Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

He's coughing again and as I have earache and a sore throat myself, it's killing my head.  I look pale and he looks even worse!  How I have managed to stay well over the past year is a miracle, I think it's  bloody mindedness as if anything happened to me,as he says we would be in dire straits.  We attend the surgery again, not happy with hole in his groin, Doctor comes in and says he needs a sugar test.   Well that should come out fine after eight sugared cups of f tea a day, no water drunk unless I tell him, he should at least be responsible for himself in some ways!  Our daughter face times as it is Ella's fifth birthday,  he coughs all the way through it and I have to stand back as far as I can because it is now a hacking  sound.  Ella apparently thought she would get as many presents as she did at Xmas, and is slightly disappointed that there are not as many,  and she's only five. I am now sat munching an iced doughnut along with two paracetamol for my head.  Early tea, feet up and Corrie, I'm glad not to be seeing anyone! !!+

So I set about getting tea ready, chopping mushrooms, tomatoes, bacon on grill and all the time hubby s moaning about what the nurse had just done, so I'm coping with Top Gear at 90 decibels on the TV,  the cookerr fan going amd him moaning! He  suddenly demands that I take off the plaster in his crotch, so I'm suddenly shown a hairy crotch with a plaster stuck to it like *** on a shovel, as my Grandma would say!   How much worse can this get? Nothing is healing,  we have no scan date, his cough is horrible  to hear amd everything that is being done for him is questioned,  altered or I'm made to do it again.  I grab a glass of wine and retired to my front room where I can listen to the programme at a normal volume!!  I go to bed at 10pm and read but he's up at 2.00 am,  5.00 am,  and in between that someone is scraping frost off their car outside at 6.30.  I am determined to get to zumba so I make him go back to bed and escape!! It's so nice to see friends again and laugh, people are kind but they don't want you moaning all the time.  We have a little ride out for a couple of hours, him in his padded pants and new spectacles that have just been done, it's a pity they don't have built in hearing aids, it would make life a lot easier

I'm awake again at 4.00 am and then three more times until the alarm goes off.  It's snowed so I defrost the car, sweep all the snow up and we leave by 8.15 am for surgery.  His hands are bad today and the cold doesn't help.  He's  had a bad night, shoulder pain, wrist pain and anything else that can be painful.  He drops me at zumba and I have a free hour to myself.  I ask him to put heating back on but he hasn't bothered so I have a luke warm shower, get a beef  stew ready,  make sure he's OK and go off for a nice time with my friend.  I arrive back home and he doesn't even say hello or have you had  nice time.  I finish getting tea ready, make him tea and biscuits and he let's me know he's not having a good time, whilst I have!!  Thirty minutes later he tries to ask about my day, but I'm past caring, it's too much effort to talk to him.  I'm now writing this and keeping my head down.  He's scared about not having had a scan and that none has been booked as of yet.  This cancer has a lot to answer for and our resources are being stripped away, little by little.   Cazx

My friend calls to say Let's meet for lunch in Barnard Castle,  I look forward to seeing you but life throws a curved ball at me again because there is six inches of snow,  we are housebound.   The only consolation is that we both sleep through the nigjt!  My throat is still bad and I am struggling to speak when I shout to my lovely neighbour thank you for clearing our drive.  So many people are kind and thoughtful but I can't rely on others all the time.  I sweep all the snow off my car,  sort the washing out, clean the cooker and just sit for coffee when hubby comes downstairs, I ,make him tea and toast and go back to my cold coffee!   He's getting upset over being left with no scan appointment and keeps extending the time he has  not seen anyone medical, it's now five momths he says, no it's three I tell him, that's still a long time he says.  It's true but that was the plan, but common sense has gone out of the window!!  We will hunker down for the day and stay warm I say.   The post has just arrived and lo and behold we have an appointment,  the 30th.  Only a few more weeks and we should have good or bad news.  See you tomorrow. 

Just to say, I have not had "problems "  with the nurses as they are not  there!!  We atend James Cook for his prosthetic leg, not treatment for cancer.   Thanks for the thoughts and I'm happy all is going well for you. Caz. 

