!  I am just starting to manage to escape after four weeks I am not going to be housebound again because he is stubborn.  Anyway we now have a two week wait for the outcome, so another period of not knowing what stage we are at.  See you tomorrow. 

Back to patching him up with new silver backing we have been given.  The sore on his bum is healing so my triple whammy of plaster, cushion plaster and another plaster is working,  as usual he thinks I have gone overboard but as I point out its working, so no argument is convincing me otherwise even the Elizabeth Arden cream has produced results, my daughter who left me some after Christmas and Yorkshire pudding gate and burnt elbow says she didn't think it was meant for mens bums! So I manage  to do zumba again and I was going into town but it is 4 degrees,  snowing again and freezing wind so I ditch that idea and do two weeks of ironing before it needs washing again.  So my afternoon is my own to do as I wish  A simple tea and some wine looks good and hubby has done as asked and left leg off.  Nightmare wheelchair episode yesterday at Bishop I got one that only goes forward or backwards  (I didn't realise )  so,y wheelchair driving, or lack of was pointed out to all amd sundry,  I was quite cross as I know he does this to take attention away from him being in one but I feel hurt and upset that he does this, he says he's only joking,  but my humour is not up for it.  Also the car park was full so I had to park right up the other end and the blinking pay machine wasn't working,  I had to walk four lengths of the car park to get a ticket and when I get back to him he asks me where have you been"?  He's lucky to still be alive !!!

Yesterday's post has lost itself again.  It was a bad day, he insisted on driving me into town but I wanted to drive myself so he didn't harm his leg.  I hung around whilst he washed, shaved and took his usual hour to get ready for the day, I move the wheelchair and get into trouble for that, he's lost his comfy shoes, my fault as I have Obviously moved them, no I haven't, I crawl under the table as he has kicked them under a chair whilst sitting in his wheelchair!   APPARENTLY I've also thrown his other shoes under the chair in the conservatory and should have known which leg he was wearing yesterday,  of course I should I seem to know everything else!  He wants tea to take his medication and whilst I'm doing this I'm questioned on why my new electric toothbrush is on charge AGAIN, did I read the instructions,  not that he's criticising me he adds.  I pick my handbag and coat and car keys up and he asks with a bewildered look where am I going.   I leave before he can say anymore and as I leave he shouts "what have I said"?  I stay out all day and when he gets back from seeing the nurse (if he wants to be stubborn he can get on with it) he's knocked the scab off again.  I'm too angry to even say anything,  what's the point.   Today's another day, knocked his toe badly again, perhaps he should wear the slippers I bought him, no answer, common sense isn't in his vocabulary so I patch it up with very little sympathy and go into Aycliffe for some birthday cards as It's Mary's  birthday tomorrow .  My sister in law calls do we want to go for Sunday lunch,  no he doesn't , so I'm off on my own again.  Cancer is a blight on our lives and quality has disappeared as all he has left is quantity. See you tomorrow. 

Oh my goodness; it is like a bad TV sitcom!  It's a good job you love him; if you didn't heaven knows what you would have done to him!   It strikes me he cannot be very happy.  Yes, I know that is bleedin' obvious, what has he got to be happy about.  Answer: YOU.  Many cancer patients don't have someone to wait on their every need.  You are his most valuable asset and rightly or wrongly I feel he well knows that!  Oh, Caz, I know I am not minding my own business but I don't like to read of your being upset (though pleased you let it out here).  Sometimes you just get a bum hand.  Is there some cosmic reasoning behind everything we go through - not at all sure there is.  I read all of  your posts now; you write so vividly I can almost feel the tension sometimes!  Bless you.

Hi you!  Thanks for the lovely words you have written.   The tension is palpable at times because I am pragmatic and sensible and he is the opposite, but hey opposites attract, so they say.  I know he loves me and he tells me so, he thanks me for all the help and says he couldn't manage without me.  But sometimes it's all too much for us both.  We have never had a marriage wrapped around each other, work,  hobbies,  friends, children have all intertwined and now we are in each others pockets practically twenty four seven.  He's old fashioned man of the house material and he's lost his place, he feels useless, a burden and  I take the backlash.!  We are a lot better today, I think I care too much and should leave him to do his own thing, be it right or wrong.  So pleased you read my posts.  Carol x

It's Saturday morning and I come down to make tea, read the newspaper and leave hubby in bed where he can't do any harm.  The only problem is there is no newspaper, so I ring the newsagents,  having paid my bill yesterday I'm a bit miffed!  Take his tea up and decide to have a hot shower as I cleaned the Cooker yesterday so I feel I smell of oven cleaner! I leave hubby alone, all my help and suggestions are ignored so I have made a resolution,  if he needs help he can ask for it!  Back downstairs the paper has arrived so I have toast and coffee in peace.   I call Mary and arrange to go for coffee and birthday cake at hers.   I go to Tesco grab some shopping and buy her a big bunch of tulips.  Back home hubby is looking after himself so I leave him  and drive to Mary's .  She has had a distressing week she tells me her hubby's great niece has just given birth to her first child but he  was not breathing.   Apparently they now call these little souls sleeping births.  We all think we have problems but this has put a knocked off scab into the shade.  We chat away and when I come back home he's gone out, hurrah I can wash the floor without worrying about him falling over!  All done and dusted and he's back from checking his golf buggy and has done a recce for me to get to Scorton tomorrow for tea, as the road works are taking you all round the houses as I found out last week when I went to get Luke.  That's helpful I say, steak and ale pie for tea?If that's what you want then OK,  I can't wait for our daughter to get here next week, another person will be a big help, we are definitely not ourselves.   See you tomorrow .

I have ground my teeth again and wake with a headache and a gluey eye (no idea why) I really don't want to get up but we would die of thirst if I didn't!   The sun  is shining and hubby groans when I take his tea to him,  he's dropped his false leg on his toe again and he didn't have a slipper on, so I ignore his pain!! I go for the papers and there are daffodils in the shop so I buy three bunches a to cheer me up.  Back home I'm defrosting the freezer and the garage floor is covered in water, the bird bath is filthy and there is no food out for them, oh joy, I love my life I speak it out loud so it's not still in my head.  Hubby is having a salty bath and we decide to just let nature take its course and just stick plasters on the wounds. Our house is like a chemists shop, but all the seaweed, silver,  sprays and other paraphernalia is not working in fact we both agree (there's a novelty )  to leave everything off and just cover them up.  I have a peaceful coffee and pan a raisin whilst I read the Sunday Papers and then I need to start on the jobs.  So all done, off for lunch and will leave hubby a Sunday lunch of his own, he has two legs today so hopefully he will cope!!  See you tomorrow .x By the way he asked why I had put green beans in a vase!!  (Daffodils not bloomed yet), we actually both laughed.

Laughing is far better than crying! Enjoy the rest of your day, you deserve some ‘me’ time!

Hello caz,  Damn, just squirted the tomato seeds from my cheese and tomato on toast all over my keyboard.  Break off typing to wipe off as much as possible.  I felt absolutely decadent yesterday when I bought some cheese already grated.  Glad your weather is good; it is grey in London and I am hoping the rain will hold off long enough to take take the dog for a proper walk in the park.

I am heading up to Newcastle on Tuesday for the funeral of my uncle on Wednesday.  I am meeting up with my sister plus niece and nephew in Sunderland to stay at Roker where we were born and bred.  We will see a family friend or two before we go to the funeral and return home on Wednesday afternoon/evening.  He was the last of my mother's siblings and was a kind of family patriarch.  He was 90 and had been fit until quite recently when he got the wretched flu.

Very sad sbout the stillborn baby.  I know in America they have called them "born sleeping" for some time and there is an organisation called "Now I lay me down to sleep" where volunteer professional photographers take some photos.  It is all very different from the days when stillborn babies were quickly whisked away and apparently much better for the parents' wellbeing.

My house is a mess - well more of a mess than usual.  I wanted a leaking mixer tap removed, discovered the worksurface had rotted because of the leak. Lots more complications that I had envisaged but I now have a new sink top as well.  And the back fence is still not fixed.  That is the next thing but it will have to wait until later in the week before I can even think about it.

Am glad you are having a peaceful day.  And you have your daughter coming, which will be so nice for you all.  Annie xx