We both have a good night again and this helps us both.  I come down to make tea and my TV won't work.  I can't cope with no television! !  I change the batteries in the control, nothing, it won't work with the buttons either,  disaster!!  My lovely neighbour comes in and re-boots it and we have a picture.   What would I do without him?  Hubby has opened up his wound again and nothing is healing properly.  It's freezing cold and crisp and deep and even!  We will not be going far today.  So I'm sat watching a black and white movie and munching on a custard tart.  See you tomorrow. 

We are not in a good place today, or a good mood.  Before I say something about smoking related lung cancer and regret it, I'm keeping my head down and enjoying my own counsel.   See you tomorrow. 

Take care Caz, look after yourself. 

Hello caz.  I have just spent much of the afternoon and early evening reading all your posts.  Thank you for taking the time to do this.  I have not had cancer myself but have seen family and friends through it, including my mum (quite some time ago now) and the father of my son.  I have no amazing comment to make or conclusion to draw; just wanted to say thank you for your posts.

Hello caz.  I have just spent much of the afternoon and early evening reading all your posts.  Thank you for taking the time to do this.  I have not had cancer myself but have seen family and friends through it, including my mum (quite some time ago now) and the father of my son.  I have no amazing comment to make or conclusion to draw; just wanted to say thank you for your posts.

I appreciate your time and thoughtful comments.   It is harder today than it was ten months ago.  I can't even be bothered to speak to anyone, I'm sick of not being me. Cancer is a killer in more ways than one.  Xx

Could you do with a bit of a break, even just a night away might help?

That would be lovely, but he won't admit that he needs help, so I can't leave him on his own.  It must be a macho thing. 

Pardon me for interfering when I have only just read your posts but could you present him with a fait accompli by having your daughter and her family (I read where they visited previously) arrive to care for him for 24 hours while you have a break.  Being family it would not be so bad hopefully!

My daughters have offered but they live hundreds of miles away and have young children aged five and six.  School, jobs, husband's who work long hours and hubby would feel bad wrenching them away.  Today is a better day.Thanks for the advice. Caz.x

Today is a better day, apart from the  blizzard    I don't want to talk about yesterday as everything was against us and because I have been a little unwell myself my patience was stretched to breaking point.Lovely people on this forum have offered advice and thoughts and that helped me a great deal.  A good night's sleep and I feel calmer today and hubby,  although in pain is also happier in his frame of mind.  Because we don't know where we are with the effects of the treatment our heads are in a muddle.  We have to get through the next few weeks and even if the news is not good, we will cope with the known rather than the unknown.  Lots of tea, warmth and Sunday Papers are keeping us occupied, suduko for me, cross word puzzles for him.  Sister in law calls, nephew going in for op on his knee tomorrow so we will try and see him Wednesday.  Blood test results and wound checking tomorrow if we can get off the drive.  Hopefully my lovely neighbour will help, either without asking or if I need to.  It's snowing in Surrey but son in law has still managed a bike ride, he is competing in the French 1,200mile bike ride next month,  he raises a lot of money for charity and has to practice for hours each day.  Take care all of you I am content today and I can't ask for more than that.  See you tomorrow. Xx

Glad you’re feeling a bit better Caz. Look after yourself. 

Thanks for caring, it's lonely being a Carer especially at this time of the year!!  

I’m on the other end of this but I’ve

been where you are to some extent. 

I know the area between Barnard Castle and North Yorkshire (which you have mentioned in your posts) although I haven't been there much recently.  I was born in the North East and we often travelled through Weardale and Teesdale for things like bramble picking and visiting a relative in Brampton.  Also I used to go to Leyburn quite a bit to see a friend there.  A couple of years ago my sister and I rented a house in Alston for two weeks, stopping off at Barnard Castle en route and it was lovely.  But the moors can be bleak in bad weather.  I seem to remember a great aunt ran the post office in Irishopeburn but that was when I was very young. Not sure why I am telling you this but as you get older you think of the simpler times of our youth!  It has been a very wet day in London and the washing machine, which really needs replacing, has packed up.  I am trying to see if the filter is blocked but realise that although I have watched others do it I really don't know how to do it myself.  Dog and I have just had a snooze on the settee and just thought I would say hello